not being your real self

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Hi I'm a self diagnosed woman on the spectrum (I'm content with that and not seeking diagnosis as I don't think it would make a difference to my life now) I am married with two young children, both autistic. When my eldest got his diagnosis it obviously triggered vast amounts of research on my part and I have realised that I am also on the spectrum. It's been an emotional realisation for me as its given way to self acceptance on my part which I never thought I'd feel. I've always hated myself ever since I can remember, just hated everything about myself that's weird, the way I look (do I look normal to other people?!), my social awkwardness (one minute incapable of looking someone in the eye, the next over sharing or being obnoxiously loud), my obsessions (I don't ever remember not being obsessed with something) and when I was a teenager at secondary school I just hid it. I think after my first job interview which was so painful I couldn't even look at the interviewer. I just forced myself to look at people in the eyes, forced myself to hide my weird obsessions. Just generally put on a front, this is how I cope and it makes my life much easier when dealing with others. Thing is, I feel like I've sort of lost the real me in a way. I know I'm still there, but I'm married with kids now!
I met a woman about a year ago who I completely think is the best, she even has one of my obsessions (anime and manga) which I never reveal to anyone!! She has no friends except me and never looks me in the eye properly, she reminds me of myself but if I had just carried on being me. I thought the other day, I've revealed more of myself to Hannah than I think I even had to my husband! That's terrible I know. I love my husband so much and I have told him how my thought process has been going and he sort of just invalidates me straight away saying "everyone's like that" or something. Well I have been letting out my crazy (sorry but internally I call it "hiding my crazy") for a few months now at home and with my friend but I still hide it around everyone else, I feel so much happier and less stressed. Would my life be different if I'd never hidden it? I bet it would, I probably wouldn't be married or have my awesome boys.
I don't really know what the point of this is, I guess I just wanted to let it out. I don't think I would be happier if I had never put up my front, but I can't help wondering if I'd been diagnosed in childhood would I have achieved self acceptance a long time ago and saved myself a lot of anxiety. I remember being referred to an educational psychologist at school and my mum putting a stop to it.
I have heard it's quite common for people to realise this after having kids on the spectrum as the diagnostic criteria was narrower all those years ago and the "wait and see" approach was favoured.
Any other women on here with similar stories?

Hi Miffle

I'm a bit like you in so far as I have the mask up a lot and am married with kids. My husband recognises that I've always been a bit odd so is a bit more accepting but he still doesn't like it if I give in to what you call the crazyness.

I describe it as my Aspie and sometimes it feels like she's screaming to get out and then other days she skipping along beside me. However I'm never really happy or relaxed as my natural state is anxious - I can always find something to be worried about - easy with kids, full time job and a husband to take care of right?

Miffle, I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth (down to letting out the crazy), except I really want to pursue a diagnosis even though I'm older- I was told I definitely have a lot of autistic traits, but didn't get a formal diagnosis yet. I also have children, 5 & 2. I feel like I could be more myself before we had kid, but I don't really show the real me even to my husband anymore. No one wants to see it, and I feel I need to hide it for my children's sake, so they can have friends, etc. My husband is also dismissive.
I feel like referring to to it as "the crazy" helps the hubbs/others understand better, but it also makes me really angry to have to refer to the real me as crazy. I'm not crazy, and if I could get a diagnosis I could prove it.

Darcygirl, it's interesting to me that you've said you're not sure you're really happy. I went off and just let my story out in this post but the original point was to reflect if I really am happy and if I would have been more so just living a solitary life. This is of course a moot point as I have made choices up to now and I love my family so much, especially my children. But I find life in general very stressful and filled with anxiety, I am literally never alone and I really feel like I need alone time to regroup in my head. It is difficult to always hold myself back a bit, I even have to do this around my husband! I guess I am my real self around my sons, but they come with their own stresses as anyone with kids will know. My 2 year old is pre verbal but my 4 year old is just giving out a constant stream of echolalia and scripted language and it is tiring!
Mels it does indeed seem like we have the same experiences! Even our children are around the same age. I don't know why I don't feel the need for diagnosis. I know it sounds stupid but I guess I can't bring myself to go to the doctor. I suffer from social anxiety in certain situations and I can imagine it flaring up if I were to go to the doctor for this. I just know I'd be told I'm an attention seeking hypochondriac and I just can't face that. I actually feel sick right now thinking about it!! I feel like I'm an intelligent person and I obviously know my own brain best. I know I'm right and I don't need anyone else to tell me. Having said that, I guess that's just because I'm keeping up the mask, if I were to show my real self all the time then it would be useful to have an explanation to give normos. I have noticed lots of people on here call themselves "aspies", I thought Asperger's syndrome was not a diagnosis given anymore and it all falls under ASDs? Aspie sounds much nicer than crazy though so I'll just take that one for my internal monologue
Again sorry this is so long I can't stop once I start talking...

I was diagnosed with Aspergers and I queried the validity of that with my GP as I also thought it wasn't official because of the new criteria. My GP explained that Aspergers is still used (I'm in the UK).

My diagnosis hasn't helped other than it allows me to feel honest when I say I have Aspergers; without it I felt I wouldn't be believed it or I would be dishonest using the term.

I find its harder as my kids get older - but I used to have more meltdowns when they were little. I don't melt down so much now but I don't seem to have much fun - just don't have the time or energy.... Wine makes me happy but that's not a solution!

Yup, same here.

When my son was 2-3 and he would have a meltdown or just do what he wanted, my father would say "hey, he's just like you". When my son was diagnosed at 5 1/2, my husband told the psychologist "give whatever you give him to my wife, she does all of those things".

Looking back, I was in special ed in 4th grade briefly, but taken out. Prior to that my mother took me to a psychologist to FIX me, but never followed up. Every time we moved, it was a major cause of stress for me vs my sister. The list goes on and on and on.

I pretended for some years, but not very well. I had just a couple of girlfriends growing up and mostly boys who were friends, they understood me and I understood them. After moving out on my own, I had peace and was myself, but because I had peace, it was much easier to be me and not be so stressed out vs when I lived at home or with others.

The more I learn about AS, the less I care and the happier I am being just me. Whoever doesn't like it can get out of my life. There are many things I don't like about people, yet I never make them change their views, etc. to please me. If they can't accept me for me, then I can't accept them for them either. The years I have left, I will spend it with my son and those who understand me, the rest can get out of my life.