I DON'T WANT CHILDREN!! !

Post Reply New Topic

I'll tell you why each of those isn't a problem for me. In no way am I trying to say that you have a problem because you don't want kids. If you honestly have no interest in being a parent, I'm glad you have realized


Well... I'm male. However, my wife tells me that she ultimately thought it a very positive experience.


That is very true. That's why I like the challenge.


Personally, I find this no worse than cleaning the cat's litter boxes. Better in some respects. And I get up-close and personal with them because I do cloth diapers. I guess everyone has their own ick continuum to deal with


Our son started sleeping 4 hours at a go right off. So I guess we were lucky in this respect. I'll be the first to admit that there have been lots of low sleep nights. You eventually find a system that works most of the time.


Maybe it depends on the marriage, but I would actually think that this is a good thing. Marriages are supposed to be a challenge. Having a baby is going to exacerbate problems you have, so if your marriage isn't solid, you will at least find out whether it will work sooner than if you didn't. (Sorry, that sounds a bit morbid, but that's not how I meant it.)


I think that this may actually be easier for many of us spectrumites. I personally have no problems about ignoring ridiculous (but often well-intended) advice from pretty much anyone.


A little. It's probably more accurate to say that you have to make some accommodations that you previously didn't have to.


I guess I'm lucky in this respect because we drag our son along to our free time activities. It works quite well. Then again, our activities are very family conducive.


I think this is more of a personality thing, but certainly something that is exacerbated by a child.


Certainly they are more expensive than not having a child around, but there are really good ways to save a lot of money compared with most people.


So do my cats. They'll never grow up to help out with chores, though.


I think tantrums are easier to deal with than many other aspects of having a child. With tantrums, you know that they are fine and are just trying to get their way. You know you aren't hurting them by putting your foot down, and the fallout will simply be what it is.


Well, that's part of growing up.


Yes. To a certain degree, that's life in general. There's a whole lot of consonance, too. So you take the good with the bad.


True, but often you can figure out at least the source of the pain and offer comfort as much as possible. That's invaluable.


If everyone suddenly decided to stop having kids, we'd all be gone in a couple of generations. Now maybe that's a reason to not have 6 kids, but IMO not kids in general.


That's a big assumption. Certainly there is that chance, but maybe one's expectations are in the wrong place if that ends up being true.


That's certainly one perspective. There's another one, too.


The good things in life really are hard work. Children, while certainly not for everyone, are no exception.


The same reasoning can be applied to friendship and marriage, too.

So I guess my point is... if you don't want to have children, that's totally fine. Advisable, in fact. Your list of 20 reasons, however, sounds more like an excuse list than anything else. It should be enough to simply say, "I just don't want kids."

The world is filled with a lot of beauty, too. It's all about how you look at things.

Wow. I can't recall when I've seen such a chorus of negativity. Its very sad.

Most pathetic of all is, what's the point? Was somebody being held down and impregnated against their will or something? If you don't feel child-rearing is for you, don't do it. Who are you trying to convince? Why do you feel the need to create a rant list to justify a simple personal decision?

In spite of what Christianity teaches, children are not inherently evil. Most humans actually come into this world in a nicer state than they will ever attain again during their lifetimes.

If you don't want to have the experience of holding a newly minted life so pure and so helpless that it's very vulnerability gives your life a more clear and useful sense of purpose than anything else you could ever do, then pass that up - you have that right.

If the fear of being temporarily annoyed by crying outweighs the sheer joy of hearing a little version of yourself bubble over with laughter, by all means don't subject yourself to that.

If a few months out of your entire lifespan dealing with diapers is so disgusting as to render years and years of loving hugs meaningless, then you certainly wouldn't want the torture of having a warm, happy child fresh from the tub snuggling in your lap for a bedtime story. You might puke.

If seeing another human being who is an independent personality and yet an extension of yourself achieve successes and accomplish goals you yourself were never able to, and knowing they couldn't have done it without your help and support is not worth giving up personal time and spending money you could easily have spent on yourself, gods forbid you should drag yourself through that Hell. What reasonable soul could ask you to?

There is, however the practical consideration - the main reason humans have developed the type of nuclear family unit they have over millions of years - when we get old, we become helpless all over again. While our wisdom may continue to be valuable for many years yet, our bodies slowly succumb. Its then when the years and the efforts of child rearing pay off in practical terms (providing of course, you've done it reasonably well). Realistically, for people who already know they're operating with a very limited EXECUTIVE FUNCTION, it's something very seriously worth considering. But I wouldn't try to sway you, your minds are made up - and frankly if none of the positives ever even occurred to you, then you probably have no business even being around children. They deserve better than that.

