How far would you go with the 'wrong person'?

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oddness
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30 May 2011, 1:43 pm

How far do you go out of desperation with someone you are not interested in? Iam 26 and never been in a relationship. Two of my friends said I would get on well with their male friend. So I contacted him and we have met a few times and have got along ok as far as I can tell but we have not even touched each other apart from accidentally. Before we met I researched him on facebook and my first thoughts were he's not that good looking but we have hobbies in common. I did think I want someone handsome so I wont contact him. Then I think my desperation took over and I thought what the hell I have nothing to lose and I am now meeting him. I would love to know whether he like me or just enjoys the activity we do.

It could be he is not attracted to me in which case I dont mind staying friends and meeting for a chat or to do some sport occasionally. However my thoughts are wandering to if he does like me and tries to touch me/kiss me etc. How far would you go before you decide you will never really love him and should wait for the right person to come along? Because my desperation says let him touch you to see what it feels like in case you never get that close to anyone again. The same with kissing I almost want him to try to kiss me so that I know what kissing feels like. I dont think I could have sex with him unless I developed more feelings for him. And he doesnt seem like the kind of guy who would carry on if I said no so I think Im safe there. But I fear Im being too (I dont know what the word is) emotionless/ clinical/ desperate about this and I might hurt him and me. How far should you string a man along before you decide to look for a better one? I wonder whether it is the aspergers making me think more like a man ie able to have a one night stand with out regretting hurting the other person.



Ai_Ling
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30 May 2011, 2:15 pm

Ok so u dont like his looks but do u like him as a person or u don't really care for him that much. I went thru a period where I met many guys from an online dating site cause I was desperate and if you don't hit it off with him right away where u think he at least has good friend potential, its not something that's worth pursuing. It doesn't sound like u really care for this guy that much. But then remember, looks aren't everything. My policy on that is while looks aren't everything don't stoop so low to the point where your ashamed of the guys looks like being seen by your friends with him is kinda embarrassing. As for desperation, I can tell u this, if your simply desperate for someone to be the main reason why ur going after a person, it aint gonna work cause your gonna try to make nothing into something. I've tried that in hopes something would grow and it never did.



mb1984
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30 May 2011, 5:06 pm

My advice would be to leave the looks out of the picture for now. Focus on common interests, how he makes you feel about yourself, and how your friendship develops. In my experience, "true love" comes with shared experiences, common goals, trust, and a friendship that will be life-long. I think that casual dating is a great thing if you enjoy his company, but just don't "click". It's great practice for interacting with men, and there's nothing wrong with a little kissing now and then. It's good fun.


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werewolf
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01 Jun 2011, 12:52 pm

If someone is so ashamed about the looks of a person she/he is with, then the ashamed person itself has a problem...

Maybe the understanding that looks do not matter so much and the ability to see beauty in people who do not hold up for the "TV standard" comes in the course of relationship-experience. But I still suggest that you should push this looks issue aside despite its being your possible-first relationship. Try to see the beauty.

And then ask yourself questions. Do you feel good, relaxed and as yourself in his company? Is he more or less disturbing if he gets into your "personal space" than other people are?

Comfort-relationships are fine and trying out some closeness before deciding if you want it more is also fine on my opinion. Is he the type who would get very hurt if you leave after some trying out anyway? If he is not so-very-very interested in you, only slightly, it might be just fine route to go for both of you.



wefunction
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01 Jun 2011, 1:18 pm

If the wrong person is wrong because I'm not attracted to them, I would not go far at all. In fact, I'd put it in the friendzone with a friendly back-pat hug. If the wrong person is wrong because we have different interests/goals/beliefs, I'll take it as far as to satisfy my physical attraction but wouldn't build a relationship.

I couldn't manage to lead someone on because my true feelings are very difficult to hide. If I'm not into someone, it shows. If they're desperate enough to stay with me when I'm not into them (and they know it), I'll have even less respect for them. I also expect people to think poorly of me for taking advantage of someone like that. It just wouldn't work. I couldn't manage it. I don't recommend you try it, either.

If you're not genuinely into this guy, move on. This means he's meant for someone else and if you allow desperation to grab him as a placeholder in case someone better comes along, you're taking him away from someone who could really love and cherish him. You strike me as a decent person and decent people don't do that to other people. So I generally advise against it.



tomboy4good
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01 Jun 2011, 1:21 pm

wefunction wrote:
If you're not genuinely into this guy, move on. This means he's meant for someone else and if you allow desperation to grab him as a placeholder in case someone better comes along, you're taking him away from someone who could really love and cherish him. You strike me as a decent person and decent people don't do that to other people. So I generally advise against it.


Well said! I totally agree. If this person doesn't really interest you, let him go. It'll save the both of you a lot of misery in the future too.


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