Need the advice of Autistic Adults regarding son (age 12)

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My son is diagnosed PDD - NOS. He has sensory issues and will only wear one type of shirt (a long sleeved T-shirt). He has preferred colours, but will only wear about three our four different colours of the same shirt.

Although it is repetitive as a fashion statement, it really doesn't do any harm. I worry about him getting a heat rash or being uncomfortable in the summer time (thankfully, we live in a temperate climate and it usually doesn't get too hot). He will wear just a pair of swim shorts when at the beach or pool.

Many people (including my son's teacher) would like him to attempt to wear different shirts and textures. My son gets quite anxious when discussing this. Although I am very happy with my son's teacher overall, I am concerned about them pressuring my son in this regards.

I know that he will be in high school this September and there will be pressures on him to appear typical. On the other hand, I am more concerned about other things - such as his general health (he's obese); his being considerate and respectful to others (which he does well) and his overall anxiety.

On one hand, he probably has some anxiety around his clothes and expectations that he dress differently. Maybe slowly reducing this anxiety is a good thing overall. On the other hand, I do not want to micromanage my kids life and choices. Just because typical kids don't wear the same style of shirt every day doesn't mean that what my kid is doing is wrong. We are suppose to be more accepting of others, not forcing them all to be the same.

So, what I am asking Autistic adults and teens: In what ways has it been helpful for YOU when your parents/teachers guided you in a way of doing things. In what ways what is NOT helpful for you when parents/teachers tried to guide you in ways of being.

How do you feel now? In what way would you want your parents/teachers to help you navigate the world, if you could re-live your childhood/teen years over.

I am searching, specifically, for Autistic adults and teens to share their thoughts. I value the input of parents and professionals - but I am trying to gain more insight from Autistic people, rather than advocates that are not on the spectrum.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts

My personal opinion is that the kind of shirt he wears should be his decision. Again, my opinion, forcing a clothing issue probably increases anxiety and is one of the last things anyone needs to worry about. I won't wear anything but cotton clothing and that hasn't changed in 60 years. Who cares?

I think it should be up to your son what shirts he wears and not up to his teacher.

If it's not harming anyone, why change it?

A big part of being on the spectrum for most people is sensory processing problems, meaning something as small as a light-weight fabric or even the way some seems are sewn, that wouldn't even cross the average person's mind, can be awkward and uncomfortable for someone who is Autistic.

I remember my mom actually stopped buying me shirts with tags sewn into the collar, and started getting the ones where the tags are printed onto the collar itself for me because I hated the feeling of the tags and would rip them out of my shirts, which would usually result in a hole in the seem of the collar.

This is the same with me. I wear hoodies for as long as I'm able and then switch to lightweight thin long sleeve t-shirts. All of which are within a narrow color range. I don't believe long sleeve makes a difference. I used to live in Las Vegas, Nevada and I have seen many road workers and construction workers wearing long sleeve t-shirts in the summer.

As for wearing the same thing all the time, Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, wore the same exact outfit every day for over 20 years.

It should really be up to your son what he wears, if his teacher has a problem with what he wears, that is the teacher's problem. It basically bugs the teacher, and not your son, and you shouldn't entertain the teacher's wishes, it could make your son feel bad about himself. All that matters is that your son is comfortable and happy, and if his teachers cannot get on board with how to do that, and do not support him as he is, you need to find another teacher. It might sound harsh, but it's that simple. Generally speaking, anyone that tries to push you or 'guide' you to do things that give you anxiety, especially if you are on the spectrum or have anxiety in general; is going to make everything worse and create a downhill spiral.In terms of reducing anxiety; that is always something that should be done. If you can work with him in regards to that it would help him in the long run, however, you should not be doing that so that he listens to others, and does what they want him to do. The more you push him to be like 'regular people' the more he is going to dislike himself, and feel unaccepted. He should not have to feel this way from his parents. If you feel other people wont accept him for whatever reason, I would suggest you work on things to boost his confidence and self esteem, so he can make it through problems in regards to that better. You have to think of things from your son's perspective.

I have PDD-NOS myself, so maybe I might have a bit of insight here.

