Help from women w/AS, 6 year old daughter was just diagnosed

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I just posted this on the parent's board but would really love some help from those of you have been where my daughter is now. What did/would have helped you when you were 6?

My daughter was just diagnosed with Asperger's. I have some questions, but first here is some background on how she acts:

-Has to have things a certain way
-Cries easily if things do not go her way
-Is very controlling and wants to control others and control play
-Can be very rude and demanding
-Has little impulse control
-Doesn’t often respond when called (in her own world?)
-Can be defiant, either will not do as told or insists on doing something she shouldn’t
-Conversations are one sided…her side
-Smart, great memory
-Funny, good sense of humor, sometimes a little odd but good
-Good imagination, pretends she is different animals often
-Does not have a topic of special interest but gets obsessed with whatever is on her mind
-Can hyper focus at times
-Likes to be around other people, but has a hard time keeping friends
-Is loving when she wants to be

I want to learn how to teach her that other people have opinions and other people do not want to be controlled by her. I tell her this all the time but it doesn’t sink in. I want to help her to not get so upset when things do not go her way. She needs to learn to be more “flexible” and less “rigid” in her thinking.
I love her for who she is and realize that she is not a “bad kid.” I realize that her Asperger’s gives her certain challenges in life that the rest of us don’t have. I want to build on her strengths and really tackle her weaknesses but I am not sure how to do this.
Any advice? She is in a regular Kindergarten class and I will be fighting for services and it is going to be quite a fight. We will look into private services if we can find them as well.

Thank you all in advance

well, i wasnt diagnosed til 15 so im not sure if i can help much but i do remember being that age.

it seems from what you said that your daughter is trying to play and socialise but it just isnt working because she doesnt know how to relate to children her own age. is she interupting their games so that they can play hers? instead of trying learn how to fit in with them is she trying to force them to fit in with her? thatll pretty much get her disliked by everyone. i was a little different, i couldnt understand why anyone would want to play their made up games and i didnt try to. i much preferred to spend breaktimes doing my own thing. i never tried to fit in with other kids and i never tried to make them fit in with me. i got by on mutual indifference mostly.

i do remember a few awkward times when a teacher (usually new) on duty during breaktime would i think see me on my own and feel sorry for me. theyd find a group of nice girls playing somewhere, take me over to them and make me ask them if could join in. the girls usually said yes, sometime because they were nice girls, sometimes because of the teacher, but it was invaribly awkward and forced even with the nice girls. i just wasnt interested in their games and though i tried i never understood it and had to be told what to do by the others (now you hold this imaginary baby and put it in its imaginary pram and kiss your imaginary husband and we go for a walk, your not holding your pram!) they would be frustrated by my inability to play and i would be confused and upset by thier game and thier frustration.

after a while a few of kids i was most regularly placed with learned that i was different and couldnt play their games, there were some that would just refuse to let me play and say no either in front of the teacher or just after they left, but their were others who when i came over would change the game, mostly the mixed groups when i got sent to ask them would stop playing 'mummies and daddies' or 'shop' some of the girl would go somewhere else to carry on the game and the rest would stay and we'd play something like 'tag' or 'stuck in the mud'.

with these groups i would be happy and actually have a lot of fun, it also helped me to learn quite a few social skills watching how the kids interacted and being involved with them. i could play these games because they have simple and rigid rules. 'tag' is a simple game and the rules dont change, everyone agrees, its fun, social and needs no imaginary props.

so from this i would say, make sure the teachers arent trying to force her to play the other kids games. find some games she likes, 'structured play' if she doesnt like contact games like 'tag' this could be harder but we're all different, she might like playing shops. if you find some popular games she likes then the teachers during break time can ask other children if theyd like to join in and then supervise the play. if thier is an authority figure already in control then your daughter will feel less need to take charge and the teacher can also step in and explain to her when something happens that she doesnt understand (unknowingly causing offense, being to bossy, etc) some ideas other than contact, chasing games are skipping, pat-a-cake type hand games, short fun races; hopping, backwards running, walking, etc, hopscotch, catch, at one school their was even a knitting group.. theirs loads really, depends what she likes. basically just structured, supported play where she can socialise and have it be fun for both her and the other kids.

