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hartzofspace
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21 Jul 2011, 2:45 pm

Yesterday, my fiance and I went to a beach and then out to dinner. We had a good time and I decided to mention it on FB. I always read about other people's events, and felt glad that I could share something nice. Well, his reaction was puzzling and hurtful. I asked him if he'd seen what I wrote, which was basically a sentence or two. He said yes. But he didn't look particularly pleased, and I asked what was wrong. He just shrugged. Now I felt alarmed. I asked if he would have preferred that I didn't post anything? He said that he was just surprised. I asked why? He said that I always complained about the trivial stuff that people posted on FB, and that he couldn't believe that I had now done just that. Well, now I was furious. I asked if he thought that our perfectly wonderful day was trivia? And I pointed out that when I had complained before, that I had been referring to those who posted pictures of their new shoes, or expressed boredom with the weather, or told all about how they were cleaning out a closet. I said that I always enjoyed when people shared a trip they had taken, or posted pictures of interesting places they had been. and that I felt that mentioning our trip was more in that category, than posting about really boring things.

Well then he said that he could imagine his friends reading that and not caring. So, I told him I didn't care what his friends thought, and said that my family posted on FB too, and would be happy to hear that I had a good time. I also asked if he thought it was trivial that I had called him a wonderful guy?

What happened here? Is this just a guy thing? Even though he apologized, I still feel bewildered and hurt at his reaction. I ended up deleting the post and inactivating my FB account which I have never loved anyway. I would appreciate any insight!

P.S. Males feel free to comment constructively, please!


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AngelKnight
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21 Jul 2011, 4:15 pm

That ... probably would not have been my reaction. Maybe he was not clear about expressing how he felt about Facebook or other social networking sites. For all I can tell given what's here, perhaps he dislikes the idea of stating *anything* over a social networking site. Although I would not have reacted as he did, I suppose I can understand the position that social networking sites are a trivial waste of time [1].

As far as responding "nothing" to a "what's wrong" type of query... This can be a guy thing or a girl thing; it can be very human to have a reaction but refuse to provide a reason. Sometimes it's annoying as hell too of course.

A possibility your fiance may be unwilling to express directly is that he may have felt that mentioning the private dinner on a social networking site like this may have "exposed" [2] him in some fashion, a fashion he doesn't prefer. Does it provide any insight to imagine his reaction to finding out that you had, instead of posting about dinner on FB, had instead spoken about it to a bunch of girl friends?

[1] I don't personally hold this position but I've heard cogent arguments from others who do.

[2] In a weird way, I can understand this vibe too. Sometimes it's a surprise which parts of a guy's life he considers to be private; and therefore what kinds of "sharing" of said parts will be judged as indiscrete.



hartzofspace
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21 Jul 2011, 4:31 pm

AngelKnight wrote:
That ... probably would not have been my reaction. Maybe he was not clear about expressing how he felt about Facebook or other social networking sites. For all I can tell given what's here, perhaps he dislikes the idea of stating *anything* over a social networking site. Although I would not have reacted as he did, I suppose I can understand the position that social networking sites are a trivial waste of time [1].

I had also posted recipes that we made together and he was cool with it, even adding a comment about the meal. He didn't seem to think it an invasion of his privacy. And he spends quite a bit of time on FB himself, more than I do.

AngelKnight wrote:
A possibility your fiance may be unwilling to express directly is that he may have felt that mentioning the private dinner on a social networking site like this may have "exposed" [2] him in some fashion, a fashion he doesn't prefer. Does it provide any insight to imagine his reaction to finding out that you had, instead of posting about dinner on FB, had instead spoken about it to a bunch of girl friends?

Yes, and I don't think he would have minded me mentioning it at all. I always let him know what I plan to discuss with others or what I shared already. He rarely has a problem with it. Here's a little more info. First of all, we are engaged, and recently changed our relationship status on FB to reflect this after informing our respective family members. He even told his ex-boss's wife, and his landlord and the landlord's wife. So, IMO this does not reflect someone who wants to keep everything about us private. But who knows? :?
AngelKnight wrote:
[2] In a weird way, I can understand this vibe too. Sometimes it's a surprise which parts of a guy's life he considers to be private; and therefore what kinds of "sharing" of said parts will be judged as indiscrete.

True. But I still don't understand if he was just in a bad mood for some reason, or if he suddenly had an issue with me posting about our social activities.