I have the same issues regarding clothing. There are very specific things I'll wear: T-shirts, sweatpants. Shorts if it's hot enough, but only certain ones. ANYTHING I wear must not have buttons/snaps on it, period. I couldnt care less what the tshirt looks like or what's printed on it.

I'm also well aware that my appearance is unusual. EVERYONE around here... and I mean everyone.... wears jeans all the time. So the sweatpants stand out. In addition I'm somewhat androgynous and I also always carry a 2-foot long keychain that's usually wrapped around my arm because that makes it less likely that I'm going to drop it (and it being that long makes it less likely that I'll lose track of where it is. Seems practical to me...). I have long hair, too.

So, I stand out, is my point. I'm not wearing or doing anything super unusual, but still, that is the case. But.... I've honestly never cared. It just doesnt matter to me. I figure, if others think I look weird, well, tough. Tough for them, that is.

It's possible that your son may have this same sort of view when it comes to this. He wears what's comfortable, what *he* likes, and it may be that he simply doesnt care one bit if it's "normal". What he wears is what makes him feel calm. Wearing things that he thinks of as the "wrong" things... no matter the reason... may be a source of great discomfort and anxiety.

As for the idea of pressuring him to do otherwise... I'd strongly advise against allowing anyone to do that. I remember my mom tried that, years ago. Didnt work. All it ever did was get me really agitated. At one point she tried outright forcing me to wear jeans to school, which I would do.... until I actually got there, and went into the bathroom to change into the sweatpants I'd secretly taken there. A total waste of time for everyone involved. This sort of thing continued until she eventually gave up. It was a total waste of time that did nothing but cause agitation, anxiety, and anger.

Which isnt just with PDD-NOS, but something you might see in any form of autism. Alot of us are very set in our ways, even if our ways are bizarre... and trying to take us out of those familiar methods results in lots of problems. For me, and for many others, this never changes or gets "better". But then, for some of us... it's not a problem to begin with.


What really helped for me was, in fact, that point where she gave up on that idea. Even for "formal" events now, nobody stops me from just wearing what I usually do. It's the only way I'd even consider going to such a thing (though honestly I rarely go anyway). Even as an adult, wearing other things just bothers me, and too much of that will cause a shutdown, which isnt good for anyone.

You're right in that people should try to be more accepting of others (and it's really nice to see that you think that way... that's very good). Just because someone doesnt fit into the convenient box someone has created for them doesnt mean there's anything bad about them, definitely. Unfortunately, this is VERY hard to actually get alot of people to grasp. Expect this to be a constant source of frustration that isnt likely to ever go away, simply because the people that both of you have to deal with may not be able to wrap their minds around it. But again... he may not actually care about that.

You might do well to talk to him, not about the idea of trying new clothes, but to see whether he even cares or not. Whether he even WANTS to fit in or not. What is and isnt important to him when it comes to that. His thoughts on that might be way more important than his thoughts on trying a new type of shirt. Could lead to some new insights, you know? My own parents always meant well, but that was the one very specific thing they never tried to figure out. I never wanted to join any groups or be a part of the "normal" crowd to begin with. Couldnt have cared less what all the other kids were doing. All these years later, they do understand that, and they accept my general weirdness... but I wish they'd grasped it when I was a kid. It sure would have saved alot of trouble.

But it sounds like you're the sort that's not going to have too much trouble with that, if indeed that's how your son sees it. So that's good.

But yeah, talk to him about this sort of thing. See where that takes you.

Good luck. There's always going to be difficulties like this, but with the right sorts of communication and understanding, you can always find a way to get past it.

I'm 32 years old now
My mom used to put me turtle collar shirts with zippers on the back of the collar... I don't know why she insisted so much with that kind of things, I used to scream and cry like if I was going to die.
I remember other kind of shirts wich were texturized with lines... JESUSCHRIST!
Silk, zippers(texture and noise) the texture around bottle caps (and the sound if you scratch them), I couldn't use jeans either, for me it was torture

I must say that normally dressed, highschool was a big pain eitherway.


Now I wear jeans and can use zippers.