the most important thing of all, both during break, and in class and anywhere else too, is that you NEVER try to make her do something if she is upset. dont force her to interact. you could ask if she wants to join in, or if she wants to tell you what wrong but you should never pressure her to interact. if she is already upset then everything will be magnified hugely, something she might usually ignore or endure or even enjoy, may now be a terrifying or unbearable experience. she should never feel cornered. if she is upset and then surrounded by people all wanting to know whats wrong she will feel overwhelmed may be unable to cope or may panic. at school she should have a quiet room which she can go to if she becomes too stressed this will allow her to calm down on her own and process what has happened. AFTER she is calm you can talk to her to find out what happened and take action, maybe it was a social misunderstanding. you can explain it to her and then think of ways to prevent it from happening again. it may have been something that you would think of as being ridiculously over-reacted to but to her it is not.

also saying all this i dont mean for you to coddle her, doing so would be irresponsible and do her a major diservice. she will have hard times and she will be hurt and upset by the world around her but trying to protect and hide her from it will just make her scared of it and she will never learn how to fit. if you take away the stresses of the outside world then all she has is you and she wont know how to cope with anything else. when she becomes a teenager she wont be any less of a teenager than anyone else. if anything she will be more so. she will crave independance and she will have hormones and be just as moody and horny as any other girl. over protecting her now will make her incredibly vulnerable later and when shes horny and rebellious this will be incredibly dangerous. trust me, you do not want her making all her social mistakes when shes a teenager who hates you and wont ask for help.

also, when i was diagnosed my mum was trying to get me help and to get the teachers educated in aspergers so that they could understand me better. she had a book; "Martian in the Playground: Understanding the Schoolchild with Asperger's Syndrome" by clair sainsbury. i never actually read this book but my mum bought it when i was diagnosed and then leant it to my form tutor when i was having problems at school. my form tutor was very impressed with it said it helped to explain a lot of what was different to her, why i am the way i am and why i reacted the way i did to things, just got a better idea of what i was thinking. she was so impressed that she asked to borrow it for longer and reccomended it in the staff room. many of the teachers read it and all those who did said that it really helped to give them a better understanding and made them feel better able to help me in a way that would actually help me. there were even a few converts! those that were previously saying that i was just insolent, defiant, a loner, a result of bad parenting, etc, became understanding and sensitive, even so far as standing up for me to other teachers. quite a few also decided to take the optional aspergers teaching course thing that the social services were offering.

whilst some teachers chose not to read the book it did make a big difference to my experiences with those that did, even if they didnt directly teach me they were able to notice outside of class, during luchtimes, if things were becoming to much for me or i was getting overwhelmed by something then they were able, and willing to help. so though i havent read it myself, i would definately recomend that book to you and to anyone likely to spend time with her, especially her teachers.

well, that was probably a bit more long winded than it needed to be, but i hope it helps, and feel free to ask as many qestions as you like im sure that pretty much everyone her will have had some experience that can help you. and browsing the forums could also proove insightful.

regards,
ZooZoo

Everything you described sounds exactly like me as a young child (well, at least I hope I've improved in some areas since then, I'm 28 now). I'm not sure if I can offer that much advice without specific examples of her behavior, but I'm thinking back on the kind of conflicts I had at that age with my parents and friends/young relatives so I'll use those as examples. I'll mention that I was homeschooled so I did not deal with a school setting until I went into college, but my parents did put me in a lot of activities with other kids over the years, and I also had friends and cousins who were homeschooled or I did things with in the summers.

