This whole beauty thing (for what its worth)

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You know how they all say inner beauty is what counts? Do you ever think that inside, people think your ugly? See a lot of women struggle with that their not the best looking and that's understandable. My speech book says that people with more pleasing personalities tend to be rated as more attractive. And it also says that while looks may open doors, personality is what keeps them open. So Im taking, if your personality sucks, then your even more screwed? This is coming from an aspie who is not bad looking.

So this whole concept of beauty. Yeah, I dont feel beautiful but its not cause Im ugly on the outside. Its cause I feel ugly on the inside? At least a lot of the women who feel ugly on the outside can say their pretty on the inside.

I empathise with your post. As an aspie female I have always been more insecure about my personality than about my looks too.

What do you dislike about your inner self?

I know some snipey judgemental women (who are fairly good looking) who say that they are good people; "I'm a good person." But they don't have friends because they say mean little things and look for ways to get peers into trouble. Folks avoid them.

This is an illustration of women who believe that they're beautiful on their insides but don't understand why people avoid them. So, no, being able to say I'm beautiful on the inside is not exactly inner beauty.

Women who see the beauty in the people around them are those percieved as more beautiful than their physical selves. This is not formulaic; such as simply telling others they're beautiful. It's organic; actually enjoying the beauty in others and delighting in their presence. It's an outward looking kind of beauty.

I think this has more to do with my concepts of self-hate which I keep coming back to. Its so hard to overcome. Its like everywhere I go, I always have to worry about if people are gonna dislike me. After a while, you get so many negative reactions from people, you just become so bitter.

First of all. Just the way my personality is, I can come off as cold and uncaring from my outward appearance. It doesn't mean I am that's the thing. I care about my friends, I even care about some of my co-workers. However, unless you really get to know me, you wont see that. I do very small things to show I care. I don't shove it up your face unlike other women. People think I'm ugly personality wise.

I see the women who are liked the most. They take immediate sympathy/empathy to a person. Their the type that always ask me, "if theirs something wrong". As aspies, its not our nature to be shoving our sympathy/empathy up peoples faces. Theirs just something about not showing that you care and being female which is associated with being cold. Being a cold female is looked down upon by societal standards.

you know I think theirs a lotta ways which women will fake a persona which they "see the beauty in the people around them". I had a friend in HS who is super friendly and cheery and I thought she was really happy. Finally she admitted to me one day that she was really not this happy. She was on anti-depressants and she was pretending most of the time. Id ask her isnt it hard to keep it up, and she said that some days its really hard. See this is the NT equivalent to an aspie female pretending to be NT. See, they know that acting a certain way will get them liked and they want badly to be liked so they fake it.

Even on lesser instances, see many NT women know how to act to be liked. They were trained to be nice, sweet, pleasant, and subtle. So they know how they gotta act, not to say its always conscience or their always forcing themselves to be like that.

They judge other women who arent a certain way to be cold or b*****s.

Ai Ling, what you wrote shows that you are not ugly inside at all. You sound like a good person whom I would be happy to be friends with.

You are correct in saying that it relates to your "self-hate". But "hate" is too strong a word. Let's call it "low self-esteem". I had bucket-loads of low self-esteem too when I was your age (sorry, I didn't say "when I was your age" to sound condescending!) Over time I came to realize that there are all types of people in the world, and the vast majority are absorbed in their own lives and just protecting themselves and trying to get ahead. The women whom you describe, those who are "liked the most", all it is is that they simply possess a useful social skill. It really is nothing more than a skill that people use to help them get ahead in life. Having this skill does not make them "better people" than those who do not have this skill! It does not make them morally better. It does not make them better or more loyal friends. It simply gives them an advantage. It is no different from physical beauty!! To me it is just as "shallow" as physical beauty. It is an outwards attribute. The negative reactions they give you shows that they are not beautiful inside; they are narrow-minded, judgmental and limited in their outlook.

What is important about a person is not personality but CHARACTER. But it's very hard to understand this when you're young (sorry, didn't mean to sound condescending again!)

Just from reading your other posts it does not seem like you have an ugly personality to me.

You recognized something about yourself, i am guessing you do not like it. Now you can change it, start working on your personality everyday. Doing little things different. When you would argue with someone agree with them instead, when you would not say thank you say it. When you would complain, be positive instead. You get the point. Just do little things different everyday and you will be surprised how far it can take you.

oh no your not being condescending. I know what you mean.



That's actually a very interesting point that I never really thought of. See I hungout with these girls who mostly accepted me because they were suppose to according to their religious believes. After this past yr, I became very absorbed how they went around trying to be a bunch of little miss perfects. They were caring, sweet, nice who embrassed girl bonding so they could exude all their girly sweet caring vibes. I know most people reading this would go huh, why is that bad? I just ended up fighting one of my major self-esteem problems. I felt like an inferior outcast. After a while, I just couldnt stomach it.

What is important about a person is not personality but CHARACTER. But it's very hard to understand this when you're young (sorry, didn't mean to sound condescending again!)[/quote]

I totally agree with all of this. Personally if you are a member of my family or someone that I really care about I will do small things for you here & there that I think you will like, just because. However I'm not friendly to random people that I don't know (& I hate pretending for those I detest) so I think that a lot of people think I'm a "witch", if you get my drift.

We are who we are . We do not like to be fake. What a shame NTs don't realise that when we do compliment them that it is a completely genuine thing. That makes us beautiful. We are real people.

