How do you find a good man?

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How do you find a good man who won't manipulate you? Women on the spectrum frequently end up abused and manipulated by their SOs, and I've definitely had bad experiences in the past.

Does anyone here have advice for young women looking to meet good men?

It's probably going to seem silly that I'm replying, given I have no true relationship experience but I can at least share my thoughts on this particular subject (I hope you don't mind):

I believe, personally, that the best thing we can do is be aware of what we want in a relationship and be certain of the warning signs of behaviors that we don't want. This can be difficult, sure, because of social cues and lack of clarity but, as an example: There is a couple in my life who are very imbalanced because the man can get angry and shout at the woman but she is not allowed to do the same back, or it's treated as much, much worse. I'm not unrealistic, I know that couples will fight. But I know for myself, I don't want to be stuck with someone who will not allow us to have a fair and balanced argument. I also know I don't want someone who 'punishes' me for standing up for myself, by becoming cold and withholding any time I do so. If I saw these signs in someone, I would push myself as hard as I could to break up with them.

Conversely, you can keep track of what you do want, socially speaking, and know to look for those signs as well. For example, I want someone who can laugh at the same things I can.

I recommend being yourself around men, that way they know what they are getting with you. Someone might disagree with me on this, but I would hate to feel like I put out a, say, sophisticated and sexy attitude to attract a man when really I'm much more tomboyish and prefer to be 'cute' than 'sexy.' They might feel let down once I start to be more myself, or even worse, I have to hide who I truly am for who knows how long.

Good luck in your search, I know I am still trying and I won't give up lol

I would give you my phone number, but I'm out of your age range.

1) Focuses on you and your feelings (but not to the extreme, but doesn't make most things about themself)
2) Self reflective (to a degree, to much depreciation can turn into emotional blackmail)
3) Admits mistakes/accepts criticism
4) Open to all conversations (nothing is 'off limits'; can talk about what you want down the road without rushing it)
5) Does not practice 'extreme' behavior
6) Rarely boasts abilities (we all do this every once in a while)
7) Interests that contain values (moral compass, practices values instead of projecting image)
8.) Shows emotions in a healthy manner

And as always pay attention to subtle cues. If you get a 'weird/creepy' vibe like something is off about them, pay attention to that. Don't just dismiss it.

Summary: Avoid signs of self worship/egotism. Watch out for emotional blackmail. They can live without you ,and they should never threaten to do things if you don't do what they want.

Maybe that was all obvious. I hope that's helpful

Do you want to know how to find a good man, or be able to identify if a man is “good” once you have found one?

For the latter, I accidentally “found” a good man after I completely gave up on having a relationship and deliberately pursued my interests.

Being able to figure out if a man is “good” is difficult for me and I made many bad choices. Here is a partial list of critical considerations based on a lifetime of experience:

No active addictions.
Has an awareness of something that greater than himself, whether it be god, or nature, or cosmic entity.
Is capable of transformation
Respects you and loves you as you are

People need to develop assertiveness in themself to attract a "Good" partner, imo:

I am "old-fashioned" and believe in the value of running a potential match by a wise, trusted third party. Got any people in your life who would be bluntly honest with you and who have a track record of being able to pick up on subtle warning signs? People whose lives are drama-free?

This is a good way to go about it. The biggest problem with this though is that, among us on the spectrum, I think that there are many who have no such trusted person.

I think the best thing you can do to find a good man is less to do with the man and more to do with you. Being ambitious and independant is a trait that will scare off a lot of exploitative men. Less than savoury men are looking for women who have no choice other than to depend on their partner for a roof over their head and the basic necessities. Why? Because if a woman has no choice other than to depend on their man for the basics of life then that man has complete control over their partner.

Never let a man control your money, home and traveling because you'll be wrapped around their finger if you do. Make sure you have it all sorted out beforehand. The prospect of a woman with the ability and means to walk out the door if their partner misbehaves is good enough to keep plenty of men in check.

It would be easier if there were actual venues to meet people nowadays...

Even if there is such a trusted person in one's life, they are likely to try to match you up with a someone who is either: (a) What they believe you deserve; (b) Someone else's cast-offs or rejects; (c) Someone who could never find someone on their own; (d) Someone with "Special Needs" who is looking for someone else desperate enough to take them; or (e) The target of the match-maker's mission, and it is YOU who fits either a, b, c, or d.

