Will I ever have a satisfying (love) life?

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SoftKitty
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14 Oct 2012, 6:58 am

Hello there. I am new here, and this is my very first thread in this section (Women´s discussion). I´ve only found out I might have Aspergers about two or three weeks ago, and I will be officially diagnosed sometime in the next autumn (don´t know the exact number, because the line of waiters is THAT long).

However, I have known for my whole life that there is something wrong with me, even if I could not put my name on it. Hence comes my life-long fascination (nearly an obsession) with everything psychology and psychiatry.

OK. So I will start with a little illustration and shortly afterwards, I will proceed to the thing that interests me the most (my love life). My childhood was a pure hell, and I know it was mostly because of my strange thinking and behavior (I am not actually blaming myself for it, just admitting what is true). Nobody I know behaves like that. But the worst times actually came after I tranferred from the elementary to the high school.

For my whole life, I´ve lived in a small town in the eastern Bohemia (I am from the Czech republic). Understand that a normal-sized village in my country has around 500 to 1000 inhabitants, an average town has like from 1000 to 4000 residents, a bigger town has up to 500 000 people and our capitol has like one million (and something) inhabitants. Totally not like the US or any other bigger country. We are in the very center of the Europe, and with 10 millions of people, we are pretty small.

And now imagine me, living all my life in a town that has about 3000 people, moving to Prague (the capitol) with more then one million people. That was a horrible, horrible shock for me. I absolutely was not prepared and USED to it. There were constant changes every day, new people all the time. The first year I was in Prague, I was frightened to death and if I could, I absolutely REFUSED to leave my dorm room (with I shared with 6 other girls; to finish the disaster). The major change, however, came when I was a sophomore, and ever since then, I got better and better in the "usual" life situations. Then I started working and to my parent´s terror, I quickly changed three professions before I got the pre-previous one. I´ve always wanted to woek as a journalist, despite of the nature of my character, so I finally succeeded and got the job of a tabloid reporter. It was life from The devil wears Prada, I had six major meltdowns ther and had to be sent to hospitals many times, but after all that, I have finally learned to cope with life like other people do, got some credit and started to be very succesful. After five years, however, I decided to QUIT because I simply could not pursue such profession anymore. I am not talking about the writing, only about the TABLOIDS now. I did not want to be part of it anymore, it was dirty, it id not help people and it was exhausting, so I quit. But I learned a lot there. Now I behave almost perfectly normal and I am sort of able to work like other people.

