20 Jul 2023, 9:15 pm
I just got another text from my therapist today saying that Saturday will be a virtual day at 1:45pm because she has a hair appointment from 9-1. (Yes, you read that right. It's a 4 hour appointment). When I asked her how often she does this she replied that it's once a month she's virtual on Saturdays. I was fed up so I called the office and talked to a manager about her constant canceling and changing me to zoom calls. The resolution for now was the office manager sent her an Emil CCing the director, politely explaining my issue with consistency. My therapist texted me this evening and said "I'm sorry you feel this way, shocked actually." I know it's going to be a thing we need to discuss on Saturday's appointment. I don't know why she's saying she's shocked about my feelings about this, since I've explained to her many times that I used to do a lot of zoom calls during the beginning of COVID and after awhile they became very emotionally draining and it's part of the reason I became suicidal. It wasn't one or two zoom calls. It was all of them over a year and a half. Interacting with children in the computer who need help from you can be exhausting, especially if you're not able to provide the help they need. For example, if a kid has an itchy back and you're watching them try to scratch it while they're crying to you that they can't reach it and it's getting worse. You suggest that they go ask someone to scratch it for them or that they find a post to scratch it on. Then they ask you to scratch it, forgetting that you're not really there with them. Sometimes they get a headache and they're asking you to make it better because it hurts so much. What can you do besides suggesting they tell one of the older people at home about it who barely pay attention to them?
Anyway, I don't know what to say to my therapist about it on Saturday. I needed to call the office because she wasn't listening to me about this. I don't think it's ethical to call out and switch to zoom appointments as often as she does at the last minute or at all for that matter. I'm thinking about switching therapists. I just don't know what else to do to get through to her. I understand she wants her hair to look nice, but as someone who works with children and knowing that she has children scheduled all day after me, it bothers me that she puts her looks before their needs, even though they are emotionally fragile. I as an adult feel hurt when I get canceled on. Picture an 8 year old boy or an 11 year old girl who's getting over their parents getting a divorce or something similar. They must feel awful every week when she does this because therapists like her play games such as Uno and checkers with children to encourage them to talk about their feelings. Also, I wonder how the parents feel about explaining it to them? I picture it going something like this: "John, I'm really sorry, but the therapist canceled for today. She said she's had another emergency. I know you're sad because this is the 3rd week in a row, but don't worry, I'll make it up to you some how. Let's go buy a new toy." Then the parent buys the child a toy/ice cream/treat etc to make them feel better emotionally. All in all, it's not a good situation for anyone and she needs to be spoken to. 
auntblabby
Veteran
Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,946
Location: the island of defective toy santas
20 Jul 2023, 11:44 pm
21 Jul 2023, 6:41 am
It was pretty time consuming and it was also a little embarrassing and scary for me to call offices left and right to beg for help. I started looking in February and I didn't get her until the beginning of April. That's the main reason why I'm hesitant to drop her. The other major reason is that I don't want to have to explain my previous suicidality to someone else, wondering what their reaction is going to be.
21 Jul 2023, 7:47 am
Thanks for sharing. I hear your frustration and I think it's very understandable.
Is she aware that you're autistic? Because if so, she should understand that changes to schedule and routine could be very difficult and stressful for you, especially when they're unpredictable and as common as it seems they are. I think it's a shame that she said she was "shocked" because it kind of puts the blame back on you and that doesn't seem fair at all.
I don't really understand why she's even telling you that she's getting her hair done, because it's none of your business. Your relationship is professional, whatever she does in her spare time is entirely up to her and nothing to do with her clients. Its important that people look after themselves in any way they feel fit, if they feel able to, and getting her hair done like this may be an important thing to her personally, to allow her to just feel like herself. This could be especially important for a therapist, who not only has to deal with their own needs as a human but also the emotional weight of the support they're professionally providing to however many clients/patients they have. She has a professional responsibility to you, but she also has a personal responsibility to herself and her own life, and to balance those responsibilities in a professional and healthy way - she couldn't be a good therapist to anyone if she actively neglected her own life and needs. But whatever she does once a month on Saturdays, whether it was just hair or something super serious like medical treatment or something, shouldn't even be mentioned. She should simply tell you that she's virtual one Saturday per month, end of story.
