Advice needed on current crisis...

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I'm the NT partner of an Aspie, and I've run into a bit of a problem...

We both work full time, he's finally found a job he can deal with. We work 8-5 weekdays. We've just got a loan to get us back in the black in our bank account and I now want to open a savings account. He's never travelled like he wanted to as he got tied down very young by an accidental pregnancy (and also as it turned out, his Aspergers held him back). He's never really had anything for himself.

His biggest obsession is flying. I bought him a flying lesson a few years ago and he loved it, and he's also had a go at paragliding. He wants to get a wing and training so he can fly whenever he wants. This, obviously, is expensive. I promised him last year I'd get a loan so he could do it this summer, but his teenage son got struck by lightning (really!) and moved in with us, and it put us in debt.

There is an opportunity at work for a LOT of overtime. It's been coming up for months and we've discussed it at length-I've told him repeatedly that I'll be working up to 2 hours late in the evenings, at least 6 hours a day on Saturdays & Sundays. He said he could get some weekend work too. I told him that all the extra money I earn will go into a savings account to pay for his flying. It was all quite exciting when it was in the future.

I don't mind doing all this work, because I can see the big picture. It'll be difficult, but I can cope for a few weeks. The problem is, now it's started he's gone all Aspie on me! He HATES being at home without me. He hates the thought of either of us working weekends. He's grumpy, miserable and the most stressful part of doing the overtime is worrying about how he's coping! Yesterday I told him I'd be working till 7, and I got a text message at 3 saying 'see you in 2 hours'. He obviously 'forgot', hoping it'd go away.

The problem is, it's 'different'. Obviously he has an Aspie fear of change. He can't see the big picture at all, and the flying fund doesn't seem real to him. He seems more concerned with missing an airshow this weekend.

I can see him getting on a real downer this next few weeks. It would be so easy for me to say, forget it then, I don't need the hassle or the stress. If he was NT I'd tell him to pay for his own bl***y flying. But he isn't, he's an Aspie. He isn't going to be able to acheive this dream on his own, and as the NT half I can get it for him... eventually. He doesn't even understand why he feels like he does, he's aware it doesn't make sense.

It's just so frustrating, because I know this is the only way he can ever have his dream. At times it feels like he's angry with me for it! I know the only thing I can do is just get on with it and not let his grumpiness bother me, but I hate to see him so unhappy.

Any Aspies out there who understand how he feels? What do you suggest I do?

Hes probably feeling a little that hes trading his time with you for the flying gear and hes not being given a choice in the matter.

Obviously the gear isnt more important than spending his weekends with you.

If it was me Id cut back the overtime and just save up the money more slowly.. ask him again and make sure hes still interested also. Theres no point in getting him something he doesnt want anymore especially if it means him having to sacrifice something more valuable to him in the process.

Stop treating him like a child without a mind of his own.

If he is telling you he would prefer you to be home it means he would prefer you to be home.

I prefer being given very concrete options...ie....To have the money for your flying I will have to work such and such...you will be sarficing time with me and I am sacrificing time I could be doing other things,also....That is the only way we can afford to do this.If you cant handle the time I will need to be gone then you will have to wait longer to do the flying thing...if he is good at math, you can work out a budget....this many hours of my being gone...vs...how long it will take to earn the extra money..that way he can make a concrete corilation when you are gone to how much sooner he will be able to fly.

It really does sound like you've done the deciding for him. On two counts, you've decided that "his dream" is the main priority and you've decided that he can't possibly make that money on his own. That's very degrading for anyone, NT or not. There are the byproducts that you aren't mentioning in your post but we can assume. Longer hours mean different eating schedules, people are tired, cranky, other activities are limited or omitted.
The main problem, though, is the codependent behavior going on. If it's his dream, then he should make the decision as to how he's going to achieve it. Sit down and ask him if he'd rather have you at home.

Agreed.

If he wants something badly enough he'll achieve it himself. To have someone else decide he cant and they are going to do it for him is degrading and robs him of the satisfaction of accomplishing his goals.

Sit down and talk to him about it but be direct.

Its a simple question: Would you prefer I stay at home and let you work towards getting the flying gear you wanted on your own?

A simple yes or no question. Theyre always best and I for one love it when my hubby gets right to the point.

If he has a different plan he wants to try he would take this opportunity to tell you.

