My Childhood - The pain remains.

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The following texts were just sent to my mum............(i was diagnosed AS / possible ADD 3 years ago.....age 30)

TEXT 1
I seem to remember my childhood being an utter misery. Its hard to take when i am told i was very happy. I hated school and my home life was non stop bullying hitting and shouting and crying (mine) There was little understanding and when i regularly (daily) cried for help my vulnerable needs were ignored because of incapable parenting. Let me guess i imagined it all.....

TEXT 2
I think you are living a lie if you think my drug taking at uni was to blame for my aspergers. My (correct) theory is you tell yourself this because you cant cope with being responsible for my miserable upbringing but deep down you both know that my previous text message is the reason i turned out this way, If dad had the balls to admit he has ignored his aspergers and that if he had dealt with it then my life would not have been so s**t then i would respect him. You dont believe in justice. How this has f*cked me up you will never know. Did you know i cant sit at a dinner table and leave dinner early because of the miserable memories of your kitchen. DO THE DISHES OR ELSE YOU WILL GET HIT FINISH YOUR DINNER OR ELSE. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DONT COME OUT. <<<these might not seem like viscious acts or s**t parenting but on the level they were done they very much f*cked me up>>>
Child abuse! (not sexual thankfully) Abuse of parental power. Failed methods. Thats the truth. Admit this and apologise or do you have no descency? Clearly not. Otherwise yeh it was a very happy childhood. Take me back to my Disney memories parents ! ! ,<<< Sarcasm!

TEXT 3
I know this might be upsetting for you to read but telling the truth is very important. At least, it is for me. I needed to get all that off my chest. Its not fair what you all did to me. Deep down you know this. Deep down, despite your best cover up attempts you know i speak the truth, dont you.? How nice am i that i still love you. Thing is we hate each other too. I was the kid. I had you to protect me but you didnt you attacked me. Hit bullied and self esteem reduced to zero from a boy. With ADD and Aspergers on top what f*cking chance did i have? NONE
Unforgivable. I pretend i have but its a lie. I cant live anymore i hate it, i hate life. I hate me and i hate my parents. Go on blame the drugs. Its YOUR FAULTS not mine, nothing else. Admit it.


THE END

my dad is a GP Doctor and my mum was a psychology graduate. Both failed to notice my AS and thought i was immature and tried to manipulate and bully / hit the AS out of me.

i dont mind sharing this all with you. 3 years after my diagnosis and after falling out with most of my friends and losing so many jobs and girlfriends i am alone. You guys are the closest thing i have to family. i would love to know your thoughts. It feels so theraputic to vent this stuff to them and on the internet. Justice has been done by sending these texts. My mum has had heart attacks recently. I know i could push her over the edge but they didnt sympathise with the sick nazis in their neurumberg trials. Obviously my parents weren't nazis but the theory is the same.

And they are both *professionals*?!? That's scary.



In order for you to "push her over the edge", she'd have to give a d**n--the question is, does she?

Never mind, that's not important. You said what you had to and that's that. Venting can be helpful--I'm glad it was for you.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that s**t. Some people simply shouldn't be parents. I sincerely hope that, with your diagnosis and the awareness that goes along with it you can begin to build a life for yourself. Cut them out of it completely. Any successes you have will be yours. They deserve NO PART of your life. They may have made you biologically, but they are NOT "parents." At all.

Take care, and best of luck in everything. Glad you're on this forum. Feel free to post, PM, whatever. We are your family now.

I appreciate your reply. It's kinda what I wanted to hear. However, that's just me coming to terms with my childhood. I have done that now and to be honest I will never be close to my dad he's not that kind of guy. He loves I am sure but he is not warm and never talks about his feelings but that's maybe not his fault. He paid for my diagnosis and has supported me financially but hasn't been the best dad over the years but also not the worst.

As for my mum, well she has always been very loving and while she didn't understand what was wrong with me has always been compassionate especially in recent years. I love her so much and despite my anger in the texts I sent I just want closure so I can get on with my life. It's complicated. I am hoping some of you guys with late diagnosis will understand where I am coming from?

I just hope she can forgive my texts when ironically it is her I am to forgive. What a crazy situation

Very complicated, from the sound of things. IMO, however, if they treated you that horribly due to something you couldn't help (too bad that they "didn't understand what was wrong"), then they DO owe you an apology. There is no excuse for abusive behavior. Period. That doesn't sound "loving" to me; however, are you saying there were moments that were good, too (which is often the case)?