Regarding having to have things a certain way: try to choose your fights, so to speak. Let her have some things the certain way if it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things. Let her set up things in her own space (her room) her way or set up her personal things in her way (as long as they are not bothering other people). Don't force her to eat foods she hates, etc. There are so many things that become a source of friction, add to that the defiance (I don't know if this is Asperger's related or simply a character trait, I suspect the latter, but it doesn't go away) and ultimately I remember a lot of battles about things, as a child, that didn't really need to be battles, but that wasn't something I could grasp as a child. I'm a parent now too (2 year old) and of course at this age I realize I don't have to have everything a certain way all the time. My son does not have Asperger's but he is very particular about certain things, and I let him be. Because when I was young, those things were very, very important to me in a way that an adult simply doesn't realize... you grow up and there are such bigger more serious issues that come into your life that you realize some balance (even with Asperger's) but at a young age those issues are like the most important things in your entire world. Trying to control a defiant child by being a more controlling parent is a no-win situation as it just prompts more of this and it will become more of a problem as she gets older... as you are able to reason out which things really matter you are better able to pick things that you must insist on her leaving (unsafe behavior, pointless interfering with other people just to get her way, etc). and let the other things go.

Explain the boundaries when necessary (she can't do this activity now, but she can do it after such and such time). She can play this now, but when the clock hand reaches this number, it will be time to stop (even if she doesn't know how to tell time yet). She doesn't have to finish such and such food, but she can't scream and complain about it. Frequent reminders are probably necessary. I remember a lot of problems with my parents because they would call me to come, and I wouldn't hear (I still have problems with this... they did get my hearing testing, it is not about actual hearing but I think the inability to "tune in" to what is going on around me when I am focusing on something else). Or my mother would tell me to get dressed and I would start but something would distract me or I would start thinking or looking at the pattern in the bedspread and she would come in 20 minutes later to find me in the exact same place and there would be a big fight. This kind of thing does not need to be a fight. Rather than calling her from the next room, go over and interrupt (probably will not make her happy), and make sure the concentration changes to the new task and she begins the next activity (allow some transition time, not immediately switching to something else). It is very easy to "zone out" as other people have often described my behavior. It is not necessarily deliberately ignoring you.

In terms of her interactions with friends, this is still an area I have problems with, but thinking back to that age and what you've said about her, I have a couple of suggestions. Other children probably think she is bossy or don't understand why she wants to follow certain rules in play, etc. For instance if I was playing a game with other children and there were established rules, and they didn't follow them, I would get mad. (Or even if I made it up). This still bothers me but of course I've learned to express it differently than when I was 6. It also frustrated me if I began some kind of play and the other people changed to something else or lost interest. I ended up playing by myself a lot. The more successful games I played with others were imaginative games that didn't have as strict rules (though I liked the games with more established "rules" as well). She sound imaginative so these might be easier if she finds other children who like to play them. One of the hardest things may be that you want to play with somebody and that person doesn't want to play with you. This is the most painful part. It continues as you get older. If she did something specific to upset the other child, you could suggest that she apologize and suggest another activity, or agree to play something with them that they want to play for a bit, as many children of that age will forgive and forget fairly quickly. But if the other child doesn't want to play, you might need to explain to her that this is okay. Throughout my childhood I found other childrens rejection very painful and frustrating. I don't know if there were specific steps that would have improved that, to this day... aside from the obvious annoying behavior such as you've identified, sometimes kids just can tell that you are "weird" and they pick on that or avoid it. Maybe the best lesson to learn out of that is not to try as hard to play with somebody who doesn't want to play with you, just find another child and try to make friends anew. As someone with Asperger's there are going to be a lot of people you simply will not get along with or they will pick on you, and you can end up putting a lot of effort and trying to make friendships work that aren't going to go anywhere. It's better to learn that there are other children out there (though maybe few) who you will get along with and enjoy playing with and recognize your unique interesting factors. Don't work too hard to try to get her to get along with somebody who just isn't clicking, even if that is what she wants. I spent a lot of time worrying about this and trying to fix relationships, as a child (especially as I got older). I am told that I try too hard, and attach more value to friendships than others do (most of the time), and this is also offputting to other people. So I did not at all have this approach as a child but it might have helped.

