Clothing (not about shopping)

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Hi everyone. I have a couple of clothing-related issues:

I have always considered clothing to simply be something necessary for covering one's body. Being comfortable always mattered more than being *fashionable* (whatever that meant). My favorite things are jeans (usually loose-fitting), oversized T-shirts (many are man's sizes) and sweatshirts (ditto).

My bf has asked me to get rid of the man-sized shirts and replace them with women's sizes. I haven't done so for several reasons: the stuff I have still fits and isn't torn up/stained; I see no reason to spend money on stuff that isn't vitally necessary (money's been tight for a few months); and, they're comfortable.

He did buy me some more "feminine" items a couple of years ago, but I can't wear them ALL the time.

My first question is: am I being unreasonable? I don't even think they look that bad. Okay, maybe I look a bit more "feminine" in the other stuff, but I don't think I necessarily look like a guy in my comfortable stuff (even though some people have said I do). Is it unreasonable not to want to spend money to replace clothing that is still perfectly good?

Second (related) question: whenever I see an outfit that I think would look good on me, nine times out of ten it's something a man is wearing. This is true IRL, and on movies/TV. The "girly" clothes I own do look nice, but they still don't feel like "me." (Example: the jackets worn by MACGYVER and H.M. Murdock of THE A-TEAM--if I could find a jacket like one of those, I'd probably wear it all the time.)

Anyone else feel more "like themselves" in men's clothes and/or uncomfortable in women's clothes?

Thanks, everyone.

I like men clothes. They're often longer and simplier. I hate these glitters and applications everywhere! I prefer simple or industrial style. Women shirts are sweet, they NEVER look technical!

quick clothing check indicates that I am wearing boy and mens clothes almost exclusively right now. It is more comfy so yeah. I used to have a boyfriend who thought he could tell me what to wear.

No, you aren't being unreasonable. It's not his place to tell you what to wear.

This. Seriously, if he can't accept what you wear then the issue lies with him. Besides, why can't you keep some of your man-sized shirts to wear at home and have some nicer clothes for work and going out? A wardrobe doesn't have to be homogeneous.

i think that every couple is different. my husband and i have some preferences, and there are a few ideas we take into consideration for each other, and other preferences we ignore.

my husband and i used to have a deal where he could discard one item of my clothing as long as he bought me a suitable replacement. that was mostly when things got ratty or permanently stained. i couldn't be bothered to care if i was just around the house, but he liked it if i wore nicer clothes. i could do the same thing for him, but his clothes didn't usually bother me too much.

i wear a lot of men's shirts and sweaters, and even coats and shoes. so i understand where you are coming from with wanting the comfort and ease of men's garments.

i don't know if his suggestions are reasonable within the context of your relationship. did you used to be more accommodating of his preferences, but recently became more independent in your manner of dressing?

Part of being in a relationship is being somewhat accommodating to one another's wishes. I understand how you feel, because I only wear comfortable clothes, some of which are quite ratty, but if he simply wants you to wear t-shirts that are made for women rather than oversized men's t-shirts, that doesn't seem to be overly unreasonable. Can you compromise and find shirts that are reasonably comfortable but that look a little more feminine? If money is an issue you can get them at a thrift store.

Thanks all. I agree that some compromising would be a good idea, and I also like the thrift shop suggestion.

Also glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way.

why do you want to be with a guy who can't accept you for who you are? I tried the 'girly' style and i felt so wrong and like such a lie, i couldn't go one day without wanting to kill myself. I'd hate to see the same thing happen to you. Honestly, you shouldn't try to be someone else for ANYBODY. Forcing someone to be something they're not is a form of abuse.

I like to dress in a unisex manner, but with vintage clothes and the stage outfits that The Kinks wore in Mid 64 with the red jackets, black trousers and frilly shirts might actually be considered feminine, these days. I'll be wearing something like that to the Christmas party at my clubhouse, tomorrow.

