I am female and have never succeeded. Am I an aberration?

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You know, props to both of you, and I cannot disagree in the slightest. Ultimately you have to do what makes you happy, and if you can find that stability in yourself that's fantastic.

I've thought about working wherever I'm qualified (or in some cases over qualified) for, of which one place is a library. I applied to the ones in my vicinity once, and a second and third time after giving my resume several professional doctorings, but nothing materialized.

(I'm really sorry, btw! I appreciate you're trying your level best to help me, and I feel like I keep letting you down in my responses. I completely understand if you want to bow out of the thread!)

I think you're all right; I'm not the "bowing out" type---unless somebody really doesn't want me to "be there."

Comparing yourself unfavorably to other people (upward social comparison) is guaranteed to make you feel badly, so why do it? By contrast, comparing yourself to others who are worse off (downward social comparison) can make you feel relatively content, or grateful even, for what you do have.

My favorite comparison is to people who have profound challenges, such as Stephen Hawking or Christopher Reeve, and yet manage to function up to and even beyond their apparent ceiling. Stephen Hawking is well known but some of you are too young to remember Christopher Reeve, who starred in the Superman movie but was later paralyzed from the neck down due to a fall from a horse. Why he inspires me is that he continued to act (as a voiceover artist), and also directed, while that severely disabled.

These kinds of comparisons give me a gentle kick in the butt and a reminder that most of my limits and challenges are ones I only THINK I have. So I find this type of comparison the most productive of all.

The eagle of his nest
No easier divest
And gain the sky,
Than mayest thou,

Except thyself may be
Thine enemy;
Captivity is consciousness,
So’s liberty.

- Emily Dickinson

For a good part of my life, I have been improving in my personal/spiritual life over being slow to reach adult-type things. I can definitely relate to not experiencing many transition-to-adult things yet.

@IstominFan:

I have said book. Very cute. Re: your other post: follow your heart. It's admirable that you want to help people, so go for it! Have you considered collaborating with others on the spectrum for an event or project or charity drive of some kind?

@Kraftiekortie:

By all means, stay I'm just sorry if I seem to be shooting down all your attempts to help me.

@everyone else:

I apologise for not responding to everyone individually (assuming all posters in this thread even check back in at all). Oftentimes I'm simply at a loss for words. Doesn't mean your input isn't as valid or appreciated, though.

Ive never met the type of ASD women you describe, anyone I have encountered has struggled.
I think women who have a good support network may have a better chance at succeeding, to me this is an environment a person with ASD is born into.

Quite possibly. Not all, but a lot of the women I've met seemed to reflect this; they had strong familial relationships, loyal friends, and those who had received a childhood diagnosis had been supported thereafter. Those things certainly help someone's chances. That said, there are still quite a few who came from situations of emotional (and often financial) poverty at home, and/or weren't diagnosed until well into adulthood, yet have managed to succeed, so it's not necessarily about early advantages.


Not to anyone in particular:

Call me slow on the uptake, but I only recently (today, in fact) read about BAP (Broader Autism Phenotype), aka subclinical autism. At the risk of sounding discriminatory, perhaps this might be what a proportion of the all round successful women in question have, rather than a "full blown" form of ASD? How that accounts for their diagnosis of ASD I don't know, but it's not completely impossible. Just to clarify, I'm not saying life's a bed of roses for them, and that they don't struggle at times, but it's comparitively easier nevertheless. I really do apologize if that sounds offensive to anyone.

Agnwannooo - I did not become content with who I am overnight. It was many decades of struggle with periods of calm and stability in between. I did not mean for it to sound like it was easy. There is also no question that I was gifted with many things that made my "chances" better: white, middle class family in middle america, well educated parents, good schools. Other things lowered my "chances": female in an age where that still meant taking home ec instead of shop, and counselors telling me not to try for certain careers because women couldn't do them. Very "dysfunctional" family, etc. etc.

The point isn't that some people have it easier than you do, the point is that we have to play the hand we drew and "every hand's a winner" if you learn to play it right. Isn't that from a country western song??? Don't let other people define for you what is winning.

Hi blazingstar, thank you for your reply. If I'm missing the point--which I'm aware is something I often do--with what I'm about to say, I apologize, and please feel free to haul me up on it. Honestly, I'd rather know. It's not my intention to seem combative or twist anyone's words.

