Struggling with partner and her friends.

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Hi guys, new here, sadly this is my first post.

Quick background (will post a detailed thread on my Aspergers at some point): I was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult. It took all these years for a doctor to see something wasn't quite right with me. I'm now 29 years old, and have missed out on so much support in life.

Here is my problem - which seems to be a continuing problem. I dislike friends. I dislike having to engage in any social situation. I am highly judgemental of other people to the point where others think I'm "up my own a**". The 1 friend I do have shares so many things in common with me that I sort of feel comfortable around him, but even after all these years of being friends with him I will still avoid a social situation with him if I can.

My girlfriend makes friends with the oddest people. I call them low life scum. I hope I don't offend anyone, I seem to always be doing that at the moment. They literally are the sort of people that have no desires in life, sit around on Job Seekers, take no pride in their personal appearance or their life. If you're in the UK and you've seen the TV program "Benefits Street" this is them.

Anyway, one of them knocked the door, and my girlfriend invited him in for a cup of coffee. Then asked me to come downstairs and say hello. Well, as you can imagine I was filled with anger and rage. Firstly there was someone in my house who I do not even know, and to top it off he's the type of person I certainly don't want to make friends with. She kept coming upstairs to tell me to stop being anti social. Even though she's been aware of my Aspergers for a year, she seems to want to force friendships on me.

I have expensive possessions in my house. The type of stuff that low life people would love to steal. So I was annoyed that someone I didn't even know can now see everything I own. It takes me a long time to trust someone enough to allow them into my home.

By my partner knows all this. Yet she goes against the grain. I've told her that she either has to accept me for who I am, and maybe with professional help I can try to change my thinking, or she leaves. Because stuff like this angers and upsets me so much.

This may seem stupid to a normal person. She doesn't understand my thinking, so I can only assume I'm doing something wrong here.

But my feelings are still the same. I don't like friends. I don't like people. So how am I supposed to live with stuff like this if my partner can't even understand me?

Just a little frustrated. We ended up in an argument.

How did you meet and establish a relationship with your girlfriend?

On a Facebook application called Zoosk back in 2008.

I was living in a room whilst I was at University. We spoke for months online, then one day I plucked up the nerve to meet. I had to get a bit drunk. The first months in our relationship I always had to drink when we were together to feel normal. Then slowly I learnt to trust her and accept her. She understood my problems, although at the time I was undiagnosed.

We've had numerous problems, almost on a weekly basis at times, because of the way I act and think. I do understand I have problems, and I sort of get that it's not always easy for her to deal with. I can be very demanding at times and difficult to live with.

Having a close NT friend or partner is often good as they urge new experiences for those on the spectrum. They get us to do new things that we're uncomfortable with get us to talk to people we don't want to talk to and usually that is a good thing.

This is true. But it seems that however many times I do things I am uncomfortable with I can never get used to them. These then spark anxiety, panic attacks etc. Anxiety itself is an entirely different beast, mix that with Aspergers and you have a pretty awful cocktail of problems to deal with.

I wish all of this was picked up when I was younger. Probably didn't help that I was raised in a single parent family where my Dad isn't really one to spot these sorts of things. And after struggling at school I left when I was 14 and just sat on a computer my entire life ever since. If it was picked up younger maybe I would have received the help to learn how to deal with these problems and they wouldn't have had such a major effect on my life as an adult. Aspergers has destroyed my life.

At the risk of being too blunt, well, do you love this woman? Your girlfriend? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? To me it sounds like she is trying to change your basic nature. There are plenty of aspies that dislike social encounters (a lot due to past negative experience) and live their lives quite contentedly alone. I'm not saying you're better off alone, just trying to put it into perspective you haven't told us how deep your feelings are for her...

I fail to see where she doesn't understand your thinking. Like, maybe she doesn't, but you've not indicated that she doesn't, except by the fact that she still wants you to be social.

