divorced women as friends when you are in a relationship

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So I have really had a rough relationship and of course, I continue to attempt to make things work. Partly due to the fact that I have an AS son, I live away from my family, I lost my job and homeschool my son…so I am pretty much up the creek right now.

I have noticed that as a whole, although I have both married and divorced women as friends, the majority of the divorced women are incredibly cruel. They come to me for support in their own BS, but when I attempt to do the same, they could are less…as a matter of fact, they seem to think I need to shut up and be happy since my husband "is so wonderful". I started to sense with one or two that they treated my HUSBAND better than me and me very poorly. Of course, most of them didn't put up with 1/10 of the crap I have put up with and ONLY choose to see the good things my husband now does…

Honestly, I hardly had female friends growing up as I always felt they were extremely jealous most of the time. I even had quite a few of my male friends tell me that X person, whom I thought was my friend, was not truly my friend, they were just using me, etc…Now I feel just lost.

Why do women act this way? It truly sickens me…I have pretty much lost most of my girl friends, including my sister, cause I am SICK AND TIRED of their BS pity BS with my husband.

Do you find the same NON-support from other women/divorced/single friends as you do from married girlfriends or guys? I can't do this anymore...

I don't know why women do this s**t, but I do find that they do it a lot. Always women who are not happy with their own lot in life.

If they are married and miserable and trying to make it work, they want you to be married and miserable and trying to make it work. They want you to be able to fix their problems but continue suffering with your own, maybe because if they are happier than you are then they have "won," I don't know.

If they are single and miserable, then they are jealous of you (even if you are also miserable). Also possible that they're eyeballing up your man, wondering if they can take him and thinking that they will "do a better job" than you and get treated better (stupidity, utter stupidity-- I wonder how many millions of women have stolen a man from another woman only to be livid and shocked when he turns out to be unfaithful).

Look for women who are truly happy (content, satisfied, "happy enough") with their own lives (as opposed to ones who are forcing themselves to be happy or to say they are happy).

Good luck finding one of those. You will turn over many rocks.

My female friends: A bitter, twice-divorced man-hating bisexual feminazi. A bitter single mother (who does exactly what you describe, especially when drunk). Two cousins and a cousin's wife (more like sisters, and we have the same problems there too). A "woman" who is so much younger I could have baby-sat her. A woman who is old enough to be my mother (if I'd been a "change-of-life baby").

I feel much more comfortable with men. Of course, there we run into the Married Woman Issue. Even if they're not trying to get in my pants, they have an "outie" and I have and "innie" and people make assumptions (and people's assumptions become a married woman's problem).

Don't answer the phone when these women call. They are selfish and you don't need their negativity.

thanks for the replies…been thinking and trying to get more people out of my life...

Tell me about it. With other women, there are too many nuances for me to keep up with. I am just not quite on the same wavelength with the majority of them, and it's rare to meet the exceptions. When I was younger, I was just one of the guys really. Not so much anymore.

Yes, I've found that with certain people too. I've decided to cut them out of my life and look for people who are content with who they are and don't feel the need to validate themselves by tearing other people down. It's taken a few years, but I am now in a place where I have some positive people in my life.

I'm single, but I've found divorced women to be a bit snarky and negative towards me as well. It's like I'm not allowed to get into a relationship or if I express a desire to or mention that there is a man that I like they tell me that I don't know what I'm asking for and it will all be awful and end in divorce and that I won't be happy. It is like they want me to be as miserable as them. It's really scared me off marriage to be honest.

One of my best friends is a divorced woman. Nothing negative from her!

If they have bitterness due to the divorce, they can cause problems for you knowingly or unknowingly. Some plant seeds of discord to make you second guess your marriage or if you complain about your husband to them, they see this as if you pity them and your complaining will make them feel better about their lack of a husband. They resent this. Basically, it's a good idea to stay away from people who have had a recent imbalance in their life in order to maintain balance in your life.

this thread really bothers me, it perpetuates the stigma of divorce that makes it harder for people to leave abusive marriages.

There's cultural backdrop to the wider issues. As a sex, women still - as they did historically - lack confidence in themselves relative to men (yes, of course there are exceptions). However in general men have higher confidence levels in their self-worth and abilities. There are still a lot of stereotypes that reinforce this lack of confidence, still, particularly media stereotypes - eg genius men are generally seen as successful because they are brilliant, while genius women are seen as successful because of hard work - this undermines the confidence of all women to some latent extent. Women are far more prone to being bombarded with "you are never good enough" messages from the media - too fat, too thin, too smart, too ambitious, always too something.

The upshot of that is that women turn on women, unfortunately, some taking out the hurt of the perceived self-deficits (which may not even exist) by trying to diminish other women - to bring others down rather than pulling themselves up.

However there are very significant exceptions and I have met some very twisted married women (not many thank goodness) and some single women who were their equals in hostility.

Hostile people are damaged and they generally express the damage by trying to damage others. Delete them from your life, but don't tar all women with the same brush, or you will risk not meeting some companion souls who can be affirmative and loving friends whatever their relationship status. Discriminating on the basis of single/married is just another potential "ism" and you need to look wider than that, at character, not relationship status, in choosing friends.

Yeah, with "friends" like these, you don't need enemies. Cut them off and move on.

I don't have a large social circle - I have *one* female friend that I have had since third grade who is the *only* one I can trust with my life or my kids. I have made a few others here and there, but the majority of my e-friends tend to be other Mums also raising kids with autism or special needs. Even here, I have found women with entitlement issues and / or expecting me to make all the effort. As in, when they are are having a bad day, they want me to lend them my ear, but GOD FORBID I expect them to reciprocate in any way / shape / form when I am having a bad day (and I tend to have quite a few of them these days with my son's behaviours). I don't know why women - including grown women - pull this crap. Whatever happened to ensuring that a "friendship" worked both ways ? And marital / relationship status has had NOTHING to do with it. Some of these women are married, some are divorced / never-married, a couple are widowed - they ALL pull this crap.

I was a tomboy growing up, and men seem a bit better. Unfortunately, you can't really expect "emotional support" from men (including your brothers / husband), as they tend to want to fix the problem to make it go away - when what you really need is blessed release aka someone to hold your hand while you vent your guts out. My brother is especially annoying in this regard. I'd call him up to vent / complain and all he wants to know is how he can "fix it". ARGH ! Also, there are some men who can be just as clueless as women - expecting you to make the effort 100% of the time - so guess this is really a human trait. My other brother wanted me to call him all the damn time - aien't happening - and would act all angry and surprised when I didn't call him for weeks ! Pick up the damn phone and call your sister once in a while. You won't die from making the effort.

I am rambling now, so will cut to the chase. What has really helped me is having a private blog where I rant / scream / wail / bemoan my fate. Writing is cathartic, it lets you spill your emotions out and gives you good release, even if the only "listener" is your own self. No one reads my blog anymore except me but, even so, I do delete some posts as soon as I write them and / or never publish some posts, leaving them there as drafts. I still get my release and am able to move on. There are days I make multiple posts on my blog and days when things are going smoothly, but it works well for me so far.

You may want to look into something similar. Ultimately, you are your own best friend. C'est la vie.

Good point. We really shouldn't be tarring all people from one group with the same brush. Let me redress the balance by mentioning a divorced friend of mine who is one of the nicest people you will ever meet and not at all bitter. She is definately a positive influence in my life.