A Little Help?

Post Reply New Topic

I am 25 years of age, and I am not (and have not been) sexually active. No, I am not frigid or difficult, I just much prefer to wait until I am married, as is my personal choice. However, I do tend to...explore these days and am very much curious. It's like the teenage part of my brain decided to catch up with my body, and I am attempting to get to know myself physically as I hear it is a healthy practice on different levels. Having said that, I have a question I want to pose to you...

Since I've began really testing myself 'sensation' wise, I notice that it isn't all that terrible, however I can't stand it for too long. I'll be on the brink of something, but the sensations become terribly overwhelming, and I have to suddenly stop. I don't know if subconsciously I am afraid to fall over that edge because I never have, or if it's some sort of sensory overload, but it really terrifies me because I have no idea if one day when I'm married to someone I'll recoil from them due to the touching or freak out over this issue.

I was curious to know if anyone might have some input as to what it might be?

Much Thanks,

-Painfully Shy

The overwhelming sensations are very normal because you are just beginning to explore body--do not fear, it is all part of the process.

You will become more desensitized to the feelings the more you expose yourself to them--not to say that they will go away and won't be pleasurable, but it won't be so overwhelming to the point where you hide away from them. That being said, there is a psychological component to the shying away as well--it is, afterall, an incredibly overwhelming sensation.

If I may be direct, I still get these "overloads" whenever I am with my husband even though we have been intimate with each other often. Some women seem to be able to overcome that, but for myself, it's hard for me to handle sometimes because of the sensory overload.

But no worries, just enjoy the feelings and don't be afraid of letting go. I can say that it's not so scary when you have a partner with whom you are sharing the experience, so perhaps when you are married and you've grown to trust this person, you may not shy away as much from these sensations.

Hope this helped some!

@ SirReality, your words do help, a lot. I thought may be it was simply because I haven't been with anyone, but I wasn't sure. I had read a few articles online where the Aspie Women recoiled from their husbands, not because they weren't in love with them, but because the touch (and the severity of the sensation) was overpowering. I began to worry; how do I know I won't be one of them? I think that is why I am always so tense for a 'lady doctor' visit; I hardly look at myself there, so I'm terrified at the thought of someone else seeing it even if I trust that person with my health needs.

I am an optimist though; I think it's like you said: one day when I am finally with "Mr.Right" and he's sharing a marriage bed with me, it'll be different. I think part of what happened also is that I was raised Catholic...you may or may not be aware, but they really frown down upon people even remotely being curious about their bodies, much less looking at it. I felt guilty for at least a year about these 'urges' that would take place at random, and the need to try and fulfill them. I kept thinking i was doing something wrong...then one day, I woke up and realized I was never into religion, so what was I so damn worried about? That, and other non-Aspie-women my age had told me that my body was just doing what it normally does.

Actually, people are rather shocked to find out I am still a virgin as most of my generation either has kids or has lost their virginity by their teens. I remember last year becoming offended when a nurse at my school health center automatically assumed I was active because of my age. I may be 25, but I don't believe in one night stands or sleeping around. It's special to me; it's something I am saving for someone I believe will deserve it. May sound cliche, but it's how I feel about it.

What's really interesting, is that these 'urges' tend to happen at complete random...they're kind of frustrating that way. Does that ever happen to you? You'll just be sitting around doing homework, housework, or whatever and it just happens?

I suggest yoga, breathing and muscle control. Enjoy discovering!

@ LegoKitten, I have heard that Yoga is a very good way to work out -and- relax at the same time. It's supposedly a very cleansing act that will help jump start the day. In terms of breathing, when I am having these 'self-exploration' moments, I hardly breathe above a quick inhale...it might sound a tad over dramatic, but I am trying not to make a lot of noise as I don't have my own place, and the space in which I have chosen to get to know myself is close to the living room as well as the outside world, lol.

My Mother has talked about installing a lock on my bedroom door for my privacy...Ever since we saw the lovely bedroom sequence in Black Swan-the one where Natalie Portman wakes up to find her Mom sitting there-she's said she'd be more than happy to install the lock for me. I was so terribly embarrassed at the thought, but Mom merely laughed and just said it was part of growing up and I shouldn't feel ashamed. Bless her, she knows even though I love her, it's just not something I feel comfortable discussing with her because she's Mom, lol. Not only that, but she knows I am a very different case than most young women my age, which is why she suggested I try here for some helpful answers to my personal questions.

