Relationship probs.

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Hi, I'm a diagnosed male aspie longing to be in a romantic relationship with someone. I had a relationship in high school that lasted for a year but didn't have too much chemistry). and for the past 7 years I've been single. I guess part of it is that if someone flirts with me I'd probably be pretty oblivious to it. Its probably not grooming, I shave regularly and am a patron of an upscale salon for my hair. People always tell me that I'm a nice guy, nothing ever seems to move further than that. Any advice?

Based on lots of experience and a lot of mistakes:

Watch, wait, don't press. You do not want [even if it feels desperate] to settle for less than right. If you find a friend or a friend finds you, of any gender, go with it, not trying to change it or steer it.
You have friends waiting to meet you - you will recognize one another.

If a friend becomes more, take it slow, let it flow. It will be what it will be.

I felt desperate, I grabbed the wrong opportunity, paid for it.

note- when somebody of the fairer sex says one is "nice," that generally is a code word for "creepy" [i'm NOT saying that's what you are] - iow they may feel the "nice" guy is strange, different, abnormal, "dweebish" - someone to keep at arm's length. in the absense of actual mindreading ability on their part, that is an unconscious defense mechanism, to protect themselves from harm, whether or not there is any actual danger to them- and/or to prevent pairing with a genetic inferior [again, NOT about you]. i am in the same boat but for decades now. anyways, i would not take it personally, if i were you. females really can't help being the way they are, just like men can't help being the way they are, it is the way we all are made, down to the DNA.
it is a very darwinian thing. even the most alpha female is looking for somebody more alpha than they, for the purpose of getting the highest genetic fitness for their offspring, whether or not they choose to reproduce -again, an unconscious drive. a curious thing is that once they get x-number of offspring out of the bag, they often dump the alpha male [or get dumped hy him] in favor of a lower-ranking but "nicer" guy, the better for nurturance of the children. you may find better luck with a "sadder-but-wiser gal." i saw this while working in a maternity ward for 2 decades. some men consider this an infuriating phenomenon, like being considered an "also-ran." i know i did.

i hope this very half-@$$ed answer was useful for you.

I like your thinking. Abnormally real & outspoken.

I'll give you the female perspective on "nice guy"..

Personally "nice guy" means I'm not attracted to you.. I have said it myself many times in the past. The right person will come along I'm sure.

Also desperate comes off pretty badly and most women will instinctively know if you are and that's a big turn off.

I'm not going to tell you to lower your standards but maybe keep your options open?? If you're going after super models but aren't quite in the same league visually then you might hear a lot of "you're a nice guy"

Hi KC,

I'm a single woman and don't think "nice guys" are creepy. I'm lonely too. Have you ever taken the Meyers Briggs? I've found that we rarer MBTI types just have a harder time finding someone. If you are a nice guy, look for a nice (not passive) woman. In my experience, the most common mistake nice people make in relationships are getting too close too soon. Aim for friendship and don't worry about the rest, romance will bloom in time. Just make sure the other common thing with nice guys doesn't happen- don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

Best wishes,
J

I agree that "nice" isn't usually enough......but I don't think it's just a code word for "creepy." Just that a lot of women are looking for somebody who's not just nice, in fact being too nice can sometimes put them off. I was referred to as "very pleasant" once by a girl who was explaining to a third party that she didn't want to be my girlfriend.

Personally I agree very strongly with this, though I got the feeling that a lot of women wouldn't let me practice it......chiefly (as far as I can tell) they'd get impatient and they'd vanish out of my life for a couple of weeks, or parade some sexual rival in front of me in the hope of kick-starting me into a bit of action (which never worked on me because I was still making up my mind about them and I'd just give them a black mark for their disloyalty and insensitivity to my feelings). Unfortunately it takes me a long time to weigh people up, so I tended to let friendships with women just plod on for months......I was fine like that, and I think it's basically good to just allow closeness to develop naturally, as a consequence of hanging about together. I also think it helps to keep it platonic until you've been through a fight or two and learned how to resolve things, because if it happens after the relationship has become sexual, the feelings it can provoke are often a lot more difficult to deal with. But again, I found that most of the women I made friends with didn't seem to see it that way. It would probably have been better to wait for somebody a little more on my wavelength, but loneliness is a powerful motivator, and so is libido.

One thing I always regretted was that I wasn't very proactive.....people often follow the gender stereotype and feel it to be unnatural for the woman to be particularly inviting or open about her feelings. I still don't believe in the macho thing where the male does a big resource display and shows off his supposed strength, but I think it's rightfully impressive when a guy is reasonably proactive and not coy about revealing how much he likes a woman. I'm still amazed at how few questions I used to ask - it's not just that people usually like to talk about themselves, it's also that I should have been asking questions for my own good, because I needed to know what kind of women they were so I could make the right choice.

I too get very confused about flirting. There are a lot of adult sexual moves that seem ridiculous to me and I just won't do them or respond to them. Flirting is hard to define - but I quite like the very broad definition that flirting = playing. That's not to say that every game of mixed table tennis is the precursor to a sex orgy. I know a number of women who can be quite playful with me, but I don't think they're particularly interested in me in that way. But there's something about playing together that can really oil the works - I guess most people would prefer a partner who was fun to be with, so it's not going to do you any harm, as long as you don't make it the only thing you're able to demonstrate.