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MyriaJean
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21 Jul 2011, 6:12 pm

I can imagine my partner having this reaction. It's not a privacy thing with him - he thinks Facebook is stupid (yet is on Facebook, go figure), and he will mention it if I've done something he thinks is stupid. Basically, for him there's a group labeled "people who do things he personally wouldn't do," and he can get kind of hurtful if I've done something that falls into that category. He's mentioned before that he doesn't deal well with the fact that there are differences between us - basically, that we're not the same person.
Honestly, I think it's a theory of mind issue. My partner is ADD and sometimes they have ToM problems too - your fiance is aspie, right? I mean, he might have entirely different reasons for reacting the way he did, but it truly sounds like a script that plays out here on a weekly basis.
Oh and so it doesn't sound like I'm picking on him - my ToM problems are with big concepts (everyone must be fair in the same way that I am! etc. :lol:), and he doesn't have a problem acknowledging differences there. The little things in a relationship are what trip him up.



OneStepBeyond
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21 Jul 2011, 7:21 pm

is he a very masculine/laddish sort of guy? perhaps he was embarrassed at the thought of his mates reading about his mushy side. i can't really think of any other reasons why he wouldnt like it whilst not objecting to the other things you post :?



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21 Jul 2011, 9:08 pm

It is possible you just caught him on a bad day.
I have found that on days when he has had a stressful time, my aspie guy would get quite mean about things that at other times, he can overlook.


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Ancalagon
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21 Jul 2011, 11:41 pm

I can see how someone who found a really cute pair of shoes might be really proud of it. That doesn't mean that everyone on their friends list (or whatever, I don't do facebook) is going to see it that way.

I think that you should keep in mind that you had to go digging to find out he wasn't too happy. He didn't come right out and say it, probably because he knew you wouldn't like it.

At one point you said you were furious, and I just can't see why.


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hartzofspace
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22 Jul 2011, 11:56 am

Ancalagon wrote:
At one point you said you were furious, and I just can't see why.

I guess I was furious because I felt that he was being an as*hole. Which was rare for him! He has apologized to me, and things are alright again. I am much too sensitive, but that has been all my life. And part of the problem was that we were both exhausted from the long drive and weren't making sense. I am still learning him, just as he is learning me, I guess.


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hartzofspace
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22 Jul 2011, 11:57 am

Graelwyn wrote:
It is possible you just caught him on a bad day.
I have found that on days when he has had a stressful time, my aspie guy would get quite mean about things that at other times, he can overlook.

This is true.


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hartzofspace
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22 Jul 2011, 12:00 pm

MyriaJean wrote:
I can imagine my partner having this reaction. It's not a privacy thing with him - he thinks Facebook is stupid (yet is on Facebook, go figure)

It's the same with me. I think FB is stupid, too. I only started using it because our Aspie support group leader thought it would be a good idea for updates and things for the group. I ended up getting sucked into one of the hugest time wasting mechanisms in the world. I have de-activated my account and am not sure if I will activate it for a while. I have far better things to do anyway. :)


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theslanket
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28 Jul 2011, 3:57 am

hartzofspace wrote:
What happened here? Is this just a guy thing? Even though he apologized, I still feel bewildered and hurt at his reaction. I ended up deleting the post and inactivating my FB account which I have never loved anyway. I would appreciate any insight!

P.S. Males feel free to comment constructively, please!


This is not an aspie thing, this is a normal thing. And it's a stupid* thing.

Likelihood is there's something else behind it. Either he
1. Had a bad day
2. is having a problem with you on this issue
3. is having a problem with you in general

All three of those things require communication, which is ridiculously hard to do in relationships sometimes. There's no need to go overboard and lock him in a room until he tells you what he meant. Unfortunately, all you can do is observe. Luckily, your guy is a dude and what you can't pick up in the heat of them moment, socially, you can review behavior patterns. Watch and see if it comes up again, address it in a nonconfrontational, nonjudgemental way, and try to figure out what he "means..." and then figure out what you want to do.

Looking at people's behavior is an art, not a science, and has too many variables to be pinned down in one go. Be observant and suspend your judgement if you can, take action if you really can't. And don't delete your Facebook quite yet, you still have people to connect with on there. You more or less said the same thing yourself.

*EDIT: You're not stupid (obviously). Neither is he. This issue is mostly trivial in the grand scheme of things, I mean.