How to be more myself

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Hi,

I am 37 and always felt I was different. When I was 6 my mum took me to a specialist and said I was different than other kids but she was told I'd grow out of it. She then spent quite a lot of time and energy to teach me how to behave, sometimes intimidating me in front of other kids...
I kind of adjusted, and I think people who don't know me well can't really notice anything. I am ok at work most of the time but my social life is almost non existant. And whatever I am trying to do about it, doesn't really work.

I don't know who I am... that is apparently normal for women with undiagnosed Asperger. But then, what do I do with this?

I realized lately that some unproductive behaviours I engage in were in fact to help me hide my inability to connect with people. Like for example I have an unsolved problem, but I manage quite fine with it, and then just before going to a social even I decide I need to sort it out now, which of course doesn't work and I go to that event and tell everyone that I am upset because of that problem, so that they could excuse my poor interaction.

Or I am nice and things are going well but there is no progress. Other people make friends, I'm being left on my own... till someone decides to 'teach me' how to be more confident. And I don't feel not confident, I just usually don't really want to talk. Or I don't want to talk the way they do.

How to get out of that?

It is important to accept yourself -- whoever that is, was, and is to be. Find the real you, and evolve that person. Nothing you feel or are is wrong. There is a place for the real you in the world. It isn't necessary to be like everyone else -- they are likely copying someone they admire. Too few people are displaying their true self (especially women), because it is scary, feels vulnerable, and the risk of rejection seems high.

Think about who you are trying to impress -- are they worth the effort and time? Will it be sustainable? Your true self will come out in times of stress or fatigue anyway, so why not allow her to live OUT all the time. The more you allow your real self out, the more evolved she can become. If you don't practice being the real you, how can she get better at anything?

How do you figure out who you are?
Many people 'find their self' in various ways: traveling, college, various work experiences, volunteering, books/movies about people you most want to be like (real or fiction), trying different hobbies out, ... etc. There is no one way to eat a Reese's AND no one way to find who you are.

I find this hard too and I imagine a lot of "us" feel this way.

I can be fine at work, even social and bubbly. I then go home with a sinking feeling - I feel I've been too loud or over shared.

At home I am likely to be quiet or grumpy: a very different persona.

I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes. Too many masks ? I of course really know they are both me but it doesn't always feel that way.

Used to think (only half seriously!) that I was bipolar. Depression didn't fit either as I don't have the other issues associated with that.

Now I understand it's AS which is a bit depressing cause I can't fix that! I am trying to accept it though.

(Disclaimer: I'm not diagnosed, have only recently discovered I might be on the spectrum, and am here to try to figure things out)

Just wanted to say that I totally relate, especially to what Darcygirl writes about being one person at work and another at home. I've "tried on" personalities throughout my life, and thought I had it nearly figured out when, last year, I got hit by a bout of depression that only this summer really began to lift. The more I read about ASD, especially in females, I realize this is probably what is called being a social chameleon, i.e., changing my personality according to who I'm engaging socially with. There are only a very few people in my life I don't feel I'm "acting" in front of.

I'm currently in part-time education where my class meets up every now and again, and the rest is home study. During our class meetings, I'm bubbly, loud, talk a lot, raise my hand all the time in class (though I have to sit at the top left near a wall!), but when I get home, I mentally beat myself up for beint TOO loud, TOO talkative, TOO present. I got a comment from a classmate who said good-humoured, ironically about me that I was SO anonymous in class, and we laughed (because I'm definitely not), but this comment has stuck with me and I over-analyze it. Last class meetup I actually didn't go, because I was exhausted from work at the farm etc, but I suspect that deep down I probably didn't want to deal with being loud and bubbly on top of being tired from work.

Anyway, this probably wasn't helpful at all, haha. I just wanted to say something along the lines of "I hear you, sister".