How do you tell someone they said something rude?

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This sort of thing makes me feel more like an NT. I was talking to a lady, I don't know if she has AS or not, but she's always asking if she did something rude or not. Then last night, she said something incredibly rude and didn't even realize it. I don't know exactly how to tell her that she goofed up. I think it would be helpful so she can learn a bit better but I don't want to hurt her feelings, any suggestions?

I like the old standby "That was rude."
I wouldn't shout it or anything, becasue that makes it seem like you've been horribly offended. Just state it in a calm monotone. If that's too blunt, try "Why would you say that?" That gives her a chance to explain herself better or apologize. If she's asking you to tell her when she's been rude, it would be rude not to.

Tough situation. It was a good call to give her time to process it. Sometime when you're alone, say something like, "You know how you sometimes ask if you've done something rude? Well, I'm sorry to mention it, but I was a little bothered when you. . ." And then see if she wants to know more.

You say, "That was rude."

But she seems to want to rope you into some sort of supportive role in her life, which makes me think you shouldn't bother. She wants you to decide what's rude, but she shouldn't decide what's rude? There's something spooky there. Somehow I think if you accept this role she wants you to play then somehow everything will be all your fault. She might be innocent, it could be subconscious. Or it could be nothing. If it was me, I'd stay away from her.

I think I'd just say something like "you know how you sometimes want to know if you've been rude or not? Well, the other night when you said x, that was a bit risky."

Don't say it while other people are around, and try to come over as friendly.....a brief, reassuring touch on the arm or shoulder might help, as long as she doesn't have issues with touch. Try to make light of it, and play down any ill effects she might think she's caused - if people have been offended, they'll most likely heal and put the incident behind them.

Might also help to avoid labelling it as rude or bad behaviour, and just say that what she did was not really wrong, but that a lot of people get steamed up about that kind of thing.

If you can think of anything you like or admire about her, it might be a good time to tell her that as well as the criticism, just to help her to re-balance her self-esteem. If she seems to be struggling with that (looks unhappy), give her another compliment or two and tell her not to worry.

If you yourself have been offended by her remarks, this might not be so easy. It can really mess up my diplomacy skills when I'm emotionally involved, in a negative way, with the subject matter of the criticism. My anger tends to make me say insensitive things even when that's the last thing I want to do.

I agree with "that was rude" but it works better on people you are really familiar with. Aquaintances might take offense with it.
People you know really well might argue about why it wasn't rude. If someone says something rude to her, make a point of pointing that out too, so she knows you can be trusted and aren't trying to criticize her exclusively.

People like that lady are just playing mind games with themselves. I've noticed this recently: People who are always apologizing for everything or asking if they did something wrong, when it finally comes to a situation where they obviously should apologize or they did something wrong, they will never apologize unless you do everything except tie them down and beat the apology out of them.

People like that just don't want to take responsibility for their actions so they take on a persona of being helpless and clueless. I do not wish to demonize such people, these machinations are mostly controlled by the subconscious mind. What they experience consciously is this pervasive sense of guilt as they go about their day as they suppress thinking about the real root of their guilt. But they do know right from wrong, rude from polite, the evidence is those situations when they *did* do something wrong that's exactly the moment where they stop wondering out loud whether they did anything wrong. When confronted they will avoid the subject altogether or adamantly disagree they did anything wrong.

"Excuse me?" or "Would you care to repeat that?" should work well.

If it's a one-on-one situation or a very small group, you could also give her a hint by explicitly not answering to what she said and looking at her with wide, unbelieving eyes. It's more polite than telling her outright, but most people will get that something went wrong. It might even prompt her to ask what exactly it was she did wrong; after that you are free to tell her.

Of course, this will only work when there are not so many people involved in the conversation that someone would be bound to talk into the pause you are trying to create and it will certainly not be of any help after the situation has already passed. Also, it may be that the lady in question does not get this hint...

End the relationship with that person.

Give them short answers when they say something to you. Ignore them.

Fart loudly and when they say "How rude!", you say "No more rude than what you just said."