For all AS partners, husbands and wifes...

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Do you feel "connected" with your half? Do you feel that your
hausband or wife spiritually close to you?

Yes.

hi, LostAlien! Nice to see you here ... I am trying to understand here whether I have a problem because I lost trust in my husband, or we are just waisting our time together because he is not interested in my feelings, he simply doesn't care... That's the dilemma I have...

Hiya - hard to say what you should do - but I do feel 'connected' to my husband. Sometimes I really feel I love him, sometimes I do feel quite remote, but always 'connected' if that makes any sense?

I cried my heart out the other day when we watched Terry Pratchett's film on euthanasia. I just can't imagine losing him like that (despite being a terrible nurse and not at all sure I would be able to cope in a role of caring for him). It hit me then how deep my feelings for him are.

I wanted to add that I have always felt that initial gush of "love" which wanes, and I walked out on my first husband after 3 years in part because I didn't feel the same emotion anymore. I don't regret it - he and I are friends, and he is so much happier with his new wife. I would never have been as good a wife to him, and I love seeing him happy - but he still called on me to fix his garage door the other day!

.....but I am kind of feeling the same sort of lost emotion with my 2nd husband now, about the same length of time into the relationship. This time I am determined I am going to work through the stage, and I am sure it is a stage. I feel very happy when I think of a future with him (as in how we will spend our retirement together me a batty old woman with a walking stick!) - that was not so true with my first husband, and I found it hard to imagine a future together.

I understand what you mean. May be I didn't express myself correctly. I love my husband and this will never change. Despite the differences, I adore him and I can see us together in 20 - 40 years time. What I can't feel is his connection to me. It feels that he is on and off ... Sometimes he shows he really loves me and our daughter, but other times he shuts off and avoids us.
We have been through a lot together, I mean, I always was on his side and supported him in everything. He had a problem with alcohol, I didn't know about it and found out after we got maried.... he started drinking saying because he was very happy... it is all in the past now (I know it never really is, but now he realises what effect it has on him and how much he's got on stake, so I trust him and very positive we'll never come through the same horror again).

I just feel so lost at the moment. I keep coming back to WP in hope to understand myself, my husband and where we are heading to... He once said that I think too much, which is probably true in a way, but I need to find answers to all the qiestions I have. I just want to be happy and have no doubts in our future.
thank you again.

I love my husband very much. But he used to shut me out emotionally for weeks at a time, and nobody could find out why. He also had some other strange angry behaviour. My friends kept advising me to leave him because of it.

Finally I made him see a doctor and it was found out that he had depression. After he started taking antidepressants, his behaviour changed and he has never acted distant like that again. He had been acting distant because he couldn't stand his own bad feelings, and it had nothing to do with me after all. Now that he's no longer in emotional pain, he can show me his love every day.

Maybe your husband might have depression, and you should see a doctor with him? Half the world has depression, it's that common.

I think I understand - I was trying to explain how I feel.....not too good at that!.....If I understand you correctly, it is your husband that is the aspie? And I am the aspie. What you say above would describe me, and I can imagine my husband saying that about me. Of course there are myriad of differences between AS men and women, as well as, of course, between one person and the next - but this is something like how things are in my head:

When I am happy and relaxed I am childlike in my happiness, overtly loving, hug-able, I will express my love verbally, physically (I mean by holding hands, being close....I guess that could be read the wrong way!) through learned body language, and through instinctive body language which is probably "wrong" to the outside world, but no mistaking a connection.

When I am feeling scared, I am unpredictable and often scared even of my husband and his approaches, and in particular his reactions to me (even if those reactions are loving, they can come across as smothering). When I am angered by something - it could be an irritating noise for example, not necessarily obvious, or it could equally be something really, really blatant and completely valid - I find it very hard to be around people at all. During 'bad emotions' I will typically be quite physically distant. Emotionally, I am wondering why I am putting my beloved family though my outbursts and difficulties, I feel unlovable and as such I will not connect with someone who is saying they love me - and presumably come across that way. I have actually told my husband to try not to tell me he loves me when I am feeling bad, as it tends to make things worse.

I could easily feel both these ways within the course of a day - or for days on end. And I can see how this would come across as on-and-off. But in reality, my love, my deep feelings towards my family remain pretty constant. I just cannot mask what I am feeling, and I find it almost impossible to 'adjust' the way I am to benefit the people around me - especially when I am not 100% ok.

Sorry - just wanted to point out something - again, this is me, but typically aspie - "not interested in my feelings" and "doesn't care" are two completely different things.

I could certainly be accused of not being interested in someone's feelings - as in, not being bothered if they are happy or sad about something, and certainly not considering that there is even a possibility something I did / said / didn't do would have an impact on someone else - much less being able to predict what that impact would be.

But it is different to caring about that impact - I hate upsetting people. I truly do care. It might not be obvious though.

So I might conclude - that if your husband really doesn't care, then maybe there is a problem - but if it is you that is taking "not interested" to mean "doesn't care" you guys can probably work it out. Does that make any sense? I can't explain very well

Sam-wi, you can't imagine how much information you are giving to me now. I feel so overwhelmed..., because describing yourself you give me the answers to a lot of questions I had, and a lot of doubts I had. Now I do understand the difference between "don't care" and "isn't interested" ... he used to say to me that he cares but I just could't understand his behavior.. now I do. I do understand everything you are saying, it is like getting answers from him. I can't wait till he comes back....
thank you so much again!! !

He used to suffer with depression before we met, and I suspect that he suffers with it sometimes, but I also know that it's not just depression that used to separate two of us. I am so glad I found the reasons...

I re-read the previous thread, I think (based on that information) that he's depressed more regularly but could possibly be hiding it a little.