One other comment on the rudeness, towards both adults and children. Don't assume that she already knows a certain behavior is considered "rude" or inappropriate. I can't count the number of times I was flatly informed of that far past the time when I was expected to know it, and had done the behavior many times (and probably irritated a lot of people). I think its very common that those with Asperger's don't pick up on certain social things that other children (or adults) don't need to be told, because they grasp them from the situation, or other people's reactions. You may think that she must already know that a behavior is rude or inappropriate but she might not. Or she might have forgotten, at that age. Frequent reminders may be helpful, and also just a calm discussion after something happens about how what she did made the other person feel like, to help her understand. Try to explain WHY things are rude or inappropriate when possible, as it will make more sense if she understands this as opposed to the unstated "this is the social convention" which eventually becomes a HUGE mental index of seemingly pointless rules. That said.... I STILL get people (my mother for instance) telling me I'm acting "rude" when meeting a person or whatever even though in my mind I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary and I think I'm being polite. At this age, try to focus on big-picture items that will be easier for a six year old to work on, and try to be specific about what behaviors are rude, as opposed to just saying "that was rude". Helping her remember to use polite language may also help (please, thank you, etc) because other people may interpret her body language as rude regardless of her intention (especially as she gets older) and these things will become an additional social lubricant to make up for it (and easier than trying to modify the body language).

Personally, and this may be more of a resource as she gets older, I have found it extremely interesting studying nonverbal communications, which covers not only gestures, but people's body language, inflections, etc, and the meaning behind them. This helps me pay more attention to such behaviors and what they mean. My discussions with people who don't have Asperger's about these things (if they haven't studied it) show that they are largely unaware of these things. That is, they practice them, but they don't know that they're doing a conventional nonverbal behavior that means X. (very simple example: the "eyebrow flash" when seeing someone you know). However, they understand that behavior and they expect other people to both understand and do that behavior. Someone with Asperger's won't unconsciously learn what that behavior is... so they not only don't recognize it, but they don't do it when appropriate, leaving the other person vaguely uncomfortable and not necessarily knowing why. As she gets older, studying these things will help her learn what they mean consciously and can act as a guide. There are a lot of things about social interaction that people without Asperger's learn unconsciously without even knowing that they know them, or that they exist... but they can still tell something is "off" when they aren't there. It will help you to learn these things so you can spell them out to her when appropriate and she can learn them consciously.

a couple of points in addition to what's already being said (which I pretty much agree with): first, work on her general self-control, for instance giving her a reward if she can refrain from doing something she wants or persist in doing something she does not want for some period of time. Start easy - some amount of time she has no problem with - and then work your way upwards. You might have to increase the reward value as it gets more difficult.

Second, don't assume that she's interested in 'girl' things. At that age, I was socially isolated from girls because I couldn't care less about playing 'house.' I played blocks and built zoos and offices with a little boy until he told me that 'he couldn't play with me because I was a girl.' See if you can find other kids who are interested in what she is interested in, regardless of gender; for most aspies, the activity is as important as (or more important than) the social aspects, and that seems to be less the case for NTs. Likewise, to teach her the value of other people you might try finding a willing expert in something that she's interested in who can teach her something.

With regard to her 'not hearing,' in my own case I literally do not hear someone speaking right next to me if I am concentrating intently on something. My mom knows to touch me on the shoulder if she needs to get my attention. Use that tactic sparingly, though, as it is extremely disorientating to emerge from the mental flow into the 'real' world, and was very pleasant to be there.

Some things will get better with age, and some things will get worse.