The problem is, that there was NEVER a similar breakthrough with my love life. It has not come so far. When I was like 18-22 (don´t know exactly WHEN it happened), I had a sort of relationship withone guy. he was a musician, so I admired him. But after some time, I found out that he is a horrible mysogynist, a homophobe, a racist, a xenophobe AND at the top of that all, he even hated most animals! I never had sex with him because he behaved like a complete as*hole (and people warned me from him), so after some time, I called it quits. He was obviously pissed off because there was never a woman who dare to do it before. It ended with a fight and luckily, we have never seen each other after this incident. But he told me terrible things and this caused me to withdraw from dating men in the whole. For more then a decade, I never was on a single date with a guy. They mostly commented on my beauty, but none of them dared to flirt with me, because I never sent them any "welcome signals". But I desperately wanted some relationship, even if I knew perfectly well that I was not prepared for any sort of relationship. So with every New Year coming closer, I decide to hold onto my decision to date guys. But I never dared to do it. My self-confidence was totally damaged from the last relationship. However, last year I FINALLY said to myself that I NEED to date otherwise I will end up an old maid forever. So I was on like six dates, and I have found out that the dates were not so bad, if only I knew how to do small talk and the things like that. But the men never got me interested. They were almost every time rich and quite handsome but also excessively cocky. Finally, I met one guy that was the right one for me. He looks almost like Dexter Morgan, so when he turned and I saw his face, I must have exclaimed something like: "f**k no!" Because he followed with: "Oh my God, do not tell me that I look like Dexter, you would be the sixth woman today." Haha! But he was in a way similar to me, PLUS he was very handsome and he knew how to make me laugh. I don´t know how I stood the chance with him, because he was definitely interested. But after three or four dates, I got fired from my last job and I had to move down to my parents. Back in the town in the eastern Bohemia. And I had to leave HIM in Prague. I cannot say I was devastated because I was not, but I was definitely very sad. the problem is, that I don´t know if I am capable of a true love. I have never felt it. I only obsess about the guys who do not want me. It always stays like this for about two weeks, and then the obsession goes away. But it is never a true love. And THAT makes me kind of desperate - I don´t know if I ever get to know the feeling. I would LOVE to be in love, but maybe I am innerly still scared to give my heart to another guy (esp. after what happed when I was first in love). The other thing is that I am terribly afraid of sex. Terribly. I am not exaggerating now. I am FRIGHTENED of having something unfamiliar in my body. You know what I mean. And I cannot even IMAGINE of being able to offer somebody oral sex. Everybody I know says it is VITAL for a sex life, and if Idon´t do it, no man will ever want to sleep with me and he will left me because he will think I am a bad lover. But I just CAN´T! Every man is life - you WILL make it, you´re gonna love it, and s**t like that, but I just don´t want to! And I will stand up for my decision. But I am afraid that it will end badly. And I am ashamed of myself that I can´t do what other women apparently and usually do in the bed. And then another thing: if I ever decide to have sex, the man will have to go with me the lond way. From the kissing to the cuddling stage to the final intercourse. But the men nowadays want to have sex after like the third to sixth date, and I am positive that no man would want to wait for my "blossoming" for him - for such a long time. So that all makes me a horrible girlfriend in the eyes of NT men. And because there are no dating sited for Aspies in the Czech republic, I don´t know if I ever meet somebody who is like me. Maybe he would understand and be more patient with me, who knows..? The only problem with blind dates and dating sites is that if yozu dare to write there you have Aspergers, no one will ever want to date you. I know, I have the experience. I´ve also heard from the Czech NT men who visit these dating sites that freaks like me should not be allowed to live - and things like that. And it does not exactly raise your confidence, does it? So I am completely LOST and I am afraid that no man will ever want to date me. Unfortunatelly, I cannot completely change from the core and be a person other people want me to be. I will never be the happy cheerleader type - even if I sometimes wanted it, believe me. What shall I do? Can you offer me some strategies or tips on what could I try? Ever about my character and behavior. Anything. Just do not insult me, please. i have never ever said this to anybody, and if you mock me for my naivete in the love affairs... well, I will NOT commit suicide, I would never do it or evern consider it, but... I don´t know what I would do. It is possible that I would lost the last particle of my hope and respect for the mankind. No, I am not overly dramatic, I MEAN it. Thans for helping me, if you decide to.


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helles
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14 Oct 2012, 8:07 am

Could not make myself read your post due to that really unpleasent avatar.


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SoftKitty
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14 Oct 2012, 9:07 am

helles wrote:
Could not make myself read your post due to that really unpleasent avatar.


Sorry, I thought quite the oposite - that the avatar is funnny as hell. But I changed it for your sake, so you could read my post. And the others are well. If you are, of course, interested.


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helles
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14 Oct 2012, 9:11 am

I really do not like vomit, the most disgusting body fluid that I know. Sorry


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helles
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14 Oct 2012, 10:40 am

Thank you for removing the avatar, I really do not like vomit.

One advice, try to break up your text, makes it more readable.

I have been in Prague a couple of times, it is a beautiful place. One of those big eastern Europe cities (compared to Copenhagen which is build to a much smaller scale).

Try and read a few threads around here about love and dating. Admittedly most of them are from (desperate(!)) aspie men, but there are others. You state your conserns about feeling love eg. this one http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt168069.html. We are all different, on this site people are not typical, also not in the love life department. I am not able to have the "fall in love" or crush feeling but have a strong feeling of love for the few people that I feel deserve it. I guess you do feel love towards parents, siblings or other family members?

As for the dating, I have no advice. I have never been on a date (been married for 18 years). My husband left several months ago after some rather abusive years (psylogical abuse). I am now considering if I, one time in the future, would like to date. I am not sure. I see no reason to jump into bed with a total stranger I have met two or three times! I guess that I am too different for that game :)

You can find some nice guys on this page :lol:


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SoftKitty
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14 Oct 2012, 10:51 am

Thank you.


