TheMikeFrom1980 wrote:
I don't know how high quality your friends are but it's only relatively recently that it dawned on me that people like me because I make them laugh - but actually it's because they think I'm a freak and a soft touch who always pays his way and is easy to take advantage of, not because I'm a comedian.
This is very relatable... This past year, I realized that my social value is that I am amusing-- it is usually how I keep friends because I will accidentally be amusing and the consequence of me being laughable or adorable is that I get to keep friends... until my issues override this humorous function and then I lose friends. I am not even good at telling jokes or what I think is hilarious, others do not think of as hilarious, but people often find me humorous because of the things I do or say. This happens in class as well where I will say something-- like bringing up my special interest-- and everyone in the class will start laughing. This has been consistent throughout my life, of people laughing at me... It has not really bothered me really. Recently, it has made me feel infantalized or like I am incapable of being taken seriously, but, overall, I do not really mind it as much as my strangeness, my bluntness, my social obliviousness and a frequent lack of a filter and my persisting confusion, mixed with my hyperactivity makes me very entertaining to be around and when people laugh, they get all the good neurotoxins, so they become happy and I am somehow making this happen-- this is very good! I want to make people happy and not sad... It is only bad when people get annoyed or I become a burden and then they leave... Such a precarious position...
_________________
"All by myself I am a huge camellia
glowing and coming and going, flush on flush."
-Sylvia Plath, Fever 103