Aspie symptoms causing issues, advice?

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I was just recently diagnosed with Aspergers. That don't really bother me to be truthful. It makes sense and its nice to know that I'm not just one weird person. I'm not alone. I like knowing this.But it is causing some issues, or at least aggravating current issues.

I met my friends in High School. We are a close group and they have really helped me in more ways than i can name. It was two of them that came to me suggesting I get tested. I never have had friends that were this close and stuck around this long.

But lately, they have been getting pissed more and more. And they are getting pissed at the aspergers symptoms. I am forgetful! socially stupid and mess up a lot. They are to the point of not talking to me, telling me they don't want me around, that I'm a bad person, that I'm not trying hard enough and the worst; if i wanted to change i would find alternatives and learn from my mistakes.

They are good people, insanely smart, some of the most patient and most caring people i have ever had the good fortune of being around. But i am at my wits end. I feel like a bad person. I don't know what to do. They are loosing patients with me and my actions are affecting their lives in more ways than it should (ie- my forgetting to mail a gift to my dad on the right day made it late, which made him mad, which threatened my half of the rent (im in college- parents helping with rent) which in turn threatened my roommate/friends housing) It's bad. very bad. And i know it's me that is causing this issue.

i just hope that someone here knows what this suck-fest is and can offer me some advice or anything.

With regards to forgetting things I strongly suggest you get a calendar (either pen& paper one or an online one) and write down everything you need to do and when you need to do it by. Look at your calendar every day. I live by my calendar as well as writing down To Do notes everything I need to do something.

As for being socially stupid, well, welcome to Asperger's, that is what we are socially stupid. Ask your friends to point out what you are doing wrong at the time you are doing it and get them to tell you what the correct thing is. Also, watch how your friends act in social settings and copy them. This is how I learnt to get by in social settings, although I still stuff up.

Perhaps some CBT therapy might help as well to work on some of your issues as it can help for an outsider to give some constructive feedback.

I use my smartphone. I don't know what I'd do without it. Also try not to get interrupted when you are on a mission to do something, I completely blank if someone catches me before I finish a task.

You know, while obliviousness to the fact that someone might be telling us something they expect us to remember can be a manifestation of AS, forgetfulness in itself is not.

If you are having memory difficulties I recommend you get checked for vitamin deficiencies and perhaps thyroid problems. You mentioned you are also a student. Students generally tend to be stressed, sleep deprived, and have a lot on their minds already. Such things can contribute to poor memory.

Until you find a way to improve your memory, you need to start writing things down.

As someone with AS, you also need to make a conscious effort to be on the look out for things people may be trying to communicate to you non-verbally.

Ask yourself...

What is the person talking about? Why are they talking about it? Is it important to them? Is it very important to them?

I think a lot of us with AS tend to have the perception that when people are speaking to us they are communicating either factual information or socially expected civilities, and our only obligation to that person in this exchange is to give some acknowledgement that something has been said.

Sometimes this is true, but often times what is trying to be communicated to us is sentient in nature, and the speaker expects to derive from us an empathetic response.

For example, if someone tells me "I really hurt my back." In my head I would think "This person has a hurt back. They will be limited in mobility for a while, perhaps a long time. They should probably put some heat on it."

But what the person really expects of me is to express that I understand their situation by a show of empathy.

An NT person would likely furl their face or make some type of pitiful scorn type look, say something like "Oh gee, that sucks!" while maybe touching the person on the arm or shoulder. "I hope you feel better soon...maybe you should put some heat on it or something." But most of the communication would be done non-verbally.

A person with AS would take the whole exchange as more of a status report, even if we do recognize the person is in discomfort.

I had very similar issues my Sophomore year of High School and ended up completely separated from that current group of friends who I haven't really spoken to since. They kept getting upset at me for 1. not spending enough time with them 2. not spending time with them as a group and only spending time with one or two individuals as well as my general apathetic nature and isolation. The thing is, while it was highly stressful, for me it was better to not have to deal with these problems and HS was much less stressful afterwards.

I was accused of thinking I was better than them (I guess they interpreted my not wanting to spend time with them and not talking to them when we were in a larger group as well as my not seeming to have cared when the friendships broke up). Their treatment towards me afterwards is what caused problems.

I would suggest you try to explain why it is you act the way you do. You say you were recently diagnosed, why not tell them what that means? If these friendships are important you might want to do what I do which is DIRECTLY try and spell out how it is you function in social situations and as a whole.

My current group of friends KNOW that I am Socially Awkward, don't pick up on social cues, don't react a lot of the time to emotional situations or react in the wrong way, NEED my space, get distant when with people for an extensive period of time or with more than one person, etc. I SAT them down individually and told them these things after we had reached a friendship state.

I've had a few people have a problem with this and tell me I should change. These people don't tend to stay my friend very long...

I think I'd be tempted to identify the person in the group who you like the most - hopefully the one who seems the most sympathetic and non-judgemental - and have a one-to-one talk with them about how you're feeling. Get them to see it from your side of the wall.......that you're worried about being unable to meet their expectations because of your condition. At least they know what you've got and they believe it. Once people realise that you simply can't do this or that, they might be a bit more accommodating about it - usually what annoys people is when they think the other person could easily mend their ways but refuses to.

But this business of failing to send a gift on time seems a bit weird - who is this person who wishes to punish you for that? Why does it matter so much to them? I wish my disappointments were as insignificant as theirs.

Some of this is probably just them growing up a bit, trying to identify themselves as adults, which is easiest (and lazy) by pointing out the faults they perceive in others.

Take care that you don't attribute your feeling of being a bad person to them, if they have not actually said it. Sometimes these feelings are very strong, and it is easy to believe that other people think you are bad, even when it is just a feeling inside you when they are saying something and not something that they have said.

thanks guys. I do try to write things down but get distracted easily and forget to look or change things. I get the test back tomorrow if I have ADD too. I feel better knowing that im not the only one who has dealt with this. I got some books on hold for AS at the library. I hope that will help a little.

It helps more then i expected that other people know what i am talking about. I always thought i was just odd but to know that there are other who think like i do, is such a relief. Textbooks and psychologist can only describe it so much.

I know i need to stop attributing these things as making me a bad person. But when i do things that hurt people, or am 'insensitive', or cause something bad to happen, its nearly impossible to not feel like a sh***y person.

the person who gets mad about gifts would be my father. A lovely person who when i told him i was getting tested for Aspergers said it was the "ass-holes disease". Needless to say i have my hands full with that.

Again, thanks to all you and if you have anything else helpful, feel free to let me know.

You should tell him just how wrong he is: an ass is 1. a long-eared, slow, patient, sure-footed domesticated mammal, Equus asinus, related to the horse, used chiefly as a beast of burden. 2. any wild species of the genus Equus, as the onager. 3.
a stupid, foolish, or stubborn person. (see http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ass or http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asinus). An arse, by contrast, is 1. the fleshy part of the human body that you sit on. 2. vulgar slang for anus. (see http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=arse).

An a***hole is someone who thinks that telling him this would be funny (ha ha!).