He agreed to the overtime though, and he wants to fly more than anything. The problem is that although he wants it, and understands the need for the extra work, the reality of him being home alone even for a couple of hours makes him depressed. Especially if he's had a bad day. If I'd asked him last Saturday if he'd wanted me home he would have said yes, but he would still have wanted to start flying next summer. It's the conflict we're struggling with. Also, I don't have my own transport so I get a lift from a colleague. If she says she's not staying late then changes her mind at the last minute, I don't mind. But he needs to know what's going on and he can't handle it when it suddenly changes.


I can ask the same yes/no question every day... the answer varies! If I said 'do you want me home or do you want your flying gear next year' it would be a choice to make, and he doesn't like those.


Actually it's resolved for the moment... we had a visit last night from a friend who's on his way to a paragliding holiday. He told him stories of the flights he's had recently and now my partner is totally psyched up again to do it for himself. I think he'd sell me to the slave trade for it at the moment! He told Bob all about the work we're doing for the 'flying fund', and they were discussing the best gear for him to buy.

I understand everyone's concerns, but I know my partner really well and I know he would not be able to do this alone. He 'switches off' when he runs into difficulty. He'll always take the option of free time over work, and he is not able to keep hold of the big picture. Since we became aware of his AS we've worked out where his limitations are and I'm helping him to deal with these where possible. In some cases I have to take over completely, and he knows and understands this. He's getting stronger & stronger, he now has a job he likes and life is getting easier for him.
As for the satisfaction of acheiving his goals, he is contributing too-extra work & working towards bonuses. But he needs to be reminded constantly what he's doing it for or he gets frustrated and then there's a danger he'll blow it off and regret it later.

One of the problems is that he was in a 20 year relationship with a girl who had kids so she'd never have to work. She was completely dependent on him and his needs always came last. He just isn't used to his needs being a priority. When he was having a really rough time with his job, I said 'ok, don't work for a while, I'll pay the bills'. He's gradually learning that his happiness is important to me, but it's a slow process. Having things done for him makes him uncomfortable. He assumes deep down that he'll never have the things he wants, and I need to keep up a constant dialogue to reinforce the idea that he matters. He's 42 and he's never done any of the things he wanted to do with his life. It's about time he did.

Hmmm. I see themes here. Sexism as well as co-dependency. I can relate to this one because, even though I am AS, I made some of the same mistakes with my former partner who also happened to be AS. Please don't feel I am judging you harshly. I just know how a person's mind can get a little bent in an AS relationship, because there society doesn't provide much support for the AS issues, so that you end up in some less than healthy behaviors.

First of all you suggest that childcare is not work. Is that his idea or yours? Do you have kids? Childcare is one of the hardest jobs around. I look forward to the hours I spend in paid work, it's like a holiday from the mundane yet exhausting demands of childcare. The statement that any woman would have kids in order to avoid work is incredibly sexist. Someone has to do the childcare, if not the mother herself, then usually an underpaid caregiver. Childcare IS work.

I also get from your message that you're asking how to resolve the problem of your AS partner's apparent frustration and inability to tolerate his discomfort associated with the time you, his female partner, are putting in to raise money for his lofty goals. I don't know, I just see from your post that he seems to be not acting like an adult. He seems to be treating you as though you are his mother. That also could be viewed as sexist.

I think you should hold your AS partner, or anyone with AS, to the same moral standards as you would yourself or any other NT person. And you should take a look at the pay offs you get from treating him as a child. This is where the co-dependency comes in. You might want to consider the possibility that you are actually stealing his power by making it happen FOR him.

I don't see how this is a crisis.

I think he should follow his dreams and really put his mind to what he wants to do.

Yes, people with AS know that but something they should work on is expressing it, as in "I can do this!," "I know I'm optimistic!,"

I'm certainly not suggesting childcare is not work! Actually to be more honest, she got pregnant because she wanted a council flat. She admitted it later on. And there are those long hours while the children are at school... she did nothing, and wouldn't even take a part time job to help out. Even when they were teenagers and out most of the time. She actually never even figured out how to change a light bulb, as she had someone to do it for her. He did most of the cooking too.

You're right, I do tend to mother him a bit. For the first few years we were together (and all through his last relationship) he was extremely depressed. Finding out about AS was a breakthrough, and I'm trying very hard to understand it. It does explain a lot about what went wrong with his life. I met him when his ex was pregnant with his first child, and we wanted to be together then but he felt he had to 'do the right thing'. I'm trying to help him to make up for lost time.

While he was being a dad (something I feel he did a good job of although he would never have chosen it) I saw a bit of the world, had the career I wanted, flew on planes, did a skydive, and all the things he could only dream about. I feel like it's his turn now, and I'm very single minded about it (as you've probably spotted!)