If that doesn't work for you, it would be great if she could offer some other options, like permanently rescheduling your appointments to a later time or a different day. Do you see her every week? I guess another alternative could be for her to agree for you to skip therapy on the Zoom day, if one less therapy session per month would be more manageable than the stress of Zoom calls. I know that's far from ideal and definitely not desirable, but it sounds like Zoom calls are just too stressful for you and I think it's absolutely fair for you to want to either minimise or cut them out entirely - you're entitled to draw your own boundaries and it may be an important boundary for you to draw, for the sake of your own health. Or maybe you'd feel better if you just had a clearer idea of exactly when each Zoom day would be so that you could anticipate them without surprises? Because that would also be totally fair for you to ask of her.
If none of that works and you're unable to find a solution that suits you both, then that is a shame but she shouldn't be expected to completely rearrange her own personal life to accommodate the needs of her clients. She offers a service and if that service doesn't fit your needs to the extent that it causes you more stress than benefit, then maybe her's isn't the appropriate service for you, and it may ultimately be necessary for you make the tough but responsible decision to leave this therapist, despite how difficult it may be to find another one - though I absolutely understand your reluctance to do so.
Sorry, I didn't intend for that to get so long! 
I really hope you're able to find a solution that works for you, whatever happens. Good luck!
21 Jul 2023, 2:08 pm
Is she aware that you're autistic? Because if so, she should understand that changes to schedule and routine could be very difficult and stressful for you, especially when they're unpredictable and as common as it seems they are. I think it's a shame that she said she was "shocked" because it kind of puts the blame back on you and that doesn't seem fair at all.
I don't really understand why she's even telling you that she's getting her hair done, because it's none of your business. Your relationship is professional, whatever she does in her spare time is entirely up to her and nothing to do with her clients. Its important that people look after themselves in any way they feel fit, if they feel able to, and getting her hair done like this may be an important thing to her personally, to allow her to just feel like herself. This could be especially important for a therapist, who not only has to deal with their own needs as a human but also the emotional weight of the support they're professionally providing to however many clients/patients they have. She has a professional responsibility to you, but she also has a personal responsibility to herself and her own life, and to balance those responsibilities in a professional and healthy way - she couldn't be a good therapist to anyone if she actively neglected her own life and needs. But whatever she does once a month on Saturdays, whether it was just hair or something super serious like medical treatment or something, shouldn't even be mentioned. She should simply tell you that she's virtual one Saturday per month, end of story.
If that doesn't work for you, it would be great if she could offer some other options, like permanently rescheduling your appointments to a later time or a different day. Do you see her every week? I guess another alternative could be for her to agree for you to skip therapy on the Zoom day, if one less therapy session per month would be more manageable than the stress of Zoom calls. I know that's far from ideal and definitely not desirable, but it sounds like Zoom calls are just too stressful for you and I think it's absolutely fair for you to want to either minimise or cut them out entirely - you're entitled to draw your own boundaries and it may be an important boundary for you to draw, for the sake of your own health. Or maybe you'd feel better if you just had a clearer idea of exactly when each Zoom day would be so that you could anticipate them without surprises? Because that would also be totally fair for you to ask of her.
If none of that works and you're unable to find a solution that suits you both, then that is a shame but she shouldn't be expected to completely rearrange her own personal life to accommodate the needs of her clients. She offers a service and if that service doesn't fit your needs to the extent that it causes you more stress than benefit, then maybe her's isn't the appropriate service for you, and it may ultimately be necessary for you make the tough but responsible decision to leave this therapist, despite how difficult it may be to find another one - though I absolutely understand your reluctance to do so.
Sorry, I didn't intend for that to get so long!