Thank you all for the replies. I have read and re-read each response and there is a lot of valuable information for me to absorb. I feel frustrated because I know I will not be able to stop the inevitable rejection and teasing that my daughter will have to endure throughout her schools years. I will say she does seem "normal" and I think that is part of the problem that plagues those with AS. People look at my daughter and think, WHY is she acting this way? She is a normal kid that is smart and she is being defiant and willful! She must need more discipline or something. Well take it from me we have tried all the regular parenting strategies and follow through very well and it doesn't change the behavior. She has AS and that comes with challenges that the rest of us don't have a clue about. So even after my husband and I do all the research in the world trying to figure our daughter out in an effort to makes life better (less stress, less meltdowns, more understanding, knowing that we have to explain things that seem obvious to us but are not to her, etc.), she will be in school 7 hours a day with kids that think she is weird or annoying and they will assume she just wants to act that way and that she is strange for doing so. Not to mention most teachers do not have a clue about AS and can be just as impatient and cruel as children are. I realize I will not be able to protect her (and being parents we cannot always protect our non-AS children either of course). But I feel like the long social road ahead is going to be a tough one filled with way more tears than the typical girl has. And that brings me to also realizing that having AS just has to be more difficult for girls than for boys because girls are expected to be more socially appropriate and empathetic. As a typcical girl without AS manuevering through the social world of school was hard enough!

So for now I am going to focus on life at home and keeping it as stress free as possible. I will "pick my battles" because to the above poster I agree that some things are just not worth the fight. Her room is a bit messy and everything has to be in a certain place and although it does annoy me I let her have it how she wants it. I can be more understanding when she doesn't respond to me when I call her. I will be right next to her and call her name and I get no response. After reading your posts I see that this is "normal" for people with AS. It makes me nervous though because say if it is an emergency and I need to get her attention??? And oh the post that mentioned taking forever to get dressed in the morning because you drifted off looking at the bedspread....I can tell you that my daughter seems to take forever when I am in a rush and it drives me crazy. I must learn to stay calm and not yell at her or get snippy about how long it is taking her to do something.

I can write a book here but that is enough for now. I am going to start writing down examples of behaviors that I really just do not "get" and I will ask for advice on here. This is a great forum and I am so happy to have found it. Thanks again

Last edited by my2crazygirls on 08 Mar 2011, 9:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'd check out Temple Grandin's books. She has a lot to say about education and home life that can be very beneficial. "The Way I see it" is very good and a quick read.

She sounds a lot like me from when I was little. Sorry I don't have any advice. But I will say mom used to tell me something is an opinion and he or she is entitled to it. I didn't know the difference between opinions and facts so I always had the tendency to think I was right.

But as a preteen I learned on my own no one likes bossy people and bossy meant always needing things your way so I started to let people decide what they want to do. Then when I was 20, it was a wake up call I got from my ex when he would argue with me and not shut up when I wouldn't agree with him. he just couldn't accept I had different opinions than him so that showed me how annoying that is and I didn't want to be like that so I stopped. He keep arguing until I agreed with him. I would pretend I did or just scream to shut him up since he hated being yelled at.

To highlight that people with AS can be just as different from person to person as NT's are, and to shed some light on your daughter...



I had to have certain things a certain way. A lot of this was due to hypersensitivity. I could only wear certain types of clothing but to be honest, this was the only thing that stands out to be as being a bit unusual (If you exclude things related to OCD). I'm sure, however, that my mother and siblings would disagree and insist that it seemed like I needed certain things a certain way all of the time. I don't think this is entirely correct. What I think was happening is that I really didn't need certain things a certain more than anyone else, but I think the things I needed a certain way were different from the things others generally need a certain way, so people were a lot more apt to attempt to micromanage me, disrespect my needs, and not be able to empathize with them.


In play with other children, I was generally not controlling.


Rude how and demanding how? When I was a child I was expected to say please and thankyou, and do my best to be considerate of others. Still, I was occasionally told I was being rude. This usually pertained to things such as telling the truth when apparently I shouldn't have, not being aware that how I was acting was viewed as inappropriate, for example, hiding in clothes racks at the department stores or laying down in the booths at the restaurants, and things of that sort. I was never intentionally horrible to anyone.