Yes, it isn't a norm nowadays for young ladies to withhold from sexual activity, but keep your beliefs and value system concerning that--it's a good one.

I am aware of traditional Catholic beliefs on sex and exploring oneself sexually so I can understand why you would feel guilty. Don't feel that you have to be rebellious about religion, however, which is the tendency I know, but that's completely your choice.

Lol I have the random spurts of urges as well. For some reason, I noticed a higher drive whenever I'm doing homework lol

@ SirReality, so I noticed when I was still in high school: the sex ed spokeswoman was practically *encouraging* my classmates to run out and have a good romp around, safely of course as she brought her condoms (in varying shades of color and such) with her. I just never personally wanted to at that age...and I knew my peers did (most of them) especially the boys, so I tended to stay away from them--still do half the time for that reason among others.

I began my initial curious bouts around 19 or 20, would only tend to it here and there, and then was re-encouraged a few months ago to not be so scared about it, that it was okay for me to know myself physically and feel the sensations I would feel. Actually, it makes a hell of a lot of sense: from a medical standpoint, if I don't know my intimate spaces, how am I going to detect if something is severely wrong?

Oh no don't get me wrong, I'm not simply rebelling against religion, I just found that after years of attendance I never really cared for church or any kind of organized religion. I don't slam others who follow their faiths as it's their choice, but sometimes I have to remind them not to persist in trying to get me involved. Nothing personal; I just don't believe in it, and honestly I haven't these pay few years. I feel better off without it...been doing very well without the added psychological and social pressures.

Anyway, I digress, and I apologize. Oh thank goodness, someone besides me understands! Mine tends to be higher when reading sometimes too...or sometimes during certain music.

Yes, kids are encouraged to "experience" their youth before settling as grown adults evidently. I cannot point fingers too much because I myself had not waited until marriage to engage in sexual activities (for reasons that don't matter anymore, of course). Everyone's different--I know many young ladies who were not interested at that age, who were interested but refrained, and some who were very much interested and acted on every impulse imagineable

Funny that you mention the medical standpoint. A friend of mine told me a story several years ago about a woman she talked to who had abstained from sex until she was married. It was the wedding night that she learned that she was allergic to latex (her husband had used a condom, you see) and so she had a very horrible first time experience. Once they found out what it was, it didn't affect their sexual intimacies because they were able to use other methods to preventing pregnancy.

I understand, and I hope I didn't come off as intrusive on that matter of religion (it's a very touchy topic nowadays). I myself have not much of an advocate of organized religion even though I belong to a religious sect. I entertain the social pressures (generally by being a wallflower with my husband lol) and people don't really bother us. Of course, I have to dress a different way when I go to services, but I tend to view it as a fun dress-up that day and then go home and change. I'm not opposed to skirts, they're merely not something I wear on a regular basis.

Music, reading, sometimes just sitting! I've come to recognize that I have a very high drive and just learn to control the impulses lol Even though I am married, there's always a time and a place

Pay attention to your cycle, most women are more amorous around the time they ovulate (natures way of ensuring the survival of the species).

@ SirReality, it is a personal preference amongst girls and women, I just happen to be one who wants to wait Oh your poor friend, that's *terrible*! I've often wondered what strange, freakish things could potentially happen when I'm finally with a man intimately. Mother seems to think it'll be difficult for me because I haven't done any of that before, and I'm tempted to agree with her. I know that I do not posses a lot of space, if you know what I mean, so of course that has me more than nervous, but I think that's perfectly normal.

I've had dreams where I am in a wedding gown about to get married (to who I don't know), and I run away each time. It's happened two or three times, and I read somewhere that sort of dream implies I am fearful of sex. Yet at the same time, I have dreams where I am in some sort of sexual act with a man, usually involving his hands touching (and sometimes going into) me. I usually wake up very disoriented from those dreams, and feeling very strange indeed, but I have since attributed it to getting aroused while sleeping. The one time I actually saw a man's body beneath mine in a dream, I could only see up to his chin, his face was in black shadow.