Late diagnosis: in my case, self-diagnosis two years ago. I don't know what your feelings on that are, but just having figured it out myself, and having a couple of my grad professors confirm it due to their knowing people with AS, is enough. I'm in my early 30's and getting a formal diagnosis now would be difficult and not all that useful.

Okay, back on topic.

My mom did not know what was "wrong" with me either (later, she admitted that she briefly thought "mild autism," but she would never have been taken seriously--this was the early 1980's and if it wasn't "classical" autism, it wasn't autism, period). However, she did not abuse me or try to bully me into being "normal." She understood that I had difficulties (even though she didn't know what they were from) and supported me. This was through all of the struggles with schools that wanted to send me to shrinks (who didn't help) and that blamed HER for my behavior, not to mention a father who didn't get it at all and acted like he was ashamed of me most of the time. (Ironically, I think my AS may have come from him--he's exhibited many behaviors that are/were similar to mine; he's only recently beginning to admit this.)

I am not saying this to "brag" (I hope it's not coming out that way--if it is, I apologize) but to explain that a good parent loves and supports her kids, even if they are "odd" or "atypical" or...whatever. I've read too many stories on this forum that were/are similar to yours, and they are sickening to me. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes, but I think abusive behavior of ANY kind is simply unacceptable.



You shouldn't have to apologize for telling the truth. They don't have to apologize for not knowing what it was, but they do have to apologize for abusing you.

If you can forgive them for your own sake, however (and it sounds like you already have), you'll be/are better off.

Hope it doesn't sound like I was ranting. Mistreatment of children (or anyone, really) is a sore point for me for some reason. Again, I was not mistreated--I guess I just see it as a grievous injustice...to put it mildly.

Again, I wish you the best in life, and you already sound like a very strong person for being able to come to terms with all this and still be able to love/forgive them for what they did. That will help you cope in life.

Take care.

i f**ked my childhood up myself. in a way morally thats harder to cope with cuz there is no one to blame. i know the feeling of looking back and knowing you do not have the foundation that you should have got to build your life on. find some way to get away from your childhood. if there is anything that brings back memories burn it. you have to keep moving forward. that is the best way to prove them wrong. and btw it doesn't surprise me that a psych would abuse her own children. psychology in this country started out as a way to get rid of crazy people without society noticing, it then evolved into the CIA mkultra project for mind control. after that it was marketed to families of disabled people....

As terrible as this is, I'm glad I'm not the only one. My mom was great, my step-mom can eat a d*ck. While telling them how you feel or about what went on may not actually help them realize what they did wrong (denial is a powerful force, many depend on it for their own sanity) it will hopefully make you feel better to express how you feel.

I would write long letters to my dad about how I felt... though I never sent them. It would make me feel better to write it all down as though it was going to go to him.

Good luck dealing and healing.

I still generally need my wife to act as a "translator" of sorts in order to communicate with my family, and Im a couple weeks shy of 40.
I try not to hold things against them, noone understood these problems in the early 70's, but by this point so many things are set in stone to them - and me taking the blame for just about everything is still certainly one of them. A lot of the tortures of childhood made me stronger as an adult, shame that Im still seen socially as "weak."
My mother worked with autistic kids, when I was growing up, and generally knew how to deal with them - at least in the context autism was understood back then. She even regularly noted the similarities between them and myself. But again, back then, if you could talk, you didnt have autism, and she took the standard advise of "just expose them more and they'll get used to it..."
The part that hurt the most was them always selling me out because I was "different" and "had problems" - rather than even consider defending me, or at least try to understand.
NT's deal with most problems through denial, and they are far better at it than I ever could be.

It is kind of conforting, in a very disturbing way, to know that Im not the only one whose family life was destroyed by ignorance and arrogance.

My olds were real BEAUTYS and my childhood was a mix of good and bad

*remember it can be harmful to disrespect ones parents*

just as well I managed to turn out fine...

I also come from an era where a lot of the things we know now weren't known back then, the early 1960's. That didn't make things any easier. Having a father that was killed in Vietnam, being an only child raised by a narcissistic mother and alcoholic grandmother didn't exactly help, either. I spent much of my free time (away from school, that is) either burying my nose in books or listening to / playing music. They were my coping mechanisms, as I had few friends and nobody to talk to - so I had to find things to do on my own.

