Pregnancy support

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First, if you think a spectrum couple should not want/plan a child, please don't reply. We have thought, we've considered, and this is the choice we've made. We want a baby, and in a dream come true world, an Aspie baby like ourselves....

That being said, Aspie brains that we have, we're trying to be responsible, plan ahead, you know, the general overthinking everything thing. And finding support and information for a parent on the spectrum, (not just a parent of a child on the spectrum), has proven insanely difficult. And my questions/concerns/issues aren't necessarily ones that can be answered by 'what to expect when you're expecting'. Pretty sure the experience is going to be somewhat different than your average NT mom's. (My functioning-level has a direct negative correlation to my stress levels. The relatively 'normal' woman my doctor meets at the first appointment is likely to be hiding in a closet and mostly mute at the hospital come delivery day.... The very question of choosing a doctor left me so overwhelmed I couldn't stop crying for hours.)

Does anyone know of any such resources anywhere? Or have advice from experience on how their pregnancy and/or delivery differed from an NT's? How, for instance, do you deal with prenatal diets when you have a strong aversion to new foods/tastes/textures, and a decided preference for living on hamburgers and buttered bread? Were sensory issues a problem, or did the labor pains entirely block out things like the nurse's perfume and the lighting in the room? Advice on what to ask at a prenatal doctor interview/how to explain what you need to a total stranger who may know nothing about Aspies? Any chance there's a referral on doctors who have willingly dealt with such issues in the past?

I cannot be the only expectant Aspie woman on the planet, but it feels like I am. And my normal resources of 'find a book' or 'find a website' have been completely empty. Any supports for 'disabled' pregnancies at all would be welcome. In the US, Medicare technically covers pregnancy, but finding actual information on WHAT it covers (would it pay for a midwife? a birthing center? etc) is well-nigh impossible. Again, other 'disabled' women have children, but every time I ask a question, people look at me like I'm insane, or say 'huh.... that's a new one ... never been asked that before...'. I not only want but NEED information--need it for the sake of my mental health--and I'm at a loss how to get any....

If you can help, please do so. Even if that help is only a pat on the back to tell me I'm not insane or that you know someone who went through this at some point too. I spent my life feeling like I was the only one on the planet who thought this way (and suffering from clinical depression because of it), until I discovered Asperger's (a friend asked if my new boyfriend, now husband, had it, so I found a book on it) and cried my eyes out in the bookstore because I wasn't the only one. Since I've met my husband and was diagnosed, I found the supports I needed and quickly developed near-perfect mental health. Now I'm feeling like the only one again. I just need to know I'm not....

Thanks in advance.

your wanting to plan ahead makes you likely to be a very good parent.

I have two kids, and only in the last couple of years have really looked into Aspergers as it relates to myself. So, I am a likely-Aspie who went through childbirth twice (two C-sections.)

First, finding a doctor. Request an interview with a doctor. If you feel comfortable with that doctor at the interview, you will be comfortable with that doctor throughout the pregnancy. The problem for me was that at the local hospital, the doctors were all on call on a rotating basis. A doctor I did not like happened to be the one on-call when I went into labor with my first child. There were issues there that I won't get into here. But, I will say you should be completely upfront with the doctor that you choose and see if you can make sure that *THAT DOCTOR* is the one who will be there when you go into labor and delivery and all that.

For help finding a doctor, ask women that you know. Go to a doctor that women like who like similar things to you.

As far as how the experience is different from NTs, I don't know if anyone can quantify that. Every woman's labor/delivery experience is different from any others. I know that you can make requests about some things. Make a birth plan ahead of time (this is covered, I believe, in What to Expect When You're Expecting.) Having a birth plan written out will help when you are not able to think straight or speak clearly. Your doctor, too, can help with getting one put together. All the things you need to know ahead of time, such as lighting in the room, what drugs you want or don't want, etc. will be known to everyone caring for you.

