Husband Has AS

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Hello All,
I joined this community to maybe get some insight into relating to my husband with Asperger's. We have been together going on 8 years and he just told me about a month ago that he had it. He was afraid that I would think less of him, and I don't. I married him four years ago for the man that he is - quirks, ideas, opinions, etc and all. I didn't marry him because I thought he was perfect, I married him because he is one of the greatest and most caring guys I know.

However, even while reading up on it I have a difficult time relating. Sometimes I feel like he is just on a completely different planet than I am, and due to my lack of relating sometimes I feel like I am hindering him or making things worse. Yes sometimes I get frusturated, especially with the "I will do things when I want to" philosophy. He said he would rather do things that make him comfortable and things he enjoy, but I feel sometimes there are just things you have to do like the dishes or help with laundry. I would rather him be comfortable more than any else in this world, sometimes I would just like a little help with things. I mean either way I still love him and still want to be with him. Is there a certain way I should talk to him about, because when I bring it up he either gets angry or just blows it off? Are there things I can do to better understand and become a better wife to him. I know sometimes things are always going to be rosy, that's not what I want, I just want to better relate to him so he feels more comfortable and I don't continue to get frustrated at him for some things he can't help.

I thank you for your guys time.

Last edited by Marie070104 on 06 May 2009, 10:13 am, edited 2 times in total.

Only do things that make you comfortable and that you enjoy. See how he wears that style.

Find a fair hourly rate, charge him for half your labor hours as relates to "shared chores" he does not share.

Make him hire a house keeper to do his share.

Tell on him to his mother.

I'm sorry, but that wasn't very helpful to her. She's coming here for advice and support, let's try to do that, shall we?

The first thing you need to realize is that having AS is far more difficult for the aspie than it ever is or ever will be for his or her family, friends, co-workers, and society in general, despite the bleatings of the fascists at FAAAS. They don't ask for it, can't ever get away from it, and it's exhausting every single day, believe me. They don't ever get a "break" from their difficulties and frustrations. Try to imagine what it would be like to not have much of, if any at all, social sense, that most NT's take for granted. Then try to imagine what every single encounter with another human being would be like, especially at work, where most aspies and those of us others with no social sense run into a lot of trouble. That's a major source of anger and frustration right there. Try to make the home a haven where he can be himself without constant worry about saying and doing the "wrong" things, which is, as I've said, truly exhausting all the time.

Also, while sometimes it may not seem like it, aspies are truly capable of loving and get lonely just like everyone else, they just may have a different way of showing it, a different "language", so to speak. Because their perspective is different and they generally have a different way of communicating, you need to be sensitive to the fact that they may say things that might seem mean or insensitive to the NT ear, but they're really not meant that way most of the time.

Recognize that it's a two-way street. While he needs to try to understand and be sensitive to you, YOU need to also do the same and understand just how difficult life can often be for aspies. Do NOT go to FAAAS, they are nothing but a hate group that falsely demonizes aspies, blames EVERYTHING on them, refuses to even try to understand how difficult life in an NT world is for them, promotes and perpetuates damaging stereotypes that causes major problems in courts, employment, etc., and promotes and perpetuates the totally unscientific "Cassandra Affective Disorder", which is BS.

And lastly, thank you for coming here and trying to understand your husband instead of trying to play the victim and demonizing him, like too many other spouses will do.

It sounds like he has generally had difficulty balancing his interests with things that need to be done, regardless of how much he wants to do them.

As much as I don't like to do it sometimes, I am able to pull myself away from my interests (which often tend towards obsession) for things of great enough consequence. Sometimes it's the obvious things such as closing my laptop and getting up to get off the bus when I reach my stop. Other times it's when I have a deadline for something (such as paying bills) which has a consequence of a late fee (although, frankly, sometimes this isn't a great enough consequence).

You can't really ever expect him to be happy about being pulled away from his interests, but he should be able to learn to see the bigger picture and put them aside temporarily. And "temporarily" is the key for me, at least. I tell myself that I will do the dishes / laundry / mop / pay bills / etc. and come up with a reasonable amount to do. Then when I am finished with that, I can go back to my interest. Edit: I don't know the severity of his AS, and this may be a really, really difficult thing for him to do. But it's something to work on.

If you can both agree on this, it's at least a workable situation.

i have very similar difficulties to the ones you describe here.. really can't pull myself away from various interests/obsessions. & almost everything else seems secondary.. thankyou for putting it so well.. i would have to second fiddlerpianists advice, as it is good &i have no real relationship experience ..

Perhaps you could even build on this - see if you could get him to agree to a schedule for common household tasks. Personally, I would do almost anything if it were on a schedule. (Assuming you can get him to recognize that the chores have to be done & since he shares in the benefits of their successful completion, it's only fair that he share in the execution of those chores.)

He may also find that he gets in "the zone" when he actually starts to do the chores and doesn't want to stop. I have told my wife I prefer the "batch processing mode" of cleaning, probably related to my ability to obsess about many different things.

At our house, I'm the one with AS and my husband is the NT. I am naturally abhorrent of household chores. So, we have a system. I don't mind laundry and he hates it. I hate dishes and he b*****s about how I load the dishwasher anyway. So, he does the dishes daily, just because that's the kind of freak he is, and I do the laundry once a week, sometimes twice if he reminds me that the basket is full.