You bring up an excellent point with that though, in that it's you perceive your thinking that's causing you issues. Not even necessarily your Asperger's. You see a shabby person and you automatically think they're likely to steal. What if they were more of an upstanding person in your eyes, would you have gone upstairs and been social then, pushed through anxiety etc? What if you, instead of thinking 'this person's a lowlife loser, I don't want to meet them', you held back on that assertion until -actually- meeting them? That's the thing with thoughts, they can be controlled, changed, mulled over, dissected. Our emotional reactions to them is what's the less controllable thing. Because of this, I wouldn't necessarily say that your gf doesn't understand you, but rather that she's trying to convince you to change you thoughts about him and also to change your actions. These are 2 very, very different things, not understanding and wanting a change.

I understand not wanting to be social for sure, and if I've got a bad moment going on, I would not have gone downstairs either. So I don't necessarily think you've done anything wrong. If situations like these are common, it would be frustrating yes, especially since it seems like it might be an ongoing issue that you know will crop up again and again. That said, a once a week argument doesn't seem excessive in terms of number of arguments for an otherwise good relationship.

Last edited by cavernio on 03 Apr 2014, 8:45 am, edited 2 times in total.

Uh, sounds like you need a more respectful girlfriend with less sleazy friends... or no girlfriend at all. If you dislike socializing so much, why would you even want one? Isn't that just torturing yourself? There are enough people out there who will do that for you. No need to aid them.

Right, one more thing, being social with someone, in my mind, doesn't mean you make them your friend. From the sounds of it, she perceived that you were being rude, displaying poor manners, and possibly (well, this is my assertion now) being judgemental.

Seems like you could both get around this by you giving in to her to have friends over, (this is her place too, right?) and she by giving into you by not expecting you to socialize when you don't want to.

I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever felt this "love" that others talk about. She tells me often she feels unloved, but that's because I find it difficult to show or receive affection. Cuddling, kissing, holding hands, watching romantic movies, going out for a meal etc. are all things I rarely do.

Do I care about her? Yes I care. Do I want to be with her. Yes I do. When we split up, it's often incredibly difficult for me to cope. I am not sure whether it's because it's a massive change, and I'm sleeping on my mother sofa when it happens, or it's because I genuinely feel for her, or maybe it's because I worry that she might find someone else before giving us time to work through problems.

When we split up, she asks me to do certain things. To show her more affection. To make her feel loved. And for the first day I return home it's all fine, and we're like two lovebirds. Then it dips. Then I sink back into my usual routine which is to seclude myself on the computer all day every day (her words, not mine). I'm actually happy to sit on the computer all day. I'm a computer programmer and musician, so it's suits me.

But then this doesn't suit her. And when I'm away from the computer, doing something that I really don't want to be doing, I get agitated, moody, feel low and this affects the time she wants us to spend together.

We have a child. It's not mine, but I've raised him for 6 years. I do my best for him. Finding time for him, and giving him the time he needs with his stepdad is challenging. But I try to make the time. The other day I was asked to read him a story in bed, for the first time. I kid you not, this was harder than it looks. I was constantly aware of whether I was doing it right, whether he was enjoying it, or whether he was thinking I'm silly or stupid ... and he's only 7!

I do want to remain with her yes. I would like to think that the feelings I have towards her are love, in my own way.

Last edited by TheGeekMan on 03 Apr 2014, 9:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

It feels comfortable at times being in a relationship, but the high demands of maintaining one is sometimes torture. But even when in a relationship I resort to the office area of the house and remain there alone for most of the day. I'm probably not the best boyfriend material.

I honestly don't know what the issue is or where it's coming from. Living all these years with these issues that seem to cause problems for other people, without knowing what causes them, has clouded my perception and ability to understand what is causing me to behave this way. Is it ingrained? Is it just who I am? Is it a bad habit I've picked up?

