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Non Sequitur
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24 Jun 2019, 4:48 pm

Evening,

So, I'm nearly forty and living in the UK. Never have functioned well socially. My mother (with the benefit of hindsight) was definitely on-spectrum. My feckless alcoholic of a father lives a long way from me and I could see similarities between us. I never wanted anything to do with him because I couldn't square the circle of knowing I had more in common with him than anyone else, when I hated who he was as a person. More recently he's had serious heart problems, so he's had to stop messing around and drinking. We've had a bit of reconciliation since my mum died a couple of years ago. Mum had a degenerative illness, so there was no time or energy for introspection. Dad astonished me by having the first BS free conversation I think we've ever had. He said that autism didn't really exist in his day (he's in his 70s) but that based on what he had seen of my facebook posts, he thought I might be affected. He said he'd never had any real friends. This hit me because I remember him as being the guy constantly propping up a bar and being sociable. He didn't fit my idea of what ASD looked like at all. Then he told me booze was the only way he could socialise, which swiftly became addictive.

I think this is going to become a bit of an autobiography but writing helps me to organise my thoughts. Thank you in advance for tagging along.

My mum was an intelligent, educated woman but possessed zero 'common sense.' As a child I had no clue whatsoever why she chose to stay with an alcoholic womaniser who got violent when he had a 'meltdown.' Now I finally know that they had ASD in common and so she found it really hard to connect with anyone else. She never had another long term relationship.

So all my memories of my parents are now being reframed, which is like losing her all over again. It breaks my heart to know that my mum never got the chance to understand why she was so deeply unhappy and devoid of motivation. Why she struggled socially and felt ostracised. Why she had meltdowns that made her convinced she was a shitty mother, when the reality was she was doing her best.

I'm reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone, which is proving very useful. I'm a support worker in social care so I've loads of experience with the low functioning end of the spectrum. I can't believe it took me so long to realise. Forty years of my life believing I was the pointless fuck-up of a pair of pointless fuck-ups. I've probably got ten years before I get the same illness my mother had, for which I've been genetically screened.

I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I don't even want to open my eyes in the morning, let alone do anything. I swing between that feeling and the self-loathing caused my squandering the time I do have.

This is complicated by the fact my fiancé doesn't think I'm on spectrum. He thinks I'm seeing things that aren't there because of the people I work with. He is very leery of self-diagnosis. He doesn't understand executive dysfunction, he thinks I'm lazy and make excuses, so I want an excuse for being lazy. He's very organised and constantly on-the-go.

So I'm really struggling at the moment. The house has gone to rat-shit, I'm barely achieving basic self-maintenance and I'm barely functioning at work. Something has to give, while I still have a job. I just don't know what.

Thanks for reading. :heart:



kraftiekortie
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24 Jun 2019, 5:51 pm

Hello. And nice to meet you.

Are you 100% certain you will get this particular illness you mentioned?

It's hard working with "low-functioning" autistic children. It keeps things in perspective; perhaps this is why your house is so messy? How bad it it, really? Dishes in the sink? Rubbish piling up? Or is it just that you have too much stuff with so little space?

It sounds like your dad is coming around after a lifetime of being an alcoholic. He's found it he's sick of all that crap. And I'm glad you're talking to him.

Are you taking care of your mother at present?



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24 Jun 2019, 6:04 pm

Kraftiekortie. She mentioned her Mum had passed away.

Non Sequitur. Hang on in there. Don't give up. Yes, get yourself assessed. It is nothing short of a miriacle your dad has come off the alcohol. You have your dad back.
Is quite a bit thing to find you may be on on the spectrum. Take it easy... Then start asking questions like I have in here. I have had shock after shock after shock and it was only by chance I came in here.


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Non Sequitur
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24 Jun 2019, 6:34 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Hello. And nice to meet you.

Are you 100% certain you will get this particular illness you mentioned?


Yes. Mum had Huntington's Disease, which is a dominant genetic trait. I was born with 50/50 risk, a genetic coin toss. I've had genetic blood testing which says I have the same faulty bit of DNA and that I'm likely to get symptoms at around the same time of life my mum did. With the benefit of hindsight this was slightly earlier than her 50s but her general lack of social skills makes it difficult to pinpoint.

Quote:
It's hard working with "low-functioning" autistic children. It keeps things in perspective; perhaps this is why your house is so messy? How bad it it, really? Dishes in the sink? Rubbish piling up? Or is it just that you have too much stuff with so little space?


I work with adults who have learning disabilities in a residential setting. About half of them are on-spectrum. I truly wish it was dishes in the sink. My house is filthy. I've done little more than laundry, washing dishes and wiping sides in the year we've lived here. I can't even do logically important s**t like send a claim to my pet insurer for treatment had a couple of months ago. My finances in general are horrendous. I can't even be bothered to wash myself that often. I have zero motivation. I spend half my free time playing games on my mobile phone or on facebook. I just don't have normal, adult, self control. My Dave is currently doing 70% of the housework and that's growing by the day. My middle name should be procrastinate. Have to make myself wash my hands after using the toilet because it would be an infection risk to my patients. It's not even a normal reflex. I'll sit in the bath on the phone for an hour before I bother washing myself, when I am perfectly aware I have masses of s**t to do. I'm late for work every single day, despite being on a warning. The ten minutes before I leave the house are utterly chaotic. I can't deal with mail. I have about 3000 unread emails. I should be going to a genetics clinic that I do not have it in me to even ask for a referral for. I'm drowning.