One of the things that I found most liberating was when I stopped trying to dress a certain way in order to fit in, and just wear the clothes that I liked and felt comfortable in. It made me feel more relaxed and confident, and I actually found that people seemed to give me a more positive reaction for it.

He has enough to worry about in high school without having to worry about his clothes. Teachers may think it will help him to fit in more if we wears something different, but it really won't. He needs to learn to accept himself and not feel that he has to be somebody else to fit in with the crowd.

I never found anyone trying to manage my clothing choices helpful. In fact, I found it an unnecessary life stressor and I find the concern with his clothing choices ridiculous and superficial and not in his best interest unless he were actually at risk for hyperthermia or hypothermia.

I was fortunate in that my mother did not dictate my clothing choices all too often...partially because I would have a meltdown if something was uncomfortable. She was usually happy if I just managed to get my clothes on in a timely manner....to this end, I could usually not be trusted to do this because I had difficulty with motivation and transition at that point in my life.

One of the few times she did force me to wear something was when my teacher convinced her to make me wear a bra. Mind you, I was in a class with all boys at a school with 1200 12, 13, and 14 year olds and not a single one of those kids had ever said anything to me or mistreated me for not wearing a bra. One of the boys in the class had severe ADHD, no class, and absolutely no filter on his mouth and would literally say anything that came to mind, and not even he had said anything about my chest. In fact come to think about it, that one teacher and my mother aside, no one bothered me about my chest until I put a bra on.

I took it off for about a year in college due to health problems. Again I was in courses that were male dominated. Again no one said anything or seemed to be bothered by it.

So no, authority figures bothering me about my clothing choices never did a bit of good in my life. What I needed help with was transitions, dental hygiene, social interaction...not just being polite but guidance on when it was ok to be the opposite of polite and ways to express myself in those situations that was age appropriate. It's socially abnormal to be polite all the time and probably not healthy. A teenaged boy who is always polite is probably hoarding away his negative emotions somewhere with no idea what to do with them. They need a healthy outlet. I needed to be provided with opportunities to socialize among kids my age and some adult guidance on how to do so, and I needed more social stimulation through extra curricular activities and could have used adult guidance in that as well...she had a tendency to just drop me off at the few activities I did do at ages when other kids were accompanied by their parents.

I see a vast array of questions and choices before me at all times, but by pre-making some of my decisions (such as my clothes following certain rules that mean they don't cause more problems that I then have to deal with such as drafts) it makes making decisions on the spot that need to be made more manageable. The more automatic some solutions to constant problems become the more thoughts can go onto other things such as my work.

When I have had to wear things I hated (pressured less by my mother in childhood than by social convention in adulthood) it has been to social events that I could not get out of with the intention that those cloths would help me to be acceptable but I can't socialise with 80% of my thought process being 'I'm cold, I'm uncomfortable, oh look how much nicer people are being when I'm pretending to be someone else, why does everyone want me to be uncomfortable, I look stupid, I'm a fraud, people like the fraud but don't like me.' basically I become angry and paranoid and in the worst possible frame of mind for social interaction.

In case anyone is curious the other 20% is, When will the food come out? what will it be? Why can't I have a cup of tea? and when can I go home?

Not too long after I understood English, I was told not to stare [at people] and I quit trying to study them at all. Around age ten, I was given a clothing allowance, and was very proper about using it as intended. Unfortunately, the combination of quick growth and lack of observation landed me in high school (9) at age 12 with pants at least two inches too short. I noticed the snickers about that, but was oblivious to any reaction to some rather bizarre fabrics I found on the racks. In a school play, I had the part of an eccentric professor, and went to a rehearsal with mismatched socks, etc. Toward the end of the session I mentioned that I was trying out a stage costume, which both surprised and relieved the leading lady.

Most of the year, I wear two shirts, and prefer a long sleeve knit in winter as a first layer. Wearing a collar happened to be critical to attracting my best girlfriend more recently, and I hadn't known it was not near-universal until she mentioned it.