I was not considering a match-maker (an interesting but separate proposition). What I meant was a vetter. This is very common in my circles. Whenever I had an interest in someone, I got others to weigh in on his character. Before getting serious with my now husband, I checked with people I trusted to see if they had any "red flags" about him. (They didn't, and he's wonderful.) The actual finding of him I did myself.

The question of how to find trusted people for this purpose is a good one. I was born with wise folk in my life, and later was able to find more who were like the ones I'd grown up knowing. I suppose that makes the whole thing circular, doesn't it... if one must find & vet the trusted people first, how is that different from having to find & vet a trustworthy match... hrm. Another tack of advice would be needed then. I'll be mulling over that one.

One guideline I gave myself after an AWFUL relationship was that you should NEVER feel embarrassed to tell a friend the truth about how he treats you. He may piss you off or he may do something you think is generally embarrassing, but you should never feel embarrassed or ashamed about how he treats you.

Another good tip is that adults don't punish each other. You are both adults. You debate things, argue about things, maybe someone walks away to cool off, or maybe you break up even. But if someone is trying to enforce "consequences" or tell you "you made me do this" or something like that...run away.

And last - he should make you feel better about yourself. A guy who gives you the impression that he's rescuing you from your ineptitude, and you should be so very grateful...he is a manipulative, dangerous man. A normal man is not looking to "rescue" an inept person to be his partner...because that's not a partner. A normal, good man is interested in you and likes you as you are.

Any man your parents know? Find out about him, and reach out to him if you like him, but don't let him take too much advantage and take your reaching out for granted.

Dating websites.

Organized sports like ultimate frisbee, or social dancing like swing dancing have decent men types.

Ask a relative or a friend to set you up with someone if they think you may like them.

NT women will make subtle signs of interest to a man by standing near him, talking to him more and taking an interest in him, laughing around him, which makes the man feel confident that making a move on them would be well received or they often prefer a man to make the first move and pursue them, but AS women may be find a man they like and pursue him which is somewhat unusual, but has worked for many of them.

Bars are bad to meet men because there are all kinds of aggressive characters pretending to be charming, confident, and assuming they can get away with bad behavior.

You can also make male friends and then try to date their friends if you are attracted to their friend.

Men who don't think that what you are doing is weird and who are OK with who you are and can also provide some protection, in other words, kind people, are good for AS women to date.

First you have to be able to recognize a toxic person. Read, "Do You Know Who I Am?" by Dr. Ramini Dervasula
Some do recognize it but go into denial because it means to be alone again after you break up and it hurts not to have a band of comforting, true, good, female friends around. Sometimes that can seem like an impossibility. Women just don't seem to care about each other because they are competitors in the dating game. When you have comfort after a break-up, it's easier for the oxytocin (the love-high brain drug) to effectively dissipate...otherwise, it's a vicious cycle - holding on for dear life to a person who couldn't give a piss about you. If you read Dervasula's book, you will CLEARLY know what you DO NOT WANT IN A MAN. You have to educate yourself first on what a good man is or isn't. Some say, "Try a church". DON"T!!
You'd be surprised at what sorts of freaks a girl can meet at church. After you read Dervasula's book, try this :

Rise Above It: Spiritual Development for College Students (Textbook by Ray Silverman)
Originally published: 2000
Author: Ray Silverman

This method will help you cut a clear line between bad vs. good men. You will be able to distinguish the difference much more clearly. Both books will help you with other stuff too.

Last edited by RightGalaxy on 04 Sep 2020, 8:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

That describes the weird texting tango I did with my ex this summer. He tries to get back together all "All the moments we had were special", "I'll always be glad that I met you." A few days later, "Let's just be friends." Then the boy immediately goes MIA.

On some level, I wish American society was a little more structured socially. It seems like as the 20th century wore on, structured forms of socialization like being introduced by your family to partners, or going to finishing schools, just disappeared. Sure, not everything about that stuff was great, but it would have been nice for easily learned, concrete social strategies to be normal again. 21st century America values spontaneity and individualism, which is all well and good but has its own pitfalls.