A question from a guy for AS females

Post Reply New Topic

I was friends for a while with this one sort of quirky girl and she eventually revealed to me that she was Autistic and I thought that was cool cause I have it too. So I tried to pursue a relationship with her though I ended up scaring her off cause she thought I was like a "stalker" or whatever. The following year she apologized and I told her I had moved on from her which she appreciated. I then decided to ask her to prom as friends which she accepted. It was around this point that I realized I did have feelings for her. Prom came and went and it was a success. During the summer I wanted to hang out with her almost everyday and towards the end I had officially scared her off again without any chance of talking with her ever again. Thus we now hate each other.

She was very emotionally unstable (if that even begins to describe it). As a friend put it "it's like she's on a constant PMS rollercoaster with no chance of getting off". My question is are most teenage girls with AS this emotionally unstable or was it probably just her?

No, most are not unstable, and yes, it probably was just her.

However, many people with AS have hypersensitivity issues and this may manifest as a fear of intimacy.

Many also need a lot of space in a relationship and have a difficult time really warming up to people.

It's possible that she anticipated you might expect to have sex at some point before she was ready and may have pushed you away because of it.

Yeah I'm thinking it was just her because I've heard from some friends that knew her in elementary school that she used to be alot worse off all around so I think that may have played a role in impacting her current state of mind

If someone wanted to hang out with me every day I would freak and run. That doesn't mean I would never want to spend time with that person. I think you just scared her off because she was afraid you'd never give her any time for restorative solitude.

Wow, thanks for the input ladies.

This happened to me (from the girls side) before...

was with a close friend and we got closer and closer and closer and ended up hanging out 6-7 days a week... which was fine, I enjoyed it immensely... however he kept trying to get closer and closer and closer after months of this... and it got more and more and more stressful for me, because I just wanted friendship (and still just want friendship...) and scared of anything else... and seeing how he was my only friend, it was hard to scare him away or push him out so I could have my space. I was also unsure of how to relate to him what I did and didn't want... and so day after day got more and more withdrawn :X


until it finally exploded... so uh... not a good combo there

He still was a great friend, and I enjoyed hanging out with him, even every day... I just don't like feeling pressured into being expected to do this or that-- not that he was putting pressure on me by demanding I do anything, he was just subtly trying to sneak closer and closer and closer and that in turn freaked me out and didn't know how to react to it...

as for her being emotionally unstable... yeah it can happen to others w/ AS... its pretty difficult managing everything going on, so when you add a new scary aspect (sorry, but new friend, or someone you know who is interested in you IS scary and new and uncomfortable and hard to adapt to) on top of everything else you may be dealing with at the time (adjusting to college, realizing you have AS and what it means, suffering from depression, new job, bad home life, etc... all sorts of things could happen that on surface don't seem so bad, but dig deep and bothers one more and more) it starts making one unpredictable... I'm not saying this as an ok for one to always be like that, but just a reasoning behind it (and you know, just a random side info, my computers making these awesome squeaky noises as I type *looks for more to type to make more squeaky noises*)

As for what to do now... (with her...) unfortunately... I'd say its over... :X Hieu and I haven't spoken since I lost it... and while... if he were to approach me and start talking, I wouldn't mind talking to him... a lot of things would have to be made clear,, and I don't think that that is likely to happen (been almost two years now... or maybe two and a half, dunno).

Its just... once you know someone likes you, it adds another awkward layer to your relationship that sometimes can be impossible to shake... especially if you're the type who just wants to be friends (forever... as in doesnt wanna date anyone)-- but if she was the type who might be interested in dating down the line then you'll probably have to figure out the exact... rate? she needs to go at without feeling overwhelmed... :X

dunno too much of a hassle imo, better to remain alone and just have friends >.>

Tsiiki, I'm sorry for you

I tended to burn out on people fairly quickly when I was a young adult, and especially guys who were into me when I wasn't into them. Nothing personal, they just really wore me out. (I finally knew the guy I was dating was the right one for me, because he never wore me out... and we have been together almost 25 years.)

