The site where they BASH Aspie husband and wives. :O

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As a kid who needed little instruction and always finished assignments quickly, I wish I'd been allowed to work in the library! Get my stuff done in 15-20 minutes and spend the rest of the hour reading? Yes, please!

I very much agree with this, btbnnyr. A diagnosis should never be a crutch or an excuse.

Of course, making excuses for oneself is a very common thing though. Most, if not all, people do.


But...
It's interesting though that certain individuals complain about being mocked, yet support and defend those who mock (and even deliberately set off) special needs people's meltdowns or shutdowns. Those people on that site are supposed to be normal, so WTH is their excuse? And towards their SO no less.

This kinda makes me think of a book I came across when browsing Asperger books online. It was about what it was like to grow up the sibling of a disabled person. My reaction to this is pretty much what I felt then: "oh boo-hoo, try being this way!"

The very fact that they refer to themselves as victims

And as far as egg shells go... Join the club! NTs claim to not get why we react the way we do. We often don't get how a lot of them will react to what we say either, and are surprised, frustrated and /or confused when they get upset or angry or offended over nothing because they add meaning that isn't there. Aspies know everything about walking on egg shells! Welcome to our world. You'll have to excuse me if I'm not very sympathetic to NTs getting a small insight to the aspie experience.



Dear elkclan, regarding your husband's critical attitude:





pure guess work, but: either hubby thinks his criticisms are funny (in which case he'd do it to more people), or he doesn't realize how bad they make you feel (in which case he'd do it to more people), or he thinks raising certain issues with friends is a good way to resolve things (guess that depends on the friends ...does he notice their cringing ...do they give their opinion?) or he's just 'venting' for want of something better to say, or he tries to make you look bad so that he doesn't look so bad himself, or he thinks shaming you will make you behave differently. Of course there are other possibilities, but, at the end of the day, assuming he is at all capable of having a calm and rational conversation ...if he really doesn't do it to people who have some power over his life (like his boss), then he may be taking you for granted ~ that you spend alot of time with him means you're likely going to be around when he experiences unwelcome changes, so you can't avoid dealing with the fall-out, BUT if he has come to see you as a problem to be lashed out at at such times, instead of a loyal partner who'd like to help him get thru such ordeals, then he needs to work on that, right away.



absolutely right ~ if he's already diagnosed as having neurological problems then the biggest hurdle to getting considerate help has already been removed. Couples therapy might be an option, but if he's unpleasantness is due to him being terrified all the time and being too scared to admit it, he won't want you there ...at first, anyway. Maybe you could find a therapist for yourself, and, whether you explain your reasons for doing so or not, remind him that they don't gossip about their clients.



...and that is what makes ie couples go round and round in circles, making no real progress ~ unless each person has the head space to assess the situation without fear of judgement, or worse, that cycle is unlikely to change.



and then again, some of us see other's mental discomfort as a sign to calm down +/ back down ...but you can only back down so much without putting your own health at risk. If you can't figure your hubby out, maybe it's coz (on some level) he doesn't want you to; if he's not interested in talking to you about such complicated things that's ok, but he needs to thrash his concerns / issues out with someone.



taking a 'time out' when you've already gone past a certain pressure threshold can be at best difficult. A good therapist will not only consider psychological and neurological issues, but will also consider hormones and diet ~ they will try to reduce sensitivity wherever that's possible; the client will not be left wondering why they freak out like they do / will not be left wondering how to be more responsible.

I think people feel more justified in having that kind of prejudice about autism, because it's a neurological disability. The fear is that the person may not be able to control their own actions.

For a person who has experienced domestic abuse, it may be easier to blame a disability or disorder, and make it the scapegoat/excuse for the behavior, than to see their partner as choosing to behave that way.



There are known links between abuse and other disorders, but there is no evidence of a link between abusive behavior and autism. To suggest otherwise is irresponsible and could have a negative impact on the lives of thousands of autistic people who are NOT abusive.



Research is usually prompted by the need to prove a connection, not to prove the lack of a connection.



This is classic confirmation bias. You do not have an objective view on the matter to begin with, because of your personal experience.

The problem with using a forum to collect anecdotal information, is that the responses you see to any given topic are mostly affirmative of that topic. You may not hear from the people who have a different experience, because they simply do not respond to that topic.

For instance, for every one person who posts here telling that they had a violent outburst, there may be a handful who respond with a similar experience. But there are hundreds more who don't respond because they do not have those types of meltdowns. And there are thousands more posters who simply did not read the topic because it is not relevant to them.

The same is true of "not taking responsibility for one's actions" or "blaming their condition" or "being treated poorly by a partner with AS" or any number of other experiences that people may post about. People who have similar attitudes and experiences group together. It's not a good way to get a reliable sample of information.

Is it? (a typical aspie characteristic) I question that assumption.

I think it is typical of people with Asperger's to say things bluntly and directly. But that trait could manifest in a lot of different ways. It can also come across as charming or innocent. It is not necessarily going to manifest as being critical of other people. The latter is more a function of personality than neurology.

This is a sad thread. There's a lot of hurt from invested time and feelings, but fundamentally these relationships were incompatible. A person shouldn't have to proactively and constantly change their basic self in order to peacefully exist with another person. If conscious change is needed, they are incompatible. It's worse if this incompatibility is discovered after children have been brought into the equation, but they are still better off separating and trying to find happiness elsewhere. No one can be 'fixed',everyone is who they are.

Aspies are already conditioned such that this is normal day to day interaction.


I also take exception to any suggestion that communicated criticism makes that person toxic in some way, - a toxic personality.

