Confused with my sexuality (and some other things)

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I actually posted it in another thread, but I'll post it as a new topic and remove it from the other thread, since new questions opened up while I answered the OP's question. I also added more details. How does it seem like to you?

I feel like I think like a male but I don't feel like a male..I don't feel like a female either.
I guess I'm generally feminine, as some women, usually teachers, say that I'm very delicate/gracious and they see me as a very gracious girl. However, all the boys I know say that I'm "not a girl" (and that's a good thing), I can look like a girl but all the boys consider me to be their good buddy, instead of a potentional girlfriend.
But the strangest thing is, that I actually dislike girls and women, I can't stand gossping and their constant urge to giggle over things or talk, or worry about small things, whine, spend so much time on their appearance etc. It's so devastating IMO. I don't really talk with them. I hate when they talk behind my back, when they try to show something with their gestures or facial expressions, I can become completely furious. It's quite different with men, but only with intelligent men.. and now that I think, the guys I know aren't exactly NTs. NT teen males are just as horrible as NT teen girls for me, but at a slightly different level; as if I don't understand girls at all, as if they're completely alien, when I can actually sympathize with some males, or at least understand them.
Another thing I've been wondering about lately is my sexual orientation. I like certain female body types, I like to notice if they have a wonderful clean smell, I like beautiful proportional faces, clean hair and flowing movements, but I don't usually like anything they talk about. If I do, then in a certain amount of time I'll see that person from a completely new angle (not so with males, it seems as if I already know how they are when I spend some months conversing with them). I'm not sexually attracted to them in particular, but I don't feel any sexual attraction towards men at all, whereas I tend to notice female beauty.. I can imagine being physically close more with a woman than with a male (and it's been this way for many years), but I'd like to spend the rest of my life with a male in a platonic relationship, since I'd enjoy talking with a male much more than with a female. And then again, I'm not even sure if I'd like to have a serious relationship in my life either..
I get more tired when talking with a female than with a male. For example, when I talk with a male, I get tired only in a few hours, but females exhaust me so much that I get tired in less than an hour. However, my best friend of 5 years is female, but she's the only female I've met who is similar to me; she also has a "male" type of brain, more female than me, but still we get along very well (she's my only friend). Despite the fact that she's the only person I communicate with, we still see each other every 2-3 months, sometimes more often, but still not even on a weekly basis, and I don't mind that. However, I'm afraid of losing her. As if I'm extremely attached to her, like a thistle gets attached to a fabric; but if I'll ever loose her, I don't know what I'll do. It would be the same if I'd loose an arm, or a part of my body. She's a part of my life..

In terms of appearance, I'm picky about clothes because of my sensory issues ( a lot of fabrics hurt badly), but I still dress like woman. I don't wear any accessories though and I don't like matching my clothes (they're all usually graysih or very usual), but I like seeing myself in something new although I go rarely shopping (shopping centres and even small shops cause me to meltdown), and I also don't wear any hairdos. I tie my hair in a bun, and I don't cut my hair or go to hair salons because of sensory issues again (but it's well taken care of). I also prefer not to wear make-up, as it feels extremely artificial on my skin (doesn't matter if it's even just color pigments or a dash of powder, it will feel awful for me!!), I did wear make-up sometimes though, just that I definitely don't wear it on a daily basis and don't wear it to school, maybe only during a very special occasion, say, a graduation (not even a concert).

Last edited by esh on 10 Feb 2011, 7:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

You say you notice female beauty, but do you ever feel sexual attraction to females? If you don't feel sexual attraction to either males or females, it could be that you're asexual.
Also, have you ever been in love with anyone?

