Books or articles about ceasing masking?

Post Reply New Topic

I wonder whether there are books or articles or anything useful for autistic women (probably mainly for those who were late diagnosed) to overcome masking? The question might sound a bit queer, but "how to be myself when after decades of masking I don't know who I am anymore" type of books or advises, personal success stories are what I'm looking for. How did you girls managed to find who you are.

I'm not sure how helpful my experience will be.....

I have always found masking exhausting, so I only did it in bursts just to survive (mostly at job interviews and when interfacing with clientele).

As soon as I was alone in my cube, mask down.

As soon as I was off the clock, mask down.

I'm not sure how effective masking truly was for me anyway, as co workers still seemed to dislike me and try to arrange traps to hurt me or make me look unprofessional.

I managed to survive that job until they laid me off, but all of those years I genuinely felt that my co workers hated me and wanted me to leave the company (either via quitting or dying).

I hope your experiences are not anywhere near as bad as mine have been.

A good therapist may also be able to help. Therapists can be all over the place, so don't be afraid to keep looking until you find one who is helpful to you.

I hope you find more help and resources

If you genuinely don't know who you are anymore, masking itself is likely not the problem; your personality is probably the cause.

What I mean is that some people have weak psychological boundaries and get so involved in whatever role they are playing that they lose sight of themselves. This is not something that is specific to masking nor autism.

And the reason I say it's not specific to masking autistic traits is because of experiences like those of the person who commented above me. I have the same experience: masking is exhausting, so it's easy to distinguish the mask from my true self. Masking is too exhausting to do continually, so there have been plenty of times (especially as I matured) when I was being myself, and that's how I know who I am.

So I cannot answer your question based on personal experience, but I do suggest that you look into general (not just autism-specific) psychology or self-help information about being out of touch with oneself.

It's a complicated topic, it's not that easy to just drop the mask - because the mask was developed for a purpose, it's a kind of survival mechanism.

So first you have to go right back in time to when you started developing the mask and remember what happened to you to force you to develop it in the first place. This can be a bit traumatic because it involves memories of past hurts that were strong enough to make you hide parts of yourself away.

After that you need to look at those hidden parts of yourself and consider whether you really want them exposed enough to risk facing the same kind of hurts all over again. This can also be somewhat difficult as it will expose parts of yourself you (used to) feel ashamed of - forcing you to addressing any internalised ableism in how you judge yourself. But it can be great for self-acceptance once you identify how much of your "bad behaviour" was down to your inherent brain wiring.

After going through the above process, you are ready to try dropping the mask, at least around those you trust. However you're going to need to be confident in your ability to explain what you are doing and why, and not to take any flak about the "new you". Because I can pretty much guarantee the new you is not going to be as socially acceptable as the old.

I'm not trying to be negative, I think it may be a process worth going through, as long as you don't expect it to be easy. I'm not there yet, either, I'm working my way through. But at the least, you may find as I have that increased knowledge of the natural behaviours you are masking helps you to make conscious decisions on whether or not to apply the mask in certain situations. Whereas before it was all subconscious.

Hope my thoughts help somewhat.
I wrote that because I don't think there are any good references on this topic, it's just down to ourselves to work our way through.

Thank you ladies, the answers really made me think what exactly I was talking about.

@starkid: You are right, a big part of my problem is probably not masking anymore, but changing my personality to fit in or feel accepted, loved. It's more drastical in dating situations.

On the other hand in other situations I really do mask and it's exhausting. So I washed two problems together, thank you for pointing it out!

@MrsPeel: This is a very good advice! Incidentally I found some of my maskings I wasn't aware of and thankfully the memory from the past partnered up with the revelation. It was stimming and rocking, yeah, those might not be good to expose But I will dig into others territories and let's see what I'll find.

I read Pretending to be Normal by Liane Holliday Willey and Tony Attwood and Knowing Why: Adult-Diagnosed Autistic People on Life and Autism by Elizabeth Bartmess.

Pretending to be Normal is a first person perspective of a woman who goes into great detail about she masked her autism for most of life throughout high school and into adulthood. It then goes into how she sought out an autistic diagnosis and started to find ways to accommodate herself and stop masking. I personally didn't relate a lot to the writer, but I know the book is highly recommended and many people find it helpful.

The second book, Knowing Why in my opinion was better. It is a volume of short essays by autistic adults who learn to accept their autism, face ableism, and work with their strengths. All of the writer's received their diagnosis as an adult and explain how either getting a formal diagnosis or thoughtful self-diagnosis helped them gain a better understanding of themselves. I found some stories to me were more relatable than others, but I always found something to relate to in each one.

Other books I have purchased but haven't read yet which deal with the same topic are I Overcame my Autism and all I got was this Lousy Anxiety Disorder and by Sarah Kurchak and Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet.

Thank you @GameCube, I'm checking them!