What would you call this weird thing ? A relationship ? :-p

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Warning... this is a long e-mail about a crummy relationship.
If you don't want to read it , then feel free to skip this topic and read something else instead.


So, I had this (for want of a better word) boyfriend.... we (for want of a better description) broke up about 15 months ago. We were in (for want of a better description) a relationship, for three months.

However, it was so downright odd that I don't think of it as a proper relationship.... and I was wondering if there was a name for whatever it was, because I don't think that there's a word for it in the english language.

So, we met over Xbox Live... because I knew his brother.
How Xbox Live works, is that people can create a social group ; and then either invite people in to join them, or else leave the group open so that any of their friends can wander by to say hello.
I had barged into a group with the guy who I know in it (and just one other person), but because of some kind of time quirk I joined right when the guy who I knew left the group.

It was a bit strange talking to a complete stranger, but we decided to have a little talk and got along really well.
Then over time, we began playing a whole lot of different things over Xbox Live together, and talking for ages about all sorts of things. Eventually, it emerged that he'd developed feelings beyond friendship for me, and he seemed like a nice fellow to me as well. He was a fair bit younger than me (he'd be 20 this year), but that's neither here nor there really.

He came to visit for an afternoon while I was living at my previous abode, and things moved quite quickly.... but I got kind of upset because it became apparent that he'd been expecting me to have intercourse with him... and I just.... I mean dang, I'd only just met the guy really... although, it's true that we had been talking over Xbox Live a lot before then. But we had only just met, and he wasn't staying long... it would have felt really weird to me even if I'd wanted to do that.

So, then after he went back we agreed that he would come and stay for a couple of days over Valentine's Day.

However the (for want of a better term) relationship was already a bit.... odd.... he would make excessive declarations of feeling by saying things like "every moment which I spend not thinking of you is a moment of my life wasted" (which is sweet and all, but I have no idea what to make of it or how to reply) ... he just seemed to be getting very emotional, very quickly.
Except, that he was also being really weird about not wanting me to meet his parents (he lives at home with his folks) on the alleged basis that "[his] mum is a tool" (which he later denied ever saying). He also didn't want to take me out on any dates.

So, I said that he could come and stay.
But what happened was that he kept extending the visit by another day, then another, and another.... and eventually it lasted for two weeks.

I didn't want to be rude and throw him out, but oh wow... he REALLY stank.... like. oh my god. I did not realise than one human being could smell so awful, and so strongly.
We spent most of his visit in my room because he didn't want to go out anywhere, but it was really cold and windy - so it was impossible to leave the window open for ventilation.
To begin with, he damn near killed me because I became so ill from the quantity of Lynx which he kept dousing himself in, to try and cloak the stench billowing off him. In the end, I insisted he stop using it... but wow, he truly did reek.
It's his own fault really, because normally he eats hardly anything except for really crappy cheap meat - so he would probably be having detox going on because of having a better diet during his stay. He smelled like something unpleasant had crawled under his armpits and died in there.

I became incredibly depressed for the last 4 or 5 days of the stay, because he would walk about stinking to high heaven and saying things like (in a not caring voice) "Why are you depressed ? Is it because I stink ? Because I know that.. (chuckle) at least I'm not as bad as Lister [from Red Dwarf]" ... and I'd be appalled and not know what to say, and become more depressed.

I reckon that he was clearly after some sort of 'f*ck-buddy' arrangement (which became apparent some time into his visit) but knew I wasn't going to agree to that, so he kind of tried to make it seem more like a relationship.
There was a fair bit of physical stuff we did, but when he became really stinky then it (understandably) put me off the idea somewhat.

He'd say things like "oh changing your underwear ? That's just something girls have to do. I don't think it matters for boys. I sometimes wear one pair of pants for a month." .... then get all pissy-assed and critical of me when I was completely disgusted with him after he'd said that, and was not wanting to be physically intimate with him any more.
I had a really difficult time trying to get him to understand that pants which had been worn for a day and pre-spunked on a little bit were not in fact "clean" (as he would describe them) , and to get him to appreciate that after a week of use (and in a condition that even he referred to as "destroyed") pants DO need to be washed.
He threw this amazingly childish tantrum, when I tried to insist on putting them in with a load of clothes which I was washing anyway. Eventually, I gave up and just started loading the machine with my own clothes. At which point, he did slink up and hand over the manky pants... but he was really obnoxious and ungrateful about it, just saying things like "Well, are you happy NOW ?"

