Autistic Girl Desperately Seeking Advice! Help!

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I am a nineteen year-old autistic woman who has recently quit her first and only job due to harassment of a sexual nature. Inappropriate touching, failure to take no for an answer when I turn them down, a nearly physical cockfight over me (No pun intended, I swear) and last but not least vandalism at the workplace that is likely the work of a disgruntled would-be suiter. And the worst thing is I am a virgin who has literally never been kissed and wants to remain that way until Mr Right finally gets here .
I have younger brothers and since I was homeschooled my entire life, they are practically the only males I have really had much contact with. As a result, I treat almost all young men like brothers, which in turn makes them comfortable with me. I also am cursed with double d's and a shy nature that seems to make people think I have a lack of intelligence.
And my family has premotted secrecy with regards to our personal lives, so even though my brain tells me to run screaming for the boss, my instincts scream secrecy.
All in all, I am woefully inexperienced in every way. Some of it is my logical thinking (Autism rears its intellectual head) and I simply do not understand the reason why men do not understand that I mean it when I say no, and also why they won't go after those who are experienced and enjoy the attention. I have been told numerous times that they find my virginity attractive, but I think that is stupid. Why would a man want a virgin who knows absolutley nothing about the game when he could have girl who's accomplished? So, as you all can probably see, I am very confused and need some female advice that does not come mushy, romance novel reading NT's.

Don't tell people you are a virgin. The only person (people) who need to know are the person (people) you will be engaging in sexual intercourse for the first time. Then you should let them know before the clothes come off (or don't come off) so they will be prepared to go a lot slower than with a sexually active woman. It is OK to be a virgin. I was a virgin until I was 27. Everyone doesn't need to know about it because some nasty people will use it against you.

Men are not your brothers, so don't treat them like your brothers unless they really are your brothers. Same goes for women not being your sisters. A decent man will understand "no", and will not pursue any longer. If you plainly state: "I only think of you as a friend. I will never be your girlfriend." (or something more socially acceptable but with the NO very clear), then any future attempts at romance from them is really harassment. The people who still pursue you are not thinking of you or of romance. They are only thinking of the enjoyment that you can provide them.

Start keeping a record of the incidents at work. If other people have witnessed the incidents, then perhaps they will corroborate your story. Bring this to both your supervisor, then to your human resource department. Also consider your options of finding new employment.

Remember, you did not do anything for these guys to treat you this way. They are the ones who need to adjust their behavior. Good Luck.

I found this thread on the front page.

If you left your job on decent terms, you may want to go back and talk to your supervisor or your former company's human resources department (but explain you are not after money) and explain the problem. They will likely want to know about it and you might even be able to get your job back with more professional acting co-workers. Regardless of appearance or how nice you are to co-workers, that does not change the standards just about every business in the country holds it's employees to.

In the future, it would be advisable not to discuss your personal life with anyone at a workplace except for the purpose of getting reasonable accommodation. Very few workplaces are a good place to open up at, and workplace relationships are usually a horrible idea, assuming the company permits them at all. Bringing up anything to do with sex gets you right into the dirty laundry of workplace politics. The reason guys would want to sleep with you if you are a virgin is for the conquest of it: they want to be the first to talk you into bed, and some may consider it a loss of innocence and a turn-on. It's best not to bring that up with guys unless you are in a relationship with them, and even then, it's usually only of noteworthy significance to guys that are looking for the right woman to marry.

I am glad you quit and nothing worse happened.

I agree, don't let people know you are a virgin unless you are seriously dating them.

I would try and downplay your breasts somewhat with clothing choices. I am sure you will still get too much attention, but downplaying can help a little.

Maybe despite being shy, you could have a few statements or topics you bring up, to show your intelligence more. Or carry some book that you've read that makes you look intelligent.

I think you should analyze some of your behaviors around boys, to eliminate some which might be considered flirting. And maybe purposely learn to do certain signals to show you are not interested in a boy romantically/sexually.

Be careful.

I have Aspergers, among other issues and understand why it would be difficult for you to run screaming to your boss and file sexual harassment charges against these co-workers. It's difficult enough for you to have found a job and to have this happen while working on your first job? I can imagine how this series of nasty events was overwhelming enough, without trying to face going through the fear of bringing justice to bear upon these idiots. Besides, you might also fear that filing sexual harassment charges on your first job could carry a stigma and create obstacles when you look for your second job. No reasonable company, presented with the evidence of how these guys behaved, would hesitate in hiring you. Under the circumstances, if the company you worked for had a grain of sense, someone (usually an HR person, VP or CEO) would understand that they'd be in violation of the ADA by allowing you to have quit under duress (which you were suffering when these co-workers behaved so badly). Typically, an employee who resigns or quits is given an Exit Interview, where you can explain to a Manager or HR specialist the precise reasons you've decided to leave your job. You were victimized and you have been bullied. The best way to prevent this from ever happening again is to face the bullies in a formal meeting and refuse to be a victim!

