Does anybody in here understand relationships? I need help

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I don't understand my NT boyfriend at all. He's touchy feely (likes cuddling) and I have sensory issues. He tries to understand and is generally a sweet guy all around, but he just generally annoys me and pisses me off. For instance, today he jokingly mentioned that I was being lazy after I told him that I had studied all day. Why would a person even joke about their girlfriend being lazy?

Then he's forever wanting to have sex and touch me.

I finally had to change my password because he was watching porn on my computer and so my computer started going really slow thanks to all the adware and spyware. I finally got the situation straightened out, only to notice he had turned my cookies off. And he doesn't understand why I am pissed.

I'm stressed because I've been sick so often (I'm currently recovering from my third case of strep throat this year), behind in my graduate studies, and am currently under pressure looking for employment. I also now have speech homework on a weekly basis. After I graduate, I may have to move out of state to find a job. Now he wants to know why I'm in such a foul mood lately (if I get tired of hearing him speak, I just hang up - if my auditory issue is tired, it's tired and I've tried telling him this).

I need to make a decision within the next couple of months on whether I am moving back home to Florida or staying in Maryland. My boyfriend, of course, doesn't want me to move.

My boyfriend wants me to marry me (but won't give me a date) and I've never thought of myself as the married typed.

So, where in the hell do I learn about relationships? I know it's all about compromise and communication, but I just don't understand him. He does things even though I tell him not to or he just doesn't listen to me. I listen to him, yet he complains that I don't listen to him. HELP!

I've been with an NT guy for 2 years this coming tuesday, its been crazy, and im in the same situation as you are, the touchy feely all over the person is defintely not me, and i hate it. After a million meltdowns, fights, attacks, bruises, breaks, were finally starting to get somewhat on track, but since I can't talk much, because im on my way out, and i have soo much more to offer, defintely pm me! Or better yet, pm my nt boyfriend, he'll give you some pointers from being that nt guy and how everything changed when he started dating an autistic, his username is fastjim! Anyways sorry once again i cant help u at the moment, but i can later on, dont give up hope...!

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Being Normal Is Vastly Overrated

I need to know all the hows. So, nothing is unwarranted because I'm just craving information.

There's no books out there written by autistic adults in relationships. And if there does exist such a book, I'm betting they don't have these sort of issues covered.

I'm just confused and I need help.

Why are males so simplistic?

My needs are simple, yet he doesn't understanding them. I think that's in part because I'm not an NT. I actually LIKE being alone (NTs like being with others) and I actually HATE shopping (girls are supposed to like shopping, getting their hair done, style, fashion - ew, yuck, bleh). I don't like talking on the phone, I don't like having my schedule interupted, and I like knowing what to do.

Now my unemployment issue has thrown everything haywire. My mom lives in Florida and I know she'd like for me to come home. I am often ill and have trouble holding a job. I don't expect a man to take care of me and I'm not used to having ANYONE around me since I left Florida. Even then, I never date except once and that lasted all of 5 months. Now this one threatens to unravel me at 2 months! I'm independent and like doing things my way. I try to compromise, but it often feels like too much pressure (to be with him, have sex with him, to cuddle and watch TV with him). I don't like pressure of any type. It causes me to lose my cool way too much for my liking. I'm used to me and now there's another person - him - and it just gets to be way too much. I don't know what is normal or how a relationship is even to develop - there's a lot of unwritten social rules I have no clue about and I'm usually screwing them up some how or another. I feel like an idiot and that's the worst feeling there is in the world - I'm 25 and it's about time I find a steady relationship, but I feel irritated, angry, and stupid. C'mon someone ask me about modern vs post-modern authors or the Dewey Decimal System or just ask me to find a vague resource - I can do that, no sweat. Build and substain a relationship? Friggen' hell! I have no clue on where to start, what's correct, or even if I am to pass Go or go to Jail! I'm confused and panicking.

Ok finally i can write u back, first let me tell u, you are not alone!
My nt bf is so needy and all over me, always wanting this or that. I love being alone, hating shopping, not into all that fashion, hate being touched, even the lightest touch sends horrible painful feelings all through my body drives me insane!

I put this on another site about advice for dating, maybe this will help you...

I've learned that sometimes you have to do a lot of things you just dont want to do to make the other person happy. Sometimes you have to risk meltdowns, sensory overloards, overstimulation all to make the other person happy, just know that before going into a relationship. Its all about making the other person happy and make sure you have some you time also to make yourself happy as well.

Affection is usually a big thing as well, I'm horrible in this department, I rarely give kisses or nice hugs, I hate being touched at all, feels like pins and needles unless its tight bear hugs. Anyways I force myself to do things like kisses, hugs, cuddling, being gentle so that other person is satisfied as well.