ANYTHING that does not perfectly align with one's own view of reality can be seen as and perceived as critical. How this is addressed is purely a function of tolerance of other views.

Well I'll just chime in to say that I was a terrible partner to my ex-husband. And I blame my autism for the failure of our marriage. I couldn't even "connect" with him. Now I have realized that it is impossible for me to connect with anyone truly. My ex is NT and has done quite well without me.

I think people should make a concerted effort not to embarrass others.

It has nothing to do with "not wanting to look bad." It's bigotry, plain and simple.

Research has been done and the data does not support the hypothesis that people with AS are predisposed to violent or criminal behavior. To believe otherwise is ignorant at best, and spreading such false beliefs is wrong and hurtful.

This isn't directed specifically at you League Girl but it's important to mention these things when others start making bigoted remarks about people with autism.



I agree. Sometimes autism is unfairly used as a scapegoat and whatever the reason for the prejudice, it's ignorant and wrong to believe that autism can cause someone to be violent/abusive. There just isn't any evidence to support such a notion.



Touche!

Living with a partner who has AS/autism doesn't require one to change their basic self and any successful relationship requires some form of compromise on both sides to be healthy.

You misunderstand me, the statement above goes for both partners, AS or NT. Lots of relationships fail because the people involved are incompatible fundamentally. This could be in personality, values, aspirations etc before taking into account any disorders, abuse or violence. People are just people and they sometimes don't get on.
I'm in the UK and we really don't have a therapy culture over here, but the thread seems to be about how an unhappy relationship can be fixed is person A would just change and do X or person B would just be a little more tolerant and do Y. After a certain point we are who we are and life is to short to be miserable. Your partner is someone you really shouldn't have to 'tolerate' and if you find yourself having to do that you have probably chosen unwisely.

This is true. And there doesn't have to be a specific reason or explanation for it.

The people on AS Partners want an explanation for why it didn't work. To them the explanation, accurate or not, is Asperger's, rather than mutual differences. That way they can shift all the responsibility over to their partner. Especially useful for the ones who aren't ready to walk away yet.



I don't totally understand how people get to the point that they have been married for years, and have children together, before they figure that out, but I know it is very common.

I don't believe in "fixing," either two people want to be together, or they don't. If one partner wants out, there is nothing the other can do to make it work.



Exactly. I've been working on undoing that conditioning.

I don't know what people want...society isn't set up for us to be ourselves. Just to be able to survive, to have a job or whatever we have to do, we have to change, modulate, translate ourselves. But then when they notice you're not fully being yourself, they don't like that either. It's a maddening catch-22.

Also, it's actually false that autistic individuals are incapable of empathic responses. There may be misunderstandings due to neurological differences but there is research to suggest that once they know the emotional state of the other person, there is no evidence of impairment in autistics ability to respond empathically because the response is related to emotional empathy:



http://www.cog.psy.ruhr-uni-bochum.de/papers/2007/Rogers(2007)_JAutismDevDisord.pdf



http://www.researchgate.net/publication/7807723_The_validity_of_using_self-reports_to_assess_emotion_regulation_abilities_in_adults_with_autism_spectrum_disorder



http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18633852

NTs also need to learn to manage their behavioral responses to negative stimuli.
A lot of them tend to flip out when they overinterpret others' statements, whether the others are autistic or NT.

Yet another example where NTs need a mirror.

going by that definition, I would say it's an NT characteristic to call people out on things in public, being difficult on details (like demanding a cake has to come from one particular bakery), demand to have everyone do things exactly their way or else keep pestering people about it, being condescending, criticize someone for weight, looks and clothes, throw a bigger rock at someone, hit someone with a hammer, wanting to hit someone for accidentally beating them at something they're good at, being offended when someone not like them is smarter than them, deliberately insulting people offline and online), sexually abusing children, cheating on their partner, being a violent alcoholic, and the list goes on and on and on. After all, if one NT did it, that's enough right? It doesn't matter whether or not someone like me might do things like that too, because I understand now that I am only to see the splinter in their eyes.

It is so true what someone once said on a forum: "Unless a person is different enough to engender negative reactions off others on a regular basis the average person has no idea how cruel people can be. They live in ignorant bliss and no amount of trying to inform them what people are like will make any difference as they aren't experiencing it for themself. It's like living in a parallel universe."

We're so used to it, but the moment NTs experience the real world for themselves, they crumble and wither. "OMG, not everyone treat me well and pretend to adore me" I am so fed up with people who have nothing to complain about sounding like whiny brats (not by any means limited to the site in question in this thread; this is mostly a general rant).


Here's another charmer: http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartne ... sg=13327.1




The entire thread is full of lacking empathy and lacking theory of mind, on their part. They have no idea what it's like when you finally connect with someone who gets it through and through.
NTs have absolutely no more ToM than we do, if they did, they'd understand us but we not them. That is not the case. They have no clue about us.



http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartne ... sg=13360.1

What I hear is: "Both you and our son treats me like crap, so what would you care if I died"

Ah ha ha, LMAO. I wonder what bstn3 would think about a cure for AS. It's better for society so I wonder what she would think of it being forced on aspies. Personally I want a cure, but I think taking it must be optional for adults.

I wonder if the OP is aspie. It always starts out with them thinking they are NT and then the next step is knowing they have traits and then before you know it, they have finally gotten diagnosed with it. The OP hasn't gone to the 3rd stage yet.

I am surprised they treated the OP well but just as long as they don't know she is aspie. I guess they are okay with members with Asperger traits.