He tried to claim that he has a severe anxiety condition which becomes unbearable whenever he has a bath... but he is full of crap, I swear. He had a bath in the end (after 12 days in the same room and bed as me ! !) , but only because I said that there was no way he was coming near me after I'd had one - unless he had one as well.
Actually, there wasn't enough water for two baths as it turned out.
He tried to make out as though he was being all chivalrous-like, saying that I should have the bath if I was needing one (as though he wasn't stinking to high heaven !) ... but I was like , oh hell no... you need a bath. Have one. I'll do a full-body wash with a little bit of water in the sink, first.
I must say, he seemed very untraumatised by the experience of having a bath, considering his no doubt genuine deep fear of having them. And, I still don't see what would be so horrifying about washing once in a while even if baths were mortally terrifying for the poor soul.

He'd said before (over Xbox Live) that he was really lazy about having showers because he'd rather do things like playing computer games instead, but he said that if he got near anybody else then he did wash/shower much more often (every day or two, he claimed) and this was supposed to be the arrangement for when he visited.

He claims that since he planned to only stay for 2 or 3 days to begin with, he hadn't expected to need to wash during that time (but really, is it too much to expect an intimate partner to hose themself off a bit more often than every 3 days, at least under their unnaturally stinky armpits if nowhere else !?) ... then he just "failed to adapt to the new situation of staying longer" (even though it was his idea, and really is was me trying to figure out what was going on and how to deal with it) ... he pretty much tried to blame me for not nagging him (motherlike) into having a bath before he did, as though it wasn't his own responsibility to behave like a grown-ass man, and maintain basic hygiene while he was visiting.

Oh, and he's a horrible bigot as well.... he's racist, sexist and homophobic... which emerged during his visit.
But, he got really obnoxious about it when I pointed out that he was being a bigot... apparently that is soooo offensive, but spewing bigotry or insults is sOOOooo much less offensive, apparently.


One evening, he was a total s**thead to me for no good reason whatsoever.... because of a load of toss which he had basically made up. My mum had called me through to the living room to discuss a stressful matter regarding criminally insane landpersons (I was staying with her to escape a rented place that was unfit to be in, which I was the tenant of) and it took a long time - about 2 hours, to sort everything we needed to do out.
So, I was exhausted by the end of it.

But when I went through to the bedroom again from the living room, the stinky guy was determined to badger and harangue me until I told him about it. But I didn't have the energy. I have a medical condition where if I do too much I can become incredibly ill, and had already done too much (had too much to cope with) even without further energy-draining conversation just for his benefit. I needed to rest... it was about 11pm by then.
He then behaved VERY oddly.... started being really mean towards me, and said he was going out for a walk.
He commanded me to go to bed and wouldn't let me get up again, saying I should go to sleep.
Then the entire next morning and afternoon, he was a total jerk to me.... all frosty and douchey.
He suddenly declared that he would be going home in ten minutes' time and had already arranged it with my mum to be taken into town. I should have just told him to bugger off really, but I was so depressed and confused by then, that I didn't. Somehow it emerged that the reason he was being such a tosser was because he'd taken the notion that I'd snuck off and smoked a bunch of pot the night before.

This was on the basis that I "had weird smelling breath" (he was a one to talk, given his own stinky breath !) but it turned out to be a combination of whatever we'd been eating (he actually didn't have any idea what weed smelled like, it turned out) .... that I'd been through talking to my mum for so long (he figured she was in on it) , and because I had (and I quote) "a ret*d blank mong face".
I find this reason especially offensive, because I get like that because of being completely mentally overloaded.
I just don't have the capacity to do the whole facial expression thing, while also dealing with severe stress.
It normally happens automatically to a great extent, but when I become overloaded I have to do it all consciously and it's sometimes just not possible. You guys know what I mean, right ?

Oh, and apparently I was staring too much. He whined and bitched because I wouldn't look him in the eye... but then when I did my best to, apparently I was staring in an unsettling way, so he just took the notion that I was high and decided to punish me for that by being an a***hole.

