Newly pregnant aspie - advice wanted!

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I am a six week pregnant Aspie and I want your advice!

Okay, I'm six weeks pregnant & need some advice from other aspies who've been through this. Here's my main concerns:

- can an aspie be a good mum? My father is incredibly Aspie & really was pretty terrible at parenting me & my sisters...so I'm worried how I'll do.

- does loving your baby come automatically? What do you do if you just don't feel a connection with them?

- how do you integrate your aspie traits (in my case, need for solitude, sensitivity to noise, + a few other quirks) with the demands of a new baby?

- lastly...morning sickness is killing me, how do you get rid of it? Ive had it for two weeks & it's a b***h. Dry crackers, ginger, lemon juice, none of them have helped.

The morning sickness: mine just sucked and I had to wait it out. I tried everything too. ONE thing helped: accupressure on the wrist (between the two tendons). Look it up. They sell expensive bands that can do it, but I just used my finger, pressed for awhile, and voila the waves of nausea would pass.

As far as Aspies being good parents, my husband is a mild Aspie. He makes a great father. A little over-sensitive at times, and issues communicating with our Aspie son (two Aspies misunderstanding each other--disastrous). But our house is quiet, calm, he cooks and cleans and spends LOTS of time with the kids. And he is learning to be more patient with them when he gets irritated. He absolutely sucks at being a husband more often than being a dad, and he knows that and is working on it, but I'd say . . . don't worry. The love for your child grows (it may not be instant, and that's ok). And Aspies CAN make great parents. All parents mess up. I've screwed up really good a number of times, which I fear have scarred my kids for life, but I adore them . . . and it is a growing process.

Hey there, I found out less than a week ago that my husband and I are both most likely Aspies. I think that I can answer some of these questions, even though I don't yet have a true understanding of my "issues" related to AS. My son is turning a year old next week, so I struggled through the first year with a lot of confusing feelings and no explanation for them, but I did start stumbling upon some solutions.

I'm still wondering myself if an Aspie can make a good mom, so I'm right there with you on that one. It's a real struggle for me just stumbling upon this realization. Before I even learned about AS I decided that I will take parenting classes, so I'm betting that we can learn to be good moms just by applying the proper parenting techniques as best as we can. My parents were abusive, so I really don't have a leg to stand on with knowing how to be a good parent. As far as love..sometimes I felt like I loved my baby so much that it almost physically hurt, and than at other times it felt like I didn't love him. This was especially confusing to me not knowing about AS at the time. Over time though, I did learn that the less I tried to multi-task (like doing housework while taking care of him) the more frequently I felt love for him. I also learned that if I tried to focus on doing things that I observed make him happy, and watching the result (him becoming happy), I felt overwhelming amounts of love for him more frequently. I think that for me the connection is there all the time, but I just have to make myself tap into it, on purpose. I'm suspecting that if I try to learn how to compartmentalize my time with him, and pour myself into him during "baby time" and nothing else, that might be the solution that works for me. I also suspect that my son is probably going to be an Aspie, because he hates being held and touched and tends to just do his own thing. This didn't help with "bonding" at all, but even before I knew about AS I suspected that he might be "different" and learned to not take it personally. I'll be perfectly honest, the crying drives me out of my mind. This was actually one of the things that made me realize that there was something seriously "different" about me...was his crying. He also likes to watch little kid shows all the time, and they drive me crazy being on in the background. A couple of times I've tried using ear plugs to muffle it a little, and that helped a lot. I need to make a habit of that. I also learned that when it becomes overbearing, if I put him in a safe place and step outside the front door for a few minutes, that helps tremendously. My son actually had colic for a little while (due to a milk protein allergy) and when he would cry for hours, I would have to constantly step outside. I've also learned to do things that keep him content and minimize the crying, like going for car rides. As far as the morning sickness goes, I got "preggie pops" and they helped a little, and I used to sip ice cold water or when it was cold outside I'd go outside. I think that mints are supposed to help some people too. Showers made my morning sickness worse, so I skipped them pretty frequently, or made sure the water wasn't too hot.

Not sure if any of that helps or not! I'm still just barely starting to understand AS and how it applies to parenting. These are just some things I learned without even having any idea about AS, that seemed to help.

