Is saying "Be yourself!" a bad advice?

Post Reply New Topic

If you have to work for a living, being yourself too much can get you in trouble with the boss/co-workers/customers. Sad, but true.

I think "be yourself" is really advice for NTs, by NTs. It means, "We all know how easy it is to engage in group-think, sometimes it's good to be an individual." Aspies are naturally quite good at being ourselves. I don't think the advice was meant for us. If NTs really understood how we think, they'd probably tell us to conform more. "Be like everyone else."

... unless you're being sociable with people who understand and accept the fact that you have atypical body language, or who are accustomed to dealing with people with a wide variety of body language.

In my opinion, if you're autistic, it's best to live in a highly multicultural neighborhood with immigrants from all over the world. In such a neighborhood, people are accustomed to a wide variety of body language and are accustomed to needing to put work into understanding each other. And, as far as I can tell, there tends to be less bullying in such a neighborhood than in a culturally homogeneous neighborhood.

My boyfriend has not only autism but also a speech impairment, for which he was hassled all his life until he moved into my neighborhood, where his speech impairment is just another accent.

It's also a good idea to find and join a local autistic/Aspie adult support group if possible. Hopefully they'll be able to meet in-person again soon, once the pandemic is over with.


If you're with other autistic people, or with other people who accept you as an autistic person, then it's no longer "embarrassing," but some negotiation may still be needed. For example, my boyfriend and I both find each other's physical stims to be distracting and annoying. We deal with this by working in separate rooms.


"Fit in" with whom?

IMO it's much better, if possible, to try to find places where you can "fit in" more naturally -- or where people are so varied that there is nothing that people are obliged to "fit in" to in the first place, beyond basic courtesy.

My lifelong strategy has been to seek out fellow oddballs of one kind or another. Usually these were people with whom I had some unusual interest in common. I was thereby able to make some good friends when I was in my twenties and thirties.


If this actually does work well for you, then there's no reason for you to change your life strategy. However, if you ever decide that it's taking too big a toll on your mental health, then you should be aware that there do exist workable alternative life strategies, although it may take a lot of effort to put yourself in a situation where these alternatives become feasible.

thank you all

Wow, that's a tough question (but a good one)!

I've struggled to balance "be myself" with "fitting in with the crowd" all my life. Like many autistic women, I did a lot of masking and pretending to be normal, with lots of social scripts and practicing facial expressions in the mirror. How exhausting!! Yeah, I did socialize better, but found myself not really interested in the sort of people I was socializing with. What good is fitting in if you don't like the people your with, and don't like the person you've become?

I try to balance it more now: let some genuine personality show without sharing every quirky thought in my head. It's a tough balance that comes with experience. Don't lie about what you like and don't like, but don't share things that you really think are going to offend people. The right people will like you. The rest are not worth worrying about. I wound up with a small group of friends that I really care about.

This has been my strategy for most of my adult life.