Quote:
It sounds like your dad is coming around after a lifetime of being an alcoholic. He's found it he's sick of all that crap. And I'm glad you're talking to him.


My mother's illness lasted 20 years, three of which she spent in a care home. My dad phones on birthdays and sends a xmas text. That's it. I didn't want to go up north and start giving a f**k about him just so he could die on me too. I didn't want to be manipulated into caring for him. It's great that he's near death enough to start acting like a human being but that doesn't negate everything he did. People exist on spectrum without being a***holes. He knew it was just my sister and I caring for our mother with an illness we were likely to get... and he still didn't give a s**t. I can't forget that stuff or let it go, no matter how much my sister tells me it's to my own detriment.



ASPartOfMe
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24 Jun 2019, 7:23 pm

Welcome to the wrong planet, I wish it were under better circumstances but probably most of our members join under bad circumstances.

FYI men are allowed to post in this section as long as they do not abuse the privilege.

The way to deal with seemingly overwhelming problems exacerbated by executive dysfunction is to break things down into a lot of small steps and hyperfocus on fixing them instead of thinking about the "big picture".

I do agree that you should get professional help not only for possible autism but for the many other issues created by your bad family situation. If you go for an Aspergers/Autism diagnosis try and find a specialist in how Aspergers presents in adult women. We have many British women members who can offer you advice on how to start the process of getting a diagnosis.

What I am going to say will be hard to read but I can not envision your upcoming marriage succeeding unless your fiance has a change in attitude. I would not want to marry somebody who thinks I am a lazy excuse maker nor would I want to marry someone who I think is a lazy excuse maker. I do not know you or your fiance enough to know if this problem is solvable. A lot of times a diagnosis from a professional will change the attitude of loved ones but that is far from a guarantee.


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martianprincess
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24 Jun 2019, 8:40 pm

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Reframing your mother must be very difficult while trying to sort through your own feelings, and your job involving more emotional work on top of all of that. You seem emotionally drained. It makes sense why you don't have energy four housework or self-care. I wouldn't either. Take the time you need to work through these feelings, I think it's good that you're talking about it with us.

Your partner's attitude sucks, I'm sorry. It's hard for neurotypical people to understand. Get yourself on the path to getting a diagnosis and I think you'll feel good about that.


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Non Sequitur
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25 Jun 2019, 3:51 am

ASPartOfMe wrote:
Welcome to the wrong planet, I wish it were under better circumstances but probably most of our members join under bad circumstances.

FYI men are allowed to post in this section as long as they do not abuse the privilege.

The way to deal with seemingly overwhelming problems exacerbated by executive dysfunction is to break things down into a lot of small steps and hyperfocus on fixing them instead of thinking about the "big picture".


Yes, I'm realising that.

Quote:
I do agree that you should get professional help not only for possible autism but for the many other issues created by your bad family situation. If you go for an Aspergers/Autism diagnosis try and find a specialist in how Aspergers presents in adult women. We have many British women members who can offer you advice on how to start the process of getting a diagnosis.


I'm going to get things started by seeing my GP, it's just having the time when I'm a shift worker doing 48hr weeks. I also need to have a talk with my manager, because he's been really patient.

Quote:
What I am going to say will be hard to read but I can not envision your upcoming marriage succeeding unless your fiance has a change in attitude. I would not want to marry somebody who thinks I am a lazy excuse maker nor would I want to marry someone who I think is a lazy excuse maker. I do not know you or your fiance enough to know if this problem is solvable. A lot of times a diagnosis from a professional will change the attitude of loved ones but that is far from a guarantee.


I'm pretty sure he's ASD too. He's kind of the yang to my ying. He's incapable of having a lie in, sitting still or being unoccupied. He also has ritualised behaviours that have no reward and he's definitely got the same 'theory of mind' things going on. It's not that he lacks empathy, he's been great. He's just getting frustrated and feeling put upon. He's a manager who handles a budget and plans most of his stuff the financial year prior. I'm going to ask him to read my book when I've finished with it and do a bit of research and see what happens. If I suggested he was on spectrum at this stage it wouldn't go well. He's already trying to adjust to my conviction that I'm ASD. He just needs a bit more time.



swordrat32
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27 Jun 2019, 8:12 pm

So sorry to hear about all of this. It must be incredibly hard.



BlackSabre7
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24 Aug 2019, 11:27 pm

My house is usually a nightmare and I also procrastinate like hell
But I'm usually busy
And when I lived alone my house was in perfect order because no one was there to break my focus or mess up what I already ordered
Since I had kids my house has been chaotic and I don't think my family even knows I'm actually a neat freak but sort of constantly disrupted by the presence of others
And I have found that music can energise me and help me achieve things
Still I have to say the self loathing that threatens to suffocate me is always there and I think that the state of the house is a symptom of the state of my mind
I even made up a song that I sing to myself about how worthless I am when I'm down
My life isn't even too bad at the moment
Those feelings are internal and inside I sometimes scream and scream and scream