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SoftKitty
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02 Dec 2012, 7:00 pm

Anyone here to help me?


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Fnord
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02 Dec 2012, 7:55 pm

SoftKitty wrote:
Anyone here to help me?

[opinion=advisory]

First, ignore Helles and people like him -- you'll find no love there. This also means staying away from "Dating Sites", and "Blind Dates" set up by anyone other than a most trusted friend or relative.

Second, to be loved, be loveable. This means being kind, generous, affectionate, nurturing, encouraging ... all the positive things. Volunteer to help elderly people, handicapped people, children, or stray animals (in animal shelters). You will find many like-minded people doing the same things, and some of them will be men.

Third, remain on guard. Just because a man responds to you, it does not mean that he is worth your love. Observe how he acts toward elderly people, handicapped people, children, and pets, and watch how he treats his mother -- this is how he is likely to treat you. Not all men are monsters, and some of us can be very nice; just watch out for "Alpha Males" since they tend to take charge of everything around them, including other people's lives.

Fourth, do not commit to one man until you have dated at least a dozen men -- and I mean dated, not "slept with". Once men lose respect for you, your chances at love will diminish radically. Use some form of birth control that you are comfortable with and can use discretely, just in case.

Finally, a loving relationship requires constant care -- once you are in one, never take your man for granted; never belittle or ridicule him; never compare him unfavorably to other men; and never treat him as anything less than the most important person in your life.

[/opinion]

Will you ever have a satisfying love life? No one can predict this. Your fear of physical intimacy poses quite an obstacle, but with a caring and gentle partner, a relationship that includes physical intimacy in a distinct possibility.


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helles
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02 Dec 2012, 8:21 pm

Hmmm... Fnord
First: I have read several of your replies to other posts and find most of them quite informative and right, but not this one.

First of all, I am female!
Second I referred to another thread about falling in love/and-or/crush as the topic of the original post.

I shared some feeling of "I am not able to have the "fall in love" or crush feeling but have a strong feeling of love for the few people that I feel deserve it." Which is just a my state of life. I sincerely stated that it is certanitely not the same as being unable to feel love, which I do (probably more strongly than most NT).

After I posted this I found the term Demisexual (http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.ph ... Demisexual) which describes me quite well." A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. "

Further I stated that I have no advice for dating, as I have never done that "As for the dating, I have no advice. I have never been on a date (been married for 18 years). I still do not know if I will go dating, but I do not see any reason why other people should not do that.

Further, on a lighter note "You can find some nice guys on this page " Which I find to be very much the case, the problem being that people here on WP are from around the globe.

I am sorry if I do not elaborate further, but english is only my third language, so I will not make eloquent posts in perfect english.
:santa:


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Fnord
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02 Dec 2012, 8:36 pm

helles wrote:
...

:roll:


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03 Dec 2012, 10:59 am

Fnord has some good general advice there. As for falling in love, that's something gradual that happens over a length of time with the right person. Infatuation and love seem to be confused way too often. Try not to shut people out, but don't let anyone pressure you to move faster than you are comfortable doing. Don't leap into a situation out of a fear of being an "old maid", or being left out in the cold.
It sounds like you're doing great entering the dating field. Just don't pressure yourself into moving faster than you're ready to. You'll get there. :)



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03 Dec 2012, 4:32 pm

SoftKitty wrote:
However, I have known for my whole life that there is something wrong with me,

Something different*
Not necessarily something wrong.



SoftKitty
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04 Dec 2012, 6:04 am

JellyCat wrote:
SoftKitty wrote:
However, I have known for my whole life that there is something wrong with me,

Something different*
Not necessarily something wrong.


I know, you are right. However, ever since my childhood, my parents and acquaintances kept on telling me that there is something WRONG with me, so it was only natural that I started believing in that thought. My dad, when he was once angry, even told me that I am like a useless animal and that I should have been killed after childbirth. I know he loves me, he said that in affect. But still... could you easily swallow and forget something like that?


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