Now that I'm starting to understand how NTs have been trained to behave I'm not feeling quite so bitter about them. I guess that makes me a little more beautiful

How can one be pure ugly or beautiful on the inside?

As I understand it, you're talking about those people who always seem to expect good things and who always seem to make other people feel ok. I think it has a minor positive effect on their outher looks, and while you think they are beautiful, I think they are cute, but I also think they are a little naive and Im sure there are abysms in us all.
I cant compare my inner self with my outside. My inner self stretches between good and evil, charming and repulsive, cool and ridiculous and so on. Its a mess compared to the outside which is a physically fact.

What I guess Im holding on to, is the fact about how little my voice counts regarding the opinion of my inside BECAUSE I didnt choose living here and neither did I create the possibilities that exist. If I can feel a million times worse than ever one day, and another day I can feel like on top of the world, it is because Im living in a pre-defined world, and the only thing I can do is learning about it. All the craziness has been here since for ever and is also going to stay. Im just a marionette in the middle of the existing physics, so why should I have an opinion on the existing possibilities?

If someone is beautiful or ugly on the inside is relative because it switches. (Sorry for using the word "relative" in nearly all my posts. )

And I think it doesnt have very much to do with the outher appearance, as I have met a lot of beautiful a**holes in my life. (But since opinions are relative I cant be sure if they would be beautiful to you)...

What I classify as beautiful I know is deviated from the standard opinions of most people. I love all the wonders about us, including - and maybe especially human mistakes and people when they face a difficult situation.

I remember distinctly having someone judge me and I just felt that she thought I was an ugly troll inside.It really hurt.I was merely young,insecure,my opinions were very unformed and sometimes I would say totally mean things without realizing they should not be said out loud.Having had few friends as a teenager,and being teased by many and a younger sibling,I was never confident in myself.People thought of me as a stuck up snob,whereas in reality I was so insecure and very fragile.
Thankfully I've learned to work so much on my inside,and sharing that beauty with others.It improves as you get older.Meditation and yoga really do help.

Personality doesn't matter when it comes to people that are sexually attracted to women, I think that's why so many women don't learn social skills, because they can afford to go without, but they can't really get along with other women because they don't behave in a way that's expected from them. It has nothing to do with inner ugliness or beauty, I've never thought of any woman as being ugly inside, but I have thought that they are not the kind of person I care to be around. But look on the bright side, you can change your behaviour at anytime. I don't think any women are really nasty, not like men who are TRULY ugly inside for the way they judge people based on the shallow outside. Women don't have that, they judge based on other criteria, more important criteria. That's why I've never feared other women's judgement of me and have always found them easy to get along with. I'm surprised most other (good or average looking) women think the opposite.

I dont know what you mean by so many women dont learn social skills? From my experience, many women are quite socially savvy. And they dont put a whole lotta thought into it.

In a way the emphasis on social skills is what brings women to a lot of passive aggressive BS. I began to feel the pressures of not wanting to offend people either. Women will talk all the crap, the good, bad and ugly behind another womens back. But they'll be nice to her face. Women need to be subtle, sweet, nice, etc.

Hanging out with other women, I learned a lot of social skills but I also learned all the nastyness women have with each other. My guy friend laughed at my stories. His first impression of the girls I told him about were that they were nice, sweet, and timid. All the nastyness is kept under wraps.

But in terms of gossip, Ive been guilty of gossip but Im very careful about who Im talking about with who. If its ok amongst the friends to freely spread info, I'll do it. Me and 2 other guys formed a small clique and it eventually became a free for all where we just tell each other whatever about each other. If I have friends in different places, I'll talk about someone to a friend who doesnt know them therefore gossip doesnt spread.

My original intention with this topic was just expressing fustration about social gender norms about females and how other women dislike me.

Well, the truth is that women who are good-looking or at least average to men don't need to learn social skills, because men will befriend them because they are attractive. I've met many a woman like that, they all don't have other women friends and hang with the guys, because they don't need to behave well with them, because the guys are attracted to them and accept them no matter what rude things they do or say. I'm unattractive to men and lesbians, and hence, was forced to learn how to get along with straight women so I wouldn't be all alone.

Yeah, most women have good social skills naturally, it's part of the female intuition that helps them keep group harmony, naturally women are the ones to keep peace and harmony in a group, and hence, they are suspicious of other women who don't act by the rules and hence, may threaten said group harmony. Talking behind someone's back also keeps group harmony, rather than telling bad things to their faces like guys tend to do, like tell me I'm ugly or a dog to my face, because guys are naturally pro-conflict, not conflict-avoidant like women. I wish men were more like women, where they wouldn't be shallow and say and do nasty things, actually. I don't think this world needs more rudeness and emphasis on a woman's personal appearance, as opposed to what's inside and how they act.

well am sorry you had bad exprince with men. however not all men fit this idea which you say of. i've had more bad experices with women around my age then i've had with men around my age. no i am not a rude person. if i was a rude person i feel greatly horrable as i was not raised to be that way. am stright by the way. I do like girly things but am tomboy at the same time. i do have some friends that are girls but i feel with most women my age i just cant relate. i find more women to more backstabbers and start more drama then men. no i did not start it but mostly i try to keep group from breaking up and hating each other. I ind men to be more hounst then women and i like that from growing up in a miltary family. and men just more interresting to talk too. but i know some women that also interesting. there are some men that are jerks and some that are not. maybe its the area that you are in were there are more jerks


beuty should be both in and out.