Hoping for some non-judgemental advice

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Hi, this is my first ever post - nice to meet u all

I've come on here looking for some answers. A bit about me: I have always suffered from anxiety (social and general) and slight OCD (but manageable most of the time) and have been seeing psychologists on and off for the past 8 years. It kinda goes like this: I talk to someone, we go through CBT sessions, I feel better, I stop. Then a few months later I start on the downward pattern again

Anyway, a few months ago I split up with my OH and during this time I met someone I truly connected with - he had aspergers. I say had as he no longer talks to me (long story). After this happened I began to research aspergers and found that I identified with HEAPs of the aspergers traits, particularly those found in women. I also have a father who is definitely on the ASD, although never diagnosed.

I began to wonder whether this was the piece of the puzzle that I was missing all this time?
I took some of the online tests for aspergers and got the following scores:
RAADS-R = 93
AQ =34
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 108 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 95 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits

It would seem that if I am, I am on the milder side - if at all. I'm just confused right now about whether to find out one way or the other by seeking a diagnosis.

The thing that holds me back is all my life I feel like I've been pretending to be someone I'm not - even my family, my ex OH don't know about all my issues - it is a scary prospect to 'come out' if you know what I mean.

Here's hoping for some replies xx

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Your scores appear to be mild but certain.

Good luck!

Pretty sure more or less everyone I know is thusly aware or at least marginally curious about how my strange brain works. I can't speak to your exact situation but what I do know is that life for me was considerably less scary when I opened this dialogue, my feelings may not have u-turned but I knew more about what to expect. Your results are just about the same as mine (last time I checked); it seems to me that AS can only be fully understood from the standpoint of AS. For years its' defied the vast majority of research tactics. My advice is to tell anyone you want to, just be ready for a bunch of misinformed questions. On the spectrum, many of us have been called crazy long enough that all our advice is non-judgmental. Judging people can only make us more critical of ourselves.

Concerning diagnosis, mine appeared when I was four though I'm sure I would've found out for myself eventually otherwise, from what I've seen self-diagnosed and clinically diagnosed folks all react more or less the same ways. I can't say I've ever pretended to be anyone else, to me it's more a matter of defining a persona as I go along.

Also, remember that aspergian or not, any & everyone is welcome on these boards. Except trolls.
Diagnosed or not, you'll find a rarified climate of positivity here.

Thanks AspieUtah and Cberg.

Cbeg- That's cool we have the same scores . Do you mind me asking how they picked up on it when you were younger? And does it affect your day to day life now a lot?
I have this vivid memory of being in my first year at school, I was fine in morning lessons but every lunchtime I would have a screaming/shouting tantrum despite me being the shyest kid ever- this went on for months. No-one knew why at the time...

In regards to me saying that I feel like I've been pretending to be someone I'm not, I think from what I've read, this is part of the female profile. I'm no expert, but since I've had an inkling about being this way I've kinda been obsessively reading up on it
And this again is a trait is it not? It is definitely enlightening.

I think I will try to get a formal diagnosis and tell only those I feel that are going to try to understand - I think it is important for me to know who I am as I definitely have been trying to figure that out my whole life.

Thanks for your replies

As someone diagnosed later in life (after my son was) I think it's worth considering a formal diagnosis mostly for your own closure and peace of mind. My first year was rather messy and full of ups and downs, ranging from "aha" moments when all kind of things started to make sense and finding better ways to cope with some of my "quirks", to not so good ones, full of doubt, guilt, regret and second guessing myself. I basically re-evaluated my whole life in a different light. It was worth it though.

I'm not a woman but I think most of us older ones high-functioning enough not to get diagnosed with anything, ended up "pretending to be someone we're not", both because we couldn't understand very well in what ways and how different we actually are from others and as a coping mechanism: emulating and dissimulating so we could survive and function in the "normal" world.