Oh...one last thing, I've noticed that if I can take time away from the house for myself, just doing something other than being with the baby, I'm always SO much better off. Even if I just sit in a parking lot and read for an hour at the end of the day, the next day is so much easier on me.

I think an aspie can be a good mom. I hope I am. One problem I have to watch for is a tendency to get too absorbed in what I'm doing and therefore not monitor my kids closely enough or let the schedule get out of whack. I have to attempt to be overly organized and write everything down because otherwise I become completely disorganized. I also had to learn to see a meltdown coming and head it off so my kids don't have to be exposed to it.
I loved my babies "automatically" and very intensely, but I know for some moms (NT or not) it doesn't right away and that doesn't mean that they won't bond eventually. I do remember that one of my midwives was questioning me shortly after the birth how I felt about the baby, whether I loved her, etc. - I guess checking for PPD - and, though I did feel a bond I couldn't articulate it and couldn't answer. I don't like being questioned about strong emotions and can rarely express them under pressure so that was pretty stressful.
The way I cared for my kids when they were babies was something I decided to do for their benefit but it ended up also being the easiest thing for me: breastfeeding on demand, carrying them around in a sling, and having them sleep in my bed until toddlerhood. Babies have pretty simple needs but they do also go through periods when they'll cry for no apparent reason or wake more often at night (usually growth spurts) and I don't think anyone can easily tolerate the sound of a baby's cry - it evolved to get adults to take action, after all. If anything, though, I think I had a better knack than most for figuring out the right way to rock or soothe a cranky baby (maybe because I still "rock" myself?)
Can't say anything about morning sickness because I didn't have it, just heartburn.

I am an aspie Mum, though I didn't know it until last year (my Son was 6 by then).

There are pros and cons to it, and depends on your personality and your child's.

I give myself a real hard time about how bad a Mum I think I am, but this is what keeps me going - my Son loves me and thinks I am the best Mum in the World, and that is the most important thing!!

I love my Son to bits He has been diagnosed with primarily inattentive ADHD, but one psych wonders about AS, like me. He doesn't seem too bad at this stage to me, though he may have a few traits.

Good bits:
- he is the only person who I love to initiate hugs and cuddles with and I am always ruffling his hair!
- I have always talked to him and explained everything to him (in age appropriate ways) so that he will never be in the dark about what I mean. I think this helps with him being a well behaved boy as he understands WHY things are bad. I help him with ToM stuff too, from everything I have learnt (through observation, experience, and many, many books!)
- I can be silly with him at times. He has a HUGE imagination, so he loves it when we talk about/laugh about/sing about silly things together.
- I am understanding of any issues he may have with other people or with school stuff
- I understand when he has troubles with most anything actually, and will always try to help him find a solution that works for him rather than just make him feel bad for it
- When I was pregnant, it became one of my special interests (before that even) and hence I learnt HEAPS of stuff about it and tried to do absolutely everything right, same as when he was a baby
- When I noticed major executive function issues (and so did his teachers), I looked into it, hence the ADHD diagnosis. Being aware of this kind of thing, helped me with that, and due to this he has become a MUCH faster eater now, which has helped with many things.
- I can be hugely compassionate, and although I am also strict and consistent with boundaries and routines (a good thing in my opinion), he also knows how much I care about him, which is also very important.