I didn't even have any weed ... the guy was just being really weird, mean and delusional.
The conversation was like :

Him "So, is there something you need to tell me ?"
Me "Not really"
Him "I think you know what I mean,"
Me (distressed) "What ? I'm sorry if I've done something wrong."
Him (sounding very mean) "Think a bit harder."
Me (very distressed) "What are you talking about ? I know that I sometimes say things and don't realise how they come across to others. I'm sorry if I did something wrong, and never realised it."
Him "Oh, seriously ? Really ? Did you think I was stupid, and wouldn't realise ? Oh man that really is beyond belief."
Me (shaking and upset) "What ???"

... and that was when his bizarre delusional notion came to light.
I f*cking hate his douchey attitude.

He's a total hypocrite anyway, because he reckons that it would be fine for him to have whatever drugs he likes, but then thinks it's fine to behave like that towards me.

So yeah, he was kind of a dick for the entire visit really, on and off.
Even a f*ckbuddy would normally treat their partner better than that, right ?

Then after he went back home, he'd decided by himself that he would be coming back to visit again after a week or two.... but I was like, "No, I don't think so."
I said that I thought it would be a much better idea to actually have a relationship.... as in, something that resembled one.... where we actually went on dates once in a while, and established a nice foundation of being clean and hygenic before launching into further intimate visits where we're in the same room most of the time."

To which he said, that we should have a break from each other in order to clear the air.
Quite an apt way of putting it I thought, so I agreed.

He was already being annoying as hell before that, complaining repeatedly about how he wanted "a normal girlfriend" (to which I got increasingly insulted and grumpy) , and whinging on because he thought I should be banging him (even though we'd only been together for 3 months by the time we broke up, and had barely seen each other during that whole time - and he stank like a Venice sewer for most of that) , and making all manner of upsetting and uncalled for comments ; while behaving as though it was funny to take the piss out of me (and like there was something wrong with me for being offended by the kind of comment that would upset any woman !)

Well ! A week later, he declared that he felt the split should be permanent because he didn't want to be with somebody who had a problem with his bigotry and rude comments. Well, except that he didn't put it like that. He said that he "didn't want a relationship where there was always arguing and disagreement" ... as in, what he wanted was a relationship where he could spout whatever prejudiced notions he liked without having to deal with alternative viewpoints... and could be a stinky fetid minger without somebody criticising him for it.

Then a week after that, he then threw a big baby tantrum, claiming that I had cruelly dumped him even though he had a whole bucketload of devoted tender emotional blah.....

So, to cut a long story short.... we talked a bit over Xbox Live, only met twice (once for just one afternoon) ... oh yeah, and he also lied a great deal about things in order to make himself seem more appealing as a prospective partner (he seems to think I'm ridiculous for expecting anything else from a person) ... ie pretending to agree with my perspective on matters such as "Gay people deserve to be beaten up for being gay" (IMHO gay people do not deserve to be beaten up just for being gay) or "Men are better at important jobs than women, for example being a war commander ; because women have periods and are irrational" (IMHO women make perfectly good war commanders, and are no less rational than male war commanders), or "It's good when a society is xenophobic and prejudiced against foreigners, because it keeps the Pakis out" (he calls "anybody who looks like a Paki" a "Paki", and of course I find his view ridiculous and bigoted).

I would never have agreed to let him visit, if I had known what a dishonest creep he was.... and we never went on a single date.... it seems to me that it wasn't really much of a relationship, if it could even be called that.

I kind of think of him as a boyfriend only on a technicality... or like, a half of a boyfriend or something, if even that much.... and the relationship, well it seems like he flaked out at the first sign of things not going his way - and being expected to actually have something resembling a relationship, rather than just a roll between the sheets.

Oh, and he was kind of creepy after we broke up.... quite obsessive, he would do things like sitting and staring at my Xbox Live profile for hours while pining for me. I know, because he told me so. Weird, right ?


Well.... he got some new girlfriend not long after breaking up with me, and almost right away he invited her over to visit his parents and they go out to lots of places on dates. And I'll bet that he hoses himself off before seeing her, too. That's more like how a relationship ought to be, I reckon.

He was always trying to get me contort myself to suit him, and assumedly had no interest in trying to develop any kind of genuine, meaningful relationship where he was expected to make a decent effort - instead of just being a douche whenever he felt like it, while expecting me to bust my ass to suit him.

Well, I'll tell you... if anyone else tries that stinking nonsense on me in a future stuation, I'm just going to turn the hose on them... they can complain about it all they like !


Do I have to consider what we had as being a relationship ?
I don't feel like it was one... but what on earth was it, in that case ?


