First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Thanks Jenny

Janissy wrote:

I think this is a great idea!! !

My questions ( am an NT parent of an AS child):

Were you self-injurious as a child? Did you grow out of it and have the feeling fade away or did you come up with specific ways to cope so you wouldn't self-injure? If somebody intervened (such as holding your hands) would that be helpful till the feeling passes or would it be even more upsetting?

My responce:

I can only answer part of this as an undiagnosed - but think I have it - Aspie
I'm sorry to say that I did and still do self harm. I meltdown - sometimes over silly little things - and I will start to harm myself. So no - I haven't grown out of it but it has become slightly less often. The difference now is no-one sees me do it (well a man I was dating once did but no-one else). I wish I had a coping mechanism to get away from it - but I don't.

I'm not sure about the intervene part. I think having my hands held would make me worse - but a full embrace might feel comforting (only when given by someone close that I love and trust). This would maybe feel I was being protected from myself. My worry here is that trying to pull off this action may result in your own injury if it fails to sooth - so I'm not recommending that you do it!!

Um, a NT once blogged that I kept "stirring up drama" in her life. What does "stirring up drama" mean? I can't ask her since we aren't on speaking terms. What are some examples of "stirring up drama"? Thanks.

NT help required please.

Sometimes when I join my work colleagues and they are talking about something that has happened during their day and I'm curious but wasn't there to see whatever took place and have missed half the conversation.

I ask 'what was that?'
The conversation continues - I don't get an answer!
I ask 'What happened?'
Still I don't get an answer
On the odd occasion I'll make a third attempt - then I give up and indignantly think 'stuff ya then - I don't wanna know!'

What's happening here? (apart from me getting fed up!) Why don't they answer? Why does it feel like I'm not really there and don't have a voice? What NT rule am I missing here?

To Sowlowsolo: Even though I'm an Aspie, let me try my best to help...
I once overheard several NTs complaining about a NT named A. Their main gripe? A asks them almost every day, "What are you talking about?"
I've learnt the hard way that NTs divide the people they know into two groups--friends and non-friends. When friends talk among themselves, they usually talk about frivolous stuff like "What's on TV last night?", "Where can I buy ________?", "Oh my god, _________ has been getting on my nerves..." They are embarassed to share such frivolous stuff with non-friends.
(Um, this is probably why some NTs keep quiet if there is someone else in the elevator. They will resume their conversation after leaving the elevator.)

I'm also thinking that they just don't want to repeat themselves. No one wants to repeat a story they just told. I even think that it is a unwritten rule not to ask them to do that in a middle of a convo.

So even though I'm genuinely curious as to what happened I'm suppose to say nothing. That sucks!

I just suggested this elsewhere on this forum. If you are in a position to overhear two co-workers talking about something interesting, just remain quiet and act busy. You will hear all without having to ask questions!

^ Still sucks!

I can't understand people at the best of times but with half the conversation and noone willing to fill me in on the details I might as well walk around wearing ear plugs so that I don't feel curious in the first place. I thought NTs (and Aspies in some cases, but mostly NTs) liked people to be interested in their day to day lives. Or is it that NTs are so interested in themselves (don't mean that to sound as bad as it does) that they don't really need anyone else to be interested in them?!

In past work settings, I have learned the hard way that you have to be part of the "in" crowd to be allowed to join the conversation. Sucks, I know...

Hi Sowlowsolo. NTs often choose whether or not to share gossip with each other depending on the degree of closeness in the relationship. This is especially the case in the workplace, where indiscreet comments can easily become public and cause offense. Women often share this sort of gossip with each other as a sign of trust.

If I was to hear two female colleagues gossiping about something that had happened, I would not attempt to join the conversation unless I knew I was seen as a trusted friend by at least one of them. Otherwise I would remain silent and probably discreetly listen in and try to work out what had happened. Joining a personal conversation without being invited or knowing that you're welcome tends to be seen as rude and intrusive.

However, in your case, your work colleagues were very disrespectful- it was not acceptable to just ignore you like that, whether they view you as a friend or not. If they hadn't wanted you to know what they were talking about, they shouldn't have continued their conversation in front of you. Once you'd asked them about it, they should either have told you (briefly) what they were discussing or else made a polite excuse, like "Oh, it was nothing, we were just chatting." They don't sound like very nice people, unfortunately, so perhaps you should be cautious in your interactions with them. Jenny (middle-aged NT female)

You're showing weakness and they're responding appropriately (as they see it). Never ask personal questions of people who believe they're above you.

This is really funny, for the following reason. I'm the Aspie in my relationship, but my lover did something very similar just last week. We were having a serious discussion, and when he got quiet, I asked him what he was thinking. He responded, "I really need to cut down that lump of grass over there." Usually, I'm the one making that kind of supposedly 'random' comment (I'm just answering truthfully!), so when he did it to me, I had to laugh out loud. Yay, for learning he's as random and honest about it as I!

I am an NT (23) and my fiance is an Aspie (24). When we argue if the argument gets to a certain level he will do one of two things:

1. He covers his head with a blanket and refuses to come out.
2. He bangs his head on or punches the wall.

If I try to get him out from under the blanket he will either get angry or just hold on to it tighter, and no amount of reasoning stops the head banging/punching, which isn't violent, just upsetting to me, and, I'm sure, the neighbors.
I understand everyone has different reactions to different soothing methods, but I'm open to all suggestions.
Are there self soothing methods I can discuss with him that have worked for others?

Question for NTs, was I in error, was she right to be upset? I don't think I was, but I'm still worried.

I'm one of the thousands of Emilys out there, it's such a common name. Someone in the school hallways called out "hey! Emily!" And I turned around. It wasn't someone I knew, so I froze, wondering what was going on and what I was supposed to do. The yelled basically snarled at me when she saw me looking "i wasn't talking to YOU". You was said in a nasty tone, suggesting that something was wrong and gross with me. Then she said in one of those wishers which are loud and meant to be heard to her friend "god she's so annoying, I kind of feel sorry for her but still!"

Could I have upset her??? Did I do something wrong? To me her reaction seemed completely out of praportion, but I can't be sure...

You didn't do anything wrong. She overreacted. This happens to everybody who has a common name. The polite protocol is to be neutral about it and just say, "I meant a different Emily" or something similar, neutral not angry. I notice you are in school. This angry response mostly happens with people young enough to be in school and not with adults. People will still be calling out your name when you are my age but when you turn around thinking they mean you, they will just neutrally say they meant a different Emily. That's the mature way to handle this common event.