Communication, ugh thats another department im failing in haha, I have sooo many problems with every type of communication, its like theres a wall there haha. Anyways if you cant speak good with your words, try writing, even typing, try anything that works for you to get what you need to say across, so you dont leave the other person hanging! Also the best time to talk to somebody, is at night, lights off, no distractions, no headaches, no noise, maybe alittle music very low to help set the tone will help as well.

Also be sure to give that person their space, let them hang with friends as much as possible, try not to hang with that person everyday, you may get sick of them too fast, or worse they may get sick of you too fast!

And always remember to compliment the other person, compliments are a must! Never ever put down the other person, try to accept them for they are, therefore no tension between you two would be the best!


Those are just minor things you probably already know. For me and my nt bf, he drives me nuts, it sometimes feels like hes trapping me. He wants sex, he wants affection, he wants to be held, like wow. Basically Its like this, as long as you do whatever you can to make sure both of you are satisfied and happy, things should go a lot easier. Yes touching is horrible but he loves it, but with me he hates doing the same thing over and over again, or hates how he has to do everything in routine, yet he does it to make me happy, i give him what he wants, he gives me what i want. He knows that he has to talk in a nice calm voice, squat down when im melting down, or give me some space. Let your man know that you need your alone time, and being a loner is something you choose. My bf knows its sooooooo hard to keep any type of friends, there are times i wish i had some, but its way too stressful for me as it is, so he understands. I'll go to places that instantly give me a sensory overload, like a car show to make him happy, but while im there, he'll make sure to get me anything i need and make sure i have my ipod, my rubber feely thing, times out every now and then, and food.

Relationships aren't just one person stuff, your a team, you have to learn to work together. No relationship is easy. Does he know you have aspergers? If so, is he on this website? get him to join your world, let him know more about you! My bf checks on here every now and then even though he doesnt post, and the other sites as well. Just remember to never give up! I think i literally threw his clothes outside, his shoes, everything, i just lost it couple times, but he still stood by me, and never let go.

My needs are also simple, but to my man the simpliest things seem the most complicated to him, if I can't explain why i need this or do this, I write it down, or put to a website, try to give him as much information as possible, to help him learn more about me as an individual and as an autistic. I've done my part also by joining his car club sites, learning more about his world, and he appreciates it.

If you really are getting upset about your routine being out of wack, sometimes even just explaining it to guys doesnt always work, well with mine it doesnt haha, sometimes i need to give him an example, like in my case i would say to him, u know how u fix ur car a certian way, and everything has to be done in a certian order, and if it gets messed up, your all out of wack, thats how i feel with my every day life, and he understood much better. Do you see what i am saying?

Anyways hope i helped alittle, its 3am here, i gotta get some sleep, well hopefully haha, anyways pm me if u ever need to talk or pm my nt bf fastjim like i said earlier, he can help as well!

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Being Normal Is Vastly Overrated

It's nice to know I'm not alone

Yeah, he knows I have autism. I tell guys within the first or second date - if they're scardy cats, then I wouldn't want one any way. My meltdowns take a pretty strong person to endure them (he often jokes "If that's you cranky, wow, I'd hate to see you pissed").

I had some friends staying over until they got a new place (yeah, long story there, heh), one of them said something out of line to me, so I basically had a fit and went out one night to walk off an inpending meltdown. I didn't bring my coat because I was literally boiling over with anger and I need to cool off (good thing it was freezing outside!).

Well, who would come running after me, but him - and he was wearing my pink pajamas (he had just come over from work and needed a shower and had nothing to wear). I figured that, after that incident, there was something strong about him. He does has his limits, as he says, but for some reason, he keeps coming back.

And my boyfriend doesn't have a hobby. He likes watching movies and working. I have about 30 hobbies and never enough time for all of them Another thing about my boyfriend that drives me nuts: he repeats himself A LOT. So, half the phone conversations are wasted because he's sitting there telling me something I've heard ten times before.

Another question I've had (and some people may want to not read further): I've been on antibotics for about a month and half now (three cases of strep throat since the beginning of the year). My sex drive is out the window and I'm no longer interested in sex. He's gone a month without it and I just feel so guilty and bad about it. No matter what I try, I'm just not interested. And then when he tries to arouse me, it just hurts that much more. I've tried explaining it to him and he says he understands, but I don't think he does because he keeps bringing up the fact that he hasn't had sex in a month. I'm starting to feel pressured and resentment - and I know it's some how my fault because I'm just not interested. Then when I'm finally off antibotics and almost in the mood, I've either sick or PMSing again. Ugh. Any suggestions?