I would just write this off as not meant to be. You wanted more than she was willing or able to give... not a reflection on you, not a reflection on her, you just weren't right for each other.

TBH, I freak out when people like me and wanna spend time with me. Which is probably why I keep getting attracted to people who are married, coupled up. straight etc.

Not sure if this is just me or not but I need someone to take it VERY slow. Like I'd prefer to fall in love with a friend than have a relationship start out with some sort of expectation.

I'm just sorry that it got to the point of an explosion

As a female aspie who is married to a male aspie, I have to say that, when I first met my husband, he came on way too strong and too intense. It was like, "I met you, I'm attracted to you, you're mine, we're going to spend every second together." He had no sense of my discomfort whatsoever, he was very singular-minded on his objective. I felt myself under constant pressure when I wasn't sure what my feelings were.

In truth he drove me absolutely nuts the first month or so. He would call me at work and say, "I'm coming over to pick you up tonight at 6:30 for dinner. See you then babe!", and would hang up. What could I do but go? But I didn't want to, if the truth be told. I had just gotten out of a messy relationship and was not in the mood for a nut case who wouldn't leave me alone. My friend at work would say, "You should be glad that a man is crazy for you like that!" To which I would reply, "If you saw how crazy, you wouldn't say that".

He was obsessive and I felt somewhat stalked. But I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was a nice looking man and had a good paying job, but the obsessive doesn't-take-no-for-an-answer behavior was exhausting to deal with. Everytime we were together he looked at me like I was an 8 course buffet and he hadn't had anything to eat in days.

I was just about ready to tell him that I needed for him to give me LOTS of space and to stop calling me 5 times a day, when something happened which changed the entire game.

It's a small thing, really, but it was a game-changer. The previous boyfriend had left me with his dog, which he said he couldn't have because he lived in an apartment. Anyway, this poor thing was the ugliest dog I'd ever seen. His poor face and ears, along with a severe underbite and protruding lower canines, made him look like a homely bat. I felt sorry for the old doggie.The ex suspected he was well over 15 years old, as he was an adult shelter dog when adopted.

Anyway, I kept this old dog in my backyard. Around September, we were having a terrible heat wave here in North Texas. There was shade for him and lots of water, but I guess the heat got to poor ol' Batty and I found him in the shade lying peacefully like he was sleeping, except that he was dead. This dog was at least 80 pounds. I lived outside the city limits and there was no city services to haul this dog away for me.

I called the ex-boyfriend, who of course was upset. I told him that I needed help with the carcass. The ground was horribly hard, liked dried clay, from no rain for many weeks. I asked him if he could at least come and help dig the grave for his beloved companion.

He said no, he couldn't help dig the grave because he was too upset, but he thanked me for digging it for him.

I tried for over an hour to soak the dirt with the hose and dig, but I only got four inches down. I started to cry from frustration. The dog was starting to stink in the heat, and buzzards were circling. I was starting to imagine some sort of funeral pyre that I could construct when my phone rang. It was my "stalker" man.

He asked what was wrong and I explained the situation. He said "I'm on my way" and drove the hour long trip immediately, still in his work clothes. He took off his coat and tie, rolled up his sleeves and dug the hole within 10 minutes. He then picked up the poor stinking thing, put it in the hole, and buried him for me.

That one act made all his craziness of the past month vanish in my eyes, and I have to say that one act of kindness made me fall in love with him.

Once his anxiety over establishing the relationship with me vanished, he has turned out to be a most excellent husband. He's reliable, honest, trustworty, I always know where he's at, and he has an exceptionally kind soul. If that dog hadn't died, I would have never gotten to know that part of him.

I have no real point to this post, except to say that even the obsessive crazy aspie men get the girl sometimes.

Well that's encouraging. At least I know now that it wasn't just me. Perhaps this is just something related to all AS men