Keep in mind that you don't have to "come out" if you don't want to. A lot of people are quite ignorant or have the strangest ideas about autism. Give yourself some time, figure things out first and you can take it from there. Depending where you live getting diagnosed can be a long and difficult process anyway.

And yeah, welcome here and good luck!

Oops, I haven't noticed this is the woman's discussion forum, I hope you don't mind me chipping in. I see that everyone who replied is actually male

+1,000,000 to this. Not a soul in my college life knew about my diagnosis. For years I never told a single person at work, and got along just fine. Grade school was a different story (I had an "assistant" and people knew I was different right off the bat from it), but after then, I have gotten along perfectly fine without really telling anyone. I finally "came out" to the DeLorean community too, and was met with a mix of praise and criticism (yes, people actually criticized the situation, although it should be noted the worst ones have since either been banned or are no longer "active" on the forum I frequent outside of here). Taught me a good lesson that not everyone is going to be nice and kind about it, and some will try to take advantage of the situation. Depends a ton on how well you know the person and their prior experience with you.

It wasn't until I found out a coworker went to school for psychology that I decided to "have a bit of fun" and told her I had a condition found in the "DSM" ("Diagnostic and Statistical Manual" of Mental Disorders), but didn't tell her WHICH condition. After three hours of guessing, she jokingly guessed "Hypochondria", after which I told her it came before that in the alphabet. Even with that, it wasn't until tons of hints and four more hours that she guessed "autism". That's when I "came out" so to speak, but it was only to her. A week or two later I decided to tell another coworker who I consider a friend as well, but so far they are the ONLY two to know about it. Everyone else thinks I'm just some "Average Joe"-type goofy guy. Which makes for a few awkward situations when people pick up the brush I keep in my cubicle drawer and ask what it is.

Keep in mind that just because you are diagnosed does NOT mean you have to automatically tell everyone you know about it. On the contrary -- being diagnosed should do nothing except explain why you are the way you are. Who you choose to tell is entirely your decision, and you can choose to tell no one or everyone, but if I were you, I would limit it to very close family members first. Think of it as "putting 'feelers' out there", and if you have very close friends, maybe you could tell one or two of them as well. Just remember to tell those that you share it with not to tell anyone else!

Either way, good luck on your endeavors, and welcome to Wrong Planet!

I'm from the same camp as you. Didn't know until I met a man who I actually connected with and 'discovered' Aspergers and thereby found myself.

I've been the attempt at official diagnosis route, and it's up to you, but be warned that it isn't easy, especially as a 'borderline', and you know you far better than any examiner ever will. If you feel more comfortable with this self-identity than with others, you don't need a physician to put a label on it. All they stress in autism testing is 'this isn't a precise science'. It's a gut feeling kind of thing, and your gut feeling is probably the most accurate one. They also don't know everything about AS themselves. I once had a 'professional' actually inform me that I couldn't have AS because I was aware that I had no friends and cared, while someone with AS would be oblivious to that fact. (Yes, this NT doctor was under the impression that people with AS and ASD actually lacked emotions...) They especially don't always recognize the 'female' version of AS. We don't look 'typical', what they're used to seeing, which is how we went undiagnosed in the first place. And as several doctors have told me, our IQs complicate matters, since we can to some extent compensate, or at least 'appear' to be functioning when what we're really doing is acting/copying. Like you said, pretending to be someone we're not, often with too much success for our own good.

Anyway, my point was that 'Aspie' is an identity, a culture, much the same way 'Deaf' is. If that's what feels 'right' to you, feel free to go with it. Research Aspergers and Girls yourself and see if it fits. Don't worry about test scores and other people's assessments. Like every other cultural identity, find out for yourself. You're the one who knows what's going on in your head and heart. And don't be too afraid. The benefits to your anxiety and personal mental health of just being yourself at last far outweigh the short-term stress of 'coming out'.

PM me if you want to talk, (I'm good at listening, if not at eye contact ) and welcome to the club.