No woman thinks straight or speaks clearly when in labor. I don't care if she is NT or AS or what. Giving birth is both a tremendously exciting and terrifying experience.

The best thing you can do is to write down everything ahead of time. If you have questions for the doctor before appointments, write them down. You can give him/her the list in case you get to nervous to ask or you forget.

I did not notice anything when I was in labor except for what was going on with my body and that people were walking around me trying to talk to me. Any sensory issues were non-existent for me. My mother told me before I had my babies that women lose all modesty in labor and delivery. It is true. You will not care what is going on around you or two you. You just follow the doctor's orders.

As far as prenatal diets go... What prenatal diet? I followed no such diet. I ate what I could stomach. When I was pregnant with my first child, I ate plain oatmeal, salted crackers, Twix bars, and seltzer water for the first month or so. After a few weeks, I could manage a more varied diet and I *craved* cantaloupe and McDonald's Filet of Fish. I ate them almost every day. During that pregnancy, I could not eat ground meat. During my second pregnancy, I could not handle tomatoes at all, and the smell of them cooking (like in pasta sauce) made me sick. At the end of that pregnancy, I went to a wholesale store and bought a case of candy bars. I froze them and ate at least one everyday. Can you say chocolate???

Yes, try to eat a healthy diet as much as possible. Don't force yourself to eat something that you can't stomach. But, listen to your body. What it craves is what it needs, what it can't stand is something it doesn't need. Ultimately, what is good for a person is good for a baby. Protein, vegetables, etc. Extra fiber is good for mom to help keep things moving along the digestive tract, if you know what I mean. And pregnancy does change tastes. So, if all of a sudden you are wanting to eat something you never would have touched before, go with it. It may actually be an opportunity to expand your eating horizons...

I used to hate Iced Tea. Then, due to one of my pregnancies, I started to like it.

I know nothing about what Medicare covers.

The biggest issue is "What if there is an emergency?" Then the birth plan is out the window.

I highly, highly suggest that you have someone with you who you trust who is not Aspie who can help you make decisions in case there is an emergency during labor/delivery. If you want to have this person come along with you to appointments throughout your pregnancy, do that too. This person would not be able to make decisions FOR you, but could reduce panic and help you and the doctor communicate.

I have known women who have hired Doulas. That may be a good idea. Even for normal deliveries, a Doula will help to make the whole experience more relaxing.

In my own experience, I wish I had my mom with me. I had my husband, and he was great. But, there was an emergency with my firstborn, and my mom is a nurse. It would have been helpful to have someone who knew a bit about things there. (However, she may have been too close to the situation because it involved her first grandchild...) A doula would have been helpful.

Thank you! That helped tremendously....

Unfortunately, my relationship with my parents is absurdly complicated (we've actually considered not telling them I'm pregnant at all, it's so bad), so my mom as a resource is completely not an option. My husband is pretty much exclusively my support group, and he's an Aspie too. But he's higher-functioning than I am, and it won't be his stress, so I think we should be okay on that score. He has already promised that he will not leave my side and that he will do the talking for me if I'm in my "can't talk loud enough to be heard if your ear isn't touching my lips" phase (highly likely, since doctors in general have that effect on me). Generally he gets frustrated or embarrassed when I'm like that, but he says that I've got a pass that day and he'll take care of it.

The idea of writing helps a lot. In your experience, if I were to write things down in the delivery room to communicate (I can generally communicate textually even when I cannot verbally), would that be too weird, or should the doctor or whatever strange nurse be okay with that? My friend said that you don't see the doctor most of the time anyway, it's the nurses who do everything, but that's part of the scary, because the nurses will be unknown factors. You can't arrange them in advance. *sigh* And I'm so emotionally subject to the personalities of people around me. One impatient or "masterful" nurse and I'll be a lost cause. (Heck, I'm even terrified of the hospital check-in personnel. They get impatient and/or snotty when you don't fill out their forms fast enough, one of the reasons I'm terrified of hospitals/doctors offices.)