You do have legal rights.In fact, you are given more protections than the allegedly "normal" person. If you have a Center for Independent Living nearby, I suggest that you speak to someone who is a counselor or even the Director of the center, who can advise you on how to proceed and can likely put you in touch with a lawyer, should the company prove to be less than ethical in their interpretation of this incident. At the very least, call and speak with someone at one of these Centers. Very often, someone from the Center will accompany you to any meeting(s) with your former employer. I agree with John_Browning: if you left the company on good terms, you deserve the right to a fair hearing. When working for a company, he is correct: you should not discuss details of your personal life with anyone. I've worked for companies where I believed my Manager was someone I could confide in, only to learn that everyone I worked with knew all of the details within a matter of hours. I've also had Managers who were excellent and never spoke a word about what I'd told them. If you feel you absolutely cannot work for this company again, I hope you persist and don't let this outrageous incident stop you. You are young and obviously have courage. Please don't allow this one setback to make you afraid to try again and again. But DO try to get a fair hearing and learn from this experience!

I also agree with Dreamy that it's best not to tell anyone you're a virgin, unless you find someone who truly loves you and whom you love in return. This can be a trusted friend, a trusted friend with whom you eventually find romance, a therapist...just as long as this is someone you really know and accept in a realistic way. By "realistic", I mean someone you know who has traits you admire and traits you don't especially like and traits that are somewhere in between, rather than someone you think of as "heroic" or perfect -- heroes have their dark side and no human is perfect. For many guys the notion of having a virgin is like a badge of honor, something that gives them "bragging rights". I advise against romantic involvement with a co-worker unless they are also "on the spectrum" or fully understand what it means to make a commitment with and to someone who has any form of autism. We're not easy to understand for the so-called "normal" people, any more than it's easy for us to understand how their minds work (or don't work, depending on the circumstances). You might want to get counseling specifically about this incident and about "how men behave and misbehave" in general.

Unfortunately, it has been my experience that we are too often misunderstood by the NeuroTypical people, who often mistake innocent friendship for something more or something different than what it is. These people often behave like predators who sense vulnerability but lack morality. What is life-changing for you often means nothing to them. Only by making them face the fact that they've done something terrible to someone who is innocent will they learn that such behavior is absolutely unacceptable and, for that matter, illegal.

As for your breasts, you are a woman. No matter the size of your breasts, you deserve to be treated with respect. While you may not want to flaunt your double-Ds in the presence of males you neither know nor trust, it seems a bit much for you to go to great effort hide or "downplay" the fact that you are well-endowed. What sense does it make for you to dress like a nun, unless you're a member of some religious order? You are 19 years old and your body belongs to you. Dress in a way that is comfortable for you, but cannot be construed as "provocative". Having large breasts is not a curse, dear heart. Many women have paid large sums of money to acquire what nature has bestowed upon you. I really do understand that you probably don't want to draw a lot of attention to yourself.. the sad truth is that far too many men, no matter what their age, will behave like complete fools in the presence of a well-built woman.

I'm easily old enough to be your Mom and am a petite woman with average-sized breasts, but have a slender and slightly athletic body type and long hair. All my life, I've been bothered by men! I dress in jeans and a t-shirt and work boots and some men think this is sexy and go out of their way to bother me. Generally, they start off being friendly and kind. When you have a form of autism, this seems so wonderful! We all want to have friends who like and accept us as we are, who seem to be kind. The problem is that we need to be cautious. Many people with hidden agendas will put on a mask of kindness, which will very often vanish when you don't give them what they really want. For reasons that continue to puzzle me, men are attracted to women On the Spectrum. Maybe it's the air of aloofness, maybe it's the perpetual innocence, maybe it's the intelligence or a combination of factors. You might speak to your brothers about "the way guys think."

I must tell you there is no reason for you to be embarrassed about the way these co-workers acted. You did not intentionally lead them on. Males often misinterpret friendliness or a genuine smile for flirting, which is entirely their own imagination. If you are friendly and inclined to smile, these are good attributes! When you say "No" and this is ignored, you are dealing with people who do not respect your boundaries. Tell them they are treating you with disrespect and if they refuse to listen, stay away from them! It is your co-workers who should feel embarrassed and ashamed at the way they treated you!

Actually, this is a big part of the problem. Shy women can end up with a lot more bad treatment from certain kinds of men because the men know that they'll get away with it. A lack of effective resistance to this harassment means that they'll simply go further next time. OP: work on your assertiveness skills in order to show these types that you simply will not put up with or tolerate that kind of nonsense, and the harassment will (in most cases) stop. It's very important that you do this ASAP otherwise you could end up in serious trouble.