I generally had good impulse control....or maybe just lack of impulses though I did manage to do something destructive every now and then which apparently lead my mother to think I had some bottled up resentment of her....I didn't, I just didn't realize anyone would have an issue with what I was doing. For example, I once decided to melt my entire box of crayola crayons in one of her soup pans on the stove because I thought it would be fun. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing, but in the course of my planning, never did I fathom my mother would have a problem with this. I think I got the idea from a Mr. Roger's segment.


I always responded to my name.


A lot of times children with AS don't do as their told because it's actually something that's difficult for them to do for some reason, or they don't understand why they should do it.
I was frequently told to hurry up and put my shoes on, but this was actually a difficult process at the time because if the seams in the socks were aligned wrong, the feeling would drive me crazy. People with AS also tend to have trouble with transitions, so while switching from one thing to another may be so mundane that it's second nature to you, this can be very stressful for someone with AS...children in particular. Most parents find that preparing children for transitions helps. Many parents will say "Dinner at 6" then, at 5, "Dinner in an hour," then at 5:30 "Dinner in half an hour" then at 5:50 "Dinner in 10 minutes" and so on.

Insisting on doing something she shouldn't do might just be a manifestation of rigid thinking. If this is the case, you really just need to describe in detail why she shouldn't do it.


Well, she is 6. At this point I think I would just teach her to listen when to authoritive figures when they talk.


Yeah, surprise. We aren't all lacking in these departments.


This is actually quite common. A lot of people with AS will have temporary special interests and they might do nothing to engage in it other than think about it a lot.


I was a bit different. I wasn't much for being around people.



I think that even though she might have AS, the fact that she is still only 6 shouldn't be over looked, and children with AS don't different significantly from other children at this age in terms of conversation abilities, impulse control, and absolute ability to mind.

She does need to learn though that she cannot be domineering in interactions with other children, and could probably use more practice at taking turns. This can be achieved through multi-player games, such as board games, or other games which involve multiple people who have to take turns.

There's a whole 'theory of mind' thing that she might be missing. You might try explaining to her that her being happy or sad does not necessarily mean others are happy or sad. In other words, she might assume that others are having fun when she is regardless of what NTs would see as evidence to the contrary, and feel that they are just being perverse when they don't want to do what she wants them to.
I think I was around pre-school or kindergarten age when I figured that out, and only then because my mother flat out told me that her pushing me on the swing was not as fun as me being on the swing. I don't know what a normal age to get that is.
*sigh* just remembered that I didn't have friends in preschool... was thrilled for a day when I fell down and had to get stitches in my forehead, because all the other kids wanted to see. Was disappointed the next day when they were bored by the stitches.

Another thing that came to mind while I was thinking about this later. You may have been told this before but having a routine may make it a lot easier for her to manage the day and move from one task to another. And also getting used to this may prepare her for doing this when she gets older as method of getting things done and being able to move from one task to another without getting distracted, lost, taking forever, focusing too much on one thing, etc. I find it easy (and somewhat comforting) to follow a routine but it is hard for me to establish one on my own and follow it (even though I attempt to do so to make sure things get done). When I was growing up there were a lot of things that were very regular as a result of my father's influence (who likes routine a whole lot more than I do). We had a very standard pattern in terms of getting up, eating one of a few breakfast foods, certain chores, shower, school work, walk, lunch (almost always the same foods), different afternoon activities by day (tuesday this activity, monday this activity) and free time. I discovered when I got older that most people did not have their daily and weekly schedule this repetitive. It was a little much even for me. I like to have some variety occasionally.