When faced with a choice to either change my behaviour or face a sever consequence such as breaking up and having to rebuild my life - which is daunting to say the least, I still can not change. So I'd like to believe that I'm not all to blame for my actions if other people are offended by them.

But being friends does require being social. And I can't even be social. So I can't maintain a friendship because I don't like being social at all. Yes, this is her place too. Even the thought of me accepting that she invites these people into my home is giving me the jitters though. I know it's the right thing to do, but being present in those situations will be challenging.

Is it something I will eventually get used to do you think?

Well I wish I could talk to her, or rather, better yet, have her read up on some NT/AS books, she will have to ask you things directly that make her feel loved and those will not come naturally at first but will come with time. Then you're used to showing her your love and she can back off with the requests and you can feel like you accomplished something concrete because you were given clear directives.

There is no way to bully an asperger person into socializing, it has the opposite effect, imho. I would, in your situation, start compromising some computer time to spend with her, really look into how much time you need versus how much time she needs with you, it might take some clever scheduling or odd hours of the night programming.

Ultimately, both of you have to do things that put you out of your comfort zone. True love is the willingness to do this for the other person wholeheartedly. I'm saying this as a partner to a man for going on 14 years and I'm a diagnosed aspie, he's suspected. I was in therapy for a while to learn boundaries and controlling my emotions; this was the most challenging period for us since we really had no idea of boundaries and how they made us even more comfortable with each other.

You will have to set some boundaries on the visitors to your home, as any self-respecting member of a house would do. I have brought weirdos in to my house and my hubby was like wtf!? so I know how much trouble it can cause, especially to people so used to familiar surroundings without said stranger in them.

A very insightful answer. Thank you for this

Oh you're asking me for something so specific now! I don't know if you'll get used it or not. How long did it take you to get used to your gf? What about your stepson? I mean, everyone has the capacity to learn things and gets used to them. It does take time though, just like anything. But just like anything new, you can make it a part of who you are and what you do. It might be hard if it's sporadic invitations though, like if it happens only once one month then like, 4 times a week for a little bit. Something like that might be harder for you to get used to.

At the same time though, if you end up going to socialize with some of the time, know that you're not alone and by yourself with them. If your gf does understand you, and is kind, understanding etc, you should be able to lean on her. She should be a support for you, socially, mentally, morally. She'll have your back if you flub up, or if you barely say 2 words, she'll fill in the gaps or try to as best she can. Just do your best to keep an open mind about these strangers. Afterwards, tell her how you felt about the whole situation, was is super stressful? Was there something that could have been done to make it less stressful on her part? On your part? What moments weren't so bad? Why do you think? What moments were the worst and again, why? Would you be able to do something like that again with a completely different person? What about the same person?

Just to make myself clear, I'm not sure it's necessary that you BE present in those situations. Like, if she's got a really good friend she keeps inviting over, yeah, you should go down and meet them at some point. Also, if she's got the same person coming over more regularly, you'll be more likely to get used to them, and start to trust them, and perhaps even appreciate and like them. But there are limits to what you'll be able to deal with, and how much you can interact with people, and maybe those limits are just lower than what she's willing to accept they are. Or maybe you can be more social and still feel alright. The only way to know for certain is to try, and try something longterm too, because that's how you'll become used to it, if you will be able to become used to it.

I'm a bit more concerned about your lack of showing affection to your gf reading some of your replies. One thing you could do about that is specifically schedule time to be with her, or specifically plan for yourself, in your head or even written down, that you'll make an effort to talk to her or interact with her in some other way. From the way it sounds, you quite enjoy being loving and caring towards her, but you just don't act that way because you're content to not. So, scheduling time with just her doesn't seem like it will stress you really. Rather, if you do it enough, spending more time with her will become habit. I certainly have found that in my relationships, that the time I spend interacting with them becomes the thing I just do, not the thing I need to make myself do.

Not that I'm a relationship expert here though, grains of salt and all that.