First off, I'd like to apologize it this is posted in the wrong forum. It's probably going to be a long read, but I want to get it out there.
Second, I'd like to say that while I have not been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, I did score over 100 on my own brutally honest GADS (which is way above the high/probable 80) and scored 78 on my dad's (borderline) and finally a 73 on my teacher's evaluation.
I'm not sure when I learned about Aspergers, but I know that once I found out about it, I really thought that it was an explanation for why I was so... Odd.
So my story starts, I guess in middle school. All the details before this, while I'm sure would support the diagnosis of Aspergers, are not relevant to the story I wanted to tell. This is the most brutally honest I've ever been with anyone, minus the details of my home life... so please, don't make fun of me.
6th grade rolls around and most of my life (excluding 5th grade, which was brutal) has been a happy time for me. I never had a lot of friends, I had trouble making friends. I was sitting in my advisory class on the fourth day of school, when in walked a new girl. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Instantly, I felt drawn to her, but I couldn't bring myself to say two words to her. I barely squeaked out a hello. She told the teacher she didn't have a locker, and the teacher said that all of her lockers were used up, however; she failed to mention the girl that was supposed have the locker next to mine had moved. I told the teacher, "so and so moved, she can have the locker next to mine." I really pushed for her to get the locker next to mine. She never really was interested in me, and I could never bring myself to approach her despite the fact she eventually did get the locker adjacent to mine. I quickly got a reputation for being "that annoying kid." I often made completely immature jokes or saying perverted things. I had little to no friends, and the only friend who I felt close to was Mr. popular. A year goes by, and I'm still not friends with the girl, i'm basically hated by all of my peers for my immaturity and lies (but i had no reason to._.) seventh grade rolls around, and on the first day I see my gigantic crush. She looks so beautiful, and I tried to talk to her... But she didn't hear me or ignored me and walked away. Why could I talk so much to two or three (mr. Popular and my new best friends that were twins - a little older than me (2 years). Somehow,
i got her email address - i think it was written on one of her school projects. I hadn't even heard of facebook or myspace, so I sent her an email, out of character. She denied it was her, she gave a fake name. I kept talking to her. I asked her partner from the project if the email was her own or her partners, and she said it was her partner. To be sure, I asked who her partner was. Surprise, surprise. It was the girl who had her locker next to mine. I kept talking to her, at that point i insisted it was her ("i have evidence"). Well, she gave up. We became close friends, but she only talked to me through AIM, texting, etc. meanwhile mr popular never let me sit at his lunch table. I didn't understand that. I sat with other kids, and they never wanted me at their table. Then, i sat with a friend i got close to, Roger. Roger was a year younger than me and had skipped a grade. he had been diagnosed with aspergers. we played paper chess and go at lunch. we were a lot alike. we both got great grades without trying - i don't think i ever truly did homework. Eight grade rolls around and was the worst year of my life for a while. I caught mr popular talking about me behind my back, laughing at me. He lied to my face when i confronted him(i believed him.)
His other best friend bullied me. He constantly told me about how everyone hated me. How annoying i was. --- i once lied about having aids because kids were picking on me and i thought it might make them stop... Why did i do that? He continued to pick on me until oneday in 8th grade i had had enough. he sat next to me in my math class, and he lit my fuse on a bad day. i punched him as hard as i could square in the face. He stopped talking to me after that, he didn't fight back because he didn't want to get in trouble and miss his fieldtrip. Mr popular's exgirlfriend told me he talked bad about me all the time. She was fairly pretty, too. She later --- i don't know when --- was the first person to ever mention Aspergers to me. I didn't want to believe her. I changed my mind on and off about it. Prior to her saying that, I actually got mr popular in trouble. 4 hours of detention. I went (invited myself) to his friend's house with him after school one day. His dog started humping my arm, so they video'd it. The bully (his other friend) saw the video and started bullying me again and made fun of me and said things about my family (out of his ass.) i almost fought him there, again. But i promised my dad that if he let me move in with him and out of with my mom, i wouldn't fight anymore. I excused myself from class told the counselor he was bullying me again and why. I wanted him to get in trouble. Instead of him getting in trouble... They brought in mr popular and his friend whose house i went to, and they got in trouble despite my attempts to explain that i thought the video was funny and that i didn't care if the showed people like on youtube but i was mad at the bully that i already punched for starting things again. Mr popular stopped talking to me. I had never been to his house, but i biked over there to apologize. I met his mom, she pulled up at the same time i did. He was at his dad's. i said i was just seeing if he was around to talk, and she said no. She asked my name and when i told her... Her demeanor changed. She told me not to talk to him. Not to try being a friend to him. To get lost. So i did.
I moved in the middle of that year in the aftermath. Started over. Not much to tell at the new school. Mr popular and i weren't friends, roger and i lost contact, mr popular's ex and i skyped sometimes, ms beautiful was one of my closest friends, the are were still my best friends to this day.