Perhaps the english language needs more words for "relationship" if that was one, because it's nothing like a healthy kind of relationship. I suggest the term "shitlationship", as an alternative.
Ir perhaps... "fauxrelationshit" to take account of the deceitfulness (on his side) which it turned out to be based on, as well as the inherent shittiness of it all.

He really was a cock about trying to force me to speak about things when I wasn't able to, as well.
After the ridiculous "Are you depressed because I stink, because I know that (chuckle) at least I'm not as bad as Lister" comment...

... which was not long after him being unreasonably mean about me having a tiny little bit of (very light, fair coloured) armpit hair (which everybody who I've asked about it, they all think he's preposterous to even have mentioned it. You can't see it in photos, or anything like that) ... out of the blue, he just remarked bluntly that allegedly I "need to shave my armpits" and I "have more armpit hair than his dad" and things like that... which is not true in the slightest. He later claimed that it was meant as a hilarious joke (as in, no need to get upset - it was meant as a joke). But, it clearly wasn't meant as a joke.

.. Well, after that all happening I became very depressed and wouldn't come out from under the duvet.

He started being very overbearing, demanding to know what the matter with me was.
... but he'd just said that he didn't care that he stank worse than a hobo (Literally. I have smelled an assortment of hobos, and they are usually much less horrible-smelling than he was ! !!) and already had made it clear that he didn't care if that made me depressed.... and had been making really unpleasant comments about armpit hair, which is well known to be a sensitive matter for women... so what was I meant to say about it ?

Earlier in the day he'd insisted that I ask my mum to drive us both to the local shop, so that he could buy a load of junk food, and we got some of the fancy 'Kettle' Sea Salt crisps in a big bag.
So when I wouldn't tell him why I was upset, he started to eat them at me.... while stating that he was eating them at me to be annoying and upset me more, and saying that he wasn't going to let me have any because he knew I was wanting them, and that he wouldn't let me have any until I told him why I was upset, and kept making a big display of munching and eating them at me. I found it very traumatising, because I didn't know what to do and it was so overwhelming... with him stinking, and being mean to me, and not getting to eat the crisps after doing him the favour of asking for a lift to get them in the first place... and being harassed in my own personal space, in my own bed for god's sake, while I was feeling ill from his stinking, and just trying to hide and mind my own business.

He just doesn't seem to think that kind of thing is a problem... oh no, the only problem with his sh***y behaviour (according to him) was that I ever had a problem with his sh***y behaviour. He seemed to think that he had the right to know everything I was thinking, even though he thought it was fine to not tell me very much about his thoughts (even about important things) .... and so he saw it as legitimate to harass me like that in order to get what he wanted, and tried to pass it off as being supportive. Which it wasn't !

Not sure about a relationship.

More like it could be described as I hate bath days. I didn't read it all mind you, my attention span is not that good.

Well, I still say that even a man who has a life-endangering phobia of both baths and sinks, should be able to manage to take himself out onto the lawn and hose himself off once in a while.

Right ?

Did you ever consider being dirty as well and trying to out stink him?



I think you chose wisely to break up with him. It's interesting why you put up with him as long as you did.

Haha ew....

Well, he kept saying that he was only staying for another day.... but then the next day he would say the same thing.... and I didn't have anybody who I could talk to about it, for advice or an external perspective on the matter.

And, I had a lot of trouble battling with depression at the time....

And, I was raised in a family where my dad stank constantly because of smoking really minging tobacco the whole time and being unhygenic, and he would be verbally abusive if anybody commented on it (and my mum would be verbally abusive if i had the window open for ventilation)

All of which conditioned me to be more likely to put up with it, rather than responding in a normal kind of way.

Well, you know how it is... in hindsight everything seems so much clearer... blah blah blah.
If I could go back and do things again, I would do them differently... and so forth.

Nice that you have put your stinky past behind you.

The future smells good Ladywoofwoof.

Yes, indeed !

(throws stinky socks in the general direction of that other bloke)

Maybe the term "fling" is appropriate?

You have very vivid descriptions. It helps to get a good mental image of what that must have been like. I'm cringing.

Perhaps so.

The term "fling" could be fitting for the end of whatever that was, as well.

As in :
Fling (verb) - To throw an object with great force, usually in a discontent manner.

I'm sure you can do much much better.

Thankyou.
It's nice of you to say so.