As for the 'state' of the world - every generation of humans since the beginning of time has whined that pitiful notion when the conversation lulls. "Oh, the world is in such a sorry mess, I don't know how we'll ever survive." Now that we're bombarded with 24/7 television News Networks whose guiding philosophy is "If It Bleeds, It Leads", its very easy to swallow that poison pill. But its as much BULLS**T as it ever was. Take a walk in the nearest park. Most likely you'll see its not nearly as ugly and hopeless out there as the Eeyores of this world would have you believe.

Oh, BTW: just because you have AS, it does not automatically follow that any child you might ever have will have it as well. Its not a disease virus that infects everything you ever touch. And if you use THAT as an excuse for not wanting children, you're EXACTLY THE SAME as the people who want in utero testing so they can abort any potentially autistic (or dyslexic or redheaded) fetus before it becomes viable. Lets not create anything less than the perfect superman. Sig Heil.

Another reason: I don't want to be like my mother and b***h about every damn thing my child does.

I used have that very same opinion, but my beliefs were even more extreme than that . In fact for almost a year, I went through what I would describe as the darkest period of my life. I had an accumulation of dissapointments, I had been fired from two jobs in a period of less than a year, I didn't have any friends or a girlfriend, and I still couldn't drive. My outlook on life was that if I had to rely on other people to carry out my responsibilities in life, then what was the purpose of my existence in this world? I wanted to die!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! Though, I didn't have the courage to committ suicide I didn't care whether I lived or died and viewed myself as a genetic freak of nature. My parents tried to reason with me and remind me of all my accomplishments in life; which I coldly reffered to as "diminishing returns" for the hell they went through raising me. I had reached the point of insanity and began to develop what could only be described as a psychopathic outlook on life. I hated society and thought they owed me for their mistreatment of me, I also grew to hate other people with ASD and thought they should along with me be exterminated to "save them from the pain of living" and that they were nothing more but an economic drain on society. About a month ago, I was surfing the internet like I usually did, only this time I felt an unusal wave of curiosity about a movie that I had heard of called Adam. When it first hit theateres in July of 2009, I was too embarressed and depressed to see it. However, the curiosity about this film was killing me and I had to know more. When I saw the trailer, I was shocked at the accuracy of Hugh Dancy's performance. His character was so similar to me that I now joke that if I had played the role of Adam there wouldn't have been much acting going on. I then proceeded to view the dozen or so clips of the film on the internet, and after viewing each clip, I felt guiltier and guiltier about how I divorced myself from the very people who share the same struggles as I do and how I embraced this nazi-like philosophy of eugenics. I felt so guilty and disgusted that I broke down in tears, something I almost never do. I now have a very positive view of myself and other aspie's. It is as if that horrifying period in my life never happened. I no longer view people with Asperger's Syndrome and Autism as a burdern or even diseased, but rather just different socially. I even changed my stance on having children. I no longer worry about "the risk" of my offspring inheriting my "disease". With the exception of my difficulty driving; which is no longer a difficulty ( I am now a good driver), I wasn't suffering from Asperger's Syndrome, I was suffering from other people and thier ignorance about me. As far as children go I wouldn't mind having a little clone of me that I could relate to. I am now a psychology major with the goal of one day opening up a vacation and social retreat for people with Asperger's Syndrome in Yosemite, CA and/or Washington State.

Last edited by Matt55 on 27 Nov 2009, 2:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I never wanted kids... never even played with baby dolls. Since I met my husband and found out about being on the spectrum I'm not so sure anymore....

Yes all the reasons you bring up are more or less correct. Yes, there are way way way too many people on this earth. So not having any is something that should be supported.

But then again; its not supported at all. Besides that; people will not stop making babies just because you are giving the right example so it's not like you're actually helping the world by not having any. Nature will find a way to cope with the man-plague I guess, if only with a real epidemic or war.

So now I don't know. I steal lean towards no but I'm not sure anymore.

Yes I have a child with AS.. do I want him? HELL YES!!

That said, we were married 10 years before he came into our life. Birth control is not 100% effective.

We could not/cannot afford to have a kid. I am still clueless on interacting with the world, let alone raising a kid in it.

He is ours and we will be the best parents we can be. Yes it is challenging being a parent and as my son comes up on being a teen (he's 13 now) I know it will not get easier. But no mater what, I am going to let him know we love and believe in him (he just needs to learn to clean up his own messes)

If you want to have kids or not, that's a good question until you have one. After that there should be no question on wanting that kid.. children need to be wanted.

I have 3 kids and 2 1/2 grandkids and I would not have missed them for anything. One very Aspie, one somewhat Aspie, one I'm not sure, but is very Aspie-tolerant.

