Is This woman being wrong?

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I recently went to a sort of reunion with my boyfriend. He had an ex girlfriend there, whom he dated over 20 years ago. I noticed that she was constantly talking to him, standing close, looking into his eyes, etc. It started to bug me. In fact, it was awkward when I would go to say something to him and there she was. When I mentioned it to him, he didn't think there was anything wrong, and said that he still considered her a friend, even though he has only seen her once this year after many years.

OTOH, I felt that she was monopolizing him and not respecting the fact that I was there, and that she wasn't taking our relationship seriously. He didn't agree. I am not exactly jealous of her, but I felt like she wasn't behaving properly. She acted as if I were nobody. I spoke to my friend about it, and she felt that this woman wasn't observing healthy boundaries.

I wouldn't have minded it so much if she had made an effort to be friendly to me, but she was barely friendly at all. As an Aspie, I am confused. If it were me, I wouldn't be so overly friendly to someone else's SO, no matter if I had been in a relationship with them so long ago. I would be polite, but not keep following him around and being so familiar. What opinions do other women have?

It sounds like she's still interested in him?

Yes, she was wrong.

I mentioned this to another member here earlier today, this is an example of girl hate or at least how girl hate can lead girls to act, she was trying to compete with you for his attention by undermining you - men are totally oblivious to this. In all fairness it is quite subtle, but to women (even we aspie women...perhaps even more for aspie women) this sends a very clear loud message to you.

It's a situation I dislike, I've had something like this in the past, only in my case it was with a friend who had more regular contact with my ex-partner, he insisted this was not happening, if I pushed the matter or told him I wasn't comfortable with her being around him then I'd either look jealous or like a b*tch. As long as your guy isn't going to be in regular contact with this woman don't worry about it, best drop it in front of him because all he'll see is you making an issue when to him there was nothing going on.

You cannot expect others to abide by your standards of socializing when they are socializing with others. This woman could have still had an attraction to your boyfriend, perhaps she just socializes like that with everyone she knows. Perhaps she ignored you because she thought you were a nobody, or perhaps she is simply shy around strangers and didn't know what to say to you.

Anyway, it's nothing to get upset with your boyfriend over as he was an innocent party in the matter.

Well, now for a little background info. This woman is anything but shy. She is very NT, very married, and very extroverted. I was the only stranger there. As for standards of socializing, I have none that I know of. I simply try to treat others the way the way that I would wish to be treated. And I did get upset over it. I can't help that. Our relationship is only two years old, and there is much that I am still learning about my boyfriend.

Do you trust your boyfriend?

I agree. I actually met another ex of his at another party, and she was really nice; I actually liked her. She didn't follow my boyfriend around and treat him as if her were her personal property. She had completely gotten over him, and was married with children. This woman was married, but hardly spoke to her own husband the whole time we were there.


True. He just doesn't see it that way. We did have a talk, and I think everything is cool with us. What I said to him was that his reaction of annoyance when I felt a little insecure about our relationship was not conducive to building trust. I told him that what I needed at such a moment was for him to act loving; not dismissive. I said that I was not perfect, and that it is only normal for a women to feel a little insecure; especially when the ex is not acting like a mature adult, but actually ignoring me and talking to everyone else! I just hate it when he defends her; she has a husband to do that, it isn't his job anymore.

Yes. But I don't trust her. She actually was the cause of him breaking up with another girl, years ago. She allowed this other woman to catch her watching television with him, knowing that she would get upset. She just isn't acting married or respectful of other peoples relationships at all. If I ran into an ex at a party, I would not spend much time with him at all, lest I get misunderstood.

My guy is an Aspie, and quite naive to what women are capable of.

One word comes to mind to me from your post. Jealous.

She is jealous of you.

I was conversing with a man at a gathering once and his girlfriend apparently took issue with it. Perhaps I was being too intense in the way I was conversing with him though I was simply trying to socialize and had no interest in him romantically...in fact I found him very unattractive, yet his girlfriend literally stepped right between us as if to guard him from me. I would not be surprised if she later told her friends that some woman tried to take her man or something of that sort but honestly I don't see why she thought he was that great.

When my husband and I go to a party, we hardly speak, either. We live together. We see each other all the time. We talk every day. When we're out socializing, we want to talk to people we don't see and speak to every day. We want to catch up with our friends -- if we want to go out and only talk to each other, we go on a date. A party is a chance to spend time with other people -- a short break from talking with the same person as always. This woman and her husband may feel the same way.

Both my husband and I actually get a kick out of watching people flirt with the other. It doesn't bug me when women try to get cozy with him, because I know if I walked over, he'd introduce me as his wife. (He doesn't wear a ring, so women are usually greatly disappointed to learn he's taken.) I'm a natural flirt, but my husband knows I am devoted to him and not interested in cheating. I can spend a whole evening talking with another guy and he doesn't care -- he knows who I'm going home with in the end! We trust each other, so we don't worry if some random person is getting cuddly or flirtatious with the other.

To put it simply, if your boyfriend wanted to be with his ex, he wouldn't be with you. He'd still be with her. You've been together for two years; it doesn't sound like he's pining after another woman to me! In the end, we're all human. We're going to be attracted to people other than our chosen partners, people besides our chosen partners are going to be attracted to us. It doesn't mean we have to act on that attraction. I wouldn't get too worked up just because his ex was flirting with him. Frankly, guys can be ridiculously oblivious to flirting and think the girl in question is just being friendly -- if they are still friends, he may have interpreted whatever she was doing as a friendly gesture. In the end, who did he go home with (so to speak) -- you, or her?

One warning -- guys hate it if you complain about other people flirting with them. It makes it sound like you think he can't be trusted. I mean, how would you feel if he complained about a guy flirting with you? Flirting is harmless, and if you trust him, just let it go.

Flirting isn't always harmless.
This isn't about trust, it's about someone crossing tolerable boundaries.

To be honest, even if he doesn't see her every day hanging around him for the whole party is pretty weird. At parties it's normal to go around and talk to lots of people.

I agree. It isn't that I don't trust my guy. What I don't trust is her. He considers her a friend, which I also don't understand. She never does anything for him, he only sees her once a year for the past two years at this reunion thing. If she would make an effort to at least be friendly to me, it wouldn't be so bad. I question her motives. And since I was a little overwhelmed being surrounded by strangers, I found it annoying that whenever I sought out my boyfriend for a hug or a few words, I had to interrupt her conversation with him. She kept taking him off into another room to talk. WTF? She communicates with him on FB too.

well, the way i see it is that the girl doesn't really have any responsibility to include you, but your boyfriend does have that responsibility. even if it means awkwardly turning to you to say something like, "what do YOU think about this topic, hartzofspace" while the ex-gf goes on and on. there are ways he could have stepped in to include you or he could have cut the conversation short as she monopolized his time.

if a man is faithful and committed in a relationship, then there is no danger of them straying. even a bed full of naked playboy bunnies and supermodels couldn't make him bat an eye. so there is no danger in this woman having any effect on him at all if he is unswayable anyways. so at worst she just has bad manners, which your boyfriend could have helped with. she is not a danger to your relationship unless it is already on shaky ground; her flirting can't do any actual damage without pre-existing problems.

really, she sounds like a monopolizing, annoying wench, but that isn't going to change. there will always be people like that in your life so the best thing your boyfriend can do is to be more supportive and helpful to you when it happens next time.

That's my thought on it, too. It is his responsibility to be supportive of me at times like that.

It certainly seems that way!