I don't mean to whinge, even if that is what I'm effectively doing. Really, I don't begrudge others their success, or resent those that seem to have it easier; I'm simply stating that, comparitively, it's easier for some (the majority of whom are female), and that I'm mystified why I haven't succeeded in spite of my efforts. I'm not under the impression that it's a walk in the park for even most females on the spectrum, nor that success just lands in their lap. The fact remains, however, that the less autistic you are, or appear, as a female, the better you generally do. I just feel hugely inadequate next to them, especially given that they're the norm.

I've applied repeatedly to a wide array of places; I've had my resume professionally doctored several times; I've attended social skills courses, read social skills related books, and tried to observe people in person and take note. Yet the lack of employment and social relationships speaks for itself. I'm not blaming other people for what may well be my own failings; what I do fail at is understanding how I'm going wrong. If someone would tell me, I could at the very least try to work on changing it, because being in my current state is not something I enjoy or want to perpetuate. People say if you dislike your life, change it. But how? To the best of my knowledge I'm playing all the cards I've been given.

You're entirely right in that success is subjective. I would dearly love to be happy with my lot, and see just surviving every day as a success for which I could be grateful, but I'm not. I want gainful employment or at least employment, a social life, and if possible a partner or husband. It would be fantastic to not have a slew of chronic illnesses, too, but they're incurable so that's out of the question. I can concede defeat on the love life front if need be, but the lack of employment and social life make me feel dehumanized. I don't want to just accept that this is the best it's going to get for me. Am I being too negative, do you think?

Again, please know I'm not trying to argue with you. I appreciate you're trying to help, and am very grateful to you (and everyone else who's chimed in) for that.

I agree. I think chance/luck/positive chaos (if you believe in such things) is another factor.



I guess everyone has a different experience of the spectrum, I've found that struggles are relative as the impact on the persons wellbeing tends to be similar, there are exceptions for non typical experiences of course.

Like most folk here I've not had it easy... after I mourned the losses of the concrete and the abstract I came to a place of acceptance and took a depressive realism inspired perspective of 'that's just how it is for me'.

I don't think you are whining, and I may be missing your point too. Learning to be happy with "your lot" and seeing "just surviving" as a success, is not easy for many people including me. I think there is a difference between being satisfied with today and having goals to move forward. The former does not preclude the latter.

I have been (as much as I can tell from your posts) in the same places you have been. I was trained to be an academic and could not get a job, even with a good resume, good references, etc, etc. There were even some positions I was "perfect" for that were given to someone else. I had dead end jobs and when I was hired, didn't last more than 18 months due to conflicts with others. I also have a serious chronic illness and live with it every day and have for 20 years now. I have a veritable trail of tears of failed relationships of all types. I point out these things so you know you are not alone in your experiences.

Getting through life is basically putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again, every day. Some days you don't get very far, sometimes you have to back-track. But, like the stock market, over time there are gains.

I don't spend much time feeling like you are now. If it slips in, I get rid of it quickly. But when it was oppressive and I would perseverate on these topics, there was really no easy way out. All the platitudes, like, think of all the people who are worse off than you, things can only get better...whatever someone might say to try to make you feel better NOW, for me had no effect or even made me feel worse. I learn only by patterns and experience. People telling me things doesn't have much of an effect on me.

When I started working in a very depressed rural area, with extremely poor people - this is experiential for me. I was working with people who had to choose between food and the light bill, who lived in places that appeared truly third world. After working there for a period of time, it became impossible for me to, for example, buy a new dress. How could I spend $50 on a dress, when other people struggle to make ends meet. Not "other people" as in "those people out there somewhere..." but actual real people I worked with, in their homes, knowing their families and it was impossible for me not to care about. If I had $50 for a dress, I would give that $50 to a family instead of buying a dress. I still work in that community, although the roles have changed over the years.

(A single visit does not do the trick for me, or for most people, I think. I helped organize a trip for my small church to visit and see how the farmworkers lived. They did donate some money, but then everyone went back to their own "bubble" lives. It did not transform them.)

I can say that was a turning point in my life and everything else has grown out of being directly involved in the lives of people much less fortunate than I. This may not be the "right" way for you, but I think the point is to stay open to other options in life. There are many doors and there could be some doors you can't see because they are shut right now, or the light isn't on in the corridor. We never know what the future holds, what new ways may open. Rather than beat yourself up for not making progress on the path you are trying to follow, maybe look for a different path, a detour, a different mode of travel or just sit still and watch and listen.