The first sweater I tried made me itch, and I didn't try another one until I was an adult in Winnipeg. I don't recall any advice on fashion from adults, except one barber who had the sense to question one request. I'm comfortable with my current thrift-store collection, and would probably resist expert advice, but might be willing to try a new "costume" for effect.

I loved acting out in a full puppet costume.

I was allowed to wear anything I wanted. The only issue was I went to high school in the 60s-70s when miniskirts were the fashion statement. To dress like my peers, I had to make my mother uncomfortable with the high hemline.

I also allowed my autistic children to wear anything they wanted, except I made my son give up a winter jacket that had all its filling coming out (because old and tattered) and I asked him not to go to prom in drag, since people do talk and he had a younger sibling in the same small town/small school.

I agree with just about everyone else in this thread that your son should be able to pick his own comfortable clothing, as long as he's not breaking any dress code. Focus instead on him having clean clothes and body, and you'll do him a big favor.

I grew up without a diagnosis, so my mom had a hard time working with my traits. It was pretty obvious that some aspects of my behavior were alarmingly abnormal, though, so she had to improvise when it came to dealing with them. For what she had to work with, information-wise, she did a pretty decent job. She never micro-managed me, but she did intervene in places where my traits were too obvious or harmful. She encouraged me to learn how to fix my awkward gait and broaden my diet, for example. The way she went about encouraging my eating habits was especially beneficial. I was given an allowance to spend on any foods I wanted, barring what I already ate. That took away any anxiety I had over being forced to try new foods by giving me full control of the experience. If you do decide to push your son towards trying new clothing styles, that might be the way to do it. If my mom had tried to bribe me into eating specific foods, I probably would have resisted. It's still often the case that I need absolute control over a situation in order to even consider breaking my routine.

It kind of astounds me how well my mom worked with my traits without any knowledge of their source, even though her ignorance showed in places. The main thing was that she let me develop naturally, giving me the benefit of the doubt when I took longer to acquire a sense of fashion or emotional maturity. I was an unschooler, and with that methodology in mind, she even cultivated the traits that upset her, like my special interests. She always gave me the opportunity to grow towards normality, especially in regard to traits that worried her, but she never forced me.

I would not be concerned about the shirts. Long sleeve tees are not going to make him look like he sticks out and many boys wear the same type of clothes all the time anyway. When one of my brothers was in college, he had 5 pairs of identical jeans. Boys don't really give that sort of thing as much thought as fashion forward girls do unless the boys are really into fashion which many of them are not. So I would not be bothered about that. If you are concerned about him being overheated, that is a good and valid concern. Encourage him to drink a lot of hydrating fluids and to monitor himself and if he gets too hot, than he will need to learn how to avoid that. But long sleeve cotton tees are not any different from short sleeve ones. They just have a bit more sleeve. They still breath and allow for air flow.

If his teacher is giving him anxiety by trying to get him to wear a variety of fabrics, she needs to stop that. What someone chooses to wear is so meaningless in the bigger scheme of life. If his clothes are clean and in good condition no one is going to really care. And if he is nice and polite, people will like him for him, not for his clothes.

As far as his obesity, that is also a good concern and having his teacher encourage him to get out and play more will help rather than stressing him about his clothes. Or encourage whatever his special interests are and find ways to incorporate movement with them. If he is very anxious, that will make his body produce more cortisol which will make it very difficult for him to lose the weight. So I would say, pick your battles. If long sleeve tshirts are what he likes and they make him relax and feel comfy than by all means, he should wear them every day.

The percentage of kids who are diagnosed as autistic are now 1 in 76 and that doesn’t include PDD-NOS which is pretty much related. When autism was considered a very rare condition, I could totally see worrying about stuff like a child wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt to school all of the time. My advise is to have your child be open about his condition at school (he’s a likely target for getting teased anyway), and let him wear what he wants. As long as the texture is acceptable to your son, I’d encourage you to get high quality t-shirts that don’t shrink. I love cotton t-shirts from LL Bean. They cost more, but they last forever and they don’t shrink much in the wash.

The fact that your son is obese is a bigger concern. That is an area I’d recommend you focus on. You need to encourage activity that doesn’t involve sitting in front of a TV, computer, or iPad and also improve his diet.