R Women with HFA or AS judged more harshly than men w/HFA/AS

Post Reply New Topic

I've never lived with the expectations for men, only those for women, so I don't know what it's like to fail at being a man, only what it's like to fail as a woman.

I wasn't supportive enough as a wife. apparently the way to be a supportive wife is to praise a man for "helping" around the house and going to work when he's supposed to.
I was expected to be happy socializing in the kitchen with the other women, which I hated.
I was expected to sit out of activities I would have enjoyed, to take care of children. even other people's children, because I am female.
my job was less important than my ex's, so I lost many jobs because I stayed home with sick children. my job was less important because I was the wife.
I worked full time, took care of kids, and kept house, because keeping house and child care is a female's job and my performance was a direct reflection on my ex, and he could not tolerate me making him look bad.
professionally, I was viewed as bitchy and demanding, when I was actually only forthright.
I've been called "b***h", "c**t", "nag", "narcissist" and "selfish" more times than I can count by "friends", family, and co-workers.

really all I want is to be accepted as I am, because I'm not going to change into someone else suddenly.

I don't think that women are judged more harshly in any overall sense, however, I think women are more likely to be perceived as having some emotional problem.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but this is why women choose not to have kids or get married. These expectations are only really there if you fall into some domestic trap with the wrong person, otherwise there is negotiations within a relationship. But yeah, many women fall into this, it is why second wave feminism started. Some people thrive in this situations, others do not. I Because exactly what you are stating did not fit who many women were. Ever read the Feminine Mystique? What you are describing is "the problem that has no name". This is something that is common with women, but I would not say it is the only thing women has an option. This is why the whole called "traditional marriage" situation is not right for every woman. It is not the only expectation or option for women, there is other options out there. The patriarchal situation you were in you found constraining, but please don't take it as the only gendered expectation. It made my mother a misreable person.

With that being said, I think there is both male and female privelege. I think though that one cannot assume privelege, or at the same time lack of it. I think what many guys don't get is the fact women are so selective is because of alot of the things that happened to you (I read your blog). Women with ASD have some disadvantages, it is not that we can't find partners, its that we can't screen them out as well as NT women. Finding good mates is difficult. Many guys with ASD tend to be the ones who get screened out by NT women. In many ways, ASD takes you out of the norm because we work in a different way. I can go on, but being conscious of deficits does help, and being able to address them. I don't think either of it has it worse, but rather certian things are more difficult on either end. Can I say that we both lack NT privelege and that means different things for both females and males on the spectrum? Does that work? Niether of us have it worse, we both struggle within the larger construct of society. Yes women on the spectrum may fly under the radar more, but that does not mean its not difficult.

The social expectations and pressures associated with our genders we BOTH struggle with. I know enough guys who say the expectations to be the strong one in the relationship and be the provider does not always fit who they are, and enough women who do not fit the whole caregiver and wife role. These are just NT folks, but I think NT folks are better adapting and adjusting away from gendered expectations. Gender roles and expectations may fit most, but it does not fit all. While some aspies may fit into the NT roles, many of us do not. But we may lack a certian self awareness and ability to adapt in a largely NT social construct that our NT counterparts have.

Also with regards to people react differently to a woman melting down compared with a guy that is correct. People will feel threatened by a guy, people will just try to calm the woman down and comfort her. That again is the difference between male and female privelege. I will be honest, what people really expect from guys is that they are both fun and serious. Being sad is considered "unmanly", and being angry is seen as "scary" even though it falls into social expectations. Women are expected to be emotional, it is part of gender privelege. We cannot use any single example though to say that it is better for either AS men or AS women.

By the way I don't know where the people who are expected to wear makeup live. Maybe I have spent to much time in the north eastern quadrent of the US.

With regards to the person who say boys are physically bullied more. Let me put it this way, girls with ASD have it tough as well. I am probably not the only one here who is a rape and sexual assault survivor and who had to edure horrors in her youth.