Nobody believes I have Aspergers?

Post Reply New Topic

When I met my husband, I had never heard of Aspergers but knew I was weird in some way. He told me it was just an excuse for whatever I didn't feel like doing. He saw me stab myself in the head with a pen when my mother was dying, he saw the bruise I inflicted on myself hitting my head on a metal streetlight after a car accident in which the other driver came and yelled in my face even though he was at fault, he's seen me disappear at family functions and found me hiding in the bathroom closet in the dark. He's seen that I don't have any friends and that I hate talking on the phone. He's seen how confused I get trying to do things like follow recipes.

I saw a psychiatrist and he said I had mild ADD and depression and was possibly bipolar.

Interesting how some people find that a diagnosis is an excuse? The best thing a diagnosis can do for you, is that you can begin to work with your self and find explanations for your behavioural patterns. Then you can find ways to work around some of these things, but not until you accept your diagnosis and look forward ---- sorry just being upset because I have been told the same by, now ex husband

By diagnosis I do not nessessarily mean an official diagnosis but just an acceptance of being different and that Aspergers might be part of that. As long as you can use this forum and the advice found here you can start working on your issues. I know this is much,much easier with some acceptance from others. In that way an official diagnosis might help.

I am in my early 50s. Spectrum disorders were unknown back then. Instead we were diagnosed with emotional/behavior problems and/or discipline problems. I found out about Asperger's a few years ago and immediately saw myself in the article. Over the years I found out more, and eventually took an online test which confirmed what I already believed--that I have Asperger's Syndrome.

Yes, I have been told I wasn't trying, or I was considered to be misbehaving, or fighting doing what ever they wanted me to do, or was lazy, or how can you be so stupid, etc. Is it any wonder I ended up choosing to be a hermit?

I can't help that my brain isn't wired entirely right, but I do have coping methods. However, the only way for me to cope with NTs is to minimize contact.

While my coping methods provide some help for me, besides your disorder, you seem to have a problem with your husband. It sounds to me like he is either belittling you or is fed up with your problems. Get some printed info on your problems and have him read it. If he refuses, or does read it, and then still hassles you about your problems, then you need to do some serious thinking about your marriage.

No-one believes me either. Then after a while, I say something, and they either get offended and stop being friends with me, or realise that I was telling the truth

I've gotten that response from a number of people as well. I was recently diagnosed, and people who have known me for a long time either tell me that they just don't see me as having autism, or they tell me I can't start using this diagnosis as an excuse. I've been trying to be really open about telling people about my diagnosis, because I feel like it may help other people in the future who have AS and don't present with the typical symptoms that people are used to seeing.

I too think that getting a formal diagnosis would be helpful if you can. Preferably from a specialist in diagnosing Asperger's in adults and in women. (It present differently in women in some ways and can be mistaken for other things, like bipolar disorder – although that can be a comorbid condition too).

If you do get a formal assessment that turns out positive, you'll still have to handle passing on the results to your husband carefully. If he feels he's being lectured or that you did it to prove him wrong, he'll likely react badly. I think the best thing would be to involve him in the process of being assessed as much as you can. Try to communicate in a calm moment that you're doing it for positive reasons, not looking for excuses: that you're hoping it will explain a lot for you and help you identify things that you might be able to work on, and that you'd love to have his support. (After all, if he comes round to it, he may well be able to help you identify things that are relevant for the assessment.) Tell him when you receive the appointments, tell him you're feeling a bit nervous when you're just about to set off for one, tell him how it went afterwards, tell him you're relieved when it's over. Then, when you do receive the diagnosis, you're not just shoving it in his face and saying 'See, I was right and you were wrong'!

I do feel for you, it's a very difficult situation. I have it with my sister, but of course that's not as hard as when it's your husband who's trivialising it or thinking that you're just looking for excuses. You can only keep working on it and trying to find ways of bringing him round to seeing how important this is for you – but without complaining or doing the 'attention-seeking' thing. When someone's sceptical already, that never works!

The initial reaction is usually something along these lines; "These symptoms you are describing are something everyone can relate to" / "Aren't we all like that? I think I have Asperger's aswell" / "No, you don't. You are just...weird"

On the other hand, I visited the hospital the other day to test for something, and the woman two sucked my poor arm dry of blood started talking about a book she was reading written by an author with autism. She saw me coming in with a book, so I get why she started a conversation in that direction, but spesificly about autism..? I found that..suspicious. Perhaps she saw something in me that others don't notice that often. After all, she was interested in autism if she read a book by an autistic author about autism.

So, as others mentioned, some might see it, but others(possibly most) lack the knowledge to realize it's autism.

Unfortunately, a lot of people mistake someone having a diagnosis as an excuse for how people behave. There seems to be a trend among some people to say, "I have Aspergers," as an excuse for just being a slacker/lazy. This does a disservice to those of us who really do have Aspergers.

A diagnosis should be more of an explanation as to why people behave in certain ways. Certainly someone who really has Aspergers is not using it as an excuse to behave, or misbehave, in any manner. There often seems to be a mistaken belief that Aspergers is something you consciously do, when the opposite is true: the behaviors are hard wired in your brain, and often we are not even conscious of doing them, or the fact that they are unique to us.