TEXT 4

I went slightly too far due to my anger. I retract some of the horrific things I said but the rest is something I feel. I know this sounds ridiculous but I am close to breaking out the other side and have made progress with life. I need to hear you both say sorry and admit your methods were wrong. You didn't know but i don't think you could cope so feel you didn't do enough to help me. I needed your help so bad. Inaction is a form of mass destruction. I promise I want to move on this is the final piece of the jigsaw. I think we all need closure on this. It's boring now and upsetting but I can't move on without both of you admitting and apologising. I want to forgive you but brushing it under the carpet is unacceptable. Child abuse is a slight exaggeration but I remember lots of smacking nipping and verbal abuse that was representative of your frustrations of my add/aspergers you tried to beat and shout out of me but I always knew it wasn't my fault. IT WASN'T MY FAULT!! ! I think since my diagnosis I have had one half hearted sorry from mum but it's not enough justice for me to move on. Surely you can see this is unacceptable and is ruining my (and your) progress. Sit me down, both of you, prepare exactly what you want to say and let's get this bloody done once and for all. I know it's hard but I am making it easier for you by telling you what your long suffering child needs. I always tried to tell you but you didn't listen because you didn't know what to do so you froze and I suffered so. I made you suffer with me because you blamed me for it. That REALLY hurt so I REALLY hurt you. I love you both... I know you both love me. It's so important we can sort this out to all of us so we can have harmony after so long. Let's be happy xxxxx

Conundrum, (AS/our situation is a conundrum!!) I found your email very touching. You sound like you are very compassionate, understanding forgiving and good person. As you can see from my latest text above, they have also been supportive, it's been VERY difficult for them also i am sure and for this i sympathise. We live in a time when mental health differences are only beginning to be understood, and i think it's jus the beginning. My mum had her own problems and trust me i have put her and my apparently emotionless dad through hell. I guess its not all their fault and it's not mine. However i agree they owe me an apology.

As for you, i did find the diagnosis both helpful and damaging by being labelled.

I am not sure if you how my parents treated me can be classed as abuse, that's a bit extreme, yes they hit me a bit, nothing too severe, but the regularity of it was very damaging to my vulnerable and impressionable self esteem. I guess they did it out of love, it's a parent's job to mould their kids to fit into society. So maybe they were just doing what was instinctual of caring loving parents and when that didnt work they tried harder, when that didnt work they gave up with that and our relationship broke down. Since the diagnosis we have tried to mend our relationship, it was been repaired 75% i would say but for me i want 90% + so have pushed them (and many others away) in the hope that they think about where i am coming from and realise, ACTUALLY HE HAS A POINT. then they apologise and we can get on with our lives.

This has taken a lot of effort, compassion, patience and forgiveness from everyone involved. I just think about how my life would have turned out if i didn't have my dad's financial support and my mums love and kindness to help me get through my hellish times. There has been so many I can't begin to tell you.

So in summary, while i sound very angry and bitter in my first few texts, this is unrepresentative of just how much i love my parents. Especially my mother who despite her flaws is an amazing loving woman who i respect, forgive and love with all my heart.

Now i am confused. I feel they owe me an apology still but maybe it's society, my school, teachers, friends, peers and ultimately g-d who owe me one too.

If that isn't coming then i have to get on with my life without it. As sad as that is for me, i have to do it to survive. In recent years my mum has almost single handedly kept my head above water. That deserves respect and i feel a bit guilty bitching about her on here.

If she and my father say sorry i vow i will never mention my painful childhood ever again to them in an angry way. I just need closure.

Thanks to everyone else for their supportive messages. The world needs educated. ASPIES UNITE. xx

I think what you really need more than anything is vindication. For them, or someone who you respect, but preferably them, to acknowledge that they were wrong and should have handled things differently, and bear some responsibility for how things turned out. I totally feel you on that one. My Mother denies she ever did anything wrong when I was growing up. It's all in my head according to her.

I do have some questions though, which you may have answered and I didn't read carefully enough. By hit, do you mean spanked or hit like you hit someone you are angry at, in the face or arm etc? We have spanked our kids when they were younger, but always on the bottom, and never for things like not doing the dishes or a chore. We only spanked for things that were dangerous or destructive.