I was living with my dad now. I talked to ms beautiful every day. She knew well of my feelings for her. Incidentally, we sparked a long distance relationship (which she later said was never a relationship) when she decided to give me a chance. I saw her at christmas and kissed her, that's it. I was 14, so i didn't pursue sex or anything. When i left, and she said that we were always going to be just friends, i cursed her out. I had never felt so hurt. I called her a heartless b***h.
My dad got promoted and we moved again from ohio to florida. I fit in okay there. I was growing up, so i didn't only talk about pokemon and yugioh and say things like i loved my 360 more than my mom. (I still can't get rid of some things from my childhood because i love them more than most people in my life)
A lot of things happened all at once. My best friend, mr video games, and i would sit alone at lunch. I went to college and high school at the same time. I met a girl there, ms jewish, that i dated for a short time. We made out and i got to 2nd base with her --- later i found out she wasn't as willing as i thought. She broke up with me. I didn't care. Mr video games started dating her. A friend of mine from ohio, his little sister started talking to me on fb. I was shy because she was pretty. I was a goody goody (meaning i didn't get in trouble or smoke or drink or do anything bad despite being immature) like her. So we talked. I lied to her a lot over stupid stuff for no real reason other than i wanted her to like me. And she did. A lot. i didn't feel for her what she felt for me. And because of her parents, we never had a label. I talked to another girl from my childhood in st louis... I visited my aunt and uncle and grandma and mom (although i hated her). I tried to get her to give me a blowjob (cause i was a 16 year old kid) and she almost did. My friend's little sister that liked me later found out by accessing my fb. At first i didn't care. But then when i realized how sh***y a person i was for it, all the social anxiety depressed me to no end.
And that's when i met the whole point of this story. Mr video game's little sister - gracie (a year younger than me). She was awkward, like me. She had few friends, like me. I couldn't say two words to her, hardly, i was too nervous to be in the same room as her. I did add her on skype and talk to her every day for hours on end. Her best friend (sami) got interested in me and got jealous of the attention i was giving gracie. So she said bad things about my friend trying to get me to only pay attention to her - despite the fact gracie is bi and was in a relationship with another girl. I told gracie what she said. She didn't believe me at first, and i didn't know that Sami had feelings for me then until recently, (I thought she was leading me on).
I should say that gracie and i got close. When i moved back to ohio after my dad retired in the air force just last summer, i moved back to ohio. I had went off on every girl in my life to that point, saying the meanest nastiest things I could think of. This includes ms beautiful, my brother's girlfriend of three years that cheated on him, the girl i tried to get a bj from, the girl who later became mr video game's girlfriend, then there was also the first girl i had sex with, mr popularity's exgirlfriend, everyone except for the one girl that i was never truly with because of her parents. Gracie too - she backstabbed me after i bought plane tickets to stay with mr video games by telling her parents she'd be uncomfortable having me stay with her. It was almost a trip that didn't happen because of her. I ignored her the entire time i was there and didn't speak to her for a while. I later found out she cut herself around the same time.. She said "trust me, you aren't the reason" but never told me why. Well, after much apologizing for that outburst (she said she forgave me) i started talking to her again. I visited her last month, and tried to confess that i loved her. But i couldn't. And then i found out she had a girlfriend, i was a little broken inside.
I told her last week i was thinking about suicide. I explained in depth why, and that her being with someone else is not the reason... Well, less than a week after that she stopped talking to me completely. She just deleted me on fb. I don't know how to feel...
I left out a lot of other things because it was running quite long... Details about other people, my relationships with them... Just the general outline here. I left out how i have an obsessive personality (i can tell you any ufc stat or fact you wanted to know. Any trivia fact at all and I know it. Same thing with my other obsessions).. But i hoped someone out there could relate. Why do i always lash in huge temper tantrums at people i care about when they hurt me? Why do i regret being such a bad person, but continually make the same mistakes? Why do i care about things more than people? Why do i have such trouble talking to people i don't know? I talk a ton to people i like, but when meeting someone i can't say two words? Why am i drawn towards the socially awkward girls that don't have many friends, especially the pretty ones... I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes. I thought i'd share my story and see if anyone can relate... This was a real hard thing for me to be honest about.. I realize some things may be unclear so feel free to ask questions and I'll do the best i can explaining. Any advice, insight, info, or anything would be helpful. I was hated in middle school for saying immature things, for being annoying an a brat... I mean... I was probably oblivious to a lot of the things i did. I had (and have) a ton of social anxiety still. Aspergers honestly makes me feel like there's an honest reason I am the way I am (not an excuse, a reason) and from the research I've done, it seems like the missing piece. It fits too well to not at least be considered...
Thanks for reading - SilvaGoat23
18 Jul 2013, 3:09 pm
