Being corrected openly and feeling embarassed

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I attend a church where services are held on Saturdays instead, and they happen to hold dancing during praise and worship time. This dance is lead by two dance teachers who dance spiritually. As I like to dance, I had recently been getting up to dance with the group and it is fun. I had also been attending this church for a month and so I am getting used to the new rules.

This morning was different, however, when a woman who also attends this church, came up and said hello, and I said hi back. I then started walking away to pick up a church program but she started chasing me down calling out my name to whisper in my ear that if I was going to dance, that needed to wear a sports bra, otherwise she recommended that I do not dance when I didn't wear one because the minister would get upset for wiggling around. I felt embarrassed and a tad offended at her approach and communication skills. In all honesty, I wanted to blow up and tell her to shut up and maybe slap her but I didn't. Instead, I walked away with hot buttons. So, I decided to get her e-mail address so that I could explain to her that I felt that the way she communicated was very inappropriate and maybe a personal one-on-one woman to woman talk without other people around.

In the meantime, I had also decided to talk to another woman at church whom I was comfortable during fellowship time. So I explained the situation to her and how she communicated communicated with me. She had also agreed the way I was approached was a little out of line which rude and put me on the spot. She also calmly explained to me that there were a few women in the past who worse loose outfits and had gotten into trouble. So, they were required to wear sports bras or any other form of good support.


From my own side, I cannot stand wearing bras and have the tendency to wear the same one everyday even though it is wearing down because of sensory issues in terms of tightness.

So, being women on the spectrum, how do you feel about an issue like this?

I will make a positive assumption that this particular woman who approached you is unique in her social klutzy-ness and that the rest of the people there are reasonably nice and that you are getting your spiritual needs filled by being in this church.

The next time this partiuclar woman (or anyone else) approaches you in front of others with advice, comments, suggestions on your attire, your body, your relationships(s), your finances or any other topic which you deem inappropriate discussion in open, say the following:

"I do not like where this conversation is going. I would prefer to be approached and talk about this in private" - then quickly change the subject. If the other person reverts back to the taboo topic - repeat the phrase and turn and WALK AWAY.

BTW - I am glad that you did not blow up, tell her to shut up or slap her. The first two things would have made an already uncomfortable situation VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. Of course, slapping her would be inappropriate and illegal and make you banned from the church and possibly also result in a criminal charge of assault.

As for dancing and not liking wearing tight fitting undergarments for support - how about wearing your favourite tank top or t-shirt BUT wear a loose fitting flowing type top/tunic on top. This way the jiggle stays under the flowing garment so as not to be distracting to people who might be distracted by a woman's natural jigginess?

Although I don't go to church anymore, I sincerely hope that you enjoy your new church and have fun dancing

I'm too heavy-chested not to wear one at all times, but I understand clothing/sensory issues. I am surprised at this "policy". It's judgemental right to the core - why does the church not accept all members? But I digress. I guess if it were me, I'd opt not to go.

Although I am currently enjoying a little daydream in which the pastor is confronted about his breast/female issues, and is asked to describe exactly what he wants, given your situation?

I've never heard of such rules. I think a good regular bra can be supportive enough for most dancing. I have some well fitting ones that have no jiggling at all even when I run. There are loads of women here who are bra-free, they probably don't even own sports-bras. Is this a very conservative kind of church? I say just wear your most comfortable bra and nod and agree with their advice. It's not like they'll ask you to show your bra to prove it's sports bra.

I can relate to the sensory issue-i wore nothing but sports bras all the way up to my senior year, then i gave underwires a try. BIG mistake. they poked me everytime i moved my arms wrong. But because of another sensory issue, i simply must wear a bra, because everytime my breasts brushed up against something, it would send shockwaves through my body. I am hyper sensitive in those more personal regions.

can you not remind her god made breasts to jiggle?

Breasts are not some sexual appendage to be ashamed of, they're just another body part like an arm and leg and if you prefer to let them hang loose then so be it.

I wouldnt have been so polite - I'd tell her to stop staring at my tits for one thing.

Nature or god or whoever you wish to believe, intended you to have breasts - its not like you're getting them out and shoving them into peoples faces, you're dancing in celebration. Why can than celebration not include a celebration of the human form in all its glory?

What if it was a tubby belly jiggling about? would there be the same issues?

I get saddened when people get ashamed of the human body, even to the point of demanding a bra.

fwiw sports bras are tight and uncomfortable and scratchy

I'm afraid I'd be unable to suppress the urge to tell her to mind her own damn business, and unless the minister voices a concern, then she'd best stop trying to hide her own prudish offence behind a feigned concern for someone else. Then wiggle twice as much next time.

Seriously, to hell with nosey, bitchy pearl-clutchers like that, you don't need to answer to her, and she had no call to say something like that to you. If she persists, take it to the minister, establish whether they have a problem, and assuming the minister doesn't have any problem with you dancing bra-less, keep that in your holster as a rebuttal to her busybodying.

Sports bras are pretty comfortable aren't they?

It's pretty lame of them to be so concerned about people's bodies jiggling around while dancing... isn't that the point of dancing? But wearing a sports bra does not seem like a big deal.

I agree with those who say this woman meant no harm, but that doesn't change how you feel. It might not be worth embarrassing her by telling her how she embarrassed you. Instead, it might just be enough that you sought and received validation from others and know that she really wasn't intending any harm. She was trying to help you from being really embarrassed... as I'm sure you would be if you were plainly asked to no longer participate because your boobs are bouncing.

You might have to put up with a sports bra for this class. You'll have to determine if your opposition to tight fitting garments is debilitating. If you simply cannot function at all if there is a tight fitting garment on your body then you'll have to opt out of the class or do a lower impact version of the dances. If you find the tight fitting garments to be distracting and uncomfortable, you may be able to tolerate it for the sake of doing something you enjoy, knowing you'll rip the thing off in the ladies room immediately after you're done with the class.

So it's up to you.

I wear tank tops that have a shelf bra. Thank goodness you were able to speak to another who was more understanding of the sensitivity of the issue.