As a parent, I'm sure I've made many mistakes with mine, but I did the best I could do and knew how to do. I would admit that I was wrong, if I felt I was and if my kids ever came to me and said they felt I was wrong or unfair, etc. Of course they have said I was unfair or mean over the years but that's when they were younger and I would let an older sibling do something I wouldn't let them do, or they were being punished for something and I wouldn't "unground" them for something they wanted to do. But if they came to me as an adult and said that they were upset about their childhood, I would certainly want to talk about whatever incidents they were upset by and listen to their side and explain my side so we could both understand each other. I'd take responsibility for my own decisions and admit it if it was unfair, etc. I'd also want them to try and understand it from my point of view and why I did what I did. Will your parents not even talk to you and have a conversation about it? You would think they would want the chance to explain to you why they made the decisions they did. I can't imagine wanting your child to feel the way you feel. I'm not saying that you aren't truthful, etc. I'm saying that I can't imagine parents not talking about it, and that maybe they are those kind of parents who are in denial about everything and the whole "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything" type people.

I do hope you get your vindication. It's really needed and it really sucks to not get it. My husband and kids have always thought I was just blowing things out of proportion about my Mother, because she was only like "that" to me, and only in private. She was never mean in front of anyone else. Now, she has turned on my other kids, and favors my oldest son and is horrible to my younger kids and has actually been extremely mean to me in front of my husband, and they now see how she is, so that vindication does help, the fact that they see and acknowledge it now. It's taken a very, very long time for them to finally see it. It would help if I got the vindication from her, but I doubt that will ever happen. I have a friend whose mother was similar, and being the only child also, she took care of her mother despite her meanness until her mother died. She tried again to talk to her mother shortly before she died, and even on her deathbed, her mother couldn't admit she had ever been wrong about anything. So, it doesn't always happen. You don't always get the vindication you need. I hope that the comments here have helped, and I hope that you can at least get your Mom to talk to you about your past and discuss it and acknowledge how you felt and her part in that.

Frances

Hi Olive, yet another kind email from the beautiful folk with Aspergers (wish everyone was like us - without the paranoia and anxiety of course)

So in answer to your email, my mum sounds kinda similar to yours. SHe has a habbit of shutting me down when she is in the wrong or feels awkward talking about which is damn frustrating.

As for hitting, mum nipped, but dad smacked my ass, never punches in the face, hence i downgraded the term abuse. Nevertheless, it was very damaging to my self esteem and it happened regularly. The slight violence wasnt the issue, that was the cherry on top of the cake. What really got me was the verbal abuse and manipulation. I got punished for behaviour out of my control and when you are just a kid your only defense is to be obnoxious. That led to further punishment and further down the spiral i went.

That was just my home life. I cant be bothered going into all the things that happened at school, but god really wanted me to have a tough upbringing because i was born Jewish and my parents decided to send me to a protestant school. You can imagine the rest, but i did get beaten there good and proper until one day after my parents wouldnt let me leave i just told everyone i was leaving after 5 years of hell and failure.

Then on to uni where i failed everything, still had no idea why i was different. Got into drugs, took Ecstasy and Cannabis which opened my eyes somewhat but also despite giving me new found confidence (helped get some very tasty young ladies back to mine....) the drugs let me even further down the spiral and i hit rock bottom. Got a few jobs, got fired, but was always VERY good at telesales. I have gift of the gab thanks to my ADD, but face to face sales made me nervous, my eye contact was awful and i get intimidated and distracted easily.

Where am i going with this reply? Wow you people know my life story. I dont want to moan too much, there were happy times as well but just not knowing what was wrong with me for SOOOOO Long was painful. I guess its made me mentally very tough but my daily fight with my moods (getting better) friends, family and colleagues, not to mention my anxious paranoid thoughts (getting easier now i quit weed) are a real challenge.

It's so tough being misunderstood in a punishing world that doesn't understand us. I guess that's why i wanna vent to you people because even though you are all just strangers, i feel we have a respect, solidarity and understanding,.....Something that is rare in the outside world.

I think we should all go on a march or do something that gets us noticed.

The kids of today are lucky, at worst they get diagnosed by age 10 latest. I was 34, and while it's never too late to turn your life around, i am quite bitter about my childhood. My friends growing up and MY MUM!! say dont be a victim. I would have loved to have known how they would have coped with my life.

DONT BE A VICTIM.....hahahah good one.

Please IM me, if you want to get to know me better, i love deep and meaningful chats, music and films....especially moving ones. The Notebook makes me cry. Don't tell anyone.

PM sent!

Frances

Ditto!