Oh, I should also repeat the advice given here: do NOT tell anyone that you're a virgin unless you're involved in a consensual sexual relationship with them (or your doctor under specific circumstances, obviously). If asked, refuse to answer (or change the subject). If it makes you uncomfortable, leave. It's none of their business and people will see it as a "challenge" or a green light to carry on violating your shyness for their own ends.

I must agree that shyness puts one at a disadvantage and tends to attract certain sorts of aggressive men (typified by those who'll not take "No" for an answer and will continue to violate personal boundaries). My experience with Aspergers (and having worked with others on the spectrum) is that there is much more than shyness that is felt.

When we assert ourselves in general, this is expressed in different ways and interpreted by others in ways that are interesting, to say the least. In tech jobs, I seemed to inspire fear in many of my co-workers due to taking my work very seriously and not wanting to be interrupted for trivial reasons. If someone could get information by searching in a database and had the skills to do so, knocking on my door or ringing me on the telephone because it "would save them time because they knew I'd have the answer" would result in a rather cold mini-lecture. I would tell people that they were being lazy and inconsiderate. However, while in the same job, a co-worker could knock on my door and discuss personal difficulties they were having or ask for my advice regarding life-changing decisions and this would never irritate me. I hadn't taken formal assertiveness training, but learned "on the fly" through life experiences. I had no difficulty in telling off an obvious bully. The issue for me has been men who approach in subtle and strategic fashion, who "fly under the radar" and misrepresent their intentions. This was not the case for the young woman who quit her job. Her tormentors were not at all sophisticated.

For people with autism, assertiveness can be learned via some unusual approaches. For instance, one client I worked with was only able to ask strangers for the location of restrooms after becoming incredibly annoyed with me because I'd pointed out that despite her repeated denials that she "didn't get humor", she often laughed at things I said. She abruptly rose from her seat, walked over to a small group of servers in the restaurant and asked where she could find the Women's Restroom. Upon her return, she gave me a look that was both fierce and mildly amused and loudly exclaimed: "YOU DID THIS! You made me so MAD that I wasn't afraid anymore!" I explained to her that SHE'D done this and I deserved none of the credit. I congratulated her, because "now that you've accomplished this, you must realize that you need never fear asking for this information again."

This is an example of "learning through indirection". The best comparison I can make is to the way cats learn. To teach a cat, bring a dog into the room that the cat knows and gets along with. While the cat looks on, train the dog to do at least one thing and always use positive reinforcement (treats are good) as the dog progresses and masters the "trick". The cat will also have mastered the trick and will expect a treat. In most cases, attempting to teach a cat directly will result in failure. Examples I've seen of some Assertiveness Training seminars make me cringe. However, this is my reaction and may not be true of anyone other than me.

Some "shy" people can be bullied or ridiculed into giving consensus to sexual relationships that baffle them or cause them tremendous emotional distress. An aggressive man can present himself as lonely, misunderstood and needy and pull a "shy" woman in. Such aggressive men often give "gifts" the woman cannot herself afford and she feels guilt. Should she try to extricate herself from the relationship and return the "gift", the aggressive man will resort to any number of persuasive tactics to prevent her from getting away from him.

It should be mentioned here that most people with autism are not sexual sophisticates and can be coerced into feeling they are "wrong" or "too critical" or "heartless" in their attitude when they try to stop a relationship they were ill-equipped to understand or where they were given misleading information. An aggressive man who feels thwarted in getting what he wants will use whatever he can to "win". Personally, it has never occurred to me to think of relationship as a form of contest. While it might seem obvious to the NT person when love is not reciprocal, this is often not so for the person with autism. I believe it is important to inform others that when they consent to a sexual relationship with complexities that cause them discomfort or that they don't fully understand (often because they're not being told the truth), when the other person tries to keep them in the relationship, they are not acting out of love.

If a man told me he finds my virginity attractive if would run as fast as I can.

But TS, what do you really want advice on? What exactly is your question?

There is some good advice in this thread. I would add: You are probably going to have problems with bullies and sexual harassers for some time to come, for reasons having nothing to do with you.

Things you can do to feel stronger:
• take an assertiveness training course
• take a self-defense course (Model Mugging is the best - it includes verbal and physical defense - expensive but worth it)
• learn about how relationships can work - I find the five stages of dating in Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray very useful for understanding how all relationships (dating, work, friendship) work - the first four stages apply to all relationships. - It can give you a sense of structure as you get to know people.

Plus in my experience dealing with legal hassles gets easier with practice. If only I didn't need so much practice.