One approach is to say to someone, "I have Aspergers, and I have these behaviors that I do. Can we talk about it so we can both understand how I react/think/behave, and can you help me find ways to deal with this?" Granted, not everyone will want to work with you, but a spouse will hopefully care enough to invest some time & energy into this. After my diagnosis my spouse saw me in a different light and realized that what they interpreted as negative behaviors by me, were in fact, just behaviors I did not consciously do. So we've been able to adjust the perspective from me being lazy/anti-social/difficult/etc. to me just being me. We've also been able to understand many things that trigger certain behaviors and change them, as well as realize there are some times I'm just going to be an Aspie no matter what.

Unfortunately, there often seems to be a battle between people in a marriage/close relationship, where one person has Aspergers, over Aspergers. If both people can get past that, and work towards more understanding, progress can usually be made…

I'm self-diagnosed as having Aspergers. This came after a few years of research, quiet contemplation, creating detailed lists of traits and behaviors of mine, graduate classes for a special education degree, and lots and lots of denial and doubt. It's easy to say we have Aspergers and a lot of good can come from that, since we're all hungry to belong somewhere and to make sense of our lives. But I don't want to do a disservice to anyone, including myself, by stepping in and agreeing that someone else has Aspergers, too. I will listen and probe and encourage, but Aspergers is a medical diagnosis, not a lifestyle or cultural phenomenon.

That said, even if I could afford a formal diagnosis, I am very, very skeptical of what appears to be extremely limited research and understanding of how Aspergers displays in women, particularly as they age. Also, I am certain there are groupings of symptoms that may appear to fall under one diagnosis, but in fact could be a combination of possibilities.

Just some food for thought. The self-harming you describe concerns me, and because of this I encourage you to explore more in depth a formal diagnosis. Research your options before selecting a doctor. As already mentioned, it's important to find someone who feels very grounded in diagnosing women and appreciates the wide variance in how Aspergers can display itself due to cultural coaching and our ability to mask, blend and emote in ways that differ from men.

Carla

LOVES MOOSE on TWITTER
LOVES MOOSE on FACEBOOK

Maybe you don't have Asperger's.
Stabbing yourself is not a clear sign of aspergers.
You've been to a psychiatrist, and he gave a different diagnosis. I'd try to work from that. Depression is very serious... don't take self diagnosis over a professional opinion.

If you don't agree, seek a different professional. Social phobia, schizoid personality disorder... there are so many possibilities...

Hope you get better.

I agree with Mike. But please know that you're always welcome in this forum. Many of us are self-diagnosed, but as Mike said, depression is serious, as is self-harming. It was very brave of you to share that with us, and I really admire your openness and desire to learn and figure things out. Keep sharing openly like that. There are tons of people reading these discussions. Your voice and what you share here as you learn more can help others who have some of the same issues.

Carla

LOVES MOOSE on TWITTER
LOVES MOOSE on FACEBOOK

^^I agree with this. if he doesn't want to accept you for all you are sounds like someone that's not worth your time or your love. having Aspergers isn't a means of excuses as much as others may think it is, no matter how long they may have known you, it just means they don't know anything at all about how AS presents itself in Females. there is a GREAT book i just started reading that you might want to check out. it has tips on all parts of a female with AS. it's Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome by Rudy Simone.
Amazon.com: Aspergirls there is also another book i have seen that is written to help relationships, Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner by Cindy Ariel PhD Amazon.com: Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome there is also another one i just found for you. 22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know by Rudy Simone again. Amazon.com: 22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know (just in case you don't see them, the repeated parts are links to the books on Amazon.com. I really hope that he will become accepting of your condition (perhaps with the help of some of these books) some of these books you may be able to find at the local library


EDIT: SELF HARMING and depression are VERY serious problems. I too have a problem with depression but not to the point of harming myself. though that thought has passed through my head from time to time, i know i could never do it.

Is it just me, or is there more people out there who dont really trust when people recommend books with a "ref" in the link? I always assume they just recommend to make profit. Thats why I never link to any books I recommend, I let people find it in any store they want, to avoid them thinking what I always think.

Sorry, a bit off-topic there.

Blown, I know where you're coming from, but at the same time I think it's perfectly honorable trying to do what we can to earn an income. Butterfly wouldn't recommend something that she doesn't really feel good about sharing with others. When my blog launches soon, though, I'm going to be sure to disclose this about any of my links that involve affiliate marketing. So thanks for posting your comment. Much appreciated!

Carla

LOVES MOOSE on TWITTER
LOVES MOOSE on FACEBOOK

Thank you LovesMoose but i think he was complaining i included a link to the book where it could be bought. BUT like i said in my last post you can also probably find them at the library like i did.

Blownmind, I included the link because this is the cheapest price I have found for this book. i have searched all over the internet and local stores and was trying to be helpful. with all the good reviews (and with how far i have already gotten in the book myself) i have found it a very helpful book already and was just trying to help Mindsigh with her situation.

I didn't mean it as a personal attack. I'm sorry. This is just how I feel, it's not sure thats how everyone feels about it. I just feel when recommending books on forums like this, it loses credibility somewhat when there is a link with "ref" (referral) that indicated the person who recommended it will make profit if you buy the book from that link.

It's probably just me, one of my latest obsessions were splogs(spam blogs) and splog detection so my relationship with links is abit abnormal now, I would think.