Well, when I'm horny, I'm horny and when I'm not, I'm not. It's actually like my emotions: I have difficulty expressing those finer "in the middle" emotions. My emotions don't multi-task, neither do I and, apparently, neither does my sex life. I usually do one thing at a time - which is sometimes very hard for me to do because my thoughts like to go about 2000 miles an hour.

I suppose it's a learning curve for both him and I - I just probably have more of a steep curve because I don't automatically "get" relationships due to the social stuff and then I have to learn about his world and who he is as a person. I also need to work on my patience skills - I have them, but they're very easily lost

Talking about it has already helped a ton. I'm glad I didn't keep it all bottled up inside (my usual recourse) - the anger was eating me alive.

There are some days I doubt I am autistic because I have a good grasp on facial expressions and then there are other days that I just think to myself "How in the hell...?" lol Thank you!

Egh, we broke up and I told him I never wanted to see him again or I'd kill myself.

I made him a nice candle lit dinner this past Saturday (taking a whole day out of my study schedule, and I was behind!) and that wound up to him wanting sex - well, I wasn't in the mood. He told me he was disappointed and acted huffy. I told him I forgot that making a guy a candle lit dinner led to sex. To which he replied: "By your age, 25, 26, people know these things". I got upset. He was confused and then he got upset because I wouldn't talk. He kept needling me (I don't talk when I'm upset and when I'm upset, I have trouble talking) - even waking me up in the middle night to talk (my mistake for telling him that communication was key to a relationship!). So, I blew up into an angry rage and tore up my apartment. Hit him because he was being a dumbass and wasn't leaving my apartment. I'm feel sh***y because I hit him and I lost a good friend, but damn, why needle, needle, needle (otherwise, push) when a woman obviously is not interested in talking??? It was then that I realized that I really am too immature for a relationship and have since made the decision to severly restrict my social life again - or until I can control my rages 100% (which isn't likely until I am dead). Now I feel even more depressed and angry than before. What is wrong with me (besides the obvious)?

Why are relationships so damn hard???????????

First of all, Semi-Lost-Serenity, you have the best avitar! It makes me more quirky whenever I see it.

As for maturity, I'm so old now, that I could have babysat for God and I still don't have that kind of maturity. Through the years, I've realized that male sex drives can really interfere with an, otherwise, rewarding friendship and an otherwise rewarding love that goes far deeper than a sex drive does.

I have observed NT women and, it seems that the way a lot of them handle their men, is like when someone scolds a dog. It's like, "You bad dog!" Then the guy gets a swat on the nose and slinks off and, somehow this kind of training works, except it's a different culture. It's not a relationship I could do. I need a closer friend. The NT guys hang out with the guys drinking beer and playing poker and the NT girls all go to the mall and shop for shoes. Then they get together and have sex and talk about money and the kids. And he buys her a diamond at Christmas and she gives him good sex for the diamond, according to the TV ads.

So it's a lot of work to have a relationship with a guy and trying to be honest and close and not feel defensive. It's not easy. The hard work has been rewarding for me but it's not for everyone. The guy has to do a lot of work, too, because he has two heads arguing about who has the best judgement. Whoever said, two heads are better than one, is dead wrong.

I've just been so lucky knowing OregonBecky.

Jon

Are NT women horny when they're sick?

Actually, I don't even think that's a fair question because it's like comparing apples and books. When I'm sick, the world could end for all I care - even then, I wouldn't get out of bed. And I've been sick on and off all my life. There hasn't been one year where I'm not sick with something. And when I say "sick", I'm not talking about colds or flus. I'm talking about bacterial infections, like strep throat, sinus infections, upper respitory infections, bronchitis, ear infections, etc. With the infection, my blood sugars go up. Combine that with antibotics and I usually end up with an embarassing female problem (no, it's NOT pms and it's NOT pregnancy). It's just not fair (said as I'm stomping my feet like a two year old lol). the timing was so off for this relationship: I was sick with strep throat three times (so three doses of antibotics) and a case of food poisoning (a night's worth of vomiting and three things of Pedialyte).

The only time I'm actually horny is when I'm PMSing (and when my sensory issues are twice as bad ). To top it all off, he wouldn't even think about having sex or touching me unless I had a pair of pants on while I was PMSing. Go figure...

Why me? WHYYY? The autism I can handle - no biggie. I can hide from the world if it gets too bad. The sickness and all my other weirdness I cannot if I want to substain a relationship. I think the emotion I'm experiencing is frustration ...

It sounds to me that you two simply aren't compatible. It sucks, but it happens. *shrugs*

To be frank, I've always considered "compromise" in relationships, as it is commonly done, to be a shorthand way of saying, "Each partner is bored, angry, and frustrated precisely 50% of the time." lol

The guy seemed like a total tool, My suggestion would have been dump him straight away, but you already have.

He needs to get his own f*cking computer, what an inconsiderate bastard.