I'm not entirely sure if it would be considered sexual attraction, but I have dreamt of physical closeness both with males and females, not sex whatsoever, and I generally feel kind-of turned on when I think of certain females or imagine an "ideal" female, but I don't think of sex. When somebody talks about sex, it just leaves me emotionless; I have had these feelings/thoughts/dreams very rarely, and if I do see a female which turns me on, it's rare as well, but I have yet to see a male who would turn me on like a female does..
To me it seems extremely confusing. As if I like both sexes almost equally, prefer one gender over the other a little more, but I don't want sex with either of them, just a platonic relationship.
I'm not sure if asexual fits me correctly. It seems that in terms of feelings towards males/females it is correct, but I still have a libido, I just don't think about sex, and that happening naturally, and I don't want it either. I would, however, still like to be physically close to a person who will be my platonic partner.

I'm not sure if I've been really in love (partially because of my age and very narrow experience). I never had crushes; and I actually had a boyfriend when I was 11-12 years old, and he was 16 at the time. Now that would probably freak out many people, but at that age I was quite mature in some sense, but I don't know how it happened, I ended up in bed with that guy. We didn't do anything special since I didn't let him to do that and didn't feel sexually attracted, although I had physical feelings towards that person and really liked him (I'm not even entirely sure if it's normal to experience sexual desire at that age). I've been manipulated ( I guess it's right to call this a manipulation) this way afterward quite a few times. I didn't even sense where it all was going and I was completely clueless, then just would get rid of it coldly, just when I got first very obvious "sexual" signals. The guys in question would be older than me, as I'm generally befriending only older people, whom I could share my scientific, political and philosophical interests with..

You seem to be a lesbian, but not something that is very typical. I know your type, because I have encountered them in the queer women's community.

The fact is these things become more clear with age. While some people are blessed with clear direction with regards to these things, most people only figure this out through subtle hint. From what you are telling me is you are attracted to women physically, but have a hard time relating to most NT women. Let me say this...for lesbians and queer women they may be attracted to straight women physically, but fail to relate to them beyond that. Everything you are stating says if you spent time in the queer women's community, you may find there is women like you out there. Intellectual and philosophical, that you find very attractive. There is alot of queer women with Master's and Doctorates or went to highly selective universities. The fact is you may be picking up something subtle that says they are straight, that is why it may be turning you off. I can tell you, queer women express gender a bit differently than straight women. Their socialization is also a bit different within the community. Hope that helps.

The point is, you have not been exposed to this, and you are still finding your bearings.

Also note, I am bi, I don't find many women or men physically attractive, I connect on an intellectual level. Sex though is fun, and sometimes I do want it. Sexuality and sex and figuring it out is a journey, I am sure you will sort this out.

You're only 15, which means that you have plenty of time to figure things out. I had no interests in sex either, when I was your age. I know there is a social pressure to talk about sex and to want sex at your age, but you shouldn't be in a hurry to find yourself. It takes time.

15...Very young indeed. My advice is to find an LGBTQ youth group for teenagers, one that is open to those who are questioning, which it seems that you are. You are new to this, and have a good head on your shoulders. Many of us take alot longer to figure things out, often it happens in college or after.

At 15, I was only vaguely feeling attractions while everyone else around me was getting obsessed... It was rather confusing so I understand where you are coming from!
I have always been a 'tomboy' and had my 1st crush on a girl (my best friend at the time) when I was 16/17 but I still wasn't really thinking about sex.. Was more that I liked being physically close to her (I don't like physical closeness with people in general), it made me feel... Good. lol..
I went through a brief phase of thinking I might be bi, then once I realised my attraction to some men was actually wanting to be them as opposed to being intimate with them, while my attraction to women was a desire to be physically close... I finally figured out that I am a lesbian at 19/20! lol

Don't rush yourself.. Just because your peers are all crazy hormone factories doesn't mean you have to act on feelings you or they expect you to have.. I made that mistake a few times in my confusion and attempts to fit in. There is no rush, and your feelings and preferences will become clearer as you mature.

Thank you for all of the helpful replies.
I hadn't thought of rushing or labeling myself so early, just that my feelings are very different from those of other teenagers I have met, so I wanted to know someone else's view on it.

My experience is very similar to yours, Rat_Barzane. But I will definitely wait until I'm completely sure of what my sexuality is, I guess it will take a few more years to figure it out.