I really hope you're able to find a solution that works for you, whatever happens. Good luck!She does know that I'm autistic. Also, I find it helpful when she tells me the reason for canceling because then I don't have to worry about her so much. I'm not against the fact that she wants to get her hair done or her need to take time to do something nice for herself. I'm against the fact that when I was originally placed with her by the office, I was told she works Saturday's in person, yet she's canceled at least 7 times on me since April. No one told me that she had a virtual day once a month, even her until yesterday when I asked. When I called the office manager, she said that the providers set the hours they can work, BUT they're supposed to stick with them unless there's an emergency or they get sick etc. She told me her virtual day is always Monday for those who are unable to leave their homes and Tuesday through Saturday in the office. Now, 6 days a week may seem like a lot, but I didn't tell her to make a special exception for me to come into the office on Saturdays. I was told she works Saturdays regularly in person by the office. Also, she takes the entire day out so a later appointment would not be feasible. I can do a zoom call if I have to, but I've told her at least 3 or 4 times nicely that I don't prefer them due to the stress they were causing me long term. We did them while I was away in Hawaii because zoom is better than no therapy, but she still wasn't even in the office for the other clients that day. I just think it's so unprofessional of her.
By the way, she's great at laying her personal problems on me. I asked her to write a letter about my diagnoses which she said she would. 2 months later we finally got to meet in person (last week) and she still didn't have it done, blaming her mother's health claiming that I should understand since my mother is sick too. Sometimes after I leave a session virtually, I cry because I feel so bad for my therapist's life and I feel like I didn't deserve that session when she's in so much pain whether it be physical or emotional. It's not good. Yes my mother is sick, but I'm always on time for work every day and she helped raised me to be like that along with my dad. She would be ashamed of me if I called out of work all the time and blamed her for it.
21 Jul 2023, 3:03 pm
By the way, she's great at laying her personal problems on me. I asked her to write a letter about my diagnoses which she said she would. 2 months later we finally got to meet in person (last week) and she still didn't have it done, blaming her mother's health claiming that I should understand since my mother is sick too. Sometimes after I leave a session virtually, I cry because I feel so bad for my therapist's life and I feel like I didn't deserve that session when she's in so much pain whether it be physical or emotional. It's not good. Yes my mother is sick, but I'm always on time for work every day and she helped raised me to be like that along with my dad. She would be ashamed of me if I called out of work all the time and blamed her for it.
Yikes. It sounds like a completely unhealthy and inappropriate set up - literally the opposite of what therapy is supposed to be. She clearly has no concept of appropriate boundaries - something essential for any therapist or health care provider of any type. This person should probably be in therapy themselves, not pretending to provide it to others. Unfortunately at this point it seems quite unrealistic to expect it to get better - there perhaps comes a point where it no longer makes sense to remain in a situation and continue to blame the other person. In other words, if you aren't ready to put yourself and your own needs first, others won't be any more likely to do it for you. But I know how hard that can be...I wish you every strength and luck.
ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,670
Location: Long Island, New York
21 Jul 2023, 10:04 pm
By the way, she's great at laying her personal problems on me. I asked her to write a letter about my diagnoses which she said she would. 2 months later we finally got to meet in person (last week) and she still didn't have it done, blaming her mother's health claiming that I should understand since my mother is sick too. Sometimes after I leave a session virtually, I cry because I feel so bad for my therapist's life and I feel like I didn't deserve that session when she's in so much pain whether it be physical or emotional. It's not good. Yes my mother is sick, but I'm always on time for work every day and she helped raised me to be like that along with my dad. She would be ashamed of me if I called out of work all the time and blamed her for it.
Yikes. It sounds like a completely unhealthy and inappropriate set up - literally the opposite of what therapy is supposed to be. She clearly has no concept of appropriate boundaries - something essential for any therapist or health care provider of any type. This person should probably be in therapy themselves, not pretending to provide it to others. Unfortunately at this point it seems quite unrealistic to expect it to get better - there perhaps comes a point where it no longer makes sense to remain in a situation and continue to blame the other person. In other words, if you aren't ready to put yourself and your own needs first, others won't be any more likely to do it for you. But I know how hard that can be...I wish you every strength and luck.
I agree completely with what delvian said.
21 Jul 2023, 10:19 pm
22 Jul 2023, 7:16 am
23 Jul 2023, 8:32 pm
24 Jul 2023, 5:54 pm
24 Jul 2023, 9:59 pm
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Therapist Decreasing Sessions |
30 Mar 2024, 9:09 pm |
| My therapist thinks I can just learn social cues... |
26 May 2024, 9:45 pm |
