Might be Dating an Aspie......

Post Reply New Topic

I have come to the realization that I might be dating a female Aspie. She is 38, never been married or engaged, seems to have few (if any) friends, exceedingly smart, works in a similar job to mine, is incredibly youthful looking to the point I did not recognize her even when she came up and said hi (looks about 25!) and writes very formal emails. She was also VERY blunt and upfront about what she was looking for (what a refreshing change!) and even mentioned on the first date that she doesn't like eating dinner so late but it's ok: something seemingly thoughtless I have blurted out! When I told how hard it is to believe someone like her would not have been scooped up she gave an answer that was almost word for word what I tell dates that ask me about just not having any luck finding a suitable partner.

What really caught my attention though and made me doubt she was Aspie (she contacted me on eHarmony) was that SHE NEVER SMILES in her pictures and looks like a prison inmate (granted, a good looking inmate!). She did smile in person and I have enjoyed our conversations but when I ask her about interests or passions, she literally goes blank and asks if she can think about it. I've always been under the understanding that unlike us males, female Aspies were generally very expressive even if awkward.

My questions to the women here would be assuming she is Aspie (I would say it's very likely she is) what is the best way to make someone that age comfortable and get her to open up? She seems very stand-off-ish in person (but not on the phone) and I dated an Aspie and got the exactly same vibes from her as well so it may just be anxiety or nerves. Do any WP/Aspie women have a "dead" looking face in pictures? I do want to make her feel comfortable because she seems to have everything I'm looking for even with the age gap. It would be a dream come true to be in a relationship or even a platonic friendship with someone who doesn't have hidden meanings or agendas and says exactly what is on their mind!

Ask her what she's REALLY interested in. React to that. Then she'll react to you. You've gotten her attention.

I actually did do that and she was very wishy-washy with her response, talking about music and art (yes, another female Aspie trait!). I just can't figure out it she is just nervous or disinterested. No wonder I am still single: I probably give off the exact same vibes!

Very clever of her also not to give much personal information on interests right away, its a f*****g trap when someone shows an interest in you, you give too much away with can lead to the other faking the same interests (for a while)
Lately, seeing old photos of myself, I remembered that when I got dental braces I stopped laughing or even speaking, I had that thing quite a couple of years, so eventually that changed me too.

My God, I know that SO well. I get it almost all the time. I quite like her strategy too - I think I'll take that on.

GHF: A lot of aspies I've met don't smile in their photos. I don't know why. You get quiet, aloof female aspies and very expressive, intense ones. And you get those who are a mixture of both (me for example).

It could *possibly* be that she doesn't want to open up too soon in case you dislike her, or something. I don't know. When men show interest in me, it's because at first I'm very distant and aloof, and as soon as I open up - bam, it's over.

I can have quite an expressionless face, but if I smile, my whole face lights up, because of the contrast between my blank face and a smile. If I'm angry, you see it lol. It's like an intense blank face, but with thunder added.

Wow, I never even considered that option but yes, she could be holding back specifics for that reason. One thing I have learned meeting women in the dating game is that men aren't all pure, honest and transparent like I am. Like I've said countless times, I was very naive as a child and projected my honesty and purity onto others especially those who appeared 'nice' at first so I can relate. Looking back, my first ex pretty much had the same interests I did. I was blown away at how amazingly similar we were: almost like God himself matched us up..... until I read about Borderline Personality Disorder.

Her profile did mention something along the lines of "I take a while to warm up to people but actually have a great sense of humor". Given that she did not resist the two kisses and long almost-bear-hug-like embrace I gave her, that's probably a sign she is warming up not that she isn't into me. I should point out that this is not a case of me wanting to see if she is Wife material exclusively: she seem to be someone who 'gets' me and would be a great friend and ally to have, especially since many of my friends are women.

I suppose it's hard not to take it personally but after being with a psychotic woman I can understand being cautious around an athletic 6'6" male stranger on your first ever online date. I also see the local library has Rudy Simone's book about Asperger Women and will definitely be giving that a read!

I don't see exchanging interests as a "trap." I see it as a way of establishing commonality.

Dating should not be a boxing match where the opponents "feel each other out."

Even if one doesn't obtain romance from the dialogue, one could certainly obtain productive friendship.

That's the problem kraftie, it's not exchanging interests. If they were, and were genuine about it, I would like that a lot.

Men do pretend to be interested in my interests. They try to find similarities in things which are polar opposites of them. That's what annoys me. They're really obvious about it too.

I mean for instance, a really social guy who loves people, who when talking to me notices that I'm quiet/distant, and so he tells me he doesn't like people and prefers his own company. Yet he talks to everyone around him and is never on his own, has tons of friends and is out with them every night.

