Coping with an AS Co-worker

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Well I guess you need to find a way that she can feel included and part of the 'social' or conversational life of the workplace that's acceptable to you and your colleagues. As dumb as it sounds, some people like the idea of putting their hands up as a signal that they want to join in, because it's clear and it's what they knew in school. I don't know what level of 'bad' she is with this stuff, but sounds like she needs a few small phrases that indicate she wants to say something, like 'May I say... or Could I just add something?, they're not great examples, but it's probably the verbal equivalent of putting your hand up.


How you get her to do that is something you'd need to think about with your colleagues.

I used to be like that. I spoke up in meetings (being on the bottom of the totem pole), as if the decisions hadn't been made yet. In fact, I talked myself right out of a job. I had an NT (ex-Marine...if that's possible... manager who finally lost his temper, and explained to me what exactly I was doing in the way of career suicide. That was a helpful intervention, but as he was my boss, I had to put up with it.

You'd know better than us, as you actually work with her. Maybe if the subject of your child comes up, you could 'steer' the conversation towards AS, symptoms, and such. Maybe she'd pick up on it. You never know...

Now that you realise that she may be aspie you can be more accepting of her ways. And, as it seems that she wishes to be included, but isn't very skilled at joining conversations on her own, you and your co-workers could take the initiative and invite her into the conversation.

She may have chosen not to disclose her disability. In either case, if she is treated unfairly because of it or denied promotion or fired due to aspie symptoms, she could (and should) invoke the ADA. I have encountered significant discrimination in the workplace. If I had it to do over again, I'd sue.

Sometimes I go for days without saying a word to anyone. And I haven't been fired... yet.

I am currently having trouble at work with relationships. People are always mad at me and want to start drama. I don't get it. Here is my situation maybe this aplies to the person you describe. I am happiest when I am just humming and doing my work. I work in a large store and do varies jobs. I have been passed over for several promotions because of not being able to talk fluently. I try to interact with the others but often fall short. I hate office gossip I don't get it and usually whoever hates just my idle talk. So I am at a loss. I say how are you today. That can get them going. I will keep trying to interact but maybe not as hard. I just usually give 200 percent to things. I think sometimes I try to hard. Maybe the same is with the worker you speak of. I bet if one day you just let her be herself and spent five minutes talking or listening to what she says. Maybe she would quit trying so hard.

Introversion/extraversion is not AS-specific.


Introverted AS'ers are lucky in this respect.
Extraverted AS'ers however, are naturally inclined to be social - so end up making LOTS of gaffes.
Consequently, their prospects of getting fired are massively greater than those of introverted AS'ers.
Consider yourself lucky, I would.



It sounds rather as though the OP is having problems coping with her AS colleague's behaviours.

But she's had the decency to try and find out WHY she's behaving as she is.

And what does she get for it ?
A lot of hostility from forum members.
There's no pleasing some people.

Why does the OP get no credit for coming here to find out more ?
Quite frankly, I find myself disgusted by the responses she's received - PARTICULARLY that of the unbelievably axe-grinding sinsboldly (Merle).

I don't agree. I think people said what they thought quite frankly and there's a wide variety of responses many of which deserve consideration. Lack of sugar coating does not mean that there was not useful or helpful information given. I think that's a communication style the OP needs to understand if she is indeed dealing with an AS individual.

The chances are that like a LOT of older people, she doesn't actually realise she has AS - in which case, she'll be utterly delighted that a co-worker availed her of the opportunity to finally understand why her life is so difficult .... which is hardly an act of oppression, as you seem to be inferring.

Most Aspies unaware of their condition would overwhelmingly prefer co-workers understand their idiosynchracies than take things the wrong way and fire them, surely ?

And what precisely is it that makes you think that coming here to find out more about AS *ISN'T* doing that ?

People here are so bitter, it's breath-taking.

I forgot to add in my previous post that Merle's post was an important one because it points out to the OP that there is NO support or training that this woman can go to. At this present time, it doesn't exist. Many of us would dearly like it to, but there's nothing. I think some people will assume that something along those lines exists, but it doesn't.

