How do they do it?

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I don't get how people can put on a straight face in a situation where they'd really like to say something else.

My 40 year old cousin is married to a complete jerk. She's always had this thing for men in uniform...cops, firefighters, military...and everytime, she picks a guy who abuses her or cheats on her or is absolutely crazy (not saying all men in uniform are, but she seems to have a low self esteem problem and pick guys that treat her bad.)

Her newest lost his job as a deputy because he threatened to hurt her, and raised his hand in anger at her many times. The only reason he never went through with it is because she called the police on him and he lost his job and now can't get any jobs even as a deputy.

He also cheated on her on myspace numerous times (met the women in person.)

He's the kind of guy that probably watched NYPD blue when he was a teenager and just wanted to be a bully with a badge. He's unemployed and has a brand new mustang with a "NYPD blue" specialized license plate.

He's negative in tone, even around other family members, never has anything good to say about anything. We were watching a baseball game and a guy was critically injured and he said (in a serious tone) "Cmon take him off the field, game on!"

Anyway, he's going to Iraq, and I'm not sorry to admit that I hope he doesn't come back. (I wouldn't even wish that on my high school bullies.) My parents have to go to a farewall party and put on a straight face and pretend they care about him.

I don't get how NTs can do this? The family went on vacation last year, and he showed up for a couple days, and I gave him the dirtiest looks, and you could tell he was uncomfortable. Let's put it this way, I gave him the Chloe from 24 stare.

Why do NTs care about their appearance so much? My parents say they're just going out of respect for my cousin and her mother (my dad's sister)...but really, that has nothing to do with it. They just don't want to cause trouble.

I do understand your folks. As much as they dislike him, they want to be there for her, and that means caring if her beloved jerk goes to war. Not for his sake, but because she'll be hurt when he leaves, and worried about him. It may look like superficial politeness but it could just as well be an act of compassion towards her. Showing their disdain for him would be selfish, because it would only make her life worse.

That being said I also find it difficult to pull myself together and make nice. For me it would t help to remind myself that once he was also an innocent child and try to see that child in him, even though he may be terrible now.

This is the true explanation of why. So I'll try to address how:

How? By biting down hard on one's tongue and holding in the urge to say something until later. Perhaps in the car, after putting on the face, your folks say to each other..."that(......). Why did she marry him?". But she did marry him. And if they divorce (as they may do) they will bite their tongues again and not say "we told you he was horrible, you never should have married him in the first place". And in private they will say to each other, "thank God they divorced".

It's all about self preservation. I've learned how to do this, and though it sucks and is incredibly draining, I can do it because the consequences of not doing it are worse than learning how.
If I'm openly upset with people, they get upset with me and thus treat me badly. I can't be openly rude or else my own reputation and all that stuff is at stake.

I've learned over the years that, in the NT world, getting people to like you is the most important part of life. That's how one gets and maintains a job, for example. It's a really annoying, mentally taxing system, but that's the world I live in, so I have to learn to deal with it

I'm glad I'll never be a phony. There's a difference between telling the crazy husband that he's a jerk, and simply not going to a send-off when you could really give two s**ts if he even came back.

Well I just stirred up a lot of drama. We're having a family party in the summer, hosted by my brother and I, and I confirmed with my uncle whether the jerk cousin was leaving for Iraq yet, and he said he's leaving this Friday. I told him that's good because it averts a disaster with my aunt (who's sensitive as hell and wants everyone to get along)...he asked what do I mean, I said he wouldn't be invited to the party if he were around because my parents and my brother and I don't like him. He said "your parents were with him on Sunday." So being my Asperger self, I said "they just went out of respect for my cousin (his daughter) and my aunt (his wife) and they didn't want to stand out as a no show."

Part of it feels really, really good to tell the truth, part of me thinks I just created a whole lot of drama (which I had to do to an extent to make it explicitly clear that if by some chance he's back early, he's not invited.)

My family just comes out says stuff. Off the wall mean things if they half too. If your cousins husband ever hit her I know I have family members who would not hestitate to fight him at a family gathering. My family is very violent very volitol at times with outsiders that marry into the family.

Yeah, I don't get this either.