I tend to be very single minded too. Looking back I wish there had been more people willing to grab me by the arm and say, "Listen, honey, you listen to me.." because then maybe I wouldn't have been such a lunkhead about some of the choices I've made. I don't mean to patronize you but I feel the need to make a couple of observations.

The story about his ex wife only getting pregnant so she could get a council flat doesn't seem believable. My British aunt had to wait eight years to get a council flat and she had five children. She did get some government help with housing prior to moving to the council flat, but that was a very small wretched little house out in the boonies. Now she has the three bedroom council house but she waited eight years for it. I really can't imagine that anyone would get pregnant just to get into a council flat because the wait can be very long and there is no guarantee on quality of housing. That story just doesn't quite make sense, at least from what I read in your post.

Also, this business of his being unfulfilled because he had to be a dad is a bit of a problem. Even though it is hard work and exhausting, as well as full of mundane chores, raising children can be very fulfilling. Some people might think that it was even more fulfilling than riding in an airplane, being a tourist, or doing a skydive. It's really all in the way that you look at what it means to raise a child.

I hope it all works out for you though. You're the best judge of your relationship and I am only going by the bit that you've posted. I hope I haven't offended you.

I always get nervious when people use the term "co-dependency".I believe the original intention of the term was in reference to people who were in destructive relationships...staying with an abuser or addict who refuses treatment.I just really think its been over applied to include people who have found
relationships that make them happy but which the "perfect NT perspective" thinks is not something they would want.....?I like being co-dependent....I have been independent for many years...I will take the co-dependency anyday.I have strengths which I can share with him ,he offers his strengths to me...it works for us, two people who shune the socializing that most "therapist" have tried to convince me is the sighn of tue mental health.I chose not to have kids but still feel some "maternal" instincts.He likes to be "mothered sometimes...what the problem with that...we are both getting needs met,nobody is exploiting anyone....he has done the grown up thing...if he wants to be "babied'at times and I want to do it...who cares what the professionals think.

I just want to through that out there because I think the "mental Health" establishment can be very
limiting in their perspectives about what is "healthy".....I dont let other things in NT society define my reality,Dont see why this should be any different.

Where we come from (a very small inbred town) this is what girls do, unfortunately. Girls I went to school with started having babies at age 14 or 15 and were all on the council estates within a year or so. It was a life choice. My partner and his ex were moved to a council flat within a couple of months of the birth, and to a brand new house within 5 years. I was friends with them all through this and I know the kind of person she is. It's the local culture and his ex was very, very local. (Our families were not local, and we were always made to feel like outsiders).



It probably is very fulfilling to someone who chooses it. My partner was in a relationship for about 3 years, and she knew that he never wanted kids. She was on the pill and he had no reason not to trust her. She was about 5 months before he realised she was pregnant, and she's said since 'look at the way we were living, I had to do something'.

I never wanted kids, and I had the power to prevent that from happening. I can't imagine being a parent, it's the last thing on earth I'd ever want. Riding in an airplane, being a tourist, or doing a skydive are the things we both wanted from life, and I got to do these things while watching him getting more & more depressed over the years. I know people would say he should have taken care of the contraception, but he's very trusting and if she said she was taking care of it, he would have believed her. He gets overloaded when he's out and there's a screaming baby near him, he has to get away from it.

Everyone has their own opinion about this, but I was there and I know how I would have felt if it had been me. He became a shadow of the person he was when we first met. He looked 10 years older than he does now when the kids were small.

Incidentally, when he finally left her (the kids were 12 and 14) she went straight out and got another man (dressed to kill, straight down to the pub, and came back with him according to the kids) and he did not like the kids. She chose the man, we ended up with both of the kids living with us. She doesn't even remember their birthdays now.




You haven't offended me at all




I agree with this... my mother always says it's not healthy for us to 'live in each other's pockets' like we do. But we like it! We're the happiest couple I know! So where's the problem? And whose problem is it? Not ours, that's for sure...

I hope things work out with the problem working extra hours. I am quite a cynic when someone tells me that a woman got pregnant just to get benefits, but I suppose it is possible in certain cases. Afterall, I've heard of men out there who lie to women about their fertility or whether or not they have had vastectomies. I suppose it could work both ways.

Maybe you could just spell it out for him in really clear language in terms of goals and expectations of raising the extra money that you need to do the things you both want to do.