Wow - awesome point. On the one hand, I think some companies go overboard with "sensitivity training" (if a guy has to be *told* that grabbing a woman's ass at work is inappropriate, I don't think sensitivity training is going to help). But on the other, I think the one thing we Aspies need to get that inclusiveness (or not being fired-ness) at work is understanding that not everyone communicates the same way.

One company I worked at as part of their sales/phone etiquette training actually did some fantastic communication training which, with some modification, would translate well into NT-Aspie communications. My envisioned communication seminar (which, based on my observation of NT-NT interaction would help there just as much) might include:

- Exercises to illustrate that not everyone assumes in conversation the same givens you do (or in the case of Asperger's, isn't as good at reading between your lines). E.g.; if you tell me "We don't take those coupons anymore," I miss the intonation that somehow communicates, "Unless the person is or says... then we take the coupon." Sounds ridiculous when I write it out, but watch your workplace closely and you'll be surprised how often people assume you know the unspoken exceptions to the rule.

- Exercises to illustrate that different people learn differently.

- Exercises in NON-micromanagement. E.g.; you prefer to bind your credit card clips with a paper clip, your coworker prefers to do so with a rubber band. A lot of coworkers and bosses would make it out to be the end of the world and you to be an absolute moron if you don't bind your slips with a rubber band, and face them up instead of down, and do this set of minutiae tasks in this specific order, and sit on the chair instead of the stool, and print the sheet out instead of look it up on the computer... If the ends justify the means, it's so much kinder of a workplace to say, "I find it easier to do it this way, but if it works for you and the job gets done, that's what's important."

- Jo

I havent read all the posts on this thread but I thought I would bring my opinion in.

If I was this person, I would be relieved if someone approached me in the correct way and tries to help me with my social behavior then I would be grateful. Just make sure you dont patronise her. Dont forget that even if this person is not diagnosed, they will most likely know that they are bad at social situations anyway.

Depressing, isn't it?

Actually, no, it's not. The ADA rules you are worried about here Ticker deal with hiring only. An employer is not allowed to ask someone if they have a disability during the interview process. Co-workers making inquiries are not in any way covered/not covered by the ADA (or any other USA workplace rule of which I am aware).

But I agree that you won't want to just confront her with your thoughts on Asperger's. It could be a large number of things that cause her to behave as she does. It could be cultural, it could be the way she was reared by her family, it could be many things. And, yes, it's miserable when you have workplace failures. Thinking that her co-workers think "there's something wrong with her" might not help her stress levels if she's aware that she's not fitting in.

It's also entirely possible that she's clueless. If you do want to actively do something, give her feedback. It's entirely possible that nobody has actually told her how she's coming across - in her entire life. People seem to want to avoid conflict, and so they will smile and walk away or make some "oh nevermind, it wasn't important" fluffy statement when, actually, it was something serious. It's not unheard of for an Aspie to make it well into adulthood and have no idea that they're acting differently than "the norm" or that people have negative perceptions of them.

Perhaps taking her out for coffee, after being more friendly over a period of time, and explaining what happened in a recent situation might help? Something like, "I don't know if you are aware, but your response/behavior/specific action when we were [insert event] really put some people off." It really is entirely possible that she hasn't got a clue. If she asks why, or seems mystified, you could explain further. IF she didn't have a clue, I would hope that she would be receptive to this. She could also become defensive (not knowing the person), but you'd still have done her a favor. If it goes badly, it would be up to you as to trying to do anything more.

It's really very kind of you to be thinking of trying to help her.

Just wanted to give everyone an update...

I (and my co-workers) have been making more of an effort to include our possible Aspie co-worker, and we have definitely been less critical of her behavior, which seems to have helped all of us.

Another co-worker (whom she is closest with) took her to lunch the other day and basically had a "heart-to-heart" talk with her about how her behavior makes her co-workers feel, etc. (with no mention of AS), and why we (the NTs) react the way we do, etc. She told her in a very loving, caring way - more of a "let's try to work on this together and make your experience at work a more pleasant one." Our (possible) Aspie co-worker was unbelievably appreciative, and I am very hopefull that we will all have a much better working relationship going forward.