Who am I ?

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Hi, my name is Alex, i am 18, i am french.
I don't know if i have asperger or not. I know i am different but i have a hard time figuring out who i am.

Here are some of my traits :

- my main problem is that my personnality is completely plastic, I feel like an artist modeling myself according to my will. Sometimes i am an autist totally ignoring the people around me, even if i know them. Sometimes i'm a very confident person. Sometimes i am in between. I can go from one mode to the other as i like.

- in every case, i have no empathy for people, i've never have. My mother told me that when i was 3, i wasn't interacting with other children, they were playing, and i was just looking around. I've always had troubles with people of my age.
When i turned 15, my body changed, and i started to get a lot of attention from girls. I didn't notice those girls were attracted until a friend told me. Now i can recognise an attracted girl quite easily. But i don't feel the need of loving someone, just a sexual need.

- i'm clever and curious. I am interested in almost everything. I learnt a lot of things by myself and i'm constantly learning. Learning is my hobby. I've always been in the top students in high school (first in math, physics and biology) without doing much.

- i'm extremely lazy. I could spend days sleeping. Even when i feel good, i have trouble doing something i don't want to do.
I had troubles in my first year of college because of this.

- i created routines to overcome my laziness. In college, i have to work to get good grades. My routines are efficients.

- i have troubles getting excitement. I'm not interested in drugs, alcohol, or breaking the law, because it's just stupid, and i don't like stupid risks. Knowledge inspires me. Sometimes i like playing with girls i don't know, i like playing with eye contact, but i never talk to them.
Sometimes i get euphoric, can't explain it. Just feeling extremely good and laughing alone.

- As you can tell, i'm pretty lonely. I just have 2 friends i see quite often.

Maybe you can help me with this.
Excuse me for my lame english.

You sound like you have the flexible sense of self due to lack a true sense of self on some level. that's my main issue, l suspect it just leads to my other weird qualities.

That's present in some people with AS and not others. Some people with AS are not at all able to be anyone but themselves.

lt's not something described in the diagnostic criteria. in fact the traits described in the criteria would be more aligned with a person who has a hard time imitating others or picking up different character traits easily.

So l'm not sure how it relates to AS, l think it's an inconsistent trait within some subgroups of AS and something that you also see in other disorders. Sociopathy unfortunately being one, l know for sure l'm not one. l did wonder as a younger person, only because l had no other concept to compare the flexible self to.

You talked about lacking empathy and l'd rally try to examine what you mean by that.

ln AS it leads to the inability to take on those different character traits so easily and is basically a lack of cognitive empathy. People with other disorders may have excellent cognitive empathy and little affective empathy.

l might describe my issue as lacking just enough affective empathy to feel disconnected , but not to be anything near a sociopath.

With newer definitions of empathy operating on a scale for all people, though l don't agree with the way some disorders are scored on the scale l do think it's possible for NTs to lack cognitive or affective empathy and resemble a number of different disorders without fitting the criteria for any.

lt could be that it's the cause of the disconnect in autism, there's no reason an NT might not have the same disconnect as a singular trait or with a few other quirks.

We are actually quite similar - around your age I actually had a massive identity crisis on top of that (usually happens around 18 or so). It sorted itself out about a year later. While I still can change modes, the trick was to actually define yourself, even if you have to sit down and write it out. Do not know? Then pick what you like from your different modes and merge them together. Ask yourself, What are the rules that govern your life? What are you good at? What are you bad at? In what conditions? Etc.

Other than that, you sound like you have alexythemia, on top of being an aspie (they usually coexist). One thing with Alexythemia is that you have trouble favoring one thing over another, can be very indecisive. You do not lack emotion, it just does not properly register - so you might not know what makes you happy/sad beyond the levels of like and dislike. However you might also spontaneously express emotion for no reason (that euphoric feeling). They are sometimes called human robots.

You also sound like you are aromantic, which is basically lacking romantic attraction to people. May not have interest in relationships at all.

The lazy thing is fairly normal.

I guess it's more about affective empathy.

By lacking empathy, i mean not giving a damn about what other people feel.

Sometimes I'am even sadist.
I'm really living the American Psycho thing : " My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis; my punishment continues to elude me, and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. "

I also thought about sociopathy/psychopathy (i don't know which one is right, some people say it's the same thing, some people don't)

But i don't think i am a sociopath since i am not impulsive, i don't take unconsidered risks, i don't cheat on people (i don't need to)

Your answer is quite relevant