what is more important

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being honest (i mean complete honesty, no white lies).
or
having others like you (acceptance by your peers).

and please explain your answer.

No contest.

"I will do anything for (social acceptance), but I won't do that."

I've resigned two professional posts and not taken another one because of what I considered unethical practice.

I lost most of my Christian friends, who were the vast majority of my friends, when I decided not to pretend I believed, when I ceased to.

On things that I don't see as key issues, I will give ground, compromise, allow room to make people happy. But there are definite places I won't go, even if that's where the crowd is going.
And how that makes them feel about me doesn't weigh enough.

Last edited by Emettman on 11 Aug 2006, 1:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What is the point of having relationships if they're not honest?

I think the completely honest answer is "neither."

I do not wish to share everything about myself with everyone; this means that, at times, I must be dishonest in order to retain a sense of privacy and boundaries. I must conceal things or omit things that I consider personal or private.

But, on the other hand, I do not think it is worth sacrificing one's inner truth to be liked by your peers. In fact, I don't think it's worth sacrificing much at all to be liked by your peers. That is not a high endeavor by any standard; "Rome is the masses;" "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him."

I think, neither. I will tell a white lie if I know that my opinion will hurt someone, because I don't know whether my opinion is shared by anyone else anyway. And if it is and that is discovered, then I'll be honest about my reasons afterwards.

But changing my beliefs in things (religious, moral or otherwise) for acceptance by my peers is not an option.

Most people lie to avoid conflict and anger.

For example my 2 year old neice lied about putting mud on my car seat. Firstly because she did it by accident, she didn't do it on purpose, and secondly because she didn't want me to get mad at her.

I showed her how she did do it, explained in my car it didn't matter - you can wipe mud off vinyl seats and I didn't get mad at her.

So we start really really young - saying whatever we can to avoid adults yelling at us. Funny how that doesn't stop her from making a huge loud mess out of the giant lego.

I will lie about trivial things for convenience, I will occasionally lie to protect my privacy, although usually I can find a way of answering the question that is truthful without letting them know all the truth. Expecting people to tell ALL the truth could take months, years so that is silly too.

I don't like lies about things that are important. And I don't like when people say what they think will please me, when I really want to know their opinion even if it isn't so positive. The trouble with the people pleasers is they are often operating using what they know about stereotypes and not what they know about me and I don't fit any stereotype.

Honesty... I do try and avoid akward questions so I don't have to lie when I don't know people well, but I like to be honest.

Explanation: I find it difficult to lie and I always feel i'm not being true to myself.

I pick being liked. Being unliked makes life a lot harder than telling the occasional white lie does and social acceptance provides a strength that I feel I should not ignore. I would rather be pragmatic than perfect.

It's useless to simply pose this as a black-and-white dilemma. Whether one or another is better is entirely dependant on the situation.

If I had to choose, I'd pick honest. If I had to die, I would like to know before I don't exist anymore that I lived a life where I knew what really happened instead of a fantasy world that never approximated reality.

I have many fears & reasons for not going places & doing things. I avoid situations where I feel I'll have to routinely & perpetually lie. Deception through omission isn't as hard as through commission/fabrication, but the whole thing is awful. Dishonesty makes me angry at others, and I take jokes or teasing as lies unless made aware beforehand.
I feel guilty whenever I feel I have to lie, which I try to rationalize by thinking of how it's in service of genuine self-defense.
Example:My father is having a late mid-life crisis (for a couple years), his life has unravelled and is full of chronic stressors. I had been talking to him when he'd call, but he's been saying the same things each time (incl. TMI about his new sexual adventures). Lately, I've not been answering the phone, because I don't want to deal with him. That's dishonest, as is having my boyfriend make an excuse for me when I don't come to the phone. The alternative is to tell my father what I really think & feel towards him (both now and in the past). I'd like to do so, and have tried to some extent in past-but it's gone poorly, and we've been unable to resolve things. If he were "up to it" I'd try again-but he can't listen to me with his life so messy & confusing now. I refuse to be mean & hurt him like that, and I can't pretend I'm not repressing myself if I do talk to him-so I avoid. It damges me in some small way to hear him telling me details about women barely half his age & how sexy they are & what they did, etc. I'm pleased for him to discover experiences he missed out on (bc. he married young)-and have told him so. He can't seem to get concept of TMI, though-or his memory loss is organic (drinking or alzheimer's). Guess I'd rather he were a bit less honest with me, skip sharing certain things-then I feel guilty, like I'm being disapproving or uptight-yeah, it's a moral quandry.
Sorry if that was TMI, folks !

I long ago decided that honesty was better because that way, I always know where I stand with someone and they know where they stand with me. I mean, how can either of us fix things if we're pretendin nothing is wrong?

My husband and I are well-matched in that -we both prefer honesty becuase then we know we can always trust what the other is saying.

I learned in an ethics class that honesty doesn't always mean telling the truth! For example, if someone asks you if they look fat they are not really asking for the truth. The learned, socialized question is really asking you to tell them that they are OK, even if they are fat. The trouble is that you have to learn all that from experience the hard way.

If you're honest, you don't have to remember anything.

I think it is important and healthy to be as honest as you can be under ANY circumstances. If your friend asks you if she looks fat, and she does, find a diplomatic way to say that she looks fat. It doesn't have to be said in a hurtful way. You can say that your friend has sexy curves, or that she's voluptuous. If she is full figured then this is a perfectly valid truth. There are different ways to frame things and to emphasize the positive even when you have to tell a friend that she is fat.

I think a lie can be defined as when you cannot imagine any other perspective and yet you say the opposite of what you think despite the fact that you yourself do not believe what you are saying. I AlWAYS try to tell the truth, and if I find I cannot tell the truth of what I think to someone then I usually will not have anything to do with that person.

I would pick, "acceptance by your peers." Doesn't it mean a lot to you that you have good friends that accept you for who you are. I already told a couple of my friends that I have Asperger's Syndrome. It is nothing to be ashamed of.