My Flashbacks are getting worse

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I'd say in the last year-year and a half, I've been having some intense flashbacks daily. Over stupid BS I did and said when I was young up until my late 20s. I'm 44 now. I am on Lamictal, a mood stabilizer to control meltdowns and my bad temper when things go wrong, I'm on Lorazepam (generic Ativan), for anxiety.

So, this is happening multiple times a day. Since my 30s I have been doing my best to work on my anger problems and overcoming the past. While I am not officially diagnosed with ASD, all the signs are there and everything I've read about autism fits me to a T.

This flashback thing went on once in a while starting in my late 20s, Now it happens a lot. My memory is very good and when a flashback happens it can be intense. Times where I was laughed at, yelled at, made fun of, mocked, and other stuff. Some of it I did bring upon myself but not all of it. Still, I cringe at all of it.

I think " oh why did I do that?" " What if someone finds out and uses it against me?" . Some people have been gone out of my life for a while so I am not too worried about them, but it's the people who I know dislike me and would bring up BS from years ago just to spite me(mostly at work).

Yes this stuff happened, not proud of a lot of it but I cannot change the past. However, I need to somehow overcome some of this but have no idea how. I probably need to seek out a therapist but don't want to go into deep medical debt to do so.

Sorry for the " I" statements but wasn't sure how else to explain all of this. Ok I'll end it here.

I can relate to a lot of that because it’s something that I’ve struggled with at different points in my life although it’s better lately because my anxiety is better. For me, some of it is related to nonsense from my religious upbringing and also from anxiety due to trauma/abuse/being told that I was bad in some way, useless, or worthless. Autistics might be more likely to ruminate too.

How well is your anxiety managed with what you’re currently on? I know Ativan is good to take as needed, but lower levels of anxiety can cause issues too.

Therapy does sound like it might be beneficial for you. I’m wondering if there are any lower cost options you could try. Some people go once every two weeks or so instead of every week if cost is an issue. Some therapists have pay scales for those without insurance as well. It might be something to look into if you haven’t already.

Apart from meds or therapy, here’s what helps me:
If I’m obsessing about a relatively minor embarrassing memory that I can’t work through and let go of for whatever reason, I often try to distract myself with something else, when possible, like listening to music on my headphones while going for a walk. Sometimes I realize that my anxiety was spiking for unrelated reasons which can be useful to know. If it’s more of a traumatic memory, I typically try to work through it in some way because then it bothers me less in the future. If I’m blaming myself for something that wasn’t really my fault, working on it can be extremely beneficial. Journaling, therapy, and talking to people on WP are some things that have helped me.

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. It doesn’t mean that we should be mistreated because of it.

I take Ativan as needed and it does help and also on Lamictal which helps with meltdowns and headaches. Still get both though.

It seems these flashbacks happen mostly when I am alone or at work, which I am alone a lot so that explains some of it. Weird thing is, I never used to get flashbacks like this until a few years ago until I started really taking a hard look at my past and realizing all the social screw ups I've done. It sucks.

When I am at home, having music or the radio on does help at times.

I need to somehow overcome some of this but have no idea how.

Anger is something that if fed can fester into bitterness. It can be helpful to consider those who have wronged you in terms not so much of their meanness but more in terms of their limitations. If they can be seen as sad characters whose narrow life of mischief making will ultimately lead to isolation, one might be able to let go of some resentment.

I try to counterbalance with a good event that freaked me out.
The kind you can say "I actually did that!" to.
Anything from a speaker stack stage dive to merely asking someone for their phone number.

It does sound like you could benefit from seeing a therapist, but this is easier said than done. In addition to the cost, there is the issue of finding someone who is good and is right for you, which I have found to be a challenge. But therapist can help you work through these feelings and might have some coping strategies that you could try. When it was suggested to me I thought it sounded lame, but breathing exercises can actually be helpful. There is one where you inhale through your nose on a count of four, hold for a count of seven, and exhale through your mouth for a count of eight. Meditating can also be helpful. You can find sources online that describe how to meditate, but basically you sit comfortably with your eyes closed and try to clear your mind by focusing on your breath. When thoughts come into your head, you let them go by going back to focusing on your breath. You can do this for 10 minutes and if you don't want to worry about thinking about the time you can set a timer. It takes some practice to get better at it. Best of luck to you.

Having said all this, I am not good at any of it, and I even have a therapist. I don't have flashbacks like you do, but I have anxiety and worries and troubling thoughts. I'm pretty much scared most of the time.

I've struggled with such flashbacks my whole life. I have a photographic memory and I wasn't raised in the best way. Sometimes, I'll be busy doing something and a flashback will pop into my head.

Thanks for the constructive feedback. I probably do need to seek therapy, but cost is a big factor.

Yeah, anger issues plague me as well and I hate it.