But, especially when I was a kid, it was easier for me to follow, and know what was going to happen next, etc. It was (and is) hard for me to stick to established times of day (in terms of the clock/getting places on time), but I did know what was coming next. Also I got used to planning things and it is a lot easier for me to get things done when I know what is going to happen next. I do not stick to a schedule this regimented as an adult (for instance I don't eat the same thing every day) but I do plan out what may seem like simple tasks, errands to run, things to do etc. I make a lot of lists. If I don't plan out in advance I may find myself driving around wasting literally hours due to lack of a clear plan, direction, series of events that I have in mind (and sometimes write down). Also it helps me to get things taken care of. Knowing that Thursday night is time to clean the house, is helpful. It used to bother me a lot when for instance as a child my mother would randomly decide that some task that is normally done on this day or in the mornings, etc, should be done now, when I had already in my mind decided that other activities occupied that time. I think that having a plan and schedule in place helps in terms of coping and also in transitioning from one task to another and getting things done (especially from the perspective of a parent trying to get things accomplished... I'm not saying I wouldn't have happily drifted through the day but things would not have gotten done). It does not have to be inflexible but it may make the day a lot easier. To me at that age, doing something because that was when we do that task (even if it was something disagreeable) was a good reason in itself, even when other reasons might not have worked.

A lot of those describe me as a child, although I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until I was in my late 20's. Some things got better with age, including being able to handle transitions and changes in routine. At times, I can be hyperfocused, but in a way, that's a strength especially when at work. I was taught to say "please" and "thank you" as well as writing thank you notes, and responding to RSVP's, so the times I came across rude were telling the truth when it wasn't appropriate, or not controlling the tone of my voice. The "rudeness" was never intentional at all.

Maybe I'm missing something, but most of this sounds pretty normal for a 6 year old kid.

No, not "normal." She has the official asperger's diagnosis and these issues affect her ability to function and affect the whole family.

I went through many of those things not so long ago. Admittedly, my Aspie is very high functioning, so much so she didn't get her official dx until this past January. But she had many of those behavior challenges all along.

For me, redirection and lots of patient explanation were the way to go. The rigid thinking and black and white thinking are challenged with additional information rather than directives. Instead of telling her 'you must do this' (which will ALWAYS meet resistance even if she agrees) I explain why it must be done now or in this way, etc... 'Because I said so' is doomed to failure. Sometimes its as easy as 'those are the rules, parents are required to to do these things. If I do not follow the rules I can get in trouble.' I'm careful not to lie - I use that line when enforcing eating, grooming and school habits because there are policing bodies that do indeed police parents if these things are not maintained. Many times I will engage her to provide an alternative solution that is fair to both of us. My aspie is very motivated by fairness. She has learned to compromise quite well now.

Perhaps the most sanity saving technique in my arsenal has been learning to pick my battles. Sometimes compliance for compliance sake is counterproductive.

We also have the challenge of ADHD so I am quite familiar with the non responsivness, drifting attention and poor impulse control. I am loathe to use medications in most instances but for this, I did. Once properly medicated it was a night and day difference - one that my daughter herself remarked on and said she liked! She can focus now and has an easier time in school because of it. She's enjoying her special interests even more because she can keep herself on topic long enough to really delve into it instead of flitting from topic to topic with little control. I'm not concerned with the hyperfocus - channeled in the proper directions it can be a benefit.

That sounds very much like me when I was a child so it was really interesting to read. I was controlling with other children...I would "enforce" the class rules loudly and at inappropriate times. I also would get really upset if a new routine was added or taken away from our daily school routines. I was always described as often off in my own little world.......for years my report cards said things like "she is beginning to become more aware of her surroundings and her peers". I was constantly in my imaginary world and one of the main things I would do is obsess over particular animals and pretend to be them. I also would happily perseverate on the same topics or replay the same fantasies over and over but (for the most part) didn't have true AS special interests that involved accumulating info or objects related to a particular topic. I don't have any advice.................wish I did too. Io was constantly told not to be so bossy but I didn't understand that constantly telling people to follow the rules was bossy. Just make sure that she can generalize whatever "social rules" she learns to real life situations......or at least try to.....from my experience this is what I think will be hard.