He appeared in another dream, I was apparently married to him the second time, but I still couldn't see his face because it was early morning when I was leaving for work or something and he was laying in bed. Haven't seen "mystery man" since, but I imagine now that I've mentioned him, he'll be back, lol. On the subject of religion: no, I'm not offended at all. I know that is a rather touchy subject also, which is why I tend to stay away from it. I was merely pointing out that I have had friends (and classmates at school) try to push the religion card at me and I've had to really stand my ground and say, "no thank you". But like I said, I completely respect any church goer, it just wasn't for me

And back on the subject of drives, I am highly suspicious I have a high one, too. I tend to produce more testosterone than I do estrogen, so I'm thinking that hormonal imbalance (which might be caused by that poor, smaller ovary) might be causing mine. I am pretty good at controlling it, I think back to "That 70's Show" when Donna had to sit for a few after Eric turned her on with a kiss, and I'm good, lol!

@ Jennica, I read about that on a site for Women's Health, and I do notice that I tend to have more of an urgency just before starting, and even *during*, which I heard isn't uncommon. I don't think when I am married that I could make love to my husband when I'm cycling though...I hear some couples can, but it just...yeah, it weirds me out and I'm not even the guy, lol.

I haven't read the books fully but it appears Suzanne Somers discusses sexual health and how it relates to overall health and hormones. Sex on a regular schedule is a wonderful way to help control your levels, stay balanced. There are videos on you tube for sensual massage, pelvic massage, and menstrual massage which would be a less overtly sexual. It is very important to use your muscles even if you never have a partner. When you get older you may have trouble holding your urine if your muscles are weak. Kegel exercises are strengthening. You can use them train your body to respond with orgasm just by squeezing.

@ LegoKitten, I have heard of those exercises before, and heard they do wonders there, especially (as you mentioned) when you're older. This may sound odd for a girl who says she exploring, but I don't actually physically touch myself...the few times I have, the sensation is too strange, and I kind of feel uncomfortable while doing it. I will take a look at this videos though as you've now got me curious. It can level me out, you say? Well, anything natural certainly beats a pill in my book any day.

My old gyn had me on birth control for the hormonal issue, but I was promptly taken off when I started attending the university three years ago. My mother has a blood clotting disorder, and the gyn at the school was concerned that I could develop clots like she did. I'm actually doing fine without the pills: my cycle runs pretty normal, unless I am under stress or am sick, which screws it all up, lol.

You know, I heard that trick for having sex the first time is to relax. I've heard from several women telling me that their first time wasn't as painful as they imagined because they were lost in the moment.

The dream analysis makes sense: marriage is often associated with sec so proletariat having dreams of running from the marriage may attribute to running from the emotional and/or physical intimacy.

Legokitten is right: kegel exercises do wonders for body, including helping you relax for that marriage night.

@SirReality, I have often wondered if I'd be terrified the first time...I mean, I imagine I'll be extremely nervous, but I might surprise myself and not be scared at all. I do know that trust (like you've mentioned) has a lot to do with that. I need to be able to trust the man I am giving permission to, and I know for an Aspie it's kind of hard to get over that hurdle. But that's how I'll know he's *the* guy. I don't just let any man get my heart automatically on the first date: I'm overly cautious because I know how the world is...I know how *men* are...and I know what most of them these days want. At the same time, I know I can't be so cautious to the point where I shut the right one out and let the wrong one into my life.

The dream thing is weird: 2-3 times it was running away from the wedding, but there have been numerous occasions now where it's been me receiving pleasure from people. I think it attributes to both themes here: I am nowhere near ready to give myself physically to anyone, but I am curious about my own body. *shrug* Guess that's my teenage self catching up to me, lol.

And yeah, I know I should do them, even my Mother's mentioned them on occasion. The space between our legs is indeed an amazing thing.

You may or may not be--just depends on your view of the relationship (because a lot of the physical function is tied with someone's mentality as well).

Sounds like it--it may not even be your teenage self but just your own self catching up with you. Repression of certain urges can come out later in adulthood when the conditions are right, and that's not limited to sexual urges either. I knew a young man who didn't have a very good childhood and the route he went when he became an adult was that he engaged in activities and behavior that were seemingly child-like.