Now, other chores are a little more annoying. He lives with the fact that I don't always notice spills and crumbs on the counter, and I generally pile everything on the sofa until I get to it. He gives me a two week warning of "this is starting to annoy me, could you do something about it?" then about 4-7 days later, I get the "if you don't move this stuff, I'm going to do it" which generally means I will never see any of it again and it's going in a trash bag and into my craft room which has it's own black hole installed (came with the house I think for those of you who are curious).

I don't do well paying bills, I can't remember, and I don't care...so because these things need done and generally in a timely manner, he does that. I do obsessive cleaning jobs like bleaching baseboards, cleaning the tub, removing wall paper, mending uniforms, etc. Most things require he asks, because frankly I'm never motivated to do anything that involves cleaning, just because.

So, what I'm saying is that we've built up this little relationship over the last 10 years with alot of screaming and acceptance. Some things have been solved by, "I know you can't deal with this, so this is the way it's going to be accomplished." Other things are things I do because it's my thing. Laundry is one of those things. Obsessing bleaching of walls, toilets, baseboards, counters and anything else that is white because that's just the way I am. Obsessive nagging about my inconsistencies in cleaning is his thing. Thus the warning system.

It's always difficult to drag me from a project to do things, so taking me to dinner or catching me in the middle of the brain working on something else and getting me to absent mindedly agree to things have been effective strategies for him to use against me. I know it needs to be done, I just don't ever want to. We've done chore charts, too, when things are really bad. Otherwise, he just starts messing with my stuff and the only way to get him to stop is to take care of it myself.

I know this probably doesn't help you much, but it's the coping skill that seems to have worked in our house.

I agree on the advice to schedule things. One thing that's important for people on the spectrum is planning. Change is hard to handle, and it's very hard to change things on-the-fly. For example, if you would ask me to take out the trash right this instant, I'm not going to be very pleasant to you. If you would ask me to do it within an hour, I would have much less of a problem with it, because I could start to plan around it.

Also, don't try to pile up too many things at once (whether it's telling him to remember X, Y and Z, or asking him to do chore A, B and C). If there are several things to do, just write him a TODO-list, or perhaps tell him one at a time with some thinking time in between.

These are things I have problems with, so you might want to discuss it with him, to see if he has the same issues.

I can only speak for myself.
When I try to do something I dislike doing my IQ goes down to idiot level while I’m doing it. The more I dislike doing something the stupider I become and the more I like doing it the more brilliant I get and this is not something I can in any way control. So I can do idiot jobs just fine but don’t expect anything more. If possible what you might try to do is in some way relate what you want him to do to something that he is interested in. For example I like puzzles and enigmas. When I need to do something I try to find some mysterious aspect to it to keep me interested.

Just remember, he is still the same person that he always was.

"Reading up on it" can be confusing, as not everything written about people with AS is true of all people with AS. Sometimes, it's heavily influenced by an 'NT filter' or selection bias.

But if you acknowledged before his disclosure that he didn't help with household chores, then I agree with other's statements to set up a schedule of chores. Or tell him in advance what you would like him to do. Stick a reminder somewhere if you have to.

just another thought to take or leave if he's been with you for a long time it's fair to assume he would really want to help.. it's kinda a case of finding the ways he can best assist you if that makes sense? like a "help him help you" type thing.. anyways i wish you both well.

edit: i find when i get into a routine of doing something i try to do it well, even if i would not normally do it.. sometimes to the point i actually enjoy chores because they're routine, i've got more comfortable with them most likely & i know they're appreciated..
i still wish you both well

I don't want to speak for all aspies, but not only is a schedule helpful, but I am very prone to routines. In other words, I am somewhat trainable on rote activities. My wife absolutely needs all the daily chores done before she can relax in the evening. I always despised this as I like frequent breaks to recoup (and okay, I procrastonate a little). She finally convinced me that her way is better and now I can't stop until all of the chores are done. I also have a set time and day to do the laundry (though it takes me three times longer than her as I read every lable every time and sort things into like 5 or 6 piles and do at least that many loads). Predictability is very important, and I believe over time he might be able to train himself to the point that he won't want it any other way. Maybe you can handle more of the unpredictable chores and tasks (except for those areas where he has a special interest, I warn you that you probably don't want to go there ).

I've found that I can make something important to me because it's important to my spouse. Case in point: my mother is coming over later today, and she absolutely cannot stand dust. So historically my mother would, when she visited, clean my apartment (well before I met my spouse). This doesn't really bother me at all, as I am bad at it and not as thorough (in breadth, not depth). It really bothers my spouse, however, that my mom continues to do this, now that we are married (she sees it as "peeing on our fire hydrant").

So her answer is to clean the house so thoroughly there will be nothing for my mom to clean. I'm on board with this, not because Mom's actions bother me, but rather because they bother my spouse. So it's important that the house is spotless, just for this weekend. Therefore, it is important to me.

Thank you everyone so much for your advice. After reading everything it has really given me an idea on how to better handle things. Sometimes I admit I find it frustrating and I have myself a little selfish party, but with the given advice and the continued research, I feel I will be able to better the relationship to a point where he knows that is comfortable and I can understand that there are somethings that he just can't help and all I can do is be there for him when he needs it. Once again ty.

I couldn't agree more. For me I take the tasks that have distinct, repetitive methodology with a set way (more or less) to do them. That's why I enjoy cleaning dirt and have a much hard time with clearing and sorting through clutter. I also find that I like to do the dishwasher and put away dishes, yet I like to do the laundry but can't stand to fold it. How weird is that?