Or me telling a man that I was psycho crazy (to see his reaction) - he pretended he was a councillor and understood my problems. He also made up a story about his ex whacking him with a frying pan.

Another was a man who said he was in a similar situation as me regarding noisy neighbours. His situation was that he WAS the noisy neighbour. I kept telling him it wasn't remotely similar to my situation and he just tried to blab his way out of it.

I mean really, what's the point when men are going to lie to me about who they are? It means they don't really want me for me, it means anyone will do for them, they'll just make it up as they go along. Blegh.

so can guys do the same then on the date no one talks about them self and you date for weeks never getting to know each other?

I get the fear but like i said above it only works one sided which seems unfair. looking back women have likely faked sharing my interest but if i dont tell them then how will I ever find one who really does like my interests.

as for men lying. I try to learn and become involved in a womans interest is that the same? cause I'm interested in them and want to share their interests, though I can't all the time like doll hobbies was one, I don't get it and so i just listened about it. dolls creep me out and I don't get collecting things of non practical use.

always a chance someone will lie or fake an interest, not even limited to dating, friends do this alot too. but if you don't share your interest how are we to find people who share them. I don't share mine more out of shame. I get the trust issues though as I have them too.

as for op just got to go slow and hope she opens up more, though I personally wouldn't be able to put up with a onsided relationship like that for too long. went on a date once where she wouldn't talk about her interests at all and anwsered every question with nope i don't like _____" to everything.

As an update, I took her out last night. She didn't have much to say but I made the assumption she was just nervous and overwhelmed (like an Aspie would be). Once I took her hand to help her down an icy sidewalk and kissed her goodnight she suddenly had a big smile and invited me to her place tonight. In my past life, I would have written her off in 5 minutes but thanks to what I have learned in WP, I gave her a chance. I am glad I did!

Even if it doesn't work out romantically, she seems like someone I can really be myself around. A rare feat for an Aspie!

Have you considered that, if she has AS, then her standoffishness etc might not be due to being shy or scared, but just having poor social skills?

To answer your question: the only thing that gets me to open up to someone is time. Unless I know them well enough, I just see no reason to say much to them, and I have no idea what to say to them anyway.

Yes, I believe you are 100% correct. I don't think she realizes she comes across that way and if she does, it is definitely unintentional. I visited her place yesterday and she practically leaped into my arms so it's obvious she is into me. She has gradually gotten more and more open with me to the point we just held hands in silence and had a great evening. I have never felt more comfortable around someone so quickly!

I honestly can't see any other explanation except she is on the spectrum. Just like I read here about Aspies looking young, she even got IDed at the bar and the bartender even said "I REALLY want to know your secret". She is exceptionally beautiful but like many female Aspie has anxiety and poor self-image issues. As for the lack of smiling, let's just say she was smiling the whole time we were together yesterday.

I also added her on facebook and she is the only "friend" I have with less "friends" than I. It's definitely strange being the more social and outgoing person in a relationship of any kind! I look forward to seeing where this goes.

Seems like you have a great thing going...keep up the good work!

It may be, too, that her standoffishness is/was due to her being unsure you like her. When you took her hand, that answered her question. My guess is when she *knew* that you liked her, she relaxed and began to warm up.

The aloofness can be a standing back and assessing, assessing, assessing. What is going on here? Does this guy like me or not? And not wanting to "show one's cards" before knowing. Being too vulnerable without knowing it is safe can lead to disastrous results.

I, for one, rarely smile. There are only a few people in my life that have naturally brought out a smile in me. I have been introduced before by someone saying, "She's really nice - she just doesn't smile."

I might write more later. Gotta go do something now.

Fast forward to today and we are formally in a relationship. I am still not sure if she is Aspie or not: seems to have some traits but nowhere near my extent. Of course, it goes without saying I am obsessed with how she has never had a serious relationship and how she seemed to be very timid in the bedroom. I have to admit even though I accept her being shy and introverted, its difficult to deal with the lack of direct, positive feedback. I am probably a little paranoid since the last woman I dated literally walked out on me for no apparent reason.

I did tell her I loved her and she did not say it back. However, she does seem to be drawing increasingly closer to me. I do know men tend to fall harder and faster in love so I am not terribly concerned about that. If she is Aspie, I can see why we all struggle in relationships: it's hard not to feel you are giving mixed messages even though it is likely she is very into me and doesn't want to blow it, especially since I could possibly be her last chance at starting a family. It is strange being the outgoing one in ANY relationship that is for sure! I grew up with a very outgoing mother and brother and what few friends I had were far more social than me.

Oh, and I have seen that smile plenty of times now. She just tells me she finds it difficult to do a "fake" smile. Sounds pretty Aspie like to me!

One thing I've found:

People who are "timid" in the bedroom at first tend to be REALLY WILD in the bedroom once they get comfortable.