I dress feminine on my own terms, with the clothes that I like. I don't wish to wear girly tees, with bell bottoms painted on me and a winter jacket that's too short to be a jacket. If anybody forced me to give up on my Kinks inspired wardrobe, and anything else to do with that group, do my hair in a more girly fashion and walk around looking like one of today's popular female pop stars, that would be the first time I would throw a massive, violent temper tantrum - not to be confused with a teary eyed meltdown where I shut down and really hurt somebody, for the first time in my life.

This.
Why would someone who supposedly cares about you ask you to dress in a way that is uncomfortable for you?
If basic hygeine isn't being compromised, I don't see why it's such a big deal what one's partner wears- surely if you love them and are attracted to them, that won't go away just because of their choice of clothing?
If anyone answers "yes, it would", they have issues.

Lao Tzu once said: '' If you keep from impossing on people, they become themselves''
You should show that quote to your boyfriend

This is a gender expression issue. You don't feel the necessary to fit into a neat little box of the feminine norm. Just because you are a woman, does not mean you have to conform to a feminine form of expression. You are comfortable with your gender identity, but your gender expression is more butch or andro. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Don't let your boyfriend pressure you into something you are not.

I know alot of lesbians, they tend to break down gender expression in the following ways. They all identify as woman. Femme, Butch, and Andro. Most lesbians I know are not butch, most are either femme or andro. Lesbians are a bit more conscious of this issue, and it is a part of thier given identity. This can even be a bit more subtle within those three categories. For example bookish femme (think Velma from Scooby Doo, or Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

With that being said as a femme. I think mens clothing lacks elegence and is rather plain, and does not flatter my figure. Plus I feel I am swimming in it. Also the clothing I buy does tend to last and it is more feminine, I am just selective. I don't go for tramp chic thing that is trendy now, I go for a more elegant classic and vintage look. I have vintage clothing which still looks fantastic which is over 40 years old! Don't think all womens clothing is poorly made. You just don't find more form fitting and feminine stuff to be you. Which is fine. Some girls like it, some girls don't.

I tend to wear whatever I want. Mens and womens. I'm a bit of a mix.

This is a huge, bright red flag. Be careful, okay?

@hyperlexian: I have always dressed the way I wanted. When we first met, I was wearing a STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION sweatshirt. He's told me that I'm really pretty and doesn't think I should "cover it up" with clothes that are less than flattering. Also, some other people have made cracks that he's "dating a guy." I guess I'm asking if I should accommodate him in public to deflect those kinds of remarks.

For my "own sake" (as he's put it): dressing that way supposedly implies that I have no self-esteem/don't care about myself. IMO, it's the opposite--I don't feel the need to "impress" anyone because I AM comfortable/happy with who I am. Also, is dressing better for someone else a way of showing you value them? He's said that too and...I still don't get it (maybe so others won't give him grief for it? I've never cared what others think for myself, but....)

@Kiran, @Who_Am_I: the thing is, he DOES accept me for who I am in EVERY OTHER WAY. However, can something like this lead to more relationship issues later? He's really sweet and does love me, and I am one of the few people HE feels he can "be himself" with, too.

I think that part of this is "peer pressure" (he had many issues with not being socially accepted when he was a kid--he thinks he may have AS also, btw). Is it possible that he also is genuinely concerned with people accepting me? That only matters to me when it comes to getting hired--how far can stuff like this go? We live in a pretty small town--might word get around to potential employers that I dress "weird" and therefore must be "weird"?

If I've gone off on tangents, sorry--maybe this affects more than I thought it did.

@CockneyRebel: have a good time at the party. It's nice to hear someone talk about how definite she is about what she does and does not like--another "problem" is that I've never had a definable "style" that is/was consistently "me" (unless what I've described counts ) Is that actually a "problem"?

@starygrrl: thanks for the "gender expression" clarification. Is it possible to create a "style" around what I am comfortable wearing? I never thought that mattered, but apparently it does.

Everyone who answered: thank you VERY much! I've been needing to discuss this for a long time.