Feeling guilty for being myself.

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Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Sometimes I become incredibly bogged down with guilt for just being who I am. Quiet, introverted, a person who has never been able to fit in and has, often times, zero interest in communicating with others. I feel like it's all my fault for just being who I am that people who cared for me had to worry and stress constantly because I could never 'click' right with others, I was always alone and 'odd', I was teased, etc. When I see them worry for me, and display concern for my lack of close friendships even though there's nothing wrong, I feel awful. I feel like a disappointing, useless person.

I've been feeling this way for the past few days and I suppose I could use some encouragement or advice from fellow people on the spectrum for these feelings of shame and guilt for not being the norm. I'm really just not sure what to tell myself. Is it okay to not want to socialize?

I can totally relate. I feel guilty very often actually. I also have times when I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I had an episode on Friday where I felt really ashamed. When I go down south I usually stop at a big grocery store called Wegman's. I have some things that I always get there that I can't find locally. But they have a food court with pretty good food and a nice bakery as well. So I usually end up getting there around dinner time. I have a routine where I have a little dinner in the food court, I always sit in the same section in the upper balcony, then after I eat I go downstairs to the bakery and I have them give me a sample cookie. Then I buy a few cookies to take home, do the rest of my shopping and go. Well when I asked for my sample cookie on Friday, the lady refused to give it to me. She said they only give samples to kids. I have had other say that too but they usually don't mind giving me one and always do. But this lady absolutely refused. So I said I would pay for it. But she still refused. Then she pointed me to the cookie area and said that if I wanted to buy a cookie I would have to get one over there. But that was not the point. The point was that it was my routine to be given one and then go buy one and even if I had to pay for the one I was given, that was fine, but I still, for whatever reason needed to be given it. Then she got angry and kept telling me I had to go to the counter and I started panicking a rocking and was about to cry. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal and I should just leave but it was like I was stuck. I wanted to leave but I couldn't no matter what I did. I felt silly and ashamed and embarrassed and no matter how logical it was to just leave and forget about the cookie, I was in such a panic an in so much confusion and inability to sort this out that I could not move. It was like I could not figure out what to do next, where to go, what to do, it was like my brain had come to a halt. When she saw that I was about to have a meltdown she said, "well what kind do you want?" I told her I did not care I just needed to be given one. So with an attitude, she grabbed one and dropped it. Then she grabbed another one, weighed it, put the price tag on and gave it to me. Once she handed it to me all the anxiety went away and I was able to continue on with no problem.

I spoke to the girl at customer service about it and I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I had to have that happen. But she apologized and offered to reimburse me. I said I was fine to pay for it but asked if she could just talk to the lady and tell her that when a special needs person asks for a cookie, don't argue, If the want me to pay for it that is fine but don't argue about whether or not they can hand me one. And it's not a question about them not being able to physically hand me one because they give one to every child so they can hand one to me. And it they want to charge me I am happy to pay for it. So she apologized again and said she would talk to the lady and that I should not be embarrassed or ashamed. She said she completely understood and that Autism was not a foreign thing to her. And she also said that I could have a free sample cookie anytime I wanted. So that made me feel better.

But I do understand the guilt that you feel and all the other feelings that we can experience like embarrassment and shame. I do hope you feel much better soon.

And it is completely okay to not want to socialize. I don't want to all the time either. But see if you can work through the feelings and identify what specifically is triggering them. Sometimes that is extremely difficult to do and you just have to let it pass but if you can do that it will help. Sometimes I feel guilty the way you describe after a trigger from a conversation where I just feel like a total failure because I can't so or understand things that I feel that I should. When I can identify the trigger it helps because then I realize that the guilt was triggered by something specific so it does not have to apply to me completely about everything. Then I can try to think of ways that I do have success like in my special interest and then I realize that I am not a total loser and that really helps me. But I do understand how you feel.

Hello skibum. I am sorry that happened to you. Those kinds of things can be really hard to explain to people who don't have the same problem because it is something difficult to understand. My need for routine is not as intense as yours, but I do become very stressed out and upset about some certain routines in particular. For example, my coffee in the morning. It has become an item of comfort to me to have it every single morning and if I am unable to I get very upset, bothered and feel off the entire day. It is not about waking up, I drink decaf or even sometimes just water or something like that and I wake fine without the coffee, I just want a drink in my hands in the morning. I need it. I also need to go the same route somewhere every single time in the car -- if this is changed suddenly I become overly anxious and grumpy.

I am glad that there are people who understand, even though I am on a very mild part of the spectrum and sometimes I feel like I should stop complaining because there are others who share the same problems but much more severely. I know that is a silly concern of mine, because we are all a community and here to support each other no matter what end of the spectrum we are on, but I'm a human being, so I worry about silly things.

Thanks for your words. You are a very kind person. I have seen your posts a lot and you give very good advice. I have been feeling a lot better after having a talk with myself. I am usually not upset or feeling that I am unfortunate to have asperger's -- I actually think it is a gift for me. I may struggle a lot in some aspects, but I also have many incredible gifts and talents that I firmly believe I would not have otherwise. However, because those struggles and weaknesses that you have are so prominent in a loud, social modern society, sometimes you just can't help but have a bad day and feel bad, but I am back to feeling alright again.

I try to remember the only 'Bad Me' is when I try to be something else than Me. Like the only bad steak is chicken, or the only bad crayon is a marker.

If we judge what something should be by something that it is not- it will always be wrong, lacking and troublesome.

YOU are a perfect YOU

This - exactly. I have in the past let myself feel guilty about being myself, and there are still times when it gets to me. But I'm much happier since learning that this is just who I am, there's really no such thing as normal, and if there were I wouldn't likely get along with that person. Learning to love myself and forgive myself - and just let myself be - has been one of my most important life lessons. I forget now and then, and become quite unhappy. That's my clue that something is wrong with how I'm looking at things. Unhappy? Change perspective.

You have zero obligation to fit in, or communicate, or what not. If they cause trouble for you (apart from the guilt thing), you've got a problem. But if not having close friendships or whatever is not a problem for you, there is no reason to feel bad just because others think it should be a problem.

I also feel insecure when my routines are interrupted. I try to limit the number of small routines in my life because I know it's not safe to count on something that's out of my control.

I wish I could be this way. I just don't know how to shed the guilt. Growing up, I was taught basically to love God and hate myself. I've moved on from the first part because it wasn't adding anything to my life; it's the loving and forgiving myself part that is difficult. Despite my near-isolated lifestyle, on some level I suppose I still crave the approval and understanding of others. But being honest about myself just makes that harder to obtain.

I sometimes feel guilty for being born, mainly when I'm feeling really down and upset.

I have definitely felt worthless and guilty for much of my past and the feeling lingers, though not as strongly. Is this helping, though, or hurting? Sometimes, if I look back on old journal entries, it all comes back even though I'd been doing very well, and I might feel miserable and shy for days. Sometimes "stewing" is a necessary part of healing, but it can also be unhealthy.