HOWEVER:

Anybody who does not want kids, or even is not sure, SHOULD NOT HAVE THEM. There is no shortage of people here and too many are unplanned, mistreated, neglected, often for lack of knowing how. WE DON'T NEED MORE PEOPLE. One of my siblings expressed the intention not to have kids when very young, and all agreed it was the best choice for that person. Never did have any kids, either.

No. Quite simply, I refuse to put up with Social Services keeping tabs on me, purely on the basis that presumably I will be a crap parent just because of being part of the Asperger's spectrum. In my country, they have already been known to single out people who have learning difficulties.

Umm...I don't want children PERIOD it has nothing to do weather they have AS or not. It sounds to me you're calling me a monster for NOT wanting children.

I am shocked and offended that anyone would compare the decision not to reproduce to abortion. There is nothing at all the same about making a rational choice not to have a child and undergoing a medical procedure in order to not have a child. The mental anguish is probably less for those of us who've chosen not to bring children into this world.

My husband and I discussed this before we married. Freed of the pressure from his mother to have children, my husband realized that while society dictated he should impregnate a woman and spawn, he did not want children. He likes children, and children adore him in return, but he does not want to be a father. I did want children, but came around to his way of thinking and no longer want them. I love children -- I can't say it strongly enough. I was a teacher and loved spending my day with other people's children. However, I don't feel that I have any maternal instinct. I don't think I'd be a very good mother (although I am a good "mommy" to my dog); I'm never sure how to act around an infant or small child. I'm very glad my nephews are out of babyhood!

I could never choose to abort a baby just because he or she had autism...but I'm also not sure I'm strong enough to raise an autistic child. Therefore, the answer is simply not to have children. I have AS and my husband's half-sister has an autistic son, so we might have autism on both sides (her son's autism could be on her mom's side or their dad's side; we don't know). That increases the chance our child would be autistic. I know at least one person on this forum thinks my decision is extremely selfish and wrong, but I disagree. I honestly feel that it is morally wrong to have children, at least for us.

My brother has two sons. He and his wife aren't done having kids. I also believe in self-replacement for those who choose to have children, but we joke that he and she get my husband's and my allotment of kids. So far, the results of their reproductive choice are pretty wonderful.

Is there a link between AS and not wanting to be a parent, or is it just coincidence?

Just to clarify: After much searching, I found a sympathetic doctor who tied my tubes at age 20, and I never had any regrets, not even one single time. I also had a hysterectomy at age 38 and was totally fine with it ("elated" would not be too strong a term--it is so nice to be rid of all that pain--but that is a whole 'nother story). I also have very good reason to believe that I was never even fertile in the first place. In other words, I have never come close to even conceiving a child.

Children are indeed precious; they should never have to suffer, and that's exactly what would have happened if a kid or kids, even if they were all born NT, had been unfortunate enough to have me for a mom. Parenthood is best left to those who are more qualified than I am.

And although I love my nieces and nephews very much, I have to limit the time I spend around them (or any other children) because it is just too overwhelming (for me, not for them). A few of them do like to sit and do very quiet things like looking at insects or seedpods or leaves or stars, and I can handle that pretty well and actually sort of enjoy it.

Some people simply aren't cut out for the kid thing, and I just happen to be one of them. It doesn't mean that people who have kids are in the wrong; it just means it's not the right choice for me personally (or for my hubby), and we're both cool with that.

Gotta run--kitty-kids need lunch now.

Nicole,

It's perfectly ok for you to not want children. One day, you might change your mind BUT you don't have to.

Some people aren't terribly good with babies but are great with young adults. Maybe you'll find a niche in life which is comfortable for you.

The main problem though is that as you get older, the people around you will also get older. Those with families and children will eventually peel off into their own little worlds (because with children around, there's very little time for anything else). Depending on whether you have similarly minded friends or close relatives, you might find yourself feeling a little left out.

If that happens, it's time to join some social clubs - or if you feel ok with older kids, you might want to do something like become a scout leader or volunteer with youth work. I know lots of single and/or childless people who get their enjoyment that way. It's good because at the end of the day you can give the kids back.

Regardless of what you do - your life is your choice. That's what makes the world interesting. Paint it whatever way you like.

You're acting like the breastfeeding woman in the cartoon you posted.

Willard was not addressing you. BTW stands for "by the way," which means it was an aside.

*sigh* Show me where in this thread anyone has compared the decision to not have kids with abortion.

I believe that in the post you were referring to, the author was stating that deciding to not have kids solely on the fear that they might have AS was just as much eugenics as having an abortion after finding out the unborn child had AS.