Bad bits:
- I have had way more tantrums around him than he around me!!
- I need a lot of alone time. It is hard to explain to him to "please leave Mummy alone for a bit or I am going to start getting snappy" even though I say over and over "it is nothing to do with you, I love you, I just need some space" whilst on the verge of a meltdown! (my house is tiny)
- I find it really hard to do the things he wants to do that I don't want to do, especially if I am happily engaged in a special interest and especially if they are fine motor skill stuff like lego or arts and craft
- when he was a baby, I used to get really frazzled with aaaaall the stuff you had to remember to cart around - all the executive function stuff. Like the nappy (diaper) bag, food to bring, extra clothes, etc, etc, there was sooo much to think about!
- I tried one of those Mother's Groups and definitely felt like an outsider there, I hated it. They were nice, but it was obvious I didn't fit.
- I am very critical and have a fear of making mistakes. So, when HE makes mistakes, I tend to make it a real big deal, I hate it! I always apologise and tell him that "Mum has had a big day and that that wasn't called for" and then we discuss what he had done wrong (note: I don't get violent or verbally abusive at him AT ALL, I just get real panicky about what has happened and have a mini meltdown - like spilling his drink, etc. I was raised in a highly critical fashion also, so this enhances this for me, as mistakes weren't tolerated with us either).
- I have hardly any energy for him as I get so easily exhausted from Life - house chores, shopping, organising, work, studying, exercising, being a good partner, etc
- I am shocking at keeping my bedroom tidy and always have been. As a consequence, my Son is also bad at this, and I cannot for the Life of me work out how to fix it!
- I don't talk to any other mother's IRL at his school nor do any networking like that
- I can't always read him, so I have to ask him lots of questions (which he hates) and sometimes I get confused between the idea of "is he lying to me here as kids do, or am I just not reading him right?"
- It is hard with the noise that he can make, and I just say to him, if you want to be noisy, go in your room, or you can play quietly out here. I can't recall what it was like when he was a baby. The crying was hard, but you just do what you can to get through lol The first 1-2 years are full on! Do you have the Father in your life still? If so, having him to be able to help is a REAL help!! !

There are many struggles, but on the whole, we have a really great relationship. He is very strong emotionally, and I guess he learns how to look after someone through me being his Mum, too! lol

After he was born and I knew he was ok, I was just glad the labour was over! Took me a little while to warm up to the love feeling with him, and I spent a lot of time just staring at him while he was sleeping and observing him. It certainly did come though, bit by bit

All the best, you will be fine I am sure all parents have their struggles, and some of the things NT Mums struggle with, are things that we find easy, and vice versa. I always have found forums really helpful to get advice/understanding, so you're off to a good start there Oh, and congrats on your pregnancy, enjoy it

Well I suspect I'm an aspie but I'm undxed. I suspect my husband may be too. My oldest daughter is undergoing an evaluation for AS.

When I was pregnant (I have 2 daughters) I loved them from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I love them unconditionally. I worried about them all the time. I had really never experienced such strong feelings before (I'll be honest I love my kids above all else, I love my husband but it is quite different from the kids). After I had my first I about had a nervous break down because I did nothing but think about her and worry about her, I'm fairly certain it was like having a special interest or obsession but also having that first mom worry wart thing going on. Anyway I ended up on anti anxiety meds.

As far as the noise goes I was OK with the newborn noise. The sound of MY OWN child did not bother me in the least other than in the way that it should bother a mother however the sound of other babies does bother me in that aspie way. Now that they are older I do get overwhelmed by the noise. I think for me it's because when they are a baby I can rationalize that that is how they communicate and if
I simply attend to their need, they should stop otherwise perhaps they have gas or are in pain and that's ok too. The problem comes with the crocodile tears, the whining, the non sensical stuff that I really don't get and can't stand listening to. That overwhelms me quickly and easily. I take mommy breaks. I literally put myself in a mommy time out if I get over whelmed. Sometimes I yell, but I try not to. Mostly I try to get away for a few minutes. My kids probably watch a little more tv than they should as a result but if it comes down to extra tv or meltdown, I go with tv.

Congratulations. I'm a mum of two, ages 7 and 11. I don't know if it's the AS, but I found pregnancy really hard. I seemed to get every illness going, really bad morning sickness (but without producing sick, just dry heaving and chronic nausea). I never found anything to help mine and I had it until at least 6 months gone.

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about the noise of a crying baby. I now wear earplugs to soften noises but when they are a baby you want to be alert to their cries. I have been very protective and anxious to do the right thing with my children, don't feel that having AS means you can't parent well. You do love your baby automatically, well I did, but maybe it takes more time with others. I don't know if it's actual instant love, but I felt this overwhelming need to protect which I guess is nature's instinct. The first time your baby smiles at you, your heart will melt. There will be different issues to consider if your baby also has AS. My eldest was the type of baby who suffered with colic, cried for hours on end, was terrified of everything, waking 5 times every night for feeding, always wanted holding, really clingy etc., not wanting to scare you but it's best to be prepared for all eventualities otherwise it could be more of a shock. I hope you have a really contented easy baby. I don't think you can plan for everything, you just need to play it by ear as all babies and all mums are different.

I can't give you any advice , but is it alright for me to say congrats and good luck?