How exactly would one word "please be patient with me and let me finish my sentence" in a birthing plan? I've heard of them, of course, but I figured they were for whether or not you wanted an epidural, not for "if you cut me off or interrupt me when I'm trying to stutter through a sentence, I may have a panic attack"....

There are just so many people involved! I'm not worried about the modesty issue. I really don't have any modesty to speak of. My own nudity doesn't bother me. It's the *strangers* part that is freaking me out. Can you really request that you see the absolute minimum number of human beings during the process? (barring complications, of course) If I could feel sure that it would be only 1 or 2 unknown faces at most, I would breathe a lot better. But the hospital orientation video scared the crap out of me when it mentioned all the qualified staff "you will interact with". I don't want to "interact" with anyone! Every additional face is an additional explanation my husband has to make and I have to hear....

The other major embarrassing question is ... I'm very dependent upon stuffed animals when I'm stressed out. I absolutely need the security of my teddy. That gets odd looks at the best of times for an adult, though my general doctor (who unfortunately doesn't do deliveries) is used to me and thinks I'm cute. (She asked where Daisy was last month, when I took a different stuffed animal with me to my pap because it fit better in my purse.) Generally doctors or other people *who know me* and are used to me are okay with it, but first-timers or *strangers* are freaked out by it and think I'm a lunatic or an imbecile. If I am clinging like a toddler to a pink monkey in the hospital, is that going to be a problem? I really don't see any way to do this without Daisy.... (Among other things, she doesn't mind if I squeeze her or bite her when my pain levels get to be unbearable. It helps with migraines and menstrual cramps, anyway.)

Lastly (for now at least), how do you ask for an interview with a doctor? I've never been able to figure that out, and there's no clarification on that fact in any of the books I've found. I've heard of people doing it, but I don't know how. Is that an appointment? Will insurance pay for it? If not, how much would it cost in general? What would you even ask the receptionist for when you called their office?

I do highly recommend looking into a Doula. She can be the person to go between you and the doctors/nurses, which will help when you are stuttering through a sentence. It is not that nurses don't have patience, but they may be concerned about how much time something is taking. The Doula will be your personal advocate. The Doula would also help "shield" you from the various new people.

The women's ward nurses (including all women's issues & labor/delivery) are the NICEST nurses I have ever met! (At least at the hospital I was at, but I have heard that from other women who delivered in other places.) They are very compassionate. When I left the hospital after my firstborn, I actually briefly thought about going back to school for nursing because the nurses took such good care of me. In my situation, my son had to be transferred to a NICU an hour away, and I couldn't go because of having had a C-section. The third day after, I completely broke down and the nurses just sat with me while I cried and was the biggest comfort. She was like a mommy to me at that moment.

The nurses are indeed the ones that work the most with the patients. Under normal circumstances, you will have one (maybe two) nurses who oversee you during each shift. Depending on how things go and how your health care works, you probably won't see too many nurses. The aides are the ones who will bring you food, and you only see them very briefly. You aren't expected to interact with them, and your husband can deal with them. You will probably see administration people for a few minutes when you get admitted to the hospital for delivery, but that's about it. I wouldn't worry about too many people. Yes, you will interact with many qualified people, but that doesn't mean 20 in an hour. It means 1 administration person, 1 doctor, 2-3 nurses per day (including day and night shifts), 2-3 orderlies per day.

The number of people will drastically go up *IF* there is an emergency. An emergency blows the whole plan, like I said before. But in an emergency, you will not care what is happening - you will only be concerned about your own self and the baby. Just follow directions.

Lots of women bring comfort items to the hospital. I brought my favorite pillow. Pack your favorite pajamas. A stuffed bear is completely normal. Lots of women bite on washcloths during contractions. What, really, is more comforting? A strange, impersonal washcloth, or a favorite stuffed animal from home? All women in labor are crazy. So, anything goes. A woman in labor getting wheeled down the corridor in a wheel chair holding a pink monkey is NOT going to be weird! She might be cute, or even more so, people will think "What a great idea, bringing a stuffed animal!"

I have never interviewed with a doctor - it was sufficient for me to go by others' recommendations. However, what I would do is call up and say to the receptionist, "I am looking around for doctors. I'd like to meet with the doctor first and see if he/she is a good fit. How does that work?" Interviewing the doctor is normal these days. They understand that you have choices. The receptionist can tell you how much it costs, etc. I would have a list of questions for the doctor regarding all your concerns, whether it be about Aspergers experience, or about birth plans, or about what hospital he/she delivers at, whether or not he/she will be the one to deliver the baby or if the doctor on-call will, etc.

Delivery and post-delivery feel a lot like being very sick. You just don't care. You are just existing. After the baby comes, you just want to be with the baby. Everything else is superfluous. You are in your own world. Every woman goes through this. People will come and go, and you may not even notice. They might tell you "move this way or that way" and you will just do what you are told. You will not have to come up with intelligible sentences. No one is expecting a woman in labor or post-delivery to be full of social graces. You just got beat up, for goodness sake. You are tired, you are sore. You are recovering and basking in the new life of your baby. Everyone will keep their distance as much as is medically possible. If they don't, your husband can tell them to butt out.

Nerdygirl has quite a precise mind, with the ability to remember minute details, and a very illustrative way of telling a story. She's a great addition to the site.

If you want to find an OB/GYN that is knowledgable about aspergers I would recommend contacting a local behavioral clinic and asking them who they would recommend - they may not have any ideas, but then again they might.

About the diet: There is an almost infinite number of recipes in the world existing, so find something that is nutritious and that you like. Take in mind, that every cell of your child needs to be built, by what you eat. Additional, if you lack to supply certain nutrition, the child will even "steal" it from your body, causing you to feel tired and exhausted, maybe getting teeth problems... In the times of the internet, it should not be so hard to find recipes that you like. It does not need to be superduperhealthy, and you dont need to become a food scientist, but see that you have vegetables/fruit every day, and additional a good source for calcium, iron and proteins. No need for fancy stuff, as example oldschool meat dumplings with green beans are just fine.

About the labor, there are normally two kind of contractions, the ones that are preparing you before birth and the painfuller ones that you have, when actually pressing your child out. (Normally about 1 hour.) The first ones, I did hardly feel. My baby was overdue, and so they started birth with hormones. After 1,5 days and 7 hormonpills the monitor clearly showed, that there were labor contractions, but I hardly felt anything beside a minor aching... (Midwife/Babynurse staring at the monitor, staring at me: "And you REALLY dont feel anything?") So I´d recommend you to be very attentive the weeks before your birth date, so you dont miss the signs. It was easier for me to feel the contractions, when laying a hand on my belly, then to simply "feel" them myself. About the contractions while pressing out the baby, I cant tell you. My kid was completely wrapped up in his umbilical cord, so he did not even make it down into my pelvis and finally needed to have an cesarian.

I dont know about your labor practises in your country, but around here, you normally have a room for you, and its only your partner with you and one midwife. As long as nothing bad happens, that midwife is totally enough. So if it is done otherwise in your country, I´d simply tell the hospital about your problems, and see that you can have it done similar. As long as everything is fine, there is no need for a dozend doctors and nurses, bothering you all the time. As well that you should tell your and your husbands family, if you feel stressed if all of them will rush into the hospital, the moment you get your contractions. Yes, everybody wants to see the baby, but it will be there the next days as well. On the day of my labor, only my and my partner parents visited afterwards, and only after they were told by me, that I actually felt ok with them visiting after the labor. (As well that they came one after the other, so not both parentcouples at once.)

If there are no complications, I´d try to avoid staying in the hospital for longer then a day. So find a doctor or midwife, that can visit you at home, the days afterward, to check if you and the baby are fine. I sadly had that cesarian and additional my wound got an infection, so I needed to stay in the hospital for 6 days, and that experience was the worst of all for me.