Should I stay with him?

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I posted a while ago about meeting up with a boy who is not facially pretty to me but also not ugly I would say 6/10, or a bit more on a good day. My collegue suggested we meet up and another mutual friend said I would have to make the first move cos he is shy. So I did and have been playing sport with him a few times and I have realised he has a nice body just thinning hair that makes him not conventionally attractive. I enjoy most of the sports he does and we talk about IT alot cos we both work in it.

In the beginning I didnt know what we were meeting for ie sports partners or possible romantic partners though I thought he would think the latter. So far he has hugged me and the last meet I really noticed that he had turned the touching switch on just nudging my arm or shoulder. If Im not mistaken he wants to kiss me but I feel as if I have absolutely no idea what is happening every touch is a surprise and I wouldnt know how to touch him. I feel out of my depth but dont dislike what is happening if that makes sense.
My problem is that having HFA I dont have any friends and have never had a boyfriend so Im feeling a little confused and quite guilty about what Im doing with this boy. I have longed for a man to hold/hug me since my father died a few years ago and I also wish I had friends to do activities with so I keep worrying he is just filling those gaps

So back to the boy I enjoy his company and he is attentive to my needs and I think he likes me for me. But then again I worry I wouldnt be able to tell if his intentions were bad ie just wants to have sex with me, I assume us both being midtwenties he assumes that is what I would be willing to do but as I said Im guessing from what Ive seen in movies because my body language reading skill are hopeless and nothing more than hugging has happened yet..

I dont know how long to keep seeing him, but I dont want to lose that one friend/sporting companion I now have.
Do I end contact now, or tell him I just want to be friends to save myself from worrying how far he might want to go, or not say anything until I get to a point where I dont feel comfortable with what were doing and then end it. To complicate matters he and a friend have invited me to go with them in 4 months to watch an event and without thinking I let them order a ticket for me which I presume I will have to pay for closer to the time this is adding to the worry that this is leading to disaster.

My problem is in my heart I would like to see where this relationship will lead and maybe I will realise a relationship is not as scary as I thought. On the other hand my head is shouting you're just using him to fill a space , I know you're enjoying playing sports with him but your mind isnt mature enough you dont know what you're getting yourself into you should end it now.
I fear I always use the flight (instead of fight) response and therefore never reach my full potential/be happy.

Sorry for the length and rambling I just had to say it to someone and I feel my family would not know what Im talking about, they keep asking if hes my boyfriend and look confused when I say I dont know. I think an NT in my position would say he was my boyfriend but I seem to be scared of the concept ie what do I have to do when he is are they expecting me to marry him and have kids because Im not sure I want that. I just fancied being spontaneous and now its got tricky. Any advice greatly appreciated.

Last edited by oddness on 05 Jul 2011, 6:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well, probably since you are asking this question of whether you should stay with him, I would say yes. Based on what you have described, and your own lack of body language reading skills, if he had bad intentions, you probably wouldn't be asking this question. Give it time and see how it goes.

Not if you don't like him.

I'd recommend being honest and let him know where he stands (even if it just to say that you are confused and explain why).

Do you know why you feel guilty?
It sounds like you want to stay friends with him and you wouldn't mind affectionate touch (just not sexual at this time) - did I understand right? Honestly in your situation I would have a talk with him and tell him basically that. He probably is looking for it to go further, or maybe he likes being around you and thinks that you expect it to go further.
Are you religious? If you are, that would be a good cover - people understand sexual boundaries in relationships when it comes to religion, but for some reason they don't get it otherwise.
It's hard to guess through text, but I've been talking to my partner a lot about what flirting looks like and what people expect. I think your friend is making a move and looking for a certain reaction, and when he doesn't get that reaction, he will be confused and maybe think you're not interested in him. Your explanation might be a relief to him as well.
The event you have bought a ticket for might actually be a good thing. If he misunderstands and thinks your explanation is a way of telling him you're not interested, then you have an opportunity for further contact to show him you really do want to be friends.
Oh, handy thing I wish I'd known a long time ago: With flirting, guys are looking for a yes or no (non-verbal, body language stuff). With a woman with ASD, they don't get the right non-verbal feedback, so it's very important that you are clear in your words whether what they're doing is okay and be firm if they're not listening to your words. NT people are used to looking at the whole package (body language, voice inflection, and words), so it's important that you're clear in words so they don't get an unintentionally mixed message.
Sorry if you already know this stuff - I just actually began to understand about a month ago, and I'm sharing the information wherever it might be helpful.

It sounds like you are lonely but don't have a lot of relationship experience.

It's ok to date someone and not want to get married right away or at all. It's ok to have a relationship just to have another person in your life to have more personal contact with. In fact, if you were in it for more from the start, it would probably freak most guys out.

It's ok to date someone for emotional support. Not to expect them to support you completely, but to be there for you on a personal level.

Don't get too intense, or angry, or show that you need him in any extreme way, and even if the relationship doesn't work out it would still be possible to be friends afterword.

That said, if you do anything be sure you do it because you actually want to. And not because you think you should or it is expected of you. Decide your boundaries in advance.

If you have NO romantic interest in him whatsoever, then you should probably try to find a tactful way to let him know that. Since he hasn't actually made a move on you at this point, I think it would be possible to do so and still maintain the friendship.
If you are uncertain about your romantic interest in him, then I think you should just let things continue. Eventually, you'll either grow certain you're attracted to him, or you'll grow certain you're not. Often, people in the beginning of a relationship don't know exactly how they feel about each other, and that's okay. Try not to feel pressured to make up your mind; this guy doesn't sound like he's going to suddenly expect you to jump in bed with him, anyway. He may well be as inexperienced in love as you are.

Thanks for all your advice. When I mentioned to my mother that I didnt know that Id want to marry the boy Ive been seeing her reaction was why are you still meeting him then?. I like your replies better. You make me think that perhaps I shouldnt know where this relationship is going at this point and thats perfectly normal.
I am not in love with him but I enjoy spending time with him and he is the first person I have ever met who shares my love of sports and the countryside and who doesnt go to nightclubs and we share many other similarities. This worrys me because I always promised myself that I wouldnt jump at the first guy who was attracted to me whether I liked him or not. I do really like lots of things about him and enjoy his company I just fear that I should feel more than that.
I think I feel guilty because I dont find his face as attractive as some other boys I know. Then again I have tried talking to the pretty looking people I know and what they have got to say about nightclubs and shopping is of no interest to me what so ever. I just dont want to settle for second best because I feel desperate, but I also want to be realistic and fear my list of must haves in a boyfriend are far from realistic. I think he is as close to right as Ive ever met even though he doesnt tick all boxes.
I have needed a friend like him for a long time and so yes I really want to keep him in my life I just dont know where I want it to lead to good friends or a boyfriend. But from what you are saying it is ok to give these things a go and wait and see.

I think one of my problems is I am very easy going and nice to everybody and I feel really guilty if I think I have done the slightest thing wrong. I think that other people use each selfishly all the time and I think it is wrong and I fear I may end up like one of those people. When I agreed to meet him in the first place I thought I had nothing to lose I could treat it as an experience, as Id not had a friend in a long time or boyfriend before so I would just see what happened. Now I have realised there are real feelings his and mine involved and am afraid of the hurt I could cause if I did something wrong.

Ive always found it very easy to give presents, compliments etc but find it very hard to receive them without feeling Im not worthy of them, so I think Im finding it difficult to accept his kindness and not feel like Im taking advantage of him in some way. But your opinions that it is ok to "date someone for emotional support" and "not want to get married straight away" are good to hear.

From some of the things he has said I have realised I am probably not giving out any signals at all so I have tried to say what I do or dont like but then I fear agreeing to go to an event in 4 months time might make him think I plan to be in a relationship with him then.

I hope it might be that he likes me as a person and is seeing how far I want to go in terms of a sexual relationship but when I say stop I just want to be friends he will accept that.

yeah, but you're not 'jumping' here; you're thinking it through. And if it does turn out that the first guy is the one for you, that's great! Lucky you